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Original poster

Met a guy...

86 replies

friendsl · 06/01/2025 14:12

We went on three incredible dates. Lots of excitement and chemistry. He bought chocolates and flowers to one date.

Then he fell ill (he had a bad flu)...and later, told me he suddenly wasn't looking for a relationship, as he had a lot going on in his life (he has to change jobs etc) and asked if we could keep things open.

I didn't ask him what that meant, as I didn't want to know, and I felt disappointed after such amazing dates, it's a bit weird he suddenly switched.

But by open...I assume he meant to keep things casual and open to dating others? I'm just curious. I won't be going back to him, as I am looking for a relationship, and I am sick and tired of guys messing me around.

OP posts:
Original poster
friendsl · 06/01/2025 17:31

*devilspawn *

it sounds like you think he's not attractive and he's punching above his weight?

yes but the chemistry and connection was there for me, and his comments show he thinks this to be true as well

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 06/01/2025 17:44

friendsl · 06/01/2025 14:16

I keep wondering...did I do something to put him off? Why did he change?

He likes the thrill of the chase, the thrill of the new. He's charming, it's all exciting, you have sex, that's the prize achieved. He probably has whatever illness is doing the rounds at the time ( terrible flu, noro virus, covid) whenever he's got to this stage with anyone new. Then he wallops out the speech about an 'open thing' cos a handy shag is a handy shag. You'll be grateful for the crumbs and work hard to get back to the attention you got at the start. Meanwhile he's off to the next conquest.

smithey85 · 06/01/2025 17:54

@friendsl You're reading way too much into this.

It was three dates. Either he didn't think you were compatible, he wasn't ready for a relationship or he's found someone else that he thinks is either more suitable or is an easier shag.

He has ended things with you as others have said, By saying keep it open, he is trying to be nice without hurting you whilst also keeping the door open if his plan a doesn't work out.

I'd block, delete, forget and move on.

Original poster
friendsl · 06/01/2025 17:57

Oh ok...I didn't sense he was ending it with me. I thought he was trying to make it more casual or make it ok that he can date others too.

OP posts:
SoManyTshirts · 06/01/2025 17:59

Going against the tide on this one … flu can bring you right down and maybe he just feels things are moving to fast.
Typing that out and thinking perhaps manic/depressive? Could be genuine for all that, and just putting the brakes on. Keep him on the back burner.

ChristmasFluff · 06/01/2025 18:17

Oh, this is textbook.

Gives great dates to suck you in, then does the whole back-pedal. Because he knows (since you said) that you are looking for commitment, not casual. But he only wants casual With EVERYONE! It's not you, or something you did - he was always going to do this, flu or not.

Men like this play hot and cold all the time, to achieve what he has achieved - having you doubting yourself. So you'll 'try harder' and put up with his shenanigans. and this could go on for years.

He's a time-waster. He's NOT right for you, OP.

smallsilvercloud · 06/01/2025 18:30

I think someone else has suddenly turned his head that he may have a chance with but wants to still see you as well. Flu and changing jobs is part of life and people still manage to have a relationship if they really want to. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries.

Starsandall · 06/01/2025 20:41

I met one guy like this. I look back and realised he was a love bomber. Also chocolate and wine and to much going on. It was a lucky escape for me I hope it is for you. He still tried messaging me a few times months later but I wasn’t playing that game! I hope you’re ok op it’s confusing isn’t it. But it’s him not you!

JMSA · 06/01/2025 20:42

friendsl · 06/01/2025 14:16

I keep wondering...did I do something to put him off? Why did he change?

Nooooo. You mustn't believe that. It's on him and was part of his game plan all along.

Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 20:43

He prob isnt a love bomber ffs. He bought chocs and wine. Maybe he's a hopeless romantic. Hopeless being apt.

JMSA · 06/01/2025 20:47

Soggythatch · 06/01/2025 20:43

He prob isnt a love bomber ffs. He bought chocs and wine. Maybe he's a hopeless romantic. Hopeless being apt.

These gestures are seldom genuine in the early days.

Waterboatlass · 06/01/2025 21:04

friendsl · 06/01/2025 17:26

*Waterboatlass *he hasn't ended it...he wants to keep things 'open' between us ?

I'd say anyone keen would do their best to grab the opportunity to keep things going with you, not 'keep it open'. I don't know exactly what he means by that- no strings sex, casual dating, simply not set the next date yet, drift off but maybe check back in at some point- but you deserve someone who is doing the former.

You could ask what he means, but it's nothing I would entertain if looking for a serious relationship. Someone interested, even at an early stage wouldn't be leaving you guessing.

I don't think he's a love bomber or anything, I just don't think he's on the same page re a relationship and hasn't been clear.

Sassybooklover · 06/01/2025 21:28

To me the statement 'could we keep things open' means 'could we keep the possibility of another date in the future open'!! 🤷 I don't read that as someone who is asking for an 'open relationship', and wanting to date other people. I don't know perhaps it's just me who reads it that way!!!

Lockupyourbiscuits · 06/01/2025 21:40

He’s “not looking for a relationship “

Next

ImmortalSnowman · 06/01/2025 21:49

friendsl · 06/01/2025 16:48

Haha thanks for the chuckle, I know, I'm just confused as to what happened....

Show quote history

You didn't bang him on date 3 after he gave you chocolates and flowers. Thats the only thing you did "wrong".

He was only after one thing and when he didn't get it after making all that effort for 3 dates he's trying his luck elsewhere (but wants to keep you around in case you decide you want to lower your standards or have a lobotomy).

There are decent men out there, even on dating apps. Honest. They are just rare.

Plumedenom · 06/01/2025 22:01

I have a friend like this. He is a serial dater. My friend told me he doesn't even care about sex, it's just about getting women hooked. He took them all to the same moonlit bench, same restaurant etc. absolutely shameless. He makes jokes about it. The flings never last long and he sometimes sends me their photos and they are all good looking girls. Probably all wondering what you're wondering. But the truth is that he dates women for an ego boost and occasional sex and loves to live alone. It's not you, it's him and it's dating apps.

Plumedenom · 06/01/2025 22:04

Oh, and just to add, he often goes on a date on Wednesday and then shags someone who is up for the "open" friendship on Friday. He tells them all the rest of the time that he's busy with work, which is possibly even true. It is very much on his terms. Basically, this is not someone you can build a relationship with.

Shubbypubby · 06/01/2025 22:06

Met someone else/got back with an ex/has a wife or girlfriend and was worried about getting caught. It'll be one of those scenarios.

WomenInConstruction · 06/01/2025 22:10

Plumedenom · 06/01/2025 22:01

I have a friend like this. He is a serial dater. My friend told me he doesn't even care about sex, it's just about getting women hooked. He took them all to the same moonlit bench, same restaurant etc. absolutely shameless. He makes jokes about it. The flings never last long and he sometimes sends me their photos and they are all good looking girls. Probably all wondering what you're wondering. But the truth is that he dates women for an ego boost and occasional sex and loves to live alone. It's not you, it's him and it's dating apps.

That's cynical and grim. What do you see in him as a friend?

workshy46 · 07/01/2025 11:10

Keep it open means he has his eye on someone else but wants you on the back burner in case that doesn't work out. Never EVER be just an option for some guy.
I'd just say nah not interested thanks and move on without a second thought. The stuff guys get away with nowadays wouldn't have happened in a million years pre internet dating. Most of them wouldn't have got arrested. What women will put up with in the pursuit of being "picked"

Plumedenom · 07/01/2025 23:31

WomenInConstruction · 06/01/2025 22:10

That's cynical and grim. What do you see in him as a friend?

Show quote history

I get Italian conversation and he gets English. It's a language exchange.

Plumedenom · 07/01/2025 23:38

Funny thing is about these men, they don't think they are doing anything wrong because they never promised anything. What they don't get is that they make all these women second guess what's wrong with themselves, when the truth is, these men want to live alone and occasionally enjoy female company, sex, and an ego boost. They even kid themselves they are looking for a partner, but it is an endless pursuit of someone better, the "one", this perfect non existent woman. Dating apps have a lot to answer for. They have consumerised romance.

Smellskindafunky · 07/01/2025 23:40

Plumedenom · 07/01/2025 23:38

Funny thing is about these men, they don't think they are doing anything wrong because they never promised anything. What they don't get is that they make all these women second guess what's wrong with themselves, when the truth is, these men want to live alone and occasionally enjoy female company, sex, and an ego boost. They even kid themselves they are looking for a partner, but it is an endless pursuit of someone better, the "one", this perfect non existent woman. Dating apps have a lot to answer for. They have consumerised romance.

Yes thats true about the apps. A literal never ending swipe of women/men just a click away. Making people more disposable than ever.

artohmyletmehelp · 07/01/2025 23:46

friendsl · 06/01/2025 14:12

We went on three incredible dates. Lots of excitement and chemistry. He bought chocolates and flowers to one date.

Then he fell ill (he had a bad flu)...and later, told me he suddenly wasn't looking for a relationship, as he had a lot going on in his life (he has to change jobs etc) and asked if we could keep things open.

I didn't ask him what that meant, as I didn't want to know, and I felt disappointed after such amazing dates, it's a bit weird he suddenly switched.

But by open...I assume he meant to keep things casual and open to dating others? I'm just curious. I won't be going back to him, as I am looking for a relationship, and I am sick and tired of guys messing me around.

You're worth more than that OP. Trying to make you hanker...., get on with your life...

2025Y · 08/01/2025 00:07

friendsl · 06/01/2025 14:16

I keep wondering...did I do something to put him off? Why did he change?

This exactly. And 1-2 matches a week is a lot for a man.

He's a player.

Absolutely nothing to do with you. He's probably moved onto someone whose pants he can get into quicker.