I feel like my life has fallen apart

[Bengal233]

Hello everyone, this is going to be a long post so I do appreciate it if you read it.

Myself and partner have been together 15 years, with two wonderful children 2 and 8.

Id say the last 6 months we have been going through a rocky patch of bickering, being snappy with each other etc. He has been working away a lot over these 6 months.

Anyway he went out for his works Christmas Do on the 21st and acted really weird the two days after, I don’t know how to describe it but I had a gut feeling this was more than just a hangover, I called his bluff and said one of my friends had seen him all over another woman was it true, he said it was.
It blew up, I said I was willing to move past it and work through as I love him and want to give my boys the loving family they deserve. He then turns round and said he doesn’t love me anymore and he isn’t sure the feelings will come back for me. I said we have to atleast try, as you will never know unless you try, he isn’t sure and is very reluctant about doing this.

He then goes on to say that he cheated so I would end it and I’ve made him feel shit, spoke to him like rubbish and not shown him enough affection over this past year. But not once has he tried to talk about anything to me, I’ve been going back on messages when he was working away to us both sending loving messsgrs to each other, can’t wait for him to be home, etc I used to cry most times he worked away and ask him to leave his tshirt for me to sleep with ( sad I know)

He has now moved to his dads for a few days a week for space and to figure out what he wants to do I suppose.

We have a mortgage together, but he is the main earner I only work part time. The only reason for this was because we had the two children and the cost of childcare when I went back to work would have been huge and he works all over the country.

I’ve said I’ll look for a new job to help him more with money, I’ve said I’ll completely change the way I speak to him and really try to show more affection. It was never intentional if I spoke to him like rubbish.

He completely ruined Christmas, he basically ignored me for 2 weeks then on Tuesday it blew up again and he decided to go back to his dads and come back at the weekend.

Ive told him how much I love him, how much I want to give this another try and for him to please just give it a try and if he still feels he doesn’t love me after we’ve both given it a good try then that’s fair enough but atleast we know we tried.

Also to add he’s worked away a lot of the time with younger lads in their 20s and he has just turned 40.

I feel lost and broken and it’s all come completely out the blue for me, I didn’t see it coming at all.
I don’t really know the point to this post except maybe asking for advice on what I should do. I feel like everyone else is having this wonderful life and my lovely little family, home, future has been ripped out from under me. I know I probably sound completely pathetic.

thank you so much to who ever reads this long rambling post.

I'm so sorry you're going through this I've been there and it's really really tough, you feel like someone's ripped your whole life apart. I was in complete shock and did the pick me dance, other replies have mentioned the chump lady book leave a cheater I wish I'd known about it from the start. My husband decided to stay and we reconciled I wish now I'd let him leave as I've just discovered him messaging another younger woman!! Please take care of yourself and take each day at a time and try not to worry about the future too much xx

@MozartsMeatballs it's very difficult I know when you aren't naturally a bitch, and in one if life's people pleasers, but when you do drag it out- it's most satisfying if you've been crapped on

I feel for you, but please: Do not beg him to come back. Just don’t - ever.
Not only does it put you in a completely vulnerable position, actually it’s unappealing, so it’s doubly counterproductive.
Sooner or later you’ve got to tough up, play hard ball: The sooner you can do it, the better for you. The same hurt will be there, the same result, whenever. Time to do things by your rules now, sort out your separation and finances, access to the kids.

Why wait till he makes his mind up, you need to take control don't let him play you, he will never make his mind up he is just saying that, but you can take it out of his hands this power he has, tell him your done, ( do you really want to sit around waiting for him to have his fun and maybe still not come back) your sorting the finances out and home, he can f@@k off if he thinks he can play you op

Oh op some men just never learn do they, sorry your going through this again, bloody men hay

Hey girl, i remember this feeling so well. It's like you all of a sudden feel so uncertain of life, and who you are anymore! It's a very lonely place too be so all of my love is with you. My genuine advice is do not contact him while he is staying away. I know this is really difficult, trust me, I do. The best thing you can do is act super laid back about it. It's reverse psychology and he will start wondering why you are not chasing him. Men (especially who has cheated) will all of a sudden feel the alpha, and that all women want them, the grass is greener etc etc especially if they are working with boys in thier 20s who are going out doing what they want to do, until they realise they want thier family more when he gets fed up of the life he will try to create for himself. Do not chase this man, let him chase you. If he does not chase you, then someone will. Sending hugs OP 🫂 xx

OP. If you are not married you need legal and financial advice asap. What is the situaton about the property/ mortgage/ home insurance/ life insurance/ pensions? I am so sorry this has happened to you, but for the sake of your children you need to figure out what rights you have, if any.

Hi all, quick update for you all.
I arranged to go out with some friends last night for drinks, when I said I’m going out tonight is that ok? He said where are you going and who with, so I told him went upstairs and proceeded to get ready. He then came upstairs whilst I was getting myself ready and he said, I’ve made my decision, I’m not coming back, I’m leaving you.
I didn’t react, I said ok that’s your choice you know my feelings on the situation.
He didn’t like how I reacted, then proceeded to call me a c*t and said I’ve been a c*t for 15 years. I was like wow, if I’ve been that bad why did we get engaged 11 years ago, have two children and buy a house.
He then said if I’d noticed him being unhappy a few months ago I’d have been able to save the relationship.
He then said he started feeling the feelings of being unhappy after he turned 40 in October and thought to himself can I be this unhappy for the next 40 years.
I didn’t argue with him, I didn’t raise my voice I stayed very calm and said if you’d spoken to me about things I would have tried my hardest to make it better and get us back on track because as far as I was aware we were going through a rocky patch because of both working, not spending much time together, the stress of every day life, young children, you working away a lot and money stress etc.

Since this he keeps staring at me and looking at me for no reason. We are talking normally as kids are here and he’s building a new bed for our eldest. I honestly think he was expecting me to shout and beg him to stay again.

I feel shit because I know I do still love him and we’ve had some lovely memories and two wonderful children but I feel like my mindset has switched to survival mode and doing my best for the boys.

I know it’s going to be a long road and I’ve got a lot of grieving to do and get our new normal in place. After today he won’t be back till the weekend as I’m at work all weekend so it’ll give me a good few days to work through things.

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for replying and for the advice. I’ve taken it all on board, I’ve spoken to citizens advice, my work and cm so I’ve got the ball rolling. No doubt they’ll be another post from me over this healing process I’m going to go through and I’m so ready for my anger stage to kick in that he chose to leave us and didn’t give us the opportunity to even try.
Thank you all again xx

Well done OP, you've acted in the right way. Stay firm in front of him and do not contact him.
I know your heart is breaking but stay focused and get organised. He is not a safe person anymore.
I feel for you but you sound stronger already and I know you're going to be OK x

Please raise your bar OP. He called you a cunt multiple times. Conversation should have been over there. He has no respect. What a melt

So just as you are about to go out and do something for yourself, he pulls this bullshit stunt. Trying to sabotage your night and bring you down a peg or two?

There is a cunt in this relationship and it certainly isn't you @Bengal233

OP well done for the way you handled that conversation. i wish you the best of luck. anyone who calls the mother of their children a c* belongs to the streets.

I think that is exactly right about him emotionally checking out months ago so he’s had time to process a lot more than me as it’s only been two weeks. I just wish he’d make the clear decision as he still said we are in a relationship just not a very good one and he can’t say for certain if the feelings will come back or not. I feel like once he’s been clear I can grief if that makes sense.

Love, this is so painful to read. He’s an unbelievable arsehole to be inflicting this on you without warning and rather than just being upfront about it, he’s squirming around trying to blame it all on you and prolonging your pain by dangling a carrot of ‘maybe’. Fuck him sideways, the lying shit.

I know you’re in shock and devastated but there are two things you need to do - find your anger, and take back your power. Don’t be helpless and leave it up to him to decide what happens to you - you have value, you have agency. Impossible as it may feel right now to let him go, you deserve so much more than this.

Begging on your knees to someone who doesn’t love or even respect you will only make him despise you more and totally deplete your self-esteem - I’m so sorry to be brutal, but that’s the truth.

The women on here are an enormous source of strength, support and information. Start taking back control and arm yourself for what’s to come - nothing will be more of a surprise to him than if you say you’ve decided you don’t want him back. Right now he’s thinking he’s going to get to do this his way and control the narrative and slide off into a new life of freedom and fucking around, all on his terms and with no consequences. Don’t let him.

Sorry, OP, hadn’t checked all your updates before I posted. You’re handling this like a boss. Hope you’re as ok as you can be 💐

His angry reaction coupled with the disgusting name-calling shows he really didn’t like your calm and dignified reaction. He’s rewritten history and your pointing out the truth, that he was happy enough to get engaged and have two children, is absolutely classic and an attempt on his part to blame you for his selfish choices thus rendering him the victim. I’m glad you’re not listening to this, it’s utter rubbish.
Even if he was unhappy at the time he could have told you and offered to work on things with you. Infidelity is the selfish coward’s choice and his angry reaction just shows he knows that all too well.
He obviously wanted two women fighting and begging over him and didn’t get it.
You did so well, you must be in such shock and pain but you kept a calm and dignified demeanour, that’s incredibly hard to do but absolutely the right thing.
Take care of yourself now and grey rock his outbursts, he just wants a reaction, so whatever you do, don’t give it to him no matter how tempting or hard to stay calm.
Get as much information and support as you can now, he’s no longer your friend, he only has his own interests at heart.
Wishing you strength and comfort, the man is clearly a fool trashing his life like this.

Well done OP for not reacting, begging, bargaining etc. My ExH also said that I'd treated him like a c*nt for years. OMG have they got some sort of 'Cheating Tw@t Manual'.

Completely agree with @EnjoythemoneyJane - take back your power now. I didn't do this and I've spent the last 12 years battling to assert my boundaries. I should have done it from the off.

Good that you have a few days without the AH to sort things out. Please act fast and hit him with it. Although I've struggled with asserting boundaries with my cheating ExH, I think the most satisfying thing I ever did was tell him that estate agents had been round to value the house, I'd found a new place to rent back in my home town, I'd found a new school for DD1 and that we'd be moving in weeks.

@Bengal233 he’s sort of made it easier for you now. Bring a complete tw*t sort of cuts out the opportunities for regrets or second thoughts. There will still be hurt and pain, it will take a while, but you know for sure he’s better gone. Sending hugs to wrap round you

@Bengal233 there's only one see you next Tuesday here lovely -and it isn't you!!

You couldnt have handle that better! Well done!

He was pushing for a reaction and when he didnt get it, had a tantrum. He is a joke.

Holding it all inside in front of them and then letting it out with people you trust is the way to go. Grey rock to him, sobbing mess with your family and friends. Only he knows why he doing this, probably to not look like the bad guy, but frankly who the hell cares? You are doing the right thing to look after yourself and your lovely boys. Keep going sweetheart, you have got this.

Oh and FYI.....mid life crisis men ALWAYS regret it, you will have the last laugh on this one!

Bloody well done OP.

It sounds so positive that you're now questioning his outbursts & seeing that they make no sense whatsoever & he's just rewriting history to justify his shit behaviour.

Continue to let his batshit rantings wash over you & maintain your grey rock exterior. Cry all you need to in private.

Very well done op 👏👏👏

That must have taken some effort to remain composed like that!

What a coward he is. I think it's pitiful that he can't own his own mistakes or infidelity and places the blame for the end of the relationship on you.

I would now go grey rock and only communicate very minimally about childcare etc. Try and be out as much as possible when he's at home or invite your friends and family to be with you at home. Don't listen to any more of his nonsense.

The best thing you can do now is step away emotionally, and keep all of your struggles private from him, and thrive! It will be hard but the sooner you can accept it's over the sooner you can start living your own life. And that will irk him more than anything. Hold your head up high op!

Absolutely 💯 you are an absolute legend OP. I am sure that all the amazing advice from the Wise Women on this thread has helped immensely. All power to you.

Bloody well done you, stay calm, he wants you to react 😉, clad you went out too, he will be fulming losing control 😉

How are things now OP? hope you're ok

This is absolutely spot on. I'm quoting the whole post in case OP missed it the first time!