asked partner to move out by today, he chose to go to pub, came back 01:30 been ringing doorbell ever since

[splishsplosh]

I've finally had enough of the way my partner behaves, and treats me. In the week I explained I was no longer willing to have him here, he said he couldn't move out til the weekend. It was obvious he didn't want to, avoiding the subject etc, and previously he has refused to go, telling me I am selfish or spoilt etc for making such a decision, basically undermining my right to decide.

Today he said he was coming out to meet me on the way back from the shops - when I got home I called him, he said he must have missed me, and would come back. An hour later called him, he was obviously in the pub.

I said the only reason I'd let him in was if he came back before dd's bedtime, to say good night to her. If not, told him he could come round by 10pm & I would give him any of his things he needed, alternatively he could tell me what he needed and I would leave it out for him.

Instead he started ringing my phone continuously at 1am - turned them off. About half an hour later he turned up, started ringing doorbell continuously. Went on til 3 (I gnored him) - stopped for half hour, then started again - at 4, went downstairs and told him I'd call the police if he touched the doorbell again. He said go ahead, and where did I expect him to go.

But I feel like I gave him plenty of opportunities to arrange somewhere to go. Instead he thinks he can just wake me in the middle of the night, bully me into letting him have his way, show me no respect, not care if he wakes our dd.

So I've called the police - it's something I wanted to avoid, but I am so furious that he thinks he can behave any way he wants and I have to put up with it, give in to him etc.

That's reasonable isn't it????

I find myself thinking I've made things worse between us. I'm pg too, and think things will just deteriorate further, but I can't keep on letting myself be treated anyway he wants to. Can't sleep, so I came here to vent a bit

turn off your phone.

you

are

not

his

mother.

He never grew up because she never gave him the kicks up his arse that he needed years ago and her being pissed at you shows that she is still playing that game.

You don't need to wake him up in the morning to get him to work, pick up after him, take the blame for his faults.

It is time he goes back to home to momma. BTW, why doesn't he move back in with her again? Is it maybe because she is glad she is now someone else's baby?

He is emotionally abusing you. Of course you feel like feeble sometimes and end up defending yourself against his rants. People like this eat away at your morale in a drip drip drip fashion. It takes a long time to realise that you have been accomodating their immaturity and abuse.

You did the right thing calling the police. The first time i did something like this (sister's boyfriend, drunk, banging at our front door, he knew our mum was away.) I also called the police. I could not believe I was bringing to police to my house. It just was not the profile of our family.

My mum pleased I phoned the police when she came home. It turns out he had damaged the outer door in the process so I then reported him for damage and then phoned his workplace to let them know that they were going to be picking him up from there later that day.

He was mortified but he never behaved like such an ass again.

splishsplosh, you don't sound crazy at all, you sound rational the fed the fuck up of the way you've been treated. You need to take back control. Turn your phone off, have a cup of tea to calm your nerves, and decide what you need to do. He is not in control of you any more and he doesn't like it, that's why you're scum in his eyes! He's a twat, who says that to the mother of his children ffs??

I think you're absolutely right about him not telling his mum because he's afraid you'll tell her your side of the story too- he's a coward and he knows he treats you badly. I'd say you've heard enough of his "talk" - I wouldn't go and meet him just to hear how you're scum and you're wrong etc, he just wants to beat you down and get you back in line. Sod him.

I'd text him and tell him his stuff is outside in binbags and he'd better come get it quick or you're calling the council to collect it.

You won't do this until you really really really want to and no amount of advice will change that.

You'd kicked him out, he had gone. You could of stood your ground and not let him back in, but you did.

I am not having a go, infact what I am saying is, don't beat yourself up about the fact that you backed down. It happens, and might happen again before you truely know in your heart and your head that you don't want him back.

Oh, one thing though. Whislt he is being such a tosser, i'd not be letting him take dd in and out every five minutes.

Colditz I can tell you've been there. He's certainly Tomorrow Man, and I am the totally unreasonable mad lady.

Thanks everyone, I need to hear it, because it's so easy to waver, and wonder if he has a point after all.

He's started to talk more reasonably, and acknowledge I have some fair points (though he is struggling to give up the idea that ultimately i should still put up with it).

But that's the danger point too, because that's how it's lasted so long - I get to the end of my tether, he realises, acts nice and conciliatory for a while, my anger eases, i think maybe things will be OK after all.. then back we go into the cycle.

This time he's forgotten to be nice for a few weeks, I went to a counselling assessment session hoping to deal with why i'm letting myself be treated like this, and learn to deal with my stress and anger better - and it's made me feel just a bit stronger.

At least he's talking about staying in a hotel or something. I just need a break now!

Spishsplosh you have to let go of the idea that he will eventually see your point of view. If he was going to see your point of view and stop being a twunt, he'd have done so long ago.

he faces losing the stability that enables his erratic lifestyle choices - you. You are providing that stable base from which to fuck about without consequences.

he KNOWS that if he loses you, and his mother won't take him back, he's going to have to look after himself. He cannot control the situation, so he will attempt to control you instead. He will try to crush your objections and insist you are 'mad', unreasonable, cruel and (and this is a good needly one many controlling men use) that you are stopping your daughter seeing her daddy.

Where do you want to be this time next year? Do you want to be single? Still with him?

you have identified the cycle. it takes courage to break it cleanly and once and for all.

my roommate's boyfriend was like this. she went through the cycle many times, not breaking it for years. it brought our friendship to a real edge when he tried to talk to me in the same manner he did to her and I jumped down his throat. She jumped to his defence!

Funnily, after I put him in his place, he was so sickeningly sweet to me, I could almost barf.

You're right.
I met him briefly, and it was just him saying he should stay here. When I said I'd have to go then, he said, fine as long as you leave dd and new baby. Like that would ever ever happen.
Sighed at me having made plans for the rest of the weekend which didn't include him - but as usual he wants to be involved just as much as he chooses, at the moments when he chooses.
I just walked off in the end. There's no point talking to him.
And his mum probably would have him, but his step dad won't, so he'd have to stand on his own two feet - something he did in the past, but obviously doesn't want to return to.

You know you can't negotiate with a person like this. You have to decide what you want to do and then just do it. It doesn't matter what his/his mother's/anyone's opinion on it is, you just need to do it. By entering into discussion about what you are doing you are giving him an opportunity to disagree and tell you why you are wrong. Why should you listen to it? If you want him out of your house then just get on and organise it for yourself. Stuff what he thinks.

It is really obvious that he has brainwashed you into thinking he is a sane individual with a sensible point of view. He plainly isn't and the more you step away from this relationship the more you will realise that. The world will be a much better place for you when he is gone and you start to not care about his stupid opinion on you and your life

I haven't read all the posts, so sorry if this is wrong.

BUT- is this a shared house? Do you both pay the mortgage or rent? If so, what right do you have to lock a man out of his house- and expect the police to back you up? Whether he is paying towards it or not, it is his home until he finds a new one and you were wrong to lock him out. Is that mature, adult behaviour?

Haven't the police got more importan t things to deal with than domestic disputes not involving violence?

I'm sorry and I know lots of peeps will disagree, but i think you were out of order- you both need to grow p and sort this out properly. Not at 1 am.

HLS: anyone who rings the doorbell incessantly at 1am, drunk, while a pg woman and a small child are home alone is intimidating them. He needed a police cell to sober up and come back in the morning.

have you heard of emotional abuse? no physical violence needs be involved.

no, the police do not have 'better things to do'. they are to respond to calls. if they think she is wasting police time, it is the police who will determine that, and let her know.

you are so out of order!

now go back and read splishsplosh's posts properly before you get back on your soapbox.

anyone who allows her partner to ring her door bell constantly at that time of day- presumably annoying the neighbours trying to sleep- needs help too. The police did think she was wasting their time- that's why they didn't come! If I was a neighbour listening to it, I'd have called the police myself for disturbing the peace!

I simply don't know how you can defend such behaviour.

hls your attitude is reprehensible. Why don't you try reading the whole thread before jumping in with such ignorant comments.

hls - I have read and probably written some nonsense on Mumsnet since I have been posting but you just take the cake. You sound like a pretty toxic person actually. This is a pregnant woman who has been treated really badly both past and presently by her partner. She is finally trying to take a stand and get some control of a situation that he has been controlling. Pretty sure that if I was her the last thing on my mind would be the farkin neighbours.

I simply don't know how you can talk such crap.

splishsplosh - It seems you are my life double because your partner sounds just like my H. I don t really know what to say to you because I haven't managed to find a way to deal with my own situation. I hope you are feeling ok.

splishsplosh if the house is in your name then the police should make him leave, and pack a bag and make it quite clear to him that it would be very unwise for him to try and get back in until everything is sorted out.

Thats how it worked with my DP. Its my house (purchased before we met and he is in piles of debt). The police were very good and calm and drove him to a friends house. I think they spoke to him sternly as he didn't try and come back.

Your partner sounds a bit like mine could be. Constant phone calls etc. I wish I could get mine to have a word with yours, might make something sink in a bit. Mine is better now, the shock of what happened make him buck his ideas up. He's not perfect mind you, but improving.

hls very sensitive

HLS: more ignorant claptrap from you. You know nothing of the police if you think that they didn't come because they didn't think it was worthwhile.

you really need to shut up. just because you don't know how we can defend her behaviour doesn't make you right. look around and learn a little instead.

Hls, what is wrong with you? Obviously you have never been subject to threatening, even subtly threatening, behaviour from an abusive man.
You sound extremely ignorant. Please don't judge other women until you have walked in their shoes. What you are saying is offensive and ridiculous.

The man needs to grow up but the OP has done nothing wrong whatsoever.

I hope you are feeling Ok today, splish x

And fwiw it is terrifying to have a man harrass you like that, whether he is violent or not, I for one have spent a few nights shaking and waiting for the door to be bashed and thumped again while my children are asleep upstairs - and then sat awake till morning, with the phone in my hand, with no idea if the person was still out there. You can think you know someone and invest your trust in them only to have that come back at you full pelt when they realise they are in a position of power.
It is awful to find the person you are meant to run to is someone you must run from

We don't nkow the full facts but every week women in the UK wrongly exclude men from their own homes, homes men own, homes where they live with children and they make up abuse and get court orders to exclude the man. The result is that when it comes to contact decisions later on a divorce the man is no longer in daily contact with the child so the order is that the father sees teh child once a fortnight or once a week not every day. It is sadly a system which is hugely abused by many women. That does not mean this poster is abusing it nor has she even taken out a non molestation order but sadly those dreadful women who so do that (it's a known tactic in divorce to help you get children and house as a woman) tar the others who genuinely use the method with the same brush.

We lived together for 7 months whilst divorcing. I woudl much rather he had left but I wasn't prepared to use the law in that kind of way, even given mild physical abuse because I felt it was morally wrong and I could cope with the emotionally and physical abuse in the mean time which not everyone can. He left when the money was transferred to him and the house transfer etc was all finalised, decree absolute etc. not surprisingly his lawyer's advice was not to leave until that point either.

Thanks for your support - I don't sem to be any nearer to solving things, as e just tells me it's better if we stay together.

fwiw, he is supposed to be starting to pay the mortgage shortly, but hasn't made any payments yet, and I would rather he left, and I managed somehow, than him think that means we have to stay together.

I have asked him to leave before, when the house was nothing to do with him at all, but he always knew better.

I would never deny him access to his dd / new baby without very good reason, personally I think it's more likely that he would find it difficult to stick to arrangements to see her, as when he left briefly, he was usually late to see her, or expected me to take her out to meet him somewhere convenient (for him) to save him some time and effort. DD loves her dad, and I wouldn't deny her the right to have a relationship with him.

And I didn't call the police lightly. I just want to be free of him, and I don't seem to be able to achieve this, and in fact he seems to have convinced me to buy the house in my name, making it more difficult for me to leave him - I have to take responsibility for trapping myself here, making decisions I know are stupid, just because I haven't been able to stop thinking things could get better / be ok. I would have been pretty baffled by someone staying in this situation in the past - I find it baffling now. Sometimes I feel like I'm a puppet with no say in my life anymore.

Look what he has achieved, he has you just where he wants you.
You need to get angry, and bloody fast before you make any more self-destructive decisions...you're talking as though you have no feelings, no control over your life. Who exactly is forcing you to be with this man? Nobody, and no one would expect you to...of all the people in the world, nobody has to date him!!!!!

Once you access your anger, you will find it simple to be rid - I was the same, but once I actually allowed myself to feel really cross about what he had done rather than accepting it all, I was quite capable of laughing at his attempts to control me, and thus he left us alone (I was pg too)

I had the support of my mother to tell me that I wasn't imagining it and yes, he was being a shit.
Men like this can really make you feel like you are in the wrong. Turn it around - if you were treating him like this would you expect him to put up with it? No, because you wouldn't do it in the first place - he has well developed techniques to make you feel it is your afult, and it is working.
Easier to leave it as it is and avoid realising you're being had, but the anger inside you will get harder to ignore and bigger all the time, and therefore harder to face. I often think that is the hardest thing about leaving - we have to then face our own anger against what has been done to us, which hurts and feels scary like it will never stop, we might feel like killing the perpetrator, etc etc. which makes a lot of us just keep pretending it's all Ok.
It's not, and you need to stand up for you and your daughter and get yourselves out of the relationship. It's shitty and you don't deserve or need to be stuck in it. Get out while it's still thinkable. The anger will stop. Just do it now. Don't take one more day of shit from this creep x

Also I think you might be pleasantly surprised at just how easily he drops you and DD, once you have made it clear you won't be controlled/bullied any longer. You might just find he has no interest in either of you any more.
That would be sad, but actually a GOOD THING.

Men who control women need a willing servant, and if you stop being this, he will move on...trust me...don't let him see even a chink of weakness. Know in your mind that you won't put up with the crap any more, and inwardly laugh at him, and he will sense this and take to the hills. Hooray.

I do get angry, then he says, oh you're such an angry woman, you're always angry, you've got anger issues, you need to sort yourself out. And I'm left wavering between - am I unreasonable? and: no, I think everyone would be angry at his behaviour.

He always wants to talk about things later, and then starts bombarding me with niceness.

Logically I can see it all so clearly, but it feels a bit like being in a swamp.

I sleep in a different room from him, every now and again he just comes in to my bed wanting a cuddle - I don't want him there, he knows this, yet he did this last night, and when I say go away, he tells me what a horrible woman I am.

splish, i think that you will need a long term plan to make a permanent separation feasible. Is your bank acct separate from his? Ie, do you have evidence that so far it has been just you paying the mortgage?

I know next to nothing about this sort of thing so I would suggest posting on the Legal advice and lone parents boards to ask for information on how to disentangle. Things like where to look for legal advice on finance, housing benefits, his financial support for both children, separation....

Taking formal steps like this will scare the shit out of dp and it will probably mean that he will get nasty/emotionally abusive alternating with conciliatory and helpful. I think you have seen he hasn't improved with time and it is a pattern that will keep repeating itself if you don't start to make long term steps to make the break. It can easily take 2 or 3 months to feel like you have made significant progress but the liberation you will feel will be priceless. That it was so hard for you to call the police the other night but you still did it seems like the first step that shows you want permanent change.

When I say angry, I mean angry in your head. Get angry but don't be angry, iyswim - he will perceive this as weakness and an opportunity to blame you for being 'unreasonable'.

Get angry in your own mind and then be really, really nice and calm and firm about breaking up.

Let him know that you are strong. Never show him how you feel inside as this is none of his business, and will do no good - he doesn't need to know that or have a right to either.

Boundaries, woman - build some walls! And don't let him in!!!