asked partner to move out by today, he chose to go to pub, came back 01:30 been ringing doorbell ever since

[splishsplosh]

I've finally had enough of the way my partner behaves, and treats me. In the week I explained I was no longer willing to have him here, he said he couldn't move out til the weekend. It was obvious he didn't want to, avoiding the subject etc, and previously he has refused to go, telling me I am selfish or spoilt etc for making such a decision, basically undermining my right to decide.

Today he said he was coming out to meet me on the way back from the shops - when I got home I called him, he said he must have missed me, and would come back. An hour later called him, he was obviously in the pub.

I said the only reason I'd let him in was if he came back before dd's bedtime, to say good night to her. If not, told him he could come round by 10pm & I would give him any of his things he needed, alternatively he could tell me what he needed and I would leave it out for him.

Instead he started ringing my phone continuously at 1am - turned them off. About half an hour later he turned up, started ringing doorbell continuously. Went on til 3 (I gnored him) - stopped for half hour, then started again - at 4, went downstairs and told him I'd call the police if he touched the doorbell again. He said go ahead, and where did I expect him to go.

But I feel like I gave him plenty of opportunities to arrange somewhere to go. Instead he thinks he can just wake me in the middle of the night, bully me into letting him have his way, show me no respect, not care if he wakes our dd.

So I've called the police - it's something I wanted to avoid, but I am so furious that he thinks he can behave any way he wants and I have to put up with it, give in to him etc.

That's reasonable isn't it????

I find myself thinking I've made things worse between us. I'm pg too, and think things will just deteriorate further, but I can't keep on letting myself be treated anyway he wants to. Can't sleep, so I came here to vent a bit

Of course you were being reasonable. He sounds like a prize turd.

It's not your problem if he doesn't have anywhere to sleep. Perhaps he should have been arranging that rather than going to the pub.

Well, not sure what to say... I know that exH tried to move out as soon as we decided to separate, but even with the best intentions the process of finding a new place, submit references and finally get things approved and get the keys, took no less than 3 weeks.

As much as I agree that he is totally unreasonable in getting the bell ringing for hours in the middle of the night (and I definitvely won't let him in as he should be seriously mad and perhaps not thinking straight), I do think that you need to plan the parting better for your benefit and that of your children.

In the mean time, hugs and don't let him in, at least not until tommorrow when he has calmed down

Well, not sure what to say... I know that exH tried to move out as soon as we decided to separate, but even with the best intentions the process of finding a new place, submit references and finally get things approved and get the keys, took no less than 3 weeks.

As much as I agree that he is totally unreasonable in getting the bell ringing for hours in the middle of the night (and I definitvely won't let him in as he should be seriously mad and perhaps not thinking straight), I do think that you need to plan the parting better for your benefit and that of your children.

In the mean time, hugs and don't let him in, at least not until tommorrow when he has calmed down

Well, not sure what to say... I know that exH tried to move out as soon as we decided to separate, but even with the best intentions the process of finding a new place, submit references and finally get things approved and get the keys, took no less than 3 weeks.

As much as I agree that he is totally unreasonable in getting the bell ringing for hours in the middle of the night (and I definitvely won't let him in as he should be seriously mad and perhaps not thinking straight), I do think that you need to plan the parting better for your benefit and that of your children.

In the mean time, hugs and don't let him in, at least not until tommorrow when he has calmed down

Well he moved out briefly before, and stayed at his uncle's house, but gradually kept just turning up here more and more til I found out he'd yold his uncle he didn't need the room anymore. He said his uncle told him they'd been decorating and he couldn't have the room back before the weekend, so assumed that was fine. He never said it was still impossible to go there, he has just avoided the subject, presumably hoping I won't force his hand.

He's sent me a text saying he was going to stay with a frend but couldn't as had to take dd to his mum's in morning to give me a break!!! See, he's allowed to make all decisions, I'm not.

I am pleased to hear you called the police splishsplosh. You do not need this now.

You can't fix his behaviour. You have to make mature decisions for you, dd and your baby. He will have to start to do the same without being his mother or let you get on with it.

It is time for him to lead, follow or get out of the way.

Hope the call to the police is the kick in the bum he needs to pull his life together.

he sounds very very manipulative. telling one set of lies to you and another to his uncle to get his way.

let him take dd to his mum's today. it will give you the time to catch up on the sleep you have missed. but do not let it be used as a pathetic way of wriggling his way back into the front door. It is time to start to develop a long term plan for a clean break.
I don't know much about doing that. Housing assistance, et al if you need it but lots on MN will help you with that.

you deserve it. He needs to be on his own to grow up so that he can be the father he has to be to your dcs. Allowing him to get his way eventually, every time does not give him the chance to do this.

He might have a right to be there if you own or rent the place jointly or you are married. If not then you can ask him to leave, certainly and he should be dealing with the issues not ringing the bell at night.

God, totally reasonable. I would have done exactly the same - in fact I did, when my last bloke was being a similar shit. I told them not to bother coming out in the end as he had gone, but they kept a record of the incident and now we are no longer together I'm glad I called them, as he continued to be a prick, and I was also pregnant, and now if he did decide to go to court for access etc, I would have that police incident in my favour.
He sounds like a selfish, immature loony, and you are right to be splitting up with him. Act strong and above it all, and he will eventually get the message and probably leave you alone. Men like this need to be with someone who bows down to them, if you refuse to and laugh at him, he will go and find someone who will.

Please don't listen to his requests to start over. He'll give up after a while with any luck. What a dickhead

Hope you are OK this morning.

BTW it is abusive too. Womensaid has a good site, have a read, they are there to help women like us. xx

what hapened when the police came?
did they take him into custody?
hope you are ok xxx

They never came in the end, just rang me at 7.30 to see if there was any other trouble, or just incessant doorbell ringing, and cancelled the incident.

He continued to ring the doorbell all night. At about 4 he asked to come in to get his stuff and some money - I said if he told me where it was, I'd get it for him, but this wasn't good enough for him. I think he stopped between 5,30 and 6.15, when I let him in to get his things, and he went straight upstairs and went to sleep. He's just got up to take dd out.

He says he can't believe the way I behaved, says I am like a fishwife, his mum will think I am mad and wrong, as he's rung her bell in the night before, and she wouldn't have called the police, says I am ruining him, I'm a liability etc etc.

It's all my fault - I shouldn't have turned off my phone - I should have been a mature adult, and answered him at 1am, I should have just let him in at 1.30, because why should he come back here by 10, he's a grown man, not a child. I shouldn't have taken his key, so I created the problem. Etc etc etc.

How can he always end up making me feel guilty? Do you think he honestly thinks he is totally right, and I am totally wrong??? There are so many things about his behaviour that no one in the world would believe he's the decent man he seems to think he is, yes he constantly turns it all back on me.

Sometimes I feel like he's going to drive me mad

I can't believe he did that I think that shows that he cannot be trusted in your house whatever the circumstances. Is the house in his name too? If not then bag his stuff up and have it ready on the front lawn by x time and tell him to collect it. What he does after that is his problem. Don't ever let him cross the threshold and don't worry about what the rest of the world thinks of him or you.

Why did you let him in? There was no reason for him to come in!

You should have rung the police back, and told them he was frightening you and the children!

Cut the contact if you have broken up!

Oh and, comparing you with him mum is a sure fire way of making you want to fuck him again

You're not his mum. You owe him NOTHING.

So is he going to move out now? You need to sort out what he is going to do and how he will have access to the children etc.

My dad was like this with my mum. She waited until he was at work and changed all the locks, then chucked his stuff out the window to him when he came home. Eventually she got an injunction out against him (police weren't interested in the incessant doorbell ringing and shouting up at the window etc). I'm not suggesting you do this, but I do think you will have to get smart and work out what your next plan of action is going to be, because he obviously isn't going anywhere. (Maybe he can go to his beloved mum's if he is so concerned about what she thinks?)

Well at least now he seems to actually be serious about leaving. He cannot believe I called the police, and now thinks I am such a hateful, awful, betraying person that he must leave, rather than stay with such an evil woman.

I find it so hard to just let him rant, I end up defending myself, but his view of things is so warped, it's pointless.

He honestly seems to see himself as the wronged man.

He's admitted he can't go back to his uncle (probably cos he was unreliable with the rent as he prefers to spend his money on other things) but said whatever he had to.

Now he is ringing me continuously. He brought dd back once as said his mum's not having her now (maybe he told her how awful I am) dd was upset as looking forward to seeing her gran. Then he said she was taking dd, and took her out again.

Now he's rung to say he's bringing her back as he's pissed off at me. And he says I'm the immature one.

Can't wait for him to go.

We only just bought the house. It's in my name because of credit scores, but I can't pay the mortgage other than with some savings, he was going to pay it. So guess I'll have to sell it quick. But it'll be worth it in the end because I'll be free one day, I hope

When he arrives with your daughter, take her inside, without making eye contact or uttering a word, shut and lock the door behind you, and if he hangs around just ignore him. Wait until he riles himself up to the point where he spouts a threat, then call the police and get them to take him away.

What an utter arsehole! I hope you've got family/friend support going on to help you cope, you're absolutely doing the right thing, he sounds like a smug controlling little tosser who's been doing his best to erode your confidence and make you feel small and lowly. Show him just how strong you obviously are.

Incidentally, his mum sounds like a knob too if she'd upset her own granddaughter to get at you, so her opinion no longer matters.

Maybe I'm just feeble, but I don't want to involve the police. I didn't want to last night either, because it's just made things more bitter, and we're parents after all.

But I realised I can't just let him walk over me, behave however he wants and criticise me if I don't like it and say so.

His biggest criticism is I argue and shout at him in front of dd, and it's true, and I hate that I do it, but I'm so frustrated that things never change. I do find it hard to deal with the anger I feel towards him.

Being faced constantly with his major issues that are intolerable, plus other annoying/upsetting/inappropriate things like never getting up in the morning, making me responsible for getting him up for work, not picking his pants off the floor, lying, spending lots of money, advertising for women on the internet, talking, emailing, texting & even meeting them.... sorry if I struggle to contain my anger, but I think that maybe it doesn't mean I'm a crazy lady with huge anger issues, just someone who has been treated pretty shabbily over the last 3 years and has like an idiot put up with it.

Apparently he hasn't told his mum, because "he thinks ahead" and she wouldn't want to help me out with dd if she knew how awful I am.

Nothing to do with the fact that if she heard both sides of the story, maybe she'd be a little less understanding of her son???? Just a thought, but one he denies.

He's just called to demand I go off and meet him somewhere so we can talk. Apparently I am scum in his eyes

He is obsessive. Is ringing and ringing and ringing. Just wants to rant on how I'm to blame, and I end up ranting back.

Colditz

Sometimes people have to have a few false starts before they gather up enough resolve.

I don't wear glasses but I felt the post called for them.

Oh but Bree I've been here. I am not saying you are feeble, OP, not by a long shot, but just that I know from experience that negotiations with men who are determined to do as they please do not work.

They'll promise you the moon on a stick - tomorrow.

And if you don't want the moon on a stick tomorrow, just decent behavior today, that means you're an unreasonable bad tempered controlling whore who's just a complete bitch and trying to break the family up and make him look bad and nobody else thinks he's doing anything wrong etc etc etc and it just goes on and on.....

And if i had only managed to ride it out, if I'd onlybmanaged to cut the contact and not give in after 8 hours of of living under seige (as you were last night) he would have given up a lot sooner.

You are going to find it tough to make him give up -he has had 3 years of doing as he pleases and it's so tempting (especially when pregnant) to give in for a quiet life, but I would strongly advise you not to.

Listen to Colditz, she knows what she is talking about.

Are you married to him or just living together? If you are married then even if he moves out you may be able to claim payments from him to help you pay the mortgage. Even if you aren't you should get support for the child.