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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To expect DH to take me to hospital appointments?

66 replies

Sth888 · 09/01/2025 11:58

Is it unreasonable to expect my DH to take me to hospital appointments? I have a family history of breast cancer at a young age and have been referred to a breast clinic and separately, to another uterus scan clinic too by my GP. This is supported by recent blood test results that have come up as high for a cancer marker.

I've communicated all this to my DH and asked him to drop me off at the hospital for my breast clinic appointment. I've been a bit out of it since that appointment was booked for me 48h ago, confused, tired and dazed and like life is going by me in a strange way. He's of course seen that I've been confused and tired this week.
I asked him to take me to the appointment as parking was difficult due to construction work and I was concerned about the traffic in that town (that's known to be busy) and parking etc, he seemed to (somewhat reluctantly) agree to take me there but moaned about work meetings and that he wouldn't be able to pick me up until a set time etc because of those. Kids also needed picking up from school so I just said I'd drive there myself then and back.

There isn't public transport to the hospital from where we live and a taxi would be £50 or so either way so I decided to drive. Traffic was a nightmare and the satnav took me through difficult roads through the town rather than outskirts suggest by Google maps suggested (not supported in the car).

I missed my appointment at the breast clinic (a 20 minute drive took 80 minutes :( ) and now have to reschedule. I apologised profusely to various people at the hospital and feel awful for wasting NHS resources and running late to it.
I also got cross with my DH for not being supportive. If the tables were turned, I would've taken the day off work and tried to arrange for childcare just to take him there and back and sat there with him throughout his appointments if there was a cancer scare.

Is it unreasonable to expect my DH to just do the same?
He's not the type that would ever offer to drop me off at airports or help me with anything like taking groceries in if I need it without me specifically asking him to help. And mostly that's fine, I'm independent, but surely if my GP has deemed it serious enough to start referring me to various scans and appointments for various things cancer related this trumps everything else?
I'm disappointed and upset. He's apologised since I got upset and said he should've done things differently and is offering to take me in future and says he did wrong. But feels like he's just doing it now because I got upset with him and wouldn't have changed his behaviour otherwise. Surely a loved one should realize from the onset, like, "I need to step up here now" rather than only realize that after he's been told off for not being helpful?

My head isn't maybe quite in the right place so would appreciate other's viewpoints. I've not mentioned to anyone else like family or friends to not get people anxious for me while we're waiting for scans and results etc so doesn't feel like I can talk to people near me about it.

OP posts:
RB68 · 09/01/2025 14:51

I am with you - him dropping you off and collecting later would have been fine, other arrangements for kids would suit. I agree some support would be good at this point instead of moaning about helping out to ease your load while you are dealing with this.

No wonder women neglect themselves in families - he needs to get his head out of his arse and treat it as serious rather than like a dental appt or something. Car parking and roadwork situations around hospitals can be utterly ridiculous and a 20 min in and drop is far better than a whole who ha.

I appreciate roadworks made it difficult this time but maybe speak to the hospital and ask for an appt for a better time of day - I like 8am appts for this reason - no traffic and parking pretty clear

GOod luck in sorting - I am sure the hospital is used to it if its that bad and fingers crossed for the all clear

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/01/2025 14:58

Pogeatsalltheburgers · 09/01/2025 12:22

I think it's unreasonable to expect him to take an entire day off work to support you.. because these are multiple appointments that you have advance warning about.
Surely you can come to a compromise together where he can step up a bit? Pick up the kids from school on the day you have your appointment for example?
And there absolutely WILL be public transport to the hospital. People need to get to the hospital who don't drive. There WILL be a bus. Look for bus stops outside the hospital and look at the number bus that stops there then Google where they all go.
My husband uses the car for work so I get public transport to medical appointments. It just takes a bit of sitting down and working out before hand. I do live quite rurally as well. Trust me there will be public transport that gets you to the hospital.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. But as it seems to be an ongoing thing you will need many appointments for I think it's worth sitting down with your husband and working out a compromise.
Like I said it's not reasonable fir him to be missing whole days of work every time you have an appointment.. but he should be stepping up to help in some way by taking some other things off your plate whilst you are feeling unwell.

I think you are being unfair to the OP.
She clearly does not live on an easy bus route, not all of us do.
She has a family history of cancer and was clearly frightened. Sometimes we need those we love to be with us for appointments, no matter if others don’t agree.
I hope OP you get a replacement appointment soon x

MerryMaker · 09/01/2025 15:01

There is not always public transport to a hospital

Asparename · 09/01/2025 15:08

If the route was different on Google maps, it might be worth you getting a phone holder for your car and use Google maps as a satnav.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/01/2025 15:18

I think you should have stuck with him dropping you off and picking you up even if it meant that you would have had to wait a while.

Freeme31 · 09/01/2025 16:57

OP i don't know if it was feasible for him to take you or not but i think your probably feeling vulnerable and a little scared right now which is completely understandable so maybe it's not about the drive as much as you feeling sensitive so maybe that's the conversation you should be having with him and if because of his work he can't make the drive perhaps you can speak on the phone and you will not feel so alone.

Weddingbells6 · 16/02/2025 00:45

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I do think you need to take some responsibility. You’re a grown woman that can check a route before hand and maybe even practise the drive before the appt. It wouldn’t even enter my head to ask for a lift unless I was having a procedure.

Ladyj84 · 16/02/2025 00:49

No I wouldn't expect hubby to drop work for tests intact I go thru tests like this every few months just because of family cancer history and I drive the hour and a half each way happily alone. As far as I'm concerned if hubby didn't work we lose out as a family. I know for a fact if it was actually serious he would be there and I wouldn't have to ask

Carnation25 · 16/02/2025 01:10

My DH would have taken me without question and I would do the same for him.

Alwaysalert · 06/10/2025 12:54

I have read all these posts and some posters have clearly not read your post carefully. Firstly you state that there is no public transport and I believe you. I have to take 2 buses to get off on the main road where the hospital is. It is not a special hospital bus, just an ordinary bus passing on the main road. I take a taxi - £13/14 return as if I drive the parking is stressful as there are never any spaces and such a faff queing at machines to pay as you are leaving. I quote you "There isn't public transport to the hospital from where we live and a taxi would be £50". I also quote "I've been a bit out of it since that appointment was booked for me 48h ago, confused, tired and dazed and like life is going by me in a strange way. He's of course seen that I've been confused and tired this week." I believe it could have been dangerous for you to drive in the state you were in as you did not/do not know what the investigation would uncover, nobody does. But those thoughts would probably have been playing and replaying in your head on the drive there Unless your husband would face a disciplinary or the sack for taking you to a hospital appointment, I cannot find any reason why he couldn't take you for this first appointment when you were so worried and tired. You could have had an accident when you were so tired and would have been at fault from a legal position if you had caused the accident by being distracted or "been a bit out of it" and had hit something or worse someone. I remember years ago (80s) when a GP found a lump and at that time was so worried she made an appointment for a couple of days later, and my former partner took a day off to accompany me just for support. It made the appointment so much easier to face and it was good news. We ended up splitting about 10 years later but I so miss him at times like that to hear any bad news or rejoice in any good news. I went to hospital 3 years ago alone and inpatient for 2 weeks for Cancer of the small Bowel, even though I had a couple of visitors, it wasn't the same as having a partner to tell and discuss with as I had also been alone when I was told that was what was wrong with me - GP Nurse kept saying stress but I knew it was more than that. It was removed along with other organs and I just plodded along still suffering with same symptoms that I had when I first went to GP. Last Friday I was told it had spread to my Lungs and I so wish I'd had someone with me, especially a partner or husband. I hope everything is ok with you and I'm sure if it is you won't find the next appointment so daunting. Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Tillow4ever · 06/10/2025 14:59

Alwaysalert · 06/10/2025 12:54

I have read all these posts and some posters have clearly not read your post carefully. Firstly you state that there is no public transport and I believe you. I have to take 2 buses to get off on the main road where the hospital is. It is not a special hospital bus, just an ordinary bus passing on the main road. I take a taxi - £13/14 return as if I drive the parking is stressful as there are never any spaces and such a faff queing at machines to pay as you are leaving. I quote you "There isn't public transport to the hospital from where we live and a taxi would be £50". I also quote "I've been a bit out of it since that appointment was booked for me 48h ago, confused, tired and dazed and like life is going by me in a strange way. He's of course seen that I've been confused and tired this week." I believe it could have been dangerous for you to drive in the state you were in as you did not/do not know what the investigation would uncover, nobody does. But those thoughts would probably have been playing and replaying in your head on the drive there Unless your husband would face a disciplinary or the sack for taking you to a hospital appointment, I cannot find any reason why he couldn't take you for this first appointment when you were so worried and tired. You could have had an accident when you were so tired and would have been at fault from a legal position if you had caused the accident by being distracted or "been a bit out of it" and had hit something or worse someone. I remember years ago (80s) when a GP found a lump and at that time was so worried she made an appointment for a couple of days later, and my former partner took a day off to accompany me just for support. It made the appointment so much easier to face and it was good news. We ended up splitting about 10 years later but I so miss him at times like that to hear any bad news or rejoice in any good news. I went to hospital 3 years ago alone and inpatient for 2 weeks for Cancer of the small Bowel, even though I had a couple of visitors, it wasn't the same as having a partner to tell and discuss with as I had also been alone when I was told that was what was wrong with me - GP Nurse kept saying stress but I knew it was more than that. It was removed along with other organs and I just plodded along still suffering with same symptoms that I had when I first went to GP. Last Friday I was told it had spread to my Lungs and I so wish I'd had someone with me, especially a partner or husband. I hope everything is ok with you and I'm sure if it is you won't find the next appointment so daunting. Take care and my thoughts are with you.

This thread was from January. The last reply before you resurrected it today was in February. Well done….

Alwaysalert · 06/10/2025 15:37

@Sth888 I've ignored all the negative and sometimes mean preachy posts, just to say that I hope by now you have had results from any scans and pray they were all Cancer free. Take care and for a next time (if there is one), take a Taxi, to hell with the price.

CharlieKirkRIP · 06/10/2025 15:39

You are not actually ill with cancer and are only going for check ups and creating dream for yourself and putting unnecessary pressure on him to drive you!

Alwaysalert · 06/10/2025 15:40

It was in my feed on my a/c and in GMail messages of today - so very sorry it has bothered you - no-one made you read it.

CountryShepherd · 06/10/2025 19:40

Many years ago, my DS was born very prematurely and I had a terrifying experience with a CS section plus complications with a dural tap. I was in hospital for 10 days. DH worked from home for a few days afterwards but said he couldn't leave his desk to take me to visit a baby weighing under 3lb and that I would need to get the bus. It was a 20 min round trip.

I left him a few years later and I remember thinking that this was quite a pivotal moment. I am also still angry at myself that I let it happen.

My subsequent DH totally understands the brief. I had to have a biopsy (no problems in the end) but he took me to the hospital, waited with me and took me home afterwards. I have done the same for him. It's how you show care for people you love.

FuzzyWolf · 06/10/2025 19:45

I hope your results come back with the all clear. I suspect you are turning your worry about them into frustration with your DH.

The reality is that if the results confirm cancer, he will need all of his annual leave to support and look after you and the children. Wasting it now for a non event wouldn’t be sensible.

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