I feel like my life has fallen apart

[Bengal233]

Hello everyone, this is going to be a long post so I do appreciate it if you read it.

Myself and partner have been together 15 years, with two wonderful children 2 and 8.

Id say the last 6 months we have been going through a rocky patch of bickering, being snappy with each other etc. He has been working away a lot over these 6 months.

Anyway he went out for his works Christmas Do on the 21st and acted really weird the two days after, I don’t know how to describe it but I had a gut feeling this was more than just a hangover, I called his bluff and said one of my friends had seen him all over another woman was it true, he said it was.
It blew up, I said I was willing to move past it and work through as I love him and want to give my boys the loving family they deserve. He then turns round and said he doesn’t love me anymore and he isn’t sure the feelings will come back for me. I said we have to atleast try, as you will never know unless you try, he isn’t sure and is very reluctant about doing this.

He then goes on to say that he cheated so I would end it and I’ve made him feel shit, spoke to him like rubbish and not shown him enough affection over this past year. But not once has he tried to talk about anything to me, I’ve been going back on messages when he was working away to us both sending loving messsgrs to each other, can’t wait for him to be home, etc I used to cry most times he worked away and ask him to leave his tshirt for me to sleep with ( sad I know)

He has now moved to his dads for a few days a week for space and to figure out what he wants to do I suppose.

We have a mortgage together, but he is the main earner I only work part time. The only reason for this was because we had the two children and the cost of childcare when I went back to work would have been huge and he works all over the country.

I’ve said I’ll look for a new job to help him more with money, I’ve said I’ll completely change the way I speak to him and really try to show more affection. It was never intentional if I spoke to him like rubbish.

He completely ruined Christmas, he basically ignored me for 2 weeks then on Tuesday it blew up again and he decided to go back to his dads and come back at the weekend.

Ive told him how much I love him, how much I want to give this another try and for him to please just give it a try and if he still feels he doesn’t love me after we’ve both given it a good try then that’s fair enough but atleast we know we tried.

Also to add he’s worked away a lot of the time with younger lads in their 20s and he has just turned 40.

I feel lost and broken and it’s all come completely out the blue for me, I didn’t see it coming at all.
I don’t really know the point to this post except maybe asking for advice on what I should do. I feel like everyone else is having this wonderful life and my lovely little family, home, future has been ripped out from under me. I know I probably sound completely pathetic.

thank you so much to who ever reads this long rambling post.

He's a cheating scumbag. He's said he doesn't love you anymore.

You have to believe him. You can't fix this on your own.

You need to find some suppprt and strength to accept that you are splitting up, and focus on how that can be best managed for all of you.

@Huskytrot im just clinging to the fact he said “ I don’t know if the feelings will come back”
I sound absolutely pathetic I know, he’s all I’ve know since I was 19 and I’m 34 now. I just thought he was my forever.
I feel completely lost and hopeless. I wish I hated him as I feel that would be easier

He's told you the truth finally. He may well have been cheating for years if he works away and with younger men. He's not worth your tears.

Get your ducks in a row as they say. You are worth more than this. There's no way to force someone to love you I'm afraid.

That was a hard read.

He's doing something called changing history. All people having affairs do it because they don't want to feel bad about what they're doing. They project everything bad onto you.

What he's saying isn't true. He didn't have an affair because of how you spoke to him, he had an affair because he could. It doesn't really have anything to do with you.

You're in shock and denial and you're bargaining with him. He is still having an affair and he's all abuz with his new love so he's not listening to you. What he's doing is damage control.

What you need to do is stop giving him all the power and see a good family law solicitor. When you finally come to your senses and what he's done to you sinks in, you'll be angry and won't recognise yourself.

You might find the website Surviving Infidelity supportive.

To add to the advice already given, read the chump lady book- lose a cheater and the book cheating in a nutshell. If you can understand how he's thinking you can get better at dealing with him and protecting yourself. He doesn't think the same way as you do. Sorry this is happening to you. You'll feel better than this in time.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I went through this with my ExH. He also tried to 'blame' me for his affair, said that I'd treated him like crap for years (I hadn't). I think they say things like this to try to justify their despicable behaviour.

Please stop with the bargaining, or promising to change, it plays into his false narrative and it will just make you feel worse (I did the same thing). You don't need to change - he does.

He doesn't deserve you, and clearly his behaviour has shown that he no longer loves you.

I appreciate the shock you're feeling, but try to get your ducks in a row and go and see a solicitor or even Citizen's Advice.

I was devastated when my ExH left for the OW. Now I'm pleased that she took a lying, cheating scumbag off my hands and I was able to then meet someone deserving of my love.

In no way do you sound pathetic. For me it almost felt like a bereavement.

OP this is a huge shock and life changing blow so everything you feel is understandable however you really need to give yourself some space to think about what is actually happening and what is the best course of action.

He cheated and betrayed your trust. The relationship is over. It would have to take a lot of work on his part to build up what you had and without him even asking for another chance there is no way forward. Stop begging him. It will only make you feel worse and you will grow to regret it once you start thinking clearly again.

What you need to focus on is practical and financial side. Start looking for full time job. See how much benefits and help with childcare you will get. Look into child support. Keep contact with him to minimum and only discuss practical issues regarding kids and assets etc.

You're in shock and you need a bit of time to even be able to process everything and keeping contact with him and allowing him to mess you around will not help.

Do you have any support in real life?

You seem extremely attached to him in unhealthy way as if you didn't get a chance to ever find yourself as a young independent adult and build other meaningful relationships (for example with friends).

It feels like the world is ending but it isn't. It only feels that way. What you say about other people being happy is an impression that we often have when facing struggles. In reality many people have gone through similar and came out the other side, often creating a better life for themselves.

For everyone’s sake, you need to accept it and let him go. Pressuring someone to stay in a relationship they don’t will only delay the inevitable and cause huge resentment.

You're 34 so you are VERY young. Do not beg for him to stay, accept he doesn't want you. You shouldn't want him, the cheating scumbag. Get your self esteem out of the gutter and get some power back. He's left. Good. Relationship is done. Onl. y talk to him about practical stuff, divorce an childcare. With 2 year old you could carry on working part time and claim universal credit, then slowly transition into full time. He has done you a massive favour by setting you free and giving you the chance for fresh start at very young age of 34

Just be aware it's likely that he has been mentally and emotionally disengaging from you for a long time so he is further ahead of you.

You are of course hoping to keep the family together however it's best to accept his decision and act as if you are separated. Whilst you are pleading with him he will feel he has options, with OW and you. Removing yourself could force him to face up to reality of life post marriage BUT please don't count on it.

It's unfortunately really common for men to go through "grass is greener" stage, especially if OW is younger and child free. He gets to act like a younger man and has the benefit of children when it suits him. It's really horrid for you as you will be left managing the children whilst he appears to skip off without guilt.

Do you have family support? Lean on them and you will get through this.

This is far too common. Men often get bored, progress their careers, and look elsewhere for what they 'desire'. Start the divorce proceedings, take what you can get from him, and have him support you financially. He's unbothered about you.

This will sound harsh but he's giving you a clear message here...

He doesn't value you're marriage or family.
He doesn't want to save it.
He is a liar and did not come out with the truth, you figured it out. He lied easily to you.

Make a fresh start and move on, you deserve more than this! The typical response of an entitled man is you didn't try, but i wonder what he did in the relationship?

Sorry Op 😞
How are you feeling? Hopefully stronger after posting on here. First time I've contributed to a thread, as most already say what I'd say anyway. Today is different.
"What should/would we/you do"?
Best to see a family lawyer, it's gonna be difficult. You can do this for your DC and yourself. You all deserve to be happy. Its going to take time & strength from within that will spur you on. Be brave enough to start thinking "Enough is enough ". 💙

Excuse grammar etc.

Aww op he has already ' checked out ' and did do a while back, please please find your anger and start to plan , he is already ahead of you, of course your in shock but he planned this he knows how you will react, take back control, don't give anything away just yet whilst you make some plans, don't matter what you promise now! Please take back your control, hope you have family and friends who can support you ,

It sounds like it's over. He doesn't want to try and he probably detached emotionally some time ago. Why did he have to tell you not to speak to him like rubbish? You just should not have been doing that in the first place. To anyone.

He is probably right that the relationship is toxic and you will both be happier once you move on. Just staying with someone because that's all you've known is not healthy.

Im sorry OP. He’s a coward to not speak to you about how he was feeling before blowing up your family.

You haven’t done anything wrong, as others have said he’s rewriting history to justify cheating. The blame is all on him and there is nothing you need to change about you, nothing.

As much as you want to make the marriage work, you can’t make him stay. He needs to want to come back to you.

I’d be tempted to ask him to move to his Dad’s rather then coming back and forth between the two houses. Neither of you will be able to figure out your feelings while you’re in limbo.

Crikey, I can feel your pain 😢
I've been there and it's heart wrenchingly painful, you think you'll never get over it but you will.
You need time to grieve but as difficult as it is, you need to protect yourself and your dc.
Please stop doing the "pick me" dance, he's already picked the OW &/or a life without you, try to maintain your dignity.
Trust me, when you get over it and you will get over it, you'll be cringing that you begged him to stay.
Don't let him come back, he stays at his dads, he can't be half in and half out, don't contact him, don't ask him to come home.
You need time away from him.
He's made his bed, let him lie in it.
As all the mn nest of vipers always say, get your ducks in a row.
Look at your finances.
Get some legal advice re the family home.
You work part time, can you apply for universal credit?
Can you up your hours at work.
If he goes for good, apply for cms.
From what you say in your post, it does sound like he's checked out.
Please take care of yourself ❤️

Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate you all taking the time to message back. I think I am in a complete state of shock and denial and I do know I need to snap out of it and protect myself and my children. I just feel broken.

In regards to talking to him like rubbish, the only thing I can actually think of is when we’ve been bickering and he’s worked away a lot. But I think everyone bickers in relationships.

I think that is exactly right about him emotionally checking out months ago so he’s had time to process a lot more than me as it’s only been two weeks. I just wish he’d make the clear decision as he still said we are in a relationship just not a very good one and he can’t say for certain if the feelings will come back or not. I feel like once he’s been clear I can grief if that makes sense.

Thank you again for all the support and advice. I’m very lucky that I have a really good support network around me, I have my wonderful mum, sister, grandparents and stepdad ( my dad passed away when I was 13) I have some very good friends and some great work colleagues.

I feel as though sometimes advice from strangers helps too as they can be more honest somehow as they don’t know you and don’t care about hurting feelings etc haha 🤣

thank you all again, I’ve got a lot of thinking to do and get myself in a more clued up position

Please, please stop telling him how much you love him and how much you want to make this work. You will really kick yourself later on if you don't.

He's a cheating twat and I expect his Christmas do wasn't the first time either.

You've said 'partner' so I'm guessing that you're not married? Go back to work full time and start looking out for yourself because he never will. Let him go.

Do you have any friends in real life that you can talk about this with and have a good cry in safety with?

Oh... you DO have a good support network around you, I've just seen your post. That's good. Please lean on them and let them help you through this.

Firstly - I'm really sorry OP. That's totally shit & you must feel awful & like you've been kicked in the guts.

BUT it's now time to stop begging & weeping (in front of him at least) and find your anger. He's broken your special bond & relationship & can't even muster an 'Im sorry'.

I mean - What a prick.
There were other options if he wasnt happy than cheating, such as talking to you like an adult, or leaving if he felt it was that bad...
Also if you hadn't said someone saw him, he wouldn't have said a word. So I call absolute bullshit on ' that was the reason I cheated' he's just a self-serving liar as well.

He's pushed the fuck it button because he got caught & deep.dwn is probably pretty ashamed but to egotistical to admit it.

You are so young, and absolutely in your prime. There is a happy, happy life waiting for you. You absolutely do not need this man, or any man. Strength to you & your babies.

By saying you're still in a relationship and that he doesn't know if feelings will come back he's just keeping his options open with you OP. You're just the back up plan in case things don't work out how he hopes.

He's a cheating scumbag and you deserve 100 times better than that OP, why sit around waiting to see if he'll throw you any crumbs?

OP I know this sounds harsh but it can be very satisfying to make the decision for him having worked out your options re work, benefits, money etc in advance to being blunt with him

Do all that and just be to the point that no you aren't playing second fiddle, you won't trust him again and what are his plans ref child care etc

There is nothing more satisfying than being as unemotional as they are and ending his back up plan option-then go out, do something nice for yourself and leave him with consequences of his actions- you really need to find your inner bitch

@Crikeyalmighty I think is right. And I wish that I had done this and not begged, bargained and let him further destroy my self worth.

I wish I had found my inner bitch when he had his first affair and not set up a situation where he thought so little of me that he could bide his time before leaving for the second OW.

How are your two DCs?

I’m so sorry OP, it must feel like you’ve woken up on another planet.
You are in shock and terribly hurt and traumatised, it’s like somebody died but they’re still here, you can’t find the man you thought he was or the life you had yet everything on the surface looks exactly the same. Take time to care for yourself and your children now. You come first, prioritise yourself because he is not going to.
Secondly don’t beat yourself up for begging and wanting him back, this is a normal response in this situation, you are in denial about what is happening because the truth is too hard to bear and you are bargaining with him to try to make it all stop and just go back to normal. It is part of the five stages of grief and absolutely normal and not pathetic.
What you need to know is that the affair is absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing.
It is not because of anything you did or said or did not do or say. He chose the affair himself, nobody forced him or drove him to it, he could have made more honourable choices and faced his issues rather than avoiding them and escaping into the affair. He chose not to. Then, in order to excuse his shame and guilt for betraying and abandoning you and his children, he twisted the blame and responsibility for his behaviour onto you. He wants it to be your fault, not his. It will never be your fault OP because you did nothing to make him choose this. His choice, his responsibility, he is to blame, he is fully accountable. Having an affair was not inevitable or the only choice he could have made. This is all on him.
So, now you need to shift the blame where it belongs: on him.
Once you have, you can ask yourself a question. It is not “What do I have to do to deserve his love?”
It is “What do I have to do to get the life I deserve?”
You have this the wrong way round at present. You are listening to his narrative about why you don’t deserve him. The truth is that he most certainly does not deserve you. You deserve much, much better.
Firstly you need to accept the status quo and listen to what he is saying. It hurts like hell but he is being pretty clear at the moment as to what he thinks he wants so let him have the metaphorical rope to hang himself with and set boundaries.
He stays away, can no longer come and go as he pleases. He sees his children when it’s convenient for you. It’s on your terms now, he chose this. You didnt.
You see a solicitor and tell him you have, and say that you will only discuss practical matters and the children with him, nothing else. Whilst he is in the affair you have nothing to say to him about any other subject.
All of this is devastating and hard, I know, but at present he has two women fighting over him and fanning his pathetic ego, he can see he doesn’t have to be in a hurry to make his mind up and can do as he pleases, he has no consequences from you.
You are not pathetic, love doesn’t switch off like a tap. You do, however need to have your own best interests at heart because he doesn’t. Take back control, tell him what you are doing re the solicitor because of his behaviour and please stop trying to make him come back, at present nothing will. An about turn by you won’t be expected and might jolt some sense into him, however by the time he realises this I am sure you will realise you don’t want him back, he doesn’t deserve you at all.
Be your own cheerleader and in your own corner now, OP, and please be kind to yourself.