Friends not responging to calls or texts when they have problems in their personal lives

[DreamyRedNewt]

I am not sure the title describes the situation well. I have a couple of friends, they are sisters. We are friends since we were kids, we don't see each other a lot as we live in different countries but have a whatsapp group where we chat (not daily though) and I always see them when I go to my home country, where they live. It is the type of friendship where even if you don't see each other a lot, it feels like we are the same as always, it flows very easily. I also know that apart from me and two other friends from when we were kids, they don't have any other friends.

There is a situation that baffles me and I wanted opinions on how to handle this. Also if someone has known someone like this. What is more baffling is that both of them behave the same, because I consider their behaviour quite extreme. In short, when something goes wrong in their lives, they dissapear and don't say anything or respond to texts or calls. Examples:

• Many years ago, we were living in different cities and we would send each other letters frequently. One day, their letters stopped. I was so worried they were angry at anything I had said, I couldn't understand the lack of communication. It turns out that their dog had died in tragic circumstances and I loved their dog, so they stopped writing to me so they didn't have to tell me.

• One of them separated from her DH over a year ago and were not living together anymore. Despite me being with her and in their house, she didn't tell me anything. I actually remember asking her where he was and she said he was travelling for work (he normally travels for work, so nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me)

• After 2/3 months of not writing on the whatsapp group, another of our friends asked her privately if anything was wrong and she then sent a message to everyone explaining one of her sons had been diagnosed with a very serious illness several months before.

• I was in my home country for Christmas and we had exchanged whatsapps to meet after New Years Eve. Everything was ok until the 29th. After this date, I sent whatsapps three separate dates as we hadn't agreed on a date/time yet and no response. Whatsapps were sent to her sister too and also a phone call that she didn't take, but finally responded with something that seemed like an excuse.

My last message was along the lines 'as I have texted you in three different occassions and there is no response, I assume you cannot meet in the end. I am a bit worried, I hope all is well xx'. Nothing.

• Another two friends have also been in touch and no response. We are now the three of us very worried that something must be really wrong.

I don't know what to do. If they don't want to talk, I guess it is rude to be insisting, but feels unnatural. Any advice? I am also worried about this behaviour as it feels so unhealthy!

I'm like this.

I think for me it stems from my Dad (who was our main care giver as my mum worked very full time in a demanding job) dying of a stroke really suddenly and unexpectedly at 58, I was 21 my brother 18.

Next year, I did a Masters course, met a lovely bunch of new friends, but never told them a word about the grief and loss I was experiencing.

The only way for me to carry on was to just compartmentalise my life entirely as if anyone had been kind and said how sorry they were, I'd have not been able to carry on.

That was now 30 years ago and I still operate like this.

Stiff upper lip and carry on. Don't let on.

As one of my oldest friends said "Yes everything is absolutely fine until it suddenly isn't with you".

Not saying it's a particularly healthy or good model to follow. But I do understand why your friend works like that.

You don't "own rights" to a ring side seat in other people's problems. If they don't want help - or a spectator - then you should accept their right to privacy.

Exactly. My friends text periodically and specify no need to reply. I wouldn't have left someone dangling about a specific planned meeting, though, but I do withdraw when I need to. I tell people, though.

@saraclara
"There are a lot of people on this thread who expect their friends to respect how they feel and respond to stress, without having some empathy for them in return"

I do think I'd still have empathy for the people – for example we all ended up having full-blown flu over Christmas so plans I'd made to have people here for a party all fell apart and of course I texted them all in advance and said I was sorry to have to cancel it, etc – if it had been round their house of course I'd have texted them to say we can't come.

I think a brief Note saying a change to social plans is very different from feeling obligated to share when you are having difficult times. Of course it is just basic politeness to tell people about changed plans - but you don't need to go into full-blown detail about illnesses, etc unless you want the support.

I'd text if a specific meeting was planned to say 'sorry, I'm not in a good place and will have to cancel. Will text when I feel better." For really close friends I'd talk about it more when I was ready. This would be the same for them. No one would push.

PPs are right - people often shut down if something happens. It’s a natural reaction.
However I wonder if it’s something connected with you as well. If your life is very different from those of your friends and if you are quite successful ( or don’t have so many problems as they) they probably don’t feel comfortable sharing problems with you and think that you wont understand. I completely get them on husband example : she was pretending that everything was ok, she didn’t want to tell you about her problems. Maybe not anyone. It’s not easy. And if you are not getting this it tells me that you don’t have many problems or coping ok with them. It’s not a fault of course, but it might make sharing personal issues with you more difficult for some people.

I did what your friend did. I didn’t want to share my problems with my uni friend, I knew she wouldn’t understand, she wouldn’t be able to provide me any practical or moral support and I didn’t want her pity. She didn’t share her problems with me even if she had them by the way. Due to my problems I haven’t got time for ritual communication sitting and talking about old times during my visits back home. So I just stopped responding on txts. It was easier.
My friend is not a bad person, we are different and some of her views I see differently now, let’s say we just grew apart

I've been on the receiving end of this, and although I understand it, it's also hard and can feel hurtful when a friend withdraws and you don't understand why.

I think the only way to make it work is if you can make room for both processes in friendships, but also if you can communicate. It's helpful if someone at least explains they have personal things going on and aren't ready to talk about them yet/need some space/don't feel they can be available or meet up etc. But just being ghosted for months on end is a red line for me, and I have ended friendships because of that behaviour. I found it confusing and hurtful to have someone stop speaking to me then pop up again like it hadn't happened, or worse, suddenly decide that they are ready to talk and want me to be there to offload to or support them after months of silence, without a thought as to whether I might also have had things happen during that time too.

I do think we need to understand people deal with things differently, but also don't think going through something difficult gives you a pass to behave exactly how you like to the people you claim to care about and then expect them to just accept it. I think "reach out" people need to understand the needs of "withdrawers" and not push too hard, but I also think "withdrawers" need to understand how that can be received by others as well. All relationships require compromise to some extent.

Hi op I can relate to your friends . I'm 44 and 4 days ago had my 2nd heart attack in 9 years I feel absolutely traumatized at the minute it was a very scary experience despite it happening before. I go from needing company to wanting leaving alone. I'm angry, then upset then to scared to sleep in case I don't wake up I'm exhausted. My phone has totally blown up with well wishes but despite me writing a message to everyone yesterday assuring them I'm at home and recovering and just need time to process and recover several people are still trying to call /message ect and it's too much right now so I've had to just put my phone on dnd . I need to concentrate on getting better right now and not driving my poor husband and kids daft whilst they process at the same time as me having 10 different emotions in one day. Please try not to take it personally people have different ways of coping . Some need lots of people around them. Some need to call/ message. Some withdraw no way is wrong. Even though I have communicated I still have people who have not taken the hint , best wishes xx

Does no one think the friends behaviour is just downright rude? We've all got challenges.

No. People are different. If you are experiencing something really heavy (not a trivial 'challenge'), you may not be able to cope with discussing it.

It's really not uncommon to not to want to put traumatic stuff in writing or to engage.

Say your beloved father has died and your beleved mother has a cancer diagnosis - it's really REALLY normal to focus all your attention on them and not want to engage with anything else. The world seems petty and trivial as does a friend whinging about a failure to reply to a text.

So how's it going to go. You don't want to text someone in writing ' my dad is dead and my mother has cancer' because you don't want to believe it let alone have something so private written down at all or in someone elses text.

If you say 'Sorry bit of a bad time - some personal issues' you know damn well that will provoke more questions, probably pestering 'are you ok' phone calls so it is perfectly normally to just deal with it by not responding.

It's life. If the problems are serious enough, many people cope by hunkering down.

Thank you for sharing. It does make sense.

Thank you for all of you who have shared your views in a constructive way.

Just to clarify that I am respecting them, but I posted here for advice and to understand this type of behaviour. It has been helpful to hear from other people who completely shut down too. I texted sister1 3 times as we had agreed to meet (as she had told me she will confirm exact date and time) but after my 3 messages I sent a text saying that as I hadn't received anything I'd assume that she couldn't make it, I hope everything is ok xx. I haven't been pestering her after that. I actually wrote 'I hope everything is ok' to leave it open for her to tell me anything if she wanted, instead of asking a direct question.
I also called sister2 to check if everything was ok with sister1 as sister1 is the one with an ill son at the moment And I know when this happens, something is wrong. Sister 2 didn't respond the call but responded by text to another of the group friends sending pictures of her pets.

Neither me or my other two friends have kept texting/calling them, if this is what some people are thinking.

You can't really be proper deep friends with someone who won't let you in, won't communicate. Just let it go, let the friendship go, step back a bit, because this is just their preferred way, and there is nothing you can do.

You can't really be proper deep friends with someone who won't let you in, won't communicate.

This is nonsense. The situations that the OP is talking about are temporary extremes of grief in life - death, serious illness, grieving for a divorce and a lost future. Good friends will come back to you when they have come out of the fog of grief and are capable of talking about it.

No one in a real emotional crisis or life changing event like death of a loved one should ever be under pressure to 'let you in' to suit someone else's timetable.

Idk about your friends, but when I'm not on form I find it very difficult to communicate at all. If I reply to a message saying I'm not on form, then firstly I'm admitting it, which I don't want to, not even to myself and secondly I lay myself open to questions "what's wrong" " come on, you'll feel better if you come out, don't be boring". So I delay answering and then so much time has passed that it feels even more awkward to answer and it's a vicious circle.

If I have flu then that's easy, I just say I have flu and that's the end of it, but anything emotional and I just can't discuss it or even hint at it. I also don't feel I can lie and pretend to have flu because that feels wrong.

If someone sends you an alarmed message saying they are worried about you and you don't even answer even just to say im fine then that's being an attention seeking arsehole who enjoys dangling people, possibly a sociopath
If someone asks hey do you want to meet up or how are you and you don't reply that's different and more in line with being too overwhelmed to reply.

I think also even if the friend isn't a bad person, you don't have to put up with their behaviour. You've known her all your life and this is how she treats you. I bet she opens up just fine to other friends.

I was feeling sorry for you but you're right you know your situation best.

And I've just had a good example this evening. A friend messaged me wanting to go out next weekend. I'm not up to it mentally ATM. Normally I would hesitate to answer the message at all, but shamed by this thread I replied that no I don't want to. I didn't say maybe, I gave a clear no although didn't specify why.

Now I'm getting more messages trying to coax me to come out. This is why people don't reply. Because in the past it's led to hassle. Even if you personally would let it lie, many people won't and one can end up being reluctant to reply at all to anyone.

If someone sends you an alarmed message saying they are worried about you and you don't even answer even just to say im fine then that's being an attention seeking arsehole who enjoys dangling people,

Yep. As introverted and private as I am, I would never leave deliberately leave someone worrying about me. I've had that done to me and it was awful and entirely unnecessary.
The least they could do is respond with 'I'm okay... Just needing to a break from life/people/social media/whatever, so will be being going quiet for a while'

If someone sends you an alarmed message saying they are worried about you and you don't even answer even just to say im fine then that's being an attention seeking arsehole who enjoys dangling people

It's very obvious who has had a grave life crisis and who hasn't from the tone of the replies. To describe someone who has had a child diagnosed with a terminal illness as 'an attention seeking arsehole who enjoys dangling people' because they haven't felt able to reply to a text is so lacking in understanding of the reality of this type of situation.

In a lot of major life crisis situations, in the first place you actually have zero mental space of anything other than the immediate issue. If you have a loved one died or has a terminal diagnosis, literally that occupies your thoughts 100% of the time, nothing else matters. Especially not replying to trivial texts from friends wanting to go for a drink and then chasing you because you've not replied. Literally it means shit to you in that situation.

If you've had a true crisis - like I posted above like your husband has died and you aren't ready to discuss it or face it - you can't answer I'm fine because you aren't.

You don't want to text the truth because you don't want to put something so awful in writing because you don't want to face it yourself.

You can't answer 'things awful. need some space' because you know damn well it will provoke more texts, calls, possibly someone turning up.

If someone who is normally replying to you goes radio silent AND it's a life crisis situation AND you are good friends, eventually they will resurface and explain why.

People are different and not everyone wants to 'share' or 'explain' or face anyone at all until they have had some time to process the horror of what has happened to them.