Friends not responging to calls or texts when they have problems in their personal lives

[DreamyRedNewt]

I am not sure the title describes the situation well. I have a couple of friends, they are sisters. We are friends since we were kids, we don't see each other a lot as we live in different countries but have a whatsapp group where we chat (not daily though) and I always see them when I go to my home country, where they live. It is the type of friendship where even if you don't see each other a lot, it feels like we are the same as always, it flows very easily. I also know that apart from me and two other friends from when we were kids, they don't have any other friends.

There is a situation that baffles me and I wanted opinions on how to handle this. Also if someone has known someone like this. What is more baffling is that both of them behave the same, because I consider their behaviour quite extreme. In short, when something goes wrong in their lives, they dissapear and don't say anything or respond to texts or calls. Examples:

• Many years ago, we were living in different cities and we would send each other letters frequently. One day, their letters stopped. I was so worried they were angry at anything I had said, I couldn't understand the lack of communication. It turns out that their dog had died in tragic circumstances and I loved their dog, so they stopped writing to me so they didn't have to tell me.

• One of them separated from her DH over a year ago and were not living together anymore. Despite me being with her and in their house, she didn't tell me anything. I actually remember asking her where he was and she said he was travelling for work (he normally travels for work, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me)

• After 2/3 months of not writing on the whatsapp group, another of our friends asked her privately if anything was wrong and she then sent a message to everyone explaining one of her sons had been diagnosed with a very serious illness several months before.

• I was in my home country for Christmas and we had exchanged whatsapps to meet after New Years Eve. Everything was ok until the 29th. After this date, I sent whatsapps three separate dates as we hadn't agreed on a date/time yet and no response. Whatsapps were sent to her sister too and also a phone call that she didn't take, but finally responded with something that seemed like an excuse.

My last message was along the lines 'as I have texted you in three different occassions and there is no response, I assume you cannot meet in the end. I am a bit worried, I hope all is well xx'. Nothing.

• Another two friends have also been in touch and no response. We are now the three of us very worried that something must be really wrong.

I don't know what to do. If they don't want to talk, I guess it is rude to be insisting, but feels unnatural. Any advice? I am also worried about this behaviour as it feels so unhealthy!

You can't force people to talk. Some people shut down when they're upset and traumatised.

Some people just pull the shutters down when they are not coping. They find that socialising takes energy and when times are good they have heaps of energy and when times are bad they have none. On top of that, some people were brought up in households where they were neglected and expected to struggle through alone, so reaching out for help isn’t a thing for them.

No advice but I’m a person like your friends who vanishes at times and my friends just know to wait it out. During times of stress weeks and months can feel like days

I'm like it even with my closest friends.
I seriously don't want to put my downers on them.
If we're socialising I'll tell them when they ask that such and such happened but I very rarely ask for support.
I suppose people need to work things out for themselves sometimes.

Just let them.

You know what they’re like. That’s what they need to do, so be a friend and let them.

In the meantime, busy yourself. Find other friends to spend time with, if necessary.

When times are hard some people seek space and limit communication.

I'm like this, too. PPs have nailed it with the being expected to cope as a child; I'm not sure I know how to say "Help" unless I'm asking for a very specific piece of advice. As is usual in families like this, I was also raised with "If you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything". I have ongoing health issues now and, since they're pretty pervasive in my life but I will not be a whiner, the net result is that I don't talk to people I would quite like to stay in touch with.

I do appreciate the very light-touch, infrequent messages that some of my friends send to say hello. Do that?

Communication is basic in any relationship whether that be friendship or romantic. Are they actually good friends to you? In my experience people who shut down like this will also shut down and avoid you if something happens to you!

if you want to understand more about it look into attachment styles. They sound like avoidants.

I personally would never continue a friendship like this. Why should you suffer and be anxious because they refuse to communicate with you? It would be one thing if it had happened once but quite another since it is clearly a pattern of behaviour. They will never change if there are never any consequences for that kind of maladaptive behaviour.

Terrible things happen to everyone and most people don't ghost their friends everytime.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like you who can’t understand that some people have different coping mechanisms and trauma responses than others.

I'm like this and I think it stems from my mother not caring or wanting to hear about my problems as a child. I just shut down and isolate myself when something is going on and find communication too exhausting and don't truly believe anybody would care enough if I asked for support. I understand that it must be hard as a friend, but they're probably not going to change, so you'll either have to try to understand their perspective and accept the way they are, or cut ties if you truly can't deal with it

It’s a bit rude if you were expecting to meet up.
Surely just a ‘can’t make the meet up. Will be in touch later.’ Is the least any friend would do.

@OzCalling can I ask, would you explain this to anyone or just expect them to cope with long silences by making a guess on the cause and you'd explain later?

@Garlicnorth do you reply to the light touch messages?

Yeah, I kind of agree with this to some extent.

I have a friend very much like this. Just shuts down. To be honest she does it in normal times if she doesn’t want to say yes to something, she’ll just give radio silence instead of just saying “no, don’t fancy it” and which would be completely fine. It’s only because she’s a childhood friend that we let her get away with it to be honest.

She suffered some difficult times recently, she did tell us but then just completely shut down and wouldn’t engage despite offers of support/visits/just a welfare check. We just let her get on with it, we knew through other ways she was ok and then one day she started randomly messaging about a tv programme and everything was back to normal.

On the one hand, I get the “everyone copes differently” response but on the other hand, bar an absolutely tragedy/acute trauma I think it is still rude to not even send a message to a lifelong friend to say “I’m not up to it” rather than just leaving them hanging having to work out whether they still have plans.

. If you know this is how your friends respond to trauma why would you make it all about you?

Surely you give them space and are there when they feel able to talk?

Sometimes when people are struggling they shut down, I do to an extent, but I do it particularly with people who try and force me to talk about things, give advice or make it all about them. When everything is fine, I am OK with that and like their chattiness but if I’m struggling it’s too much. Nothing to do with attachment, everything to do with mental load and not being able to manage someone else’s response alongside my own.

I do agree with this though

So many references to "trauma"

wondering how most people would define/categorise this.

An experience which is very distressing. There is no defining list of what constitutes a traumatic experience because it will be different for everyone, some might describe having to have cancer tests traumatic, some wouldn’t, some would describe the illness or loss of a pet as traumatic, others wouldn’t.

Wasn't referring to my friends or making it about myself not sure where on earth you got that from. I have many great friendships and none of them are like this. Even if my friends shut down they still communicate and wouldn't leave me worrying.

The OPs friends don't communicate with her at all, they aren't just taking space and taking a while to respond. She has communicated her anxiety/worry to them on multiple occasions and yet still nothing that is what I was referring to. It takes seconds to respond and say you aren't OK and will get back to someone when you can.

Zero interest in entering into a debate about this and i wont respond again.

People with difficult childhoods don't get a pass for shitty behaviour as adults. Pretty sure that's why the OPs friends have so few friends...

Again, you’re making lots of assumptions / judgements. You don’t know anything about these people, certainly not enough to be diagnosing them with anything. You don’t want to be friends with people who respond to difficult stuff in their life like this and that’s fine, you don’t have to. Equally they don’t have to prioritise you and your feelings if they’re struggling themselves.

I am like this. I don't see it as "shitty behaviour". If I'm going through something, I don't want to discuss it. I don't want advice or support and I don't want to share it. If my friends were going to decide they were anxious every time I have a problem, they would not be my friends, I don't want my drama turned into their crisis. I have lots of friends who know exactly what I'm like and they just let me get on with it. If they don't want to do that, they can end the friendship, that's their choice.

Lots of people saying it's how some people cope and commenting negatively on OP.

Does no one think the friends behaviour is just downright rude? We've all got challenges.

We’ve all got challenges and we all deal with said challenges differently. I really don’t see how that’s so hard grasp.

I hate responding to calls and texts when I'm feeling shit or I'm anxious, it might seem stupid to most people but I just need time to not have to talk, when I'm working all day and looking after a child as well I really don't feel like sitting messaging and calling friends in the evening for example, if I am going through a really rough period I can go quiet for a few weeks in terms of phone activity.

I think what’s being referred to as “shitty behaviour” is the bit where they arranged to spend NY with someone and then refused to respond to messages leaving their friend worried and unable to make other plans.