To expect DH to take me to hospital appointments?

[Sth888]

Is it unreasonable to expect my DH to take me to hospital appointments? I have a family history of breast cancer at a young age and have been referred to a breast clinic and separately, to another uterus scan clinic too by my GP. This is supported by recent blood test results that have come up as high for a cancer marker.

I've communicated all this to my DH and asked him to drop me off at the hospital for my breast clinic appointment. I've been a bit out of it since that appointment was booked for me 48h ago, confused, tired and dazed and like life is going by me in a strange way. He's of course seen that I've been confused and tired this week.
I asked him to take me to the appointment as parking was difficult due to construction work and I was concerned about the traffic in that town (that's known to be busy) and parking etc, he seemed to (somewhat reluctantly) agree to take me there but moaned about work meetings and that he wouldn't be able to pick me up until a set time etc because of those. Kids also needed picking up from school so I just said I'd drive there myself then and back.

There isn't public transport to the hospital from where we live and a taxi would be £50 or so either way so I decided to drive. Traffic was a nightmare and the satnav took me through difficult roads through the town rather than outskirts suggest by Google maps suggested (not supported in the car).

I missed my appointment at the breast clinic (a 20 minute drive took 80 minutes :( ) and now have to reschedule. I apologised profusely to various people at the hospital and feel awful for wasting NHS resources and running late to it.
I also got cross with my DH for not being supportive. If the tables were turned, I would've taken the day off work and tried to arrange for childcare just to take him there and back and sat there with him throughout his appointments if there was a cancer scare.

Is it unreasonable to expect my DH to just do the same?
He's not the type that would ever offer to drop me off at airports or help me with anything like taking groceries in if I need it without me specifically asking him to help. And mostly that's fine, I'm independent, but surely if my GP has deemed it serious enough to start referring me to various scans and appointments for various things cancer related this trumps everything else?
I'm disappointed and upset. He's apologised since I got upset and said he should've done things differently and is offering to take me in future and says he did wrong. But feels like he's just doing it now because I got upset with him and wouldn't have changed his behaviour otherwise. Surely a loved one should realize from the onset, like, "I need to step up here now" rather than only realize that after he's been told off for not being helpful?

My head isn't maybe quite in the right place so would appreciate other's viewpoints. I've not mentioned to anyone else like family or friends to not get people anxious for me while we're waiting for scans and results etc so doesn't feel like I can talk to people near me about it.

But if you could drive yourself, the kids needed to be picked up, and he had work meetings, then it makes far more sense for you to drive yourself provided you are able to do so, particularly if it was an 80 minute trip each way. That means he’d have been traveling for nearly 5 hours to do drop off and pick up for you. It would be different if you were physically unable to, but it doesn’t make sense in this case.

Sorry but it made far more sense for you to drive with him having work meetings & needing to pick the kids up.
It's not his fault you found the roads hard to follow, but you know where your going now so next time you'll be fine.

You're too nice. You asked, he said yes, complained it was a pain and you said you'd sort it. You'd have been better off saying that sounds tough, and no problem leaving me until 4pm, but who will pick up the kids?

Unfortunately support looks different to everyone else. In my family we'd probably plan a family trip to the docs and a dinner that evening to review what the doc said and would start a google doc to brainstorm questions to ask the doctor. DH's family wouldn't tell their spouse they had an appointment. So he might not instinctively know what you need. I still have to try really hard not to smother DH when he's sick. (Smother with support- not with a pillow)

Incidentally DH (despite his leaning towards complete medical isolation) would move heaven and earth to come to an appointment with me to an appointments if I asked him and told him it was important to me. I also think he'd offer to come, or make sure I'd organised someone to come with me in his absence.

I wouldn't expect to be taken to and from a scan, if I could drive myself. You would have still been late if he'd driven you. Going for treatment is different though, I would definitely expect support for that.

I"d let it go, but if he didn't take you to the next appointment, would be extremely disappointed. I have been in similar situation OP. Once my husband realised how terribly wrong it all went, going by myself he took me every time until I said I was fine to go alone. It is normal to be frightened, stressed, not concentrating etc you needed support he may not have realised. He should now.

Much easier to get yourself there, especially as there are other commitments . You are looking for excuses to me mad with your husband for some reason , maybe look at that

Well, I think this is what I'd have expected from him.

The kids go to an after school club a couple of days a week. There was the option to give them a call I suppose to check if they could stay there if needs be for 1 day this week and explain it was an emergency.

Thank you for your kind message.

You shouldnt have even had to ask him , he should have offered and realised that you were stressed and didn’t need a stressful drive on top of it all. I hope your tests are all ok

I think the issue here is the satnav and directions and route. Not the husband

It's normally a 20 minute drive, without traffic. The satnav took me through the town for some reason, on a different route to the one I had looked at on Google maps. My fault obviously for not checking in detail on the car satnav but looked like it was following the same route on the map when I entered it. But this is also where it'd have been helpful to have someone else in the car too.
I worked in the additional time just in case but even that wasn't enough clearly that day.

I think it's unreasonable to expect him to take an entire day off work to support you.. because these are multiple appointments that you have advance warning about.
Surely you can come to a compromise together where he can step up a bit? Pick up the kids from school on the day you have your appointment for example?
And there absolutely WILL be public transport to the hospital. People need to get to the hospital who don't drive. There WILL be a bus. Look for bus stops outside the hospital and look at the number bus that stops there then Google where they all go.
My husband uses the car for work so I get public transport to medical appointments. It just takes a bit of sitting down and working out before hand. I do live quite rurally as well. Trust me there will be public transport that gets you to the hospital.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. But as it seems to be an ongoing thing you will need many appointments for I think it's worth sitting down with your husband and working out a compromise.
Like I said it's not reasonable fir him to be missing whole days of work every time you have an appointment.. but he should be stepping up to help in some way by taking some other things off your plate whilst you are feeling unwell.

I went to my scans and biopsies alone. Having to drive myself was better because it took my mind off thinking about worse case scenarios.

The only times I didn't drive myself was when the hospital specifically veto'd it - chemo, surgery etc.

I hope it all turns out ok xx

Well this is my point. The opinions seem to be varied on this I guess by going by this thread and how much support we would expect from our spouses in such a situation.

Obviously this is stressful for you but it's not reasonable to expect your DH to take you when you are actually medically able to drive before and after. Especially if he is working and collecting kids.

My DH (DP at the time) took time off work to join me for my scan and biopsy. And then for all my early appointments, and treatments (until I asked him to just collect me after chemo, as it was so boring for him, and I was happy just reading) I didn't have to ask.

But when I had a pre-surgery consultation, and had to make the decision for excision or masectomy, he was faffing about trying to find a space to park in his preferred car park, and he totally missed the appointment, and I was stressed out and second guessing my decision for weeks. I felt so let down. We talked, and it's water under the bridge now.

I know you ideally shouldn't have to, but I would have a chat with your DH, and spell out for him how important it is for him to be there for you. It's not just the logistics, but when you're stressing out, having someone in your corner makes a big difference. They can also help to remember questions you've forgotten, or remember things you've been told, but missed with everything else going on. Could well be that all of this hasn't dawned on him, and he's still just thinking logistics and daily grind. But he needs to understand, and he needs to be there for you.

DP and I obviously have a different kind of relationship.
Any hospital appointment for anything, we ask each other if we would like the other to come for support.
I hope everything is okay

I suspect he's a bit like my husband. His first reaction to something scary is denial. Then when reality bites, the penny drops and he snaps into focus.
He didn't want to accept the seriousness of your appointment. Now he does. Not a great trait, but now you know what you've got to work with.
Make sure you ask for the help you need, and take the decisions that are best for YOU.
I'll hazard a guess that you are used to letting him have his way quite a lot, to avoid arguments and because the outcome is not that important to you. You won't even think that much about it, it's just the everyday accommodation we make for our partners. But this is one time where he really must put your needs first, and you need to be loud and clear about that.
Hope it goes well for you OP x

There's no right or wrong answer to this, as different people want different things. Your DH would have to take two days' annual leave to get you to these appointments though (as would you) - I'd rather we spent those days on someone else.

You really need to communicate with each other about what you want. He's not a mind reader and there's no 'right' way of dealing with it.

(I have a lot of breast appointments due to cysts needing draining and am quite happy to sort myself out, even though I often faint!)

I think there's a split between people who'd want their partners to come to the appointment with them and those who would rather go alone/don't think a scan is up there as very stressful. Not many would just want him to take a day off to drive you.

You asked him only for practical support, not emotional with him coming to the appointment. He also had to pick the kids up, so just saw it as more practical that you drive yourself and he gets the kids. He wasn't to know you'd get in a muddle doing a 20min drive. TBH that part you are really angry at yourself and blaming him.

I hope the tests go well, there's no reason here to suspect he won't step up for you if something real happens. Good luck and don't worry about worst cases until they happen.

If the journey took much longer than expected you'd have still been late even if he took you. It would just mean he would've maybe taken the blame for making you late. It's a shame but also he clearly did have other commitments he had to attend to.

I think you need to take some personal responsibility here.
Yes it’s not easy, but you are an adult not a child.
Your OP just made you sound like hard work imo.

I wouldn't expect DH to go with me or drive me for an appointment simply to start an investigation due to genetic markers if I was able to drive myself.

If I was to be sedated/medically not able to drive or it was going to be a very harrowing appointment then I would ask him.

I have driven myself and gone alone for colposcopy appointment and various scans.

DH has taken me when it's been for surgery.

It sounds like the issue here was the traffic/sat nav?

Just sending you some love, OP, at what must be a scary time.

20 minute drive took 80 minutes

It would quite possibly have been the same length for him too! I think if he has work and kids to pick up, it makes more sense for you to drive, really. Just leave plenty of time for the next appointment-you can always get a coffee first if you arrive early.