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Original poster

Friends not responging to calls or texts when they have problems in their personal lives

69 replies

DreamyRedNewt · 07/01/2025 17:44

I am not sure the title describes the situation well. I have a couple of friends, they are sisters. We are friends since we were kids, we don't see each other a lot as we live in different countries but have a whatsapp group where we chat (not daily though) and I always see them when I go to my home country, where they live. It is the type of friendship where even if you don't see each other a lot, it feels like we are the same as always, it flows very easily. I also know that apart from me and two other friends from when we were kids, they don't have any other friends.

There is a situation that baffles me and I wanted opinions on how to handle this. Also if someone has known someone like this. What is more baffling is that both of them behave the same, because I consider their behaviour quite extreme. In short, when something goes wrong in their lives, they dissapear and don't say anything or respond to texts or calls. Examples:

  • Many years ago, we were living in different cities and we would send each other letters frequently. One day, their letters stopped. I was so worried they were angry at anything I had said, I couldn't understand the lack of communication. It turns out that their dog had died in tragic circumstances and I loved their dog, so they stopped writing to me so they didn't have to tell me.
  • One of them separated from her DH over a year ago and were not living together anymore. Despite me being with her and in their house, she didn't tell me anything. I actually remember asking her where he was and she said he was travelling for work (he normally travels for work, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me)
  • After 2/3 months of not writing on the whatsapp group, another of our friends asked her privately if anything was wrong and she then sent a message to everyone explaining one of her sons had been diagnosed with a very serious illness several months before.
  • I was in my home country for Christmas and we had exchanged whatsapps to meet after New Years Eve. Everything was ok until the 29th. After this date, I sent whatsapps three separate dates as we hadn't agreed on a date/time yet and no response. Whatsapps were sent to her sister too and also a phone call that she didn't take, but finally responded with something that seemed like an excuse.
My last message was along the lines 'as I have texted you in three different occassions and there is no response, I assume you cannot meet in the end. I am a bit worried, I hope all is well xx'. Nothing.
  • Another two friends have also been in touch and no response. We are now the three of us very worried that something must be really wrong.

I don't know what to do. If they don't want to talk, I guess it is rude to be insisting, but feels unnatural. Any advice? I am also worried about this behaviour as it feels so unhealthy!

OP posts:
deliveredbyme · 08/01/2025 07:06

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winter8090 · 08/01/2025 07:07

Ozcalling

I get that - we can all deal with our challenges differently and as we wish.

But shouldn't we at least maintain a decent level of courtesy for others?

Blanking friends, ignoring messages and not following through on meetings with no cancellation isn't ok.

BananaSpanner · 08/01/2025 07:08

OzCalling · 08/01/2025 06:59

We’ve all got challenges and we all deal with said challenges differently. I really don’t see how that’s so hard grasp.

Show quote history

Not wanting to engage or talk about your problems during times of crisis-not rude.
Completely blanking a close friend asking whether existing plans are still in place-rude.

There are two different things being discussed. One relates to the ability/desire to talk about your problems. The other to send a message of factual information not related to your problems that doesn’t leave a good friend in limbo.

Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 08:53

Happyinarcon · 08/01/2025 02:00

Some people just pull the shutters down when they are not coping. They find that socialising takes energy and when times are good they have heaps of energy and when times are bad they have none. On top of that, some people were brought up in households where they were neglected and expected to struggle through alone, so reaching out for help isn’t a thing for them.

No advice but I’m a person like your friends who vanishes at times and my friends just know to wait it out. During times of stress weeks and months can feel like days

I get that and I would not expect them to socialise if they don't feel like it ,no issues with that at all. I would expect a short text saying something along the lines of ' something has happenned and I don't feel in the mood to meet as we had planned' though, specially when one of them was suppossed to come back to me with a date that worked for her.

I can also understand not to talk inmediately after bad happened but when she separated, she didn't tell us for a whole year. Would you do that too?? Because for me it is so difficult to understand...The separation was not too traumatic either in the sense that she was the one who wanted to separate and it was over differences in the way they view finances, thier kids are not very young anymore so no custody issues, she has a secure job and earning more than him. He actually wanted to come back and she didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 08:55

Happyinarcon · 08/01/2025 02:00

Some people just pull the shutters down when they are not coping. They find that socialising takes energy and when times are good they have heaps of energy and when times are bad they have none. On top of that, some people were brought up in households where they were neglected and expected to struggle through alone, so reaching out for help isn’t a thing for them.

No advice but I’m a person like your friends who vanishes at times and my friends just know to wait it out. During times of stress weeks and months can feel like days

Wouldn't you tell a friend that you are separated after months of it happenning and pretend it is still all normal? I was at their house, asked for her husband and she said away working. This was months after.

OP posts:
Rachmorr57 · 08/01/2025 08:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 09:08

LunaNorth · 08/01/2025 03:58

Just let them.

You know what they’re like. That’s what they need to do, so be a friend and let them.

In the meantime, busy yourself. Find other friends to spend time with, if necessary.

I am letting them, but finding it difficult.
Because I know that something bad is happenning and considering the illness of one of her sons, I fear it has taken a turn for the worse. I also worry about them both because I think this complete shut down is bad psycologically.

I am busy with other friens and actually back in the UK, so this is not about me not having people to socialise with, it is about them and I and two other friends are very worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 09:17

BrunetteBarbie94 · 08/01/2025 04:45

Communication is basic in any relationship whether that be friendship or romantic. Are they actually good friends to you? In my experience people who shut down like this will also shut down and avoid you if something happens to you!

if you want to understand more about it look into attachment styles. They sound like avoidants.

I personally would never continue a friendship like this. Why should you suffer and be anxious because they refuse to communicate with you? It would be one thing if it had happened once but quite another since it is clearly a pattern of behaviour. They will never change if there are never any consequences for that kind of maladaptive behaviour.

Terrible things happen to everyone and most people don't ghost their friends everytime.

I actually don't think they would the same to me, no.

I also don't feel like ending the friendship, as we have been friends for life, but this gets me thinking and maybe I need to detach myself a bit more

OP posts:
KARLLargerfield · 08/01/2025 09:18

it doesn't take much to say 'im fine just going through a tough time' and in the same breath she wasted lying about her ex traveling she could have said we divorced. Her behaviour is what I might do towards someone I hate that I think is a fake friend and just wanting gossip from me.

KARLLargerfield · 08/01/2025 09:22

I also worry about them both because I think this complete shut down is bad psycologically.

You're assuming how they treat you is how they treat everyone else. You're also assuming they are shutting down from everyone and not talking to anyone. They have each other and other people to get support from. The victim is poor you who is sitting worrying about someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to reply back with a text. Why are you so desperately chasing friendship with people who literally don't care about you? Why do you accept so little? Depression and trauma doesn't make you an arsehole this is their choice to ignore you and lie to you. Raise your standards and self esteem.

Cattery · 08/01/2025 09:25

Yes. I’ve got one of these. Disappears when things aren’t going her way. Doesn’t like it much when things are going well for me either. Calls us friends but really we’ve just known each other a long time

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 08/01/2025 09:32

DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 08:55

Wouldn't you tell a friend that you are separated after months of it happenning and pretend it is still all normal? I was at their house, asked for her husband and she said away working. This was months after.

Show quote history

i agree that this is extreme behaviour and don’t think it’s a modern trend or anything like that. These women are probably unable to live with their own distressing feelings, don’t believe it will help to share them and imagine it is fairer to save their friends from the painful stuff. So they cut you off. I don’t think you can do anything to change this while you live so far away and can’t discuss it face to face. Sadly.

stealthbanana · 08/01/2025 09:42

To be honest I would be very worried if a close friend wasn’t telling me they were separated / telling me lies when I was in their house. I would be worried about them, though, rather than fuming or ruminating about the impact on our friendship. My experience with friends who have divorced is that there is often a complicated relationship dynamic that no one had any idea of and it can feel shameful or scary for friends to “admit” what’s really been going on. I think we are so socialised to keep the marital unit tight / not speak ill of husbands that it can feel like betrayal or an admission of failure to admit that all is not well.

personally I would get off group chat and pick up the phone and call them and ask them directly how they were - with compassion and concern rather than as an interrogation.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 08/01/2025 09:49

I agree it’s rude to not turn up to an agreed meeting. Other than that, I really understand their behaviour and have friends like this myself.
i can do this too as I’m quite a private person.
tbh OP, I tend to specifically withdraw from a couple of friends- they’re lovely but can be blunt and tactless. I don’t want to share my difficulties with them because I don’t want their insensitive and intrusive questions .

Dinkiedoo · 08/01/2025 12:32

I have reverse problem . Hear from friends when they have problems when they ok I hardly hear from them . I'm done with it now after many years.

Just leave them be and let them contact you. If you that important to them they will be in touch. Stop running after them .

onwardsup4 · 08/01/2025 12:34

I'm like this even with my sister, and she's the same. If we go quiet, there's something up. No there's no point pushing them just be there when they're ready.

EmeraldRoulette · 08/01/2025 13:01

These threads always go the same way and like one op, I cba engaging so will step away now

@DreamyRedNewt You sound like a lovely person but I don't think it's worth bothering with these particular people.

EmeraldRoulette · 08/01/2025 13:06

*one pp
not op!

Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 13:24

KARLLargerfield · 08/01/2025 09:22

I also worry about them both because I think this complete shut down is bad psycologically.

You're assuming how they treat you is how they treat everyone else. You're also assuming they are shutting down from everyone and not talking to anyone. They have each other and other people to get support from. The victim is poor you who is sitting worrying about someone who doesn't even have the courtesy to reply back with a text. Why are you so desperately chasing friendship with people who literally don't care about you? Why do you accept so little? Depression and trauma doesn't make you an arsehole this is their choice to ignore you and lie to you. Raise your standards and self esteem.

Edited

😂 are you ok? You seem angry.
I should have expected this from Mumsnet, so many angry people in threads lately.

You say I am assuming...I think you are assuming more than me, as you don't know them or me

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 13:26

stealthbanana · 08/01/2025 09:42

To be honest I would be very worried if a close friend wasn’t telling me they were separated / telling me lies when I was in their house. I would be worried about them, though, rather than fuming or ruminating about the impact on our friendship. My experience with friends who have divorced is that there is often a complicated relationship dynamic that no one had any idea of and it can feel shameful or scary for friends to “admit” what’s really been going on. I think we are so socialised to keep the marital unit tight / not speak ill of husbands that it can feel like betrayal or an admission of failure to admit that all is not well.

personally I would get off group chat and pick up the phone and call them and ask them directly how they were - with compassion and concern rather than as an interrogation.

I am not fuming though?

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 13:26

I have also called, but they don't pick up

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyRedNewt · 08/01/2025 13:27

My other friend texted her sister saying she though something was wrong and she respinded sending some pictures of her pets

OP posts:
poemsandwine · 08/01/2025 13:33

OzCalling · 08/01/2025 04:48

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like you who can’t understand that some people have different coping mechanisms and trauma responses than others.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. I pull back. Luckily my friends know that and respect it. People react differently.

saraclara · 08/01/2025 14:50

I withdraw too. But not to the extent of ignoring texts completely, especially if there are practical plans involved such as OP 's agreed arrangement to meet her friends. I'd simply say something like 'life's got a bit complicated recently so I won't be able to make it' for instance.

I certainly wouldn't go so silent and unresponsive that my friends would be worried. That's a really selfish thing to do to your friends, whatever's happening in your life. At least let then know you're alive, and if it's clear that they're worried that they've done something to offend you, again the 'no, don't worry, life's just got tricky recently, but I'll be in touch later'.

There are a lot of people on this thread who expect their friends to respect how they feel and respond to stress, without having some empathy for them in return.

AllTheChaos · 08/01/2025 14:55

My mum sort of does this. Doesn’t close off from people, just won’t tell them what’s happening. Dad didn’t know she was unhappy, or that the marriage was over, till the day she told him and left - all on the same day. Friends didn’t know when she had a bad health issue, until it was all over. I don’t know why she does it but suspect it’s trauma related. She will still talk to people and rwply to messages, just won’t tell them about her problems EVER.