To expect DH to take me to hospital appointments?

[Sth888]

Is it unreasonable to expect my DH to take me to hospital appointments? I have a family history of breast cancer at a young age and have been referred to a breast clinic and separately, to another uterus scan clinic too by my GP. This is supported by recent blood test results that have come up as high for a cancer marker.

I've communicated all this to my DH and asked him to drop me off at the hospital for my breast clinic appointment. I've been a bit out of it since that appointment was booked for me 48h ago, confused, tired and dazed and like life is going by me in a strange way. He's of course seen that I've been confused and tired this week.
I asked him to take me to the appointment as parking was difficult due to construction work and I was concerned about the traffic in that town (that's known to be busy) and parking etc, he seemed to (somewhat reluctantly) agree to take me there but moaned about work meetings and that he wouldn't be able to pick me up until a set time etc because of those. Kids also needed picking up from school so I just said I'd drive there myself then and back.

There isn't public transport to the hospital from where we live and a taxi would be £50 or so either way so I decided to drive. Traffic was a nightmare and the satnav took me through difficult roads through the town rather than outskirts suggest by Google maps suggested (not supported in the car).

I missed my appointment at the breast clinic (a 20 minute drive took 80 minutes :( ) and now have to reschedule. I apologised profusely to various people at the hospital and feel awful for wasting NHS resources and running late to it.
I also got cross with my DH for not being supportive. If the tables were turned, I would've taken the day off work and tried to arrange for childcare just to take him there and back and sat there with him throughout his appointments if there was a cancer scare.

Is it unreasonable to expect my DH to just do the same?
He's not the type that would ever offer to drop me off at airports or help me with anything like taking groceries in if I need it without me specifically asking him to help. And mostly that's fine, I'm independent, but surely if my GP has deemed it serious enough to start referring me to various scans and appointments for various things cancer related this trumps everything else?
I'm disappointed and upset. He's apologised since I got upset and said he should've done things differently and is offering to take me in future and says he did wrong. But feels like he's just doing it now because I got upset with him and wouldn't have changed his behaviour otherwise. Surely a loved one should realize from the onset, like, "I need to step up here now" rather than only realize that after he's been told off for not being helpful?

My head isn't maybe quite in the right place so would appreciate other's viewpoints. I've not mentioned to anyone else like family or friends to not get people anxious for me while we're waiting for scans and results etc so doesn't feel like I can talk to people near me about it.

There's some harsh comments on here. I hope that you're ok OP and you get the results you want. The prospect of having a life changing condition can be very scary and actually it would have been nice if your DH could have come with you to your appointment. Frankly, it wouldn't have hurt him to show more concern for you, even if he was unable to get out of work commitments.

There is a lot we don’t know about the situation. I completely understand why you wanted him to drop you off, I would have been the same. However when I was working there were days when I could easily have dropped DH off somewhere or gone to an appointment with him and days when it would have caused chaos at work. Obviously if absolutely necessary things can always be rearranged but some things would have been very hard and would have had complicated knock on effects.

I wouldn't ask my DP to take me to that sort of appointment, where its unlikely (I assume, I never did/do) you'll get results there and then. I'd want him to save any goodwill with his work if any other appointments are needed where I'd be getting results.

When kids are involved sometimes we've got to think practically, they needed picking up. One time I knew the kids would be suspicious if me and dp were out together at one of my results appointments, so as hard as it was to go on my own I did because I didn't want them putting 2 and 2 together.

Sorry you're in this situation op. Do bear in mind cancer markers can be up and down for all sorts of benign reasons x

He's not the type that would ever offer to drop me off at airports or help me with anything like taking groceries in if I need it without me specifically asking him to help. And mostly that's fine, I'm independent

Why is taking in shopping automatically you job? I'm with the majority on this thread in that it isn't reasonable to expect him to take a day off work to drive you to a scan, but your post suggests this is not an isolated incident and he does fuck all around the house.

I would never ask my husband to take me to appointments, especially if he was supposed to be at work. Even if he wasn't working, I am a competent adult and I don't need to be "babied". If I wasn't able to drive, I'd get public transport or a taxi. It's what adults do.

@Cynic17 Well I am an adult and I do need support. Support is not being as you delightfully put it babied.

Yanbu, everyone is different!
I wouldn't want my DH to take me, as he gets more stressed about medical issues than I do! He came with me to a colposcopy once and I spent most of the drive there and back calming him down! I, however, am very pragmatic with medical issues, and I appreciate not everyone is the same

This made me laugh!

Thanks for sharing. You're right, we do all seem to be different and as someone else said on here, there seems to be a split between people expecting their spouses to attend with them for such appointments, and others who do not. So thanks for sharing all of you who have been kind and thoughtful in your responses (agreeing or not). In my family, growing up, we'd have nearest family eg spouse or mum or dad immediately volunteering to come as moral support. I suspect it's different in my DH's family.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to take a day off work, or even half a day off work to drive you there. How often is this going to happen? Depending on the outcome of the scan, and I really hope you have a good outcome, there could be several follow up appointments and really you can't expect your husband to be taking you there each time because he can't have that much time off work.
For places like that where there's no public transport from where I live I often go to a place with park and ride or similar, park the car and take a short bus or train journey to get to the location and avoid the inner-city traffic so perhaps you could do something like that the next time.
You should be able to get yourself there independently unless you have been told that you can't drive or take public transport after the appointment.

However, having said all of that, I do think there's more to this because you've hinted that your DH isn't very supportive and doesn't offer to help by dropping you off at the airport or taking in groceries. This incident with the hospital has really shown that he's not that caring. I had an ex like this and he had any number of excuses as to why he couldn't do this that and the other. Turned out he was just selfish and didn't love me really.

In my family also, we would have nearest family offering support. If I'd asked my husband, he would have rearranged work and taken me. I don't agree with the comments that it's on you or that you are being 'babied'. On this occasion, I think your husband should have looked at the bigger picture and supported you.

If you truly can’t physically drive or aren’t allowed to, yes. Just because you are flustered and don’t want to, no.

If this is cancer, you’re in for a long road and a lot of appointments and realistically, you’re gonna need to put your big girl pants on and drive yourself.

I have cancer. Only times Dh has driven me to the hospital were for surgeries (I’ve had 3) and for 4 weeks when I was not permitted to drive until I could be assessed as safe to drive again. There are weeks when I’ve had 3-4 appointments. It’s like half a day each time. I can’t even work because of all the driving back and forth, so definitely dh needs to be at work or at home holding it all together.

There may be appointments you want him there for and that’s fair enough. But I think you need to tackle the driving thing.

Same. I'd be pretty miffed if my husband didn't offer to take me, or at least ask if I wanted him there. I'd do the same for him 🤷🏻‍♀️
I hope your results come back ok OP

I definitely think he should have taken you.

I am single and have to take myself to hospital appointments. It is so difficult and stressful to park that I now take a taxi door to door which is very expensive but it cuts out some of the stress and I am more likely to get there on time.

The last time I had an appointment (women’s clinic) several women turned up after me apologising for being late because they couldn’t park and one poor lady was in tears as she thought she had missed her appointment.

If he really could not get time off work or something fair enough but otherwise partners are there to support you.

I have a family member who has a lot of appointments and her husband never takes her and she has to get public transport after she has had horrible tests and I always think, how mean, especially as he is retired.

I have had a lot of appointments in the last year or so and I would say most people are in a couple so it appears to me to be the norm to
accompany your partner. That’s even at the appointments which say, Come on your own.

I always think it’s nice to see that. My father would always have taken my mother, no question.

I wouldn't need to ask, DH would volunteer to take me and pick me up if I wanted him to. (Or he would wait) We've always done this for each other, as well as rail and airport drop-offs and pickups for nearby family too if we're able, unless they ask us not to.

Honestly, makes more sense for you to drive yourself.

I drove myself to my appointments and took a taxi for my surgery, though my husband picked me up two days later. I thought he was much more useful with the kids at home than he was fussing over me.

Buy a dashboard holder for you phone and use google maps rather than your cars shite satnav system next time

I have hospital apts and have to be ready to go 2 hours before them for hospital pre arranged transport. So as you knew traffic would possibly be bad you should have taken that into account..It is very difficult for anyone with other things to do to be available for hospital transport .I have found. they can virtually lose a whole day.which may not be acceptable for their circumstances

Try not to blame your husband consciously or subconsciously for your health scare. You are bound to be frightened although the chance of anything actually being wrong is low. Some people 'blame' their partner in some way,for example the not being driven thing.
With regards to breast cancer, every year the five year survival rate goes up. I think the statistic is now nearly 80%. Breast cancer is one of the most treatable cancers.
Good luck. Hopefully everything will be ok and you can put this behind you.

YABVU
You should have left earlier. You knew about it and could have easily planned a different route, leaving earlier. None of which you chose to do.

He's apologised and said he was wrong and it will be different in future. Please accept this, it's too stressful to keep re-hashing it so it's not good for you.
I sincerely hope all goes well with your next appointments.

My husband went alone for a camera down his throat, we thought it was something and nothing. They told him there and then it was almost certainly cancer. I felt absolutely terrible.

Sorry it took you 4 times the normal time

80m v 20m seems very strange

Always double check route

Equally for something like Breast cancer I would have expected my dh to have done with me for support so weird he didn't

Exactly this.
And if it would have cost £50 in a taxi it was never, ever going to be a 20 minute drive in any universe, I'd expect more like 40 mins in a taxi for £50 and that's in SE England. The main issue you had was that your sat nav massively underestimated the length of the journey, and then you hit some extremely bad traffic that made it worse.

Sorry your health isn't great op.

A 20 minute drive does not add up to £50 each way taxi fare op. If it's a major hospital with oncology there will be plenty of public transport, even if you have to park closer and bus in, that part does t make sense.

Work and childcare arrangements can be worked around if necessary which he agreed to, though tricky, but you refused. Your satnav needs reprogramming, or have Google maps on your phone next time. Or practice the journey in advance and set off really early.

He offered, you refused, now he's getting aggro because you're feeling (understandably) wobbly with the health worries.