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Original poster

i did something i think i regret

65 replies

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 10:04

hi everyone,

before i begin please don't judge me, i just don't know where else to turn.

my boyfriend split up with me at the beginning of december due to the lack of trust in our relationship.

he was dealing with grief over his friend who had passed away in february time and we have never really been the same since for obvious reasons.

he turned to his friends and drinking for an escape rather than me. i was only really convenient for him when he was hungover or in the ups rather than the downs.

after he split up with me i felt all sorts of emotions due to him leaving me after i had also dealt with so much.

during our 3 year relationship, in the last 10 months since his loss i did make two mistakes due to feeling so lonely in which he caught me out. i was messaging someone from a previous workplace and he found these messages on my phone.

since the breakup, i slept with someone the week after. i am full of regret and did it in the moment, acting completely rash as i was in such a low place around christmas time. it only made me realise how much i want to be with my ex boyfriend.

my ex boyfriend is now leaning towards getting back together as he realises his mistakes.

i am now in a position where if i tell him i will lose him forever but if i dont i will deal with the guilt forever and only prove his suspicions of not being able to trust me.

advice welcome!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:11

Op with all due respect- what on earth are you thinking considering getting back into this mess of a relationship.

With a man who uses a friends death as an excuse for alcoholism. Sorry, but be real, that's what he was doing.

And you cheated twice (the man you slept with when single is irrelevant as you were single so had every freedom to do so).

You were not happy in the relationship. Why go back? And don't give us "because I looooove him' because that's bullshit. If anything you were stuck on an idea of what the relationship 'could' be. But it wasn't. At least, no fir a long time. And it won't be.

Draw a line under this toxic shit. Don't go vavk to soneone who treated you as an afterthought. To a situation that brought out the worst in you.
We're supposed to strive to ve better people. You can't do that if you keep rolling around in shit.

Your relationship was shit. Keep it over.

Gettingslimmer · 07/01/2025 10:14

You will lose him forever if you saw someone else whilst single? Why would you want to be with someone like that?

its none of his business what you do as a single woman.

PiastriThePastry · 07/01/2025 10:16

Weird that you think you’ll lose him forever if he finds out you slept with someone else while single but he’s accepting of you (admittedly lower level) cheating twice while actually with him. To be honest, as sad as it may feel, I would simply let this one go op. It’s still early days so it’s unsurprising you’re feeling sad and lonely, but this isn’t going to be your happily ever after.

Girlmom35 · 07/01/2025 10:17

I agree with @Pinkbonbon . You really shouldn't be considering going back to that relationship. It was shit, it made you miserable. Being lonely doesn't go away when you're with the wrong person.

I also firmly believe you need to do some soul-searching.
Why do you use romantic or sexual attention from men other than your boyfriend to help you cope with your emotions? It's happened multiple times during your relationship, it's happened right after, and it's happening again now that you're thinking of getting back together with your ex.

I suspect that you're actually deeply unhappy. Why, I don't know, but you must have some underlying issues, and you're trying to resolve them by distracting yourself with men. Believe me, no man is going to fix whatever has hurt you in the past. Try to work on that first, before throwing yourself at the next man who comes along.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:18

Also lol 'realises his mistakes'. Hah haha haha. No.

He realises you aren't there to wash his pants and give him blow jobs after his booze benders.

He had 10 months treating you like shit to realise his mistakes. He doesn't get to realise now.

And what about you? Nothing about you having healed? You were not in a good place when with him. Cheating. What's to stop you doing that again?

Seriously op, why does he decide if you get back together? Do you jump every time he says jump?

Take personal responsibility for your own life. Don't get back into things that were bad and brought out the worst in you.

Choose yourself and work actively to better yourself.

Rachmorr57 · 07/01/2025 10:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 10:27

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much.

We have a house, dog and 3 years of wonderful happy times. Just in the last 10 or so months since the loss of his friend it's been a rollercoaster and i turned to other people for the attention i was lacking which i understand is wrong.

He made the decision to leave me as it was obviously one too many times i had been caught doing something i shouldn't have.

We promised each other we wouldn't move on until we have another chat in january to see where both our headspace's are.

I feel immense guilt over sleeping with this person a week after we took this break away from one another

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:27

If you really want to see if hes changed. Text him or say to him -

'Thankyou for apologising for the way you behaved. It means a lot. But I realise I am happier single and don't want to get back together. I wish you all the best though mate'.

And just watch as either: a barrel of abuse comes in. Or manipulative shit like 'so you don't want to fight for us?'. Or complete failure to accept your 'no'. Or, pretending to understand at first but then obviously trying to push you into changing your mind over time in ways that include pushing boundaries.

Chances are that's how it'll go.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:32

So you only knew him 2 years before it got shit?
Come off it op. What happens when another friend dies? Or a parent? Is he back to square one?

Has he engaged with his gp and therapy?
Have you?

Otherwise, neither of you have done any work to heal yourselves. There's nothing to stop it happening again.

It sounds like you rushed into buying a house and a dog and this is playing on your desire to try again. If you had not done these things, you wouldn't be trying again.

This isn't the relationship for either of you. Sell the house, decide who gets the dog and move on. Yes it'll be tough. But no where near as bad as the relationship will be.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 07/01/2025 10:35

You say you made two mistakes and he doesn't know about the second one (not that it's his business as you were split up) but that he broke up with you for 'one too many mistakes' - so there were incidents before this, not just texting someone behind his back? I really don't think this is the right relationship for either of you.

Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 10:44

if we are to get back together, do i tell him about what happened a week after we split?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:52

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 10:44

if we are to get back together, do i tell him about what happened a week after we split?

You have 2 options

  1. Tell him and then the outcomes are either:

A. He says he doesn't want to get back together.

Or B. He says it's OK but uses it as a reason to further distrust the whole relationship going forwards.

or 2 - Don't tell him and:

A. You get back together but spend the whole relationship ship scared he will find out and judge you for it.
Or
B. You get back together but feel so guilty about it you end up telling him - to which he either - says 'it's OK because we were not together' (but, see 1.b) or, dumps you.

So what seems preferable?

Ask yourself op -Considering you don't have to choose ANY of the above, why would you?

Your get out clause is:
Choice 3. Choose yourself. Stay single and do the actual self work to get to the bottom of why you make bad choices regarding men and don't seem to love yourself. Heal. Then when you date again, you'll only stay in healthy things and be able to leave bad relationships behind you. Because you actually care about yourself.

PurpleChrayn · 07/01/2025 10:55

He sounds like a waste of space. You can do better.

kate592 · 07/01/2025 11:04

He was grieving his friend's death and you looked for attention elsewhere with 3 different people in a matter of months, you might have both taken some time out till January but you agreed not to see other people so you still cheated IMO.
Personally I think you've made a mess of this, forget worrying about tell him or don't tell him and just end it and do better next time. This is too much of a mess to come back from.

You can't go looking for attention elsewhere every time something really bad happens to your OH and you are not their sole focus for a while. If they are treating you badly then you make it clear it's unacceptable and then you leave. Stop needing constant attention from other people to give you your self esteem.

Catandsquirrel · 07/01/2025 11:16

Why did either of you make the promise of separating but not 'moving on' if you didn't mean it?

It meant you've broken your side, and are left feeling guilty.

I don't think your heart is in this relationship. This may be after 10 months of difficulty rather than not going into it with good intentions but I think both you and he sound like you have a lot of healing and maturing to do and I don't think it's together for now.

Sometimes something starts with lovely potential but doesn't work out. This may be one of those times . 10 months is a large chunk of your time together and it wasn't good. Not necessarily for ex's fault exactly, grief is messy but I would expect him to have found better strategies by now and have sought support.

What is he doing to manage his grief better?

And what are you doing so that you wouldn't manage a bad relationship again by looking attention without leaving? I get the impression you have a habit of going for the path of least resistance. I'd say get more comfortable about having difficult conversations and setting boundaries.

In terms of telling him. Well, you set or accepted the terms of this agreement. If that's what you agreed then I suppose you should be candid about it. If you hadn't discussed that and were simply single then of course I would say It wasn't his business. Was it the same man you were messaging?

Starlight1984 · 07/01/2025 11:16

Sorry to be blunt and I don't mean to be horrible but what has his friend dying got to do with anything? When you're in a committed, healthy relationship, you go through far bigger and worse things than that and you get through it together.

Also you say that he ended the relationship due to lack of trust and then say

during our 3 year relationship, in the last 10 months since his loss i did make two mistakes due to feeling so lonely in which he caught me out. i was messaging someone from a previous workplace

so he had reason to not trust you.

Regardless, this isn't a good relationship and you will just end up in a toxic cycle if you go back.

Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:24

hello,

no the person i slept with was a work colleague.

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:24

he's now agreed to stop drinking as his new year's resolution.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 11:31

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:24

he's now agreed to stop drinking as his new year's resolution.

Ok cool, so has he joined aa?

If this was just a him issue then you'd have to give it 6 months apart from him to see that he consistently has stopped drinking and isn't just saying it. And even then...how would you know? Unless you said you didn't want to get back together regardless, but remained friends. That way he maybe wouldn't lie about whether or not he'd been successful at giving up drinking, because, well, you're just mates.

And when you say 'he's now agreed' what does that even mean?! That's not 'he's decided he needs to'. It's more like 'I'll tell her I'll quit just yo shut her up and con her back'.

It means nothing.

Starlight1984 · 07/01/2025 11:32

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:24

he's now agreed to stop drinking as his new year's resolution.

No offence OP but how old are you?

You were texting someone else behind your boyfriends back and then slept with him a week after you broke up so that would suggest to me that you're not deeply in love with him.

Likewise, he turned to his mates and drinking and not you after a bereavement which would suggest he feels the same.

So what is even the point of attempting to get back together.

Oh and he's just telling you what you want to hear re drinking.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 11:35

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:24

hello,

no the person i slept with was a work colleague.

So are you still working there?

Because I wouldn't get back with someone who was still working in a place with someone she recently shagged?

Op
You are both talking about things like 'habing changed' and 'guilt' etc... but that's bs because neither of you have done any work towards making those changes.

Are you magically not a cheat because you feel guilty? Is he magically now sober because he made a new years wish? It's laughable.

Madamegreen · 07/01/2025 11:41

I don't think the op or the partner knows what commitment is, nor how to behave properly in a relationship.
One is texting other men, the other is an alcoholic...
The new success sequence.😂

Quitelikeit · 07/01/2025 11:43

One too many times?

You said he caught you once so which is it?

If more than once better to end it as clearly he’s not the one for you!

Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:46

i used to work with him at the beginning of last year but we both was left at similar times so it was probably a joint mistake..

by the way he doesn't drink himself silly all the time, sometimes not at all.

just when he is having a phase due to his ovbious grief

OP posts:
EcoChica1980 · 07/01/2025 11:46

I don't think you should kid yourself that you cheated because you felt 'lonely'. People cheat on their partners to get validation from someone new. It meets a need they have and they keep on doing it - or at least having the urge to do it.

You need to work on that before you think about being in a relationship again.