Page 3 | i did something i think i regret

agirlinneed12 · 2025-01-07T10:04:08+00:00

hi everyone, before i begin please don't judge me, i just don't know where else to turn. my boyfriend split up with me at the beginning of december due to the lack of trust in our relationship. he was dealing with grief over his friend who had passed away in february time and we have never really been the same since for obvious reasons. he turned to his friends and drinking for an escape rather than me. i was only really convenient for him when he was hungover or in the ups rather than the downs. after he split up with me i felt all sorts of emotions due to him leaving me after i had also dealt with so much. during our 3 year relationship, in the last 10 months since his loss i did make two mistakes due to feeling so lonely in which he caught me out. i was messaging someone from a previous workplace and he found these messages on my phone. since the breakup, i slept with someone the week after. i am full of regret and did it in the moment, acting completely rash as i was in such a low place around christmas time. it only made me realise how much i want to be with my ex boyfriend. my ex boyfriend is now leaning towards getting back together as he realises his mistakes. i am now in a position where if i tell him i will lose him forever but if i dont i will deal with the guilt forever and only prove his suspicions of not being able to trust me. advice welcome!

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/01/2025 14:18

I think this relationship is a car wreck that shouldn’t be revisited OP
Step away from the Crazy

TurqoiseJasper · 07/01/2025 14:41

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 10:44

if we are to get back together, do i tell him about what happened a week after we split?

Nope. You'll just have to live with it.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/01/2025 15:09

You weren't together. Don't tell him.

Pepla · 07/01/2025 15:14

agirlinneed12 · 07/01/2025 11:55

do any of you think this relationship could work with the right amount of effort from both sides?

No. Not for a moment. Reread @Pinkbonbon’s posts, with which I agree.

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 07/01/2025 15:55

Pinkbonbon · 07/01/2025 10:27

If you really want to see if hes changed. Text him or say to him -

'Thankyou for apologising for the way you behaved. It means a lot. But I realise I am happier single and don't want to get back together. I wish you all the best though mate'.

And just watch as either: a barrel of abuse comes in. Or manipulative shit like 'so you don't want to fight for us?'. Or complete failure to accept your 'no'. Or, pretending to understand at first but then obviously trying to push you into changing your mind over time in ways that include pushing boundaries.

Chances are that's how it'll go.

Great strategy Pinkbonbon

Don’t want to hi-jack but just out of interest, genuine question, how should a man respond if he was genuinely remorseful and really did want to get back with his partner and make another go of it ? Your list doesn’t really allow for that I mean?

Not saying op should get back with her dp either! I don’t think he has treated her well.

But if you do get back with him op; it’s none of his business what you did when you had just split up! The clue is in the last two words! 😄 So you are not obliged to tell him. But if you do tell him, he has nothing to protest about bc you were single at the time. He split up with you remember!

Why on earth do you feel so guilty? He treated you badly while drinking and grieving. And I have some sympathy with him there tbh as grief can hit you like a ton of bricks and some people do drink to deal with the onslaught of feelings. But it feels awful to be completely cut off too. Very hurtful.

Tbh you both sound quite immature. This was your first test as a couple and he shut you out and you maybe didn’t give him enough space? Your communication was poor.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

He didn’t treat you respectfully though and unless there was a specific reason why he turned to these friends to drink, eg they were part of an armed forces group or sports team who all knew the deceased friend, or if there is a cultural difference relating to how your partner and his male friends mourn, or something like that, then the future doesn’t look good for you both because he demoted you to the second rung of people who matter in his life after a significant event, which is deeply hurtful. Some men are utterly crap at handling deep feelings sadly. They behave like toddlers.

Also , the way you describe him, he comes across as rather controlling. Remember you have agency here too op.

The best decisions are made not out of fear and what may happen when you lose someone, but are made out of an overwhelmingly positive wish to move forward together?

Is this man good enough for you to want to do that? Is he emotionally stable enough to handle the responsibilities of a family and children? Is his binge drinking an issue? I know you said he was going to make an effort to control it. But is he safe and kind or emotionally immature and controlling?

Take some time to think about this op. Agree with Pinkbonbon that some time living apart could be very helpful* *💐

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 07/01/2025 16:24

Another thing worth considering op is that three years is a pivotal time for any relationship. Many couples decide at this point whether to settle down and make the decision to marry or have a child then. Or not.

You have had a happy relationship up to 10 months ago when your dp’s friend died.

Not saying that is the case with you or your dp, but sometimes we can do things unconsciously when we haven’t processed our feeling? If we know deep down that things aren’t right? But we haven’t allowed our conscious brain to admit it yet?

So in your dp’s case, this could be using the devastating event of his friend’s death to drink and blow up the relationship.

And in turn you could have been texting other people to sabotage it too.

Again, this is just a suggestion to consider. 💐

Madamegreen · 07/01/2025 16:51

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 07/01/2025 15:55

Great strategy Pinkbonbon

Don’t want to hi-jack but just out of interest, genuine question, how should a man respond if he was genuinely remorseful and really did want to get back with his partner and make another go of it ? Your list doesn’t really allow for that I mean?

Not saying op should get back with her dp either! I don’t think he has treated her well.

But if you do get back with him op; it’s none of his business what you did when you had just split up! The clue is in the last two words! 😄 So you are not obliged to tell him. But if you do tell him, he has nothing to protest about bc you were single at the time. He split up with you remember!

Why on earth do you feel so guilty? He treated you badly while drinking and grieving. And I have some sympathy with him there tbh as grief can hit you like a ton of bricks and some people do drink to deal with the onslaught of feelings. But it feels awful to be completely cut off too. Very hurtful.

Tbh you both sound quite immature. This was your first test as a couple and he shut you out and you maybe didn’t give him enough space? Your communication was poor.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

He didn’t treat you respectfully though and unless there was a specific reason why he turned to these friends to drink, eg they were part of an armed forces group or sports team who all knew the deceased friend, or if there is a cultural difference relating to how your partner and his male friends mourn, or something like that, then the future doesn’t look good for you both because he demoted you to the second rung of people who matter in his life after a significant event, which is deeply hurtful. Some men are utterly crap at handling deep feelings sadly. They behave like toddlers.

Also , the way you describe him, he comes across as rather controlling. Remember you have agency here too op.

The best decisions are made not out of fear and what may happen when you lose someone, but are made out of an overwhelmingly positive wish to move forward together?

Is this man good enough for you to want to do that? Is he emotionally stable enough to handle the responsibilities of a family and children? Is his binge drinking an issue? I know you said he was going to make an effort to control it. But is he safe and kind or emotionally immature and controlling?

Take some time to think about this op. Agree with Pinkbonbon that some time living apart could be very helpful* *💐

Edited

Show quote history

They were together for 3 years he drinks-she jumps into bed with someone immediately after setting it up whilst in this' 'Relationship'.
That is not a general definition of love.
Drinking heavily, stepping outside and then sleeping immediately are not good optics. People do this whilst on a break and then inflict further emotional damage on themselves and one another.
The only way is to agree to counselling and take baby steps or liquidate the assets and move on.

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 07/01/2025 17:15

Madamegreen · 07/01/2025 16:51

They were together for 3 years he drinks-she jumps into bed with someone immediately after setting it up whilst in this' 'Relationship'.
That is not a general definition of love.
Drinking heavily, stepping outside and then sleeping immediately are not good optics. People do this whilst on a break and then inflict further emotional damage on themselves and one another.
The only way is to agree to counselling and take baby steps or liquidate the assets and move on.

Edited

Show quote history

Aren’t we more or less saying similar things in different ways Madamegreen?

Anyway, aren’t we allowed different takes on it?

We don’t know any detail about their two year or so relationship before the friend’s bereavement. Going by op’s account, it was happy. This thread understandably focuses on the last 10 unhappy months.

WorriedMumofTeen16 · 07/01/2025 17:44

I think, and correct me if I'm wrong OP, that she means the 2 mistakes were texting man 1 and sleeping with man 2, as opposed to those plus 2 other "mistakes"? Ie sleeping with 3 men total and that it was the texting that she was caught with. Vastly different scenarios

Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2025 08:41

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 07/01/2025 15:55

Great strategy Pinkbonbon

Don’t want to hi-jack but just out of interest, genuine question, how should a man respond if he was genuinely remorseful and really did want to get back with his partner and make another go of it ? Your list doesn’t really allow for that I mean?

Not saying op should get back with her dp either! I don’t think he has treated her well.

But if you do get back with him op; it’s none of his business what you did when you had just split up! The clue is in the last two words! 😄 So you are not obliged to tell him. But if you do tell him, he has nothing to protest about bc you were single at the time. He split up with you remember!

Why on earth do you feel so guilty? He treated you badly while drinking and grieving. And I have some sympathy with him there tbh as grief can hit you like a ton of bricks and some people do drink to deal with the onslaught of feelings. But it feels awful to be completely cut off too. Very hurtful.

Tbh you both sound quite immature. This was your first test as a couple and he shut you out and you maybe didn’t give him enough space? Your communication was poor.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

He didn’t treat you respectfully though and unless there was a specific reason why he turned to these friends to drink, eg they were part of an armed forces group or sports team who all knew the deceased friend, or if there is a cultural difference relating to how your partner and his male friends mourn, or something like that, then the future doesn’t look good for you both because he demoted you to the second rung of people who matter in his life after a significant event, which is deeply hurtful. Some men are utterly crap at handling deep feelings sadly. They behave like toddlers.

Also , the way you describe him, he comes across as rather controlling. Remember you have agency here too op.

The best decisions are made not out of fear and what may happen when you lose someone, but are made out of an overwhelmingly positive wish to move forward together?

Is this man good enough for you to want to do that? Is he emotionally stable enough to handle the responsibilities of a family and children? Is his binge drinking an issue? I know you said he was going to make an effort to control it. But is he safe and kind or emotionally immature and controlling?

Take some time to think about this op. Agree with Pinkbonbon that some time living apart could be very helpful* *💐

Edited

Show quote history

From someone emotionally healthy I'd expect (perhaps after some time taken to compose himself of course) something like 'That's sad, but I respect your decision. I can see that we didn't have the healthiest relationship so yes maybe its for the best. All the best to you too annie, take care'.

And before anyone says that's a hard thing for a guy to do, I literally had a similarly respectful text from the last person I ended it with. So there are those perfectly capable of being decent and respecting 'no' (I was impressed to be fair! Which arguably shows how low the bar is set for men in society).

Of course, these two have a house to sell and a dog to deal with so that changes things slightly. They'd need to stay in touch to deal with that.

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 08/01/2025 10:58

Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2025 08:41

From someone emotionally healthy I'd expect (perhaps after some time taken to compose himself of course) something like 'That's sad, but I respect your decision. I can see that we didn't have the healthiest relationship so yes maybe its for the best. All the best to you too annie, take care'.

And before anyone says that's a hard thing for a guy to do, I literally had a similarly respectful text from the last person I ended it with. So there are those perfectly capable of being decent and respecting 'no' (I was impressed to be fair! Which arguably shows how low the bar is set for men in society).

Of course, these two have a house to sell and a dog to deal with so that changes things slightly. They'd need to stay in touch to deal with that.

Show quote history

Thanks for your reply Pinkbonbon.

So, not talking about op's situation, but generally, it would be total acceptance of the their partner's wishes? Not fighting for the relationship. Because that would be up to the person who wants to end it?

Thanks. I think I get it now!

StrawberryDream24 · 08/01/2025 11:10

You don't need to tell him about shagging your ex work colleague.

You were single. He ended the relationship. You weren't together.

Your agreement that you both wouldn't get with anyone else for X amount of time was stupid.

You don't know for certain he stuck to that silly agreement either, but if he did it was probably just lack of opportunity. Most men don't get as easy/many opportunities for sex as women.

Forget about telling him. If you get back together, it will only cause more problems. You weren't together, it sounds like you weren't together due to his decision. The agreement was unrealistic and silly. Let it go.

nodramaplz · 08/01/2025 11:19

The texting is dealt with! Move on. If you can't then the relationship is over.

The sleeping with someone else was when you split up, does he need to know?

Madamegreen · 08/01/2025 12:57

Thepiecesdontfit333 · 07/01/2025 17:15

Aren’t we more or less saying similar things in different ways Madamegreen?

Anyway, aren’t we allowed different takes on it?

We don’t know any detail about their two year or so relationship before the friend’s bereavement. Going by op’s account, it was happy. This thread understandably focuses on the last 10 unhappy months.

Show quote history

I'm a great believer in making things work, couples have trials and tribulations. I'm not a believer in splitting for annoyances or pop psychology crap.

However in this case, if he's had a meltdown over the death of his friend. His push to stay on the wagon won't last long if she confesses to sleeping with someone immediately. If he has an issue with alcohol, making a promise won't cut it.
They both need separate therapy and commitment, these two have neither. If these two had 10 yrs in and children, of course, attempt a reinvention. Honestly, I believe they are either not a good match or these two aren't going to be in healthy relationships.

Kenway · 08/01/2025 14:34

to quote ross from friends you split or words to that effect so why do you owe any of your business to him ?