Met a guy...

[friendsl]

We went on three incredible dates. Lots of excitement and chemistry. He bought chocolates and flowers to one date.

Then he fell ill (he had a bad flu)...and later, told me he suddenly wasn't looking for a relationship, as he had a lot going on in his life (he has to change jobs etc) and asked if we could keep things open.

I didn't ask him what that meant, as I didn't want to know, and I felt disappointed after such amazing dates, it's a bit weird he suddenly switched.

But by open...I assume he meant to keep things casual and open to dating others? I'm just curious. I won't be going back to him, as I am looking for a relationship, and I am sick and tired of guys messing me around.

How disappointing!
I agree he sounds like a bit of a love-bomber though, and I think he sees you as a trophy. I dated a man who was obsessed with my looks, and it took me quite a while to realise he doesn't really see women as actual people. Some men are just shallow and uninterested in anything deeper than physical attraction.
For what it's worth, I think you dodged a bullet and I'm glad you've got the good sense not to accept his offer!

Some men are just shallow and uninterested in anything deeper than physical attraction.

Sadly i am beginning to think it's most men...and online porn and dating apps just encourage it even more.

The weird thing is he didnt DTD first. Usually its come on strong, get the goods then disappear. If nothing else this guy seems half genuine in that he has told you about keeping it open now.

As for coming on strong, Christmas does funny things to people. Emotions run high.

I think it could be that he was aiming for a shag on the 3rd date. Probably putting on the charm until then.

It is a shame people behave this way but unfortunately I think it's a thing - future faking for a shag.

1-2 matches per week? How many dates per week, how many came to anything? Sounds like initial love-bombing then maybe he hasn't really the time or energy to invest in a proper relationship. Shiny surface, no depth..... You got away before you saw how shallow the water really was.

Maybe it's my self esteem, but I keep thinking did I say or do something he didn't like...and now just wants sex, or prefers someone else.

There was nothing to 'keep open' since you hadn't slept with him yet. He can't expect to carry on getting something he wasn't already.
He sounds shit with words from what you've said so could he perhaps have meant he wanted to put your dates on pause until he's sorted his shit out? He doesn't sound much of a catch tbh. Why sit questioning yourself over some mediocre man?

Why sit questioning yourself over some mediocre man? you're right. thanks. i think it's online dating and all the crap i have to go through...it eventually starts to wear you down unfortunately.

Most people are polite even if they arent feeling it. He obviously had a better/easier offer if he binned you off all of a sudden. But thats not to say theres anything wrong with you. Better to find out now.

Seriously op, you’re questioning what you might have done to put an ugly man off you?

He didn't bin me off though...he wants to keep things 'open'...which I suspect means sex. I told him I wasn't interested in anything other than a relationship

Haha thanks for the chuckle, I know, I'm just confused as to what happened....

I've heard a lot of stories and they all start : "Mister, I met a guy..."

Humphrey Bogart was right, these men have always been ten a penny. They just do what they do regardless of who they're with. You'll never know for sure what's going on with him because you don't know him and you aren't going to get to know him. And you don't need to - all you need is to recognise he's no use to you.

OP, nothing 'happened'. You didn't do anything to put him off.

My guess is that he enjoyed his dates with you, but perhaps now also has opportunities to go on dates with other people and has realised that maybe he'd just like to be free to go on dates and meet others rather than committing to a relationship.

Which, to be honest... is fair enough. He's allowed to rethink things. You only went on three dates.

He probably enjoyed your dates, but is aware that he might also enjoy dates with other women too. You haven't slept with him, so it's not as if he's been stringing you along for sex, and he's also been honest with you, so although I can see that it's disappointing for you, I really don't think you need to read too much into this.

You did absolutely nothing wrong to put him off!! If he was a decent guy and you had done something wrong he would have texted you to say that whilst he enjoyed your company, you weren’t for him and wished you best of luck.

The other, less likely, option is that he is a decent guy but feeling lost (hence needing a connection) and insecure (hence buying you flowers etc so you could like him). But deep down he knows he’s a mess and can’t handle a relationship so he’s hoping he'll get lucky and have you in his life whenever it suited him, without offering anything back. But my bet is on the first option

Maybe he’s realised you’re not an easy lay and he can’t be arsed.

Be thankful you’ve got out now. I had one of these and it went on for 3 months - total lovebombing, “I love you” within weeks, I was the best thing since sliced bread and he was planning a future, buying me gifts etc. Turned out he was a pathological liar - he was married! It was a total head fuck as he had taken me to his home and introduced me to his friends etc.

I spent far too long trying to figure him out and wondering “why”? The fact is it doesn’t matter why - he’s not what you’re looking for and be thankful he’s been honest that he’s not serious about you after 3 dates - not much time has been wasted, so onwards and upwards.

There is the chance he’s playing games and thinks that pulling back will make you more into him and questioning yourself - and if so it’s working.

Block and move on is honestly the best thing you can do here for your own sanity.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think you just want different things. Perhaps he met someone who was amenable to a casual arrangement, and chose the easier option. Most people are on best behaviour for the first few dates (or months) so you've not had a chance to see who he really is or decide whether you really like him. But you made it clear that you have standards, and maybe he knew he couldn't or didn't want to meet them.

Sometimes the unsuitable ones filter themselves out of you life. It's confusing when it happens, but it's good it's happened early on. I'd be wary of his offer to keep it "open" as it sounds like he's hedging his bets, possibly to keep you on the back-burner in case he gets rejected by someone else. Be very cautious if he changes his mind and wants you back!

When I broke up with the love of my life and was about to embark on dating other men he told me that I am a truly amazing woman, but I have to remember that I won’t always be everyone’s cup of tea.
That advice helped me massively to not lose my confidence whenever I got dumped. I would literally tell myself ‘’earl gray is often considered a nicer cup of tea than builders tea, and yet I prefer builders tea, so why can’t they prefer another woman over me’’. That doesn’t mean they left me for another woman, it’s just a general comment about choosing women to be with.
Some men become smitten with me and others don’t want to see me after a date or 2. How else could I explain this but by using the ‘tea’ comparison :)

He's allowed to change his mind, of course. And to prefer other women. If that's what's going on...hurts, ok, may dent my ego, but of course it's allowed.

But it's how it went from full steam ahead at 100mp to abruptly stopping and saying he can't offer anything other than to keep things 'open' that's given me whiplash and confusion.

You don’t know this guy - he could be a psychopath with split personalities for all you know!

Don’t try to analyse him - it could literally be one of a million things. His wife’s found out, he’s got a small willy and has chickened out bc he thinks it’s heading towards sex, you said something that put him off, he’s allergic to your perfume, he’s realised he’s secretly gay, his ex gf who he’s still in love with has got back in contact…etc

Youll never know so don’t sweat it - it’s highly likely the swift u-turn is everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.

Nothing happened, you didn't do anything wrong. Some men take flowers and chocolates on dates as matter of course.

Don't give him another thought. Just reply 'best we leave it here in that case. Take care'.

He enjoyed your company but doesn't want to continue, doesn't matter why as you don't know the guy after 3 dates.

Perhaps he really isn't ready to date, perhaps he thought you're great but not quite the one for him.

I'd rather have had a clear "thanks but no thanks' but people aren't always great at the endings part of dating hence ghosting etc. Don't take it personally, just move on. Don't build it onto something it wasn't.

*Waterboatlass *he hasn't ended it...he wants to keep things 'open' between us ?

I really think I would have had to ask what 'keep things open' meant.

Was the job change a surpise or had he already mentioned that? If he's particularly high flying or has a very niche job then I'd be thinking he meant he didn't want (or didn't think he'd have time) to date while he was settling in to his new job (does it involve a lot of travel or training initially perhaps?) but that he didn't want to close down the option of dating you again. If he just works a regular job, I'd just think he was being a dick!

It's a polite way of ending it so he doesn't feel bad about dumping you.

Either there's someone else he's more interested in and he's keeping you on the back burner just in case it doesn't work out, or he feels bad so he's trying to make it sound less harsh.

He's not interested and he won't be back in touch unless it's the first situation and the other one doesn't work out, in which you're still second best.

Also it sounds like you think he's not attractive and he's punching above his weight? If you're looking down on him like that he's obviously not right for you.

*AltitudeCheck *he works a regular job...and hadn't mentioned any problems or struggles beforehand. it's pretty obvious he just wants to get laid with no strings.