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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i did something i think i regret

65 replies

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 10:04

hi everyone,

before i begin please don't judge me, i just don't know where else to turn.

my boyfriend split up with me at the beginning of december due to the lack of trust in our relationship.

he was dealing with grief over his friend who had passed away in february time and we have never really been the same since for obvious reasons.

he turned to his friends and drinking for an escape rather than me. i was only really convenient for him when he was hungover or in the ups rather than the downs.

after he split up with me i felt all sorts of emotions due to him leaving me after i had also dealt with so much.

during our 3 year relationship, in the last 10 months since his loss i did make two mistakes due to feeling so lonely in which he caught me out. i was messaging someone from a previous workplace and he found these messages on my phone.

since the breakup, i slept with someone the week after. i am full of regret and did it in the moment, acting completely rash as i was in such a low place around christmas time. it only made me realise how much i want to be with my ex boyfriend.

my ex boyfriend is now leaning towards getting back together as he realises his mistakes.

i am now in a position where if i tell him i will lose him forever but if i dont i will deal with the guilt forever and only prove his suspicions of not being able to trust me.

advice welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:56

considering what's happened during and after the relationship

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 07/01/2025 11:57

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

No

Sorry

Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:58

@Girlmom35

why so?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/01/2025 11:58

during our 3 year relationship, in the last 10 months since his loss i did make two mistakes due to feeling so lonely in which he caught me out. i was messaging someone from a previous workplace and he found these messages on my phone.

Why was he looking on your phone?

Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:58

@pinkyredrose

he had a gut feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:59

@pinkyredrose

it was going off and he had a gut feeling so he checked what was going on.

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 07/01/2025 12:03

It's not about what he or you say you'll do, I think revisit this after you've both had chance to change because grief and getting yourself together can take time. Promising to stop drinking is the easy bit.

And you? What will you do differently? Im confused too. Did you make one mistake that he knows about or one too many?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 07/01/2025 12:07

This whole thing is a toxic mess. I think you should both move on with your lives, tbh. Go no contact. Work on yourselves separately, figure your individual shit out.

If, in six months or so, you’re still interested in each other, get back in contact and see what the situation is.

PiastriThePastry · 07/01/2025 12:10

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

No. I can’t really see any redemption here. You make excuses for his shitty behaviour and say it’s down to his grief, which is a rather weak excuse as best, but your answer to him apparently struggling deeply with his grief is to text another man then shag him the second you’ve split… both of you need to just admit it’s over and grow up.

Madamegreen · 07/01/2025 12:11

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

I'm in favour of reconnecting under the right circumstances. I know some Mumsnetters take pleasure in celebrating relationship breakdowns and moving on quickly.

However, in your case, I don't think you ever had a relationship with any relatable foundations.

Tinseltotties · 07/01/2025 12:15

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

no
In a time of need he turned away from you not to you

when you weren’t getting what you needed you also looked outside the relationship.

instead of working on it you both ignored the problem, damaged your relationship then broke up.

you haven’t resolved anything, you’ve not really learned anything, you’re both regretful but that guilt will pass. Next time something difficult happens he’ll turn to his friends and alcohol and you’ll be lonely again.

If his resolution is still in place next year, and you both still want to get back together then, you can talk and plan for how you’ll do things differently

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2025 12:17

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:59

@pinkyredrose

it was going off and he had a gut feeling so he checked what was going on.

Why did you let him? He had no right.

Scaredandalonepls · 07/01/2025 12:19

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2025 11:58

during our 3 year relationship, in the last 10 months since his loss i did make two mistakes due to feeling so lonely in which he caught me out. i was messaging someone from a previous workplace and he found these messages on my phone.

Why was he looking on your phone?

The same reason women on here give all the time. Double Standards.

OP, yes with effort I think it could work but you both really need to try. Maybe try therapy together.

ScarlettSunset · 07/01/2025 12:20

Don't get back together. At all. Ever.

Your relationship wasn't as good as you're remembering it. Probably because you just weren't right for each other.

Keep apart and you'll both get more of a chance of finding happy relationships in the future.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 12:20

pinkyredrose · 07/01/2025 12:17

Why did you let him? He had no right.

Show quote history

I actually disagree. If rovers were reversed, women are told to trust their gut and check for evidence.

I think so long as it was a one off check, he had every right! She WAS cheating!

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 12:21

Scaredandalonepls · 07/01/2025 12:19

The same reason women on here give all the time. Double Standards.

OP, yes with effort I think it could work but you both really need to try. Maybe try therapy together.

Show quote history

They need therapy apart first.

Scaredandalonepls · 07/01/2025 12:22

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 12:21

They need therapy apart first.

Show quote history

Yeah probs.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/01/2025 12:30

It's unwise to go back to your ex. I don't know of anyone who hadn't regretted that decision. He won't change, he hasn't even admitted he was in the wrong.
You could've slept with 700 people the day after you spilt with him if you felt like it. You were single. I certainly wouldn't be wracked with guilt. If that person you slept with had worked out then maybe you'd be dating them now?
It's not necessary to 'confess' anything. But equally I do not advise getting back with him.

TwistedWonder · 07/01/2025 12:30

So when you hit a bump in the road in a reasonably short relationship he hits the bottle and treats you like shit and you immediately run to get male attention and validation elsewhere?

Why get back on the rollercoaster OP?

What happens next time there’s an issue? He’ll be back down the pub and you’ll be jumping into the next convenient warm bed?

Come on OP, surely you want better from life?

TwistedWonder · 07/01/2025 12:31

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:59

@pinkyredrose

it was going off and he had a gut feeling so he checked what was going on.

So his gut was correct as you were emotionally cheating?

pikkumyy77 · 07/01/2025 12:38

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

No because you are both fundamentally dishonest with each other. You are both full of excuses and self pity. He wanted to go on benders and hang with his friends. And you were seeking validation and attention from others and couldn’t even tolerate the separation he imposed without sampling the alternatives.

Stop. Let him go and try to really look at yourself snd what you want in life. Do not go back to him with a lie. You will pay for it every day—he will make you pay for it.

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 12:40

Op if you really want to try again, against the advice of everyone here, then you're going to have to both put work in. First solo, then together.

So, he needs to join AA. It doesn't matter that he doesn't drink all the time. He has an unhealthy relationship with alochol where he uses it as a coping method. He becomes dependent on it to enough of an extent that it contributed to his relationship ending. This needs to be addressed.
Therapy may also be an option. Infact, probably wise ALSO to help him work through his friends death and develop healthy coping mechanisms for future hurts.

You, need to take some time completely single. No men. And ideally address your own issues 8n therapy. But at the very least, get on the self help books. Books on codependency may be a good start. And books on self love.

During this time, I'd recommend low contact with him. For at least a year. Alternatively, friendship only.

I'd also, sell the house. Because you don't want to get to a point where you are considering getting back together or not and the house is pushing you both towards doing it when actually it may not be right.

You both need to agree to do the work separately and follow through. If this seems like too much effort or, wither party won't do their share - walk away. Because its doomed.

If you decide to try again once you are both in a healthy place, couples councilling, regular date nights where you make time for each other and some healthy relationship books will be good steps to take. You must agree to be honest with eachother in therapy. And any indication that there is lasting resentment, must be dealt with there. If it cannot be resolved or, presents as contempt, its time to leave again.

You need to be at a pont where if you do go back, you know ypu can trust yourself to walk away if your behaviour becomes unhealthy again or, his becomes toxic.

Starlight1984 · 07/01/2025 14:09

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

No.

TwistedWonder · 07/01/2025 14:11

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

No. It shouldn’t be this hard after a few years.