Met a guy...

[friendsl]

We went on three incredible dates. Lots of excitement and chemistry. He bought chocolates and flowers to one date.

Then he fell ill (he had a bad flu)...and later, told me he suddenly wasn't looking for a relationship, as he had a lot going on in his life (he has to change jobs etc) and asked if we could keep things open.

I didn't ask him what that meant, as I didn't want to know, and I felt disappointed after such amazing dates, it's a bit weird he suddenly switched.

But by open...I assume he meant to keep things casual and open to dating others? I'm just curious. I won't be going back to him, as I am looking for a relationship, and I am sick and tired of guys messing me around.

I don’t know why posters are painting him to be the villain. He had 3 good dates, but it just wasn’t enough for a relationship.
Maybe there was someone in the picture, work, life. It was not you.

He could have shagged you but he was honest enough to tell you he doesn’t want a serious relationship before sex.

@Michellesbackbrace that’s a terrifying story. It’s scary how his friends went along with it too but birds of a feather often flock together.

How did you even find out he was married? When I did OLD I had on my profile no married men including those who are “separated ” to make it clear I’d be looking for the signs.

I’m sure it didn’t eliminate all of them from trying to match with me , but I hope it discouraged at least a few of them from even trying it.

Tbh OP you really need to ask him or make the decision to not care what he meant and forget about him altogether. We can’t tell you what he meant. He may have meant press pause on dating or he may be trying to turn it into a FWB thing.

You're definitely right to rule him out as a future option though. He may or may not be an okay guy but he seems flaky and will mess you around in the future whether deliberately or not.

It’s a long story but basically his wife found out.

When she told him the gig was up he did what a lot of narcissistic, manipulative men do and rang her screaming and threatening to kill himself. No doubt blamed it all on me being some sort of nympho or something.

I’m pretty sure they’re still together and what really annoys me is that he’s just carried on with his life with no comeuppance or retribution. Just blocked me and manipulated the fuck out of his wife and carried on his merry way. Probably shagging god knows how many other women behind her back. Now when I look back a lot of things he said/did fell into place but at the time he seemed so sweet and lovely that it was really shocking when I found out he was simply lying about everything the whole time. He even told me he had bowel cancer to elicit sympathy.

He was a total covert narc, and yes his friends were obviously players too I realised afterwards. I should’ve realised at the time that as you say “birds of a feather” - but bc he was scathing of the fact they were taking coke in the men’s and apparently cheating on their wives I thought he was embarrassed of them - he made out like he couldn’t dump them as mates as they all worked together.

He was the biggest psycho of the lot! I could fill pages with stuff he did - it’s actually scary that there are men like this out there masquerading as perfectly normal nice guys!

@Michellesbackbrace He sounds completely unhinged - lying about cancer??

Most likely he was taking coke too!

It’s sad, it does seem as if these men get away with it. That’s why so many of them are so bold about getting on dating apps and contacting women via social media etc.

Not only do they not give a crap about anyone’s emotions or mental health, they’re confident they can talk their way out of things if they’re caught.

But it’s quite sadly predictable that they are still together, because a ruthless scheming man like that will usually choose his wife well and by that I mean choose someone who he knows can be manipulated and be less likely to leave.

Men like that really scare me, maybe I watch too much true crime but I always think if they can lie so consistently about things like that with no remorse , they could be hiding all kinds of secrets.

100% agree. I spent a while feeling angry and upset and wanting to contact her to tell her the truth of what happened but ultimately I realise someone who’s been married to a man like that for 15 years will be completely under his spell 🤷‍♀️

Yeah women like that are so far gone I’m sorry to say. They usually won’t even listen to the advice of their close female friends and relatives, so it’s highly unlikely they’ll take a strangers word over their husbands.

You won’t get any thanks for it if you do speak up. It’s unfortunate but you just need to leave them to it.

Flowers and choc probably used on all dates he has.

Chemistry was probably felt more by you- if a man feels chemistry he won’t give that up at least until he has got you in bed.

Keep things open? He doesn't want to commit to you because he wants to see others. If a man truly likes a woman, he wants to take you off the market immediately. At least he was honest about it.