Confronting Cheating Spouse

[Nevershuddahappened]

So bit of a long story but my partner is cheating on me with a work colleague - 99.9% sure. Have hard evidence of staying away etc and lying about where they been with more to come - I need one last thing to make it complete which I should have soon. I'm beyond devastated about it all as it didn't have to be this way - I hate that I'm being deceived and when I confronted when I first suspected something was made to feel like I have trust issues. My question is how do you even confront with the evidence - is it good to hold stuff back etc?

He might refuse to talk with your sister there.

Often they storm out because they need time to warn OW, clean up their devices and social media and perhaps do some damage limitation.

I'll have her on standby near the house I think

I think this is between the two of you and you should discuss it that way, bringing a third party in won’t make the conversation more helpful.

Im not sure what you want to gain from topping up the “evidence” and laying it all out, are you worried he will convince you he hasn’t cheated?

Ultimately if you know he’s cheated you have to accept he may not ever admit it or he may minimise it, and that may never change no matter how much “evidence” you have.

If he’s revealed his character to you, you have to decide what you want to do with that information. But don’t expect him to give you the answers you want and don’t waste enormous amounts of energy arguing the toss.

@Nevershuddahappened Record the conversation- and get rid, you will never trust him again.

Are you affraid he will physically harm you, if you confront him?
Tbh rather get legal stuff sorted than have the confrontation. You know what you know and you have said he will gaslight you. There’s no value right now unless you are doing it to make him stop. And at this point they are usually so far gone that it’s better to just sort out your life the confront when you know what you want to achieve. Good luck, not as easy as it sounds I know :(

Thanks for all of the advice. Just as an update I did my final piece of evidence and it is dynamite. I did use a PI and my god did they get something - think hotel rendezvous and stolen kisses that kind of thing. Maybe not important to all but the other person is who I've suspected and I feel like I've been completely right - for me it's huge. I've been working on getting my ducks in row and will confront over next few days - all advice welcome (fairly sure this is end but until I hear what he has to say I can't say for sure)

What can he possibly say to make this 'not the end'? You say you have proof, what more do you need, just get rid of the cheating bastard!

It sounds like you're hoping for plausible deniability- which is understandable, you're devastated and don't want this to be true. But it sounds like you've got hard proof, so don't set yourself up to be taken for a fool.

How to approach it I think depends on what you want to get out of it - to hear the truth from him, warts and all? An apology? To try and reconcile? To watch him squirm? To prove you're right?

Depending on living situation and whether either of you can walk away you might consider the short sharp shock treatment - you leave while he's out, or you bag up his stuff and put it outside. Then say 'I know about Sharon, I have irrefutable proof. I want to hear it from you, so you tell me everything now and I might consider coming back / letting you back' (you obviously don't have to follow through with that).

Depending on what evidence you have, if what you're after is a full and frank confession to fill in the gaps for you, I wouldn't slap all the evidence down infront of him at first- I'd keep him guessing about what you actually have before showing your hand. 'I,e; I have hard proof of your affair with Sharon, this is your one chance to tell me your version of events'. I'd also print off anything you have - hard paper based evidence is more powerful than waving a phone screen around.

But if you just want to prove he's a liar before you walk away then by all means say 'I was being paranoid about Sharon was I?'- show him what you've got and then walk away.

Good luck, well done for outwitting this liar ❤️

What could he possibly say though?

That must've been really hard for you to see that evidence.

I know you’re going to want to hear his side of the story and to believe his excuses so much but the fact remains that he is cheating on you, was it really worth getting the pi if you are thinking of staying with him? He will spin you lies and sob story’s and probably make you feel like you drove him to it in the hope that you will stay. Be strong and move on xx

This!

I think a marriage can survive a short affair ended quickly but it very much depends on who you both are and what you’re both prepared to do to repair things. He’s already lied to you repeatedly and, in my experience, that’s pretty difficult to recover from because it’s multiple layers of deceit. No one has an affair based on one error of judgment.

i would recommend finding a very good counsellor to help you with through this either way - try to think long term - and good luck.

They still try and wriggle out of it. I had photographic proof and he told me it must have been photoshopped.

I hope you’re feeling better now that you have the proof. You can trust your gut and your mind because you know that you were right. You must keep reminding yourself of that, because he’ll no doubt tell you that it was a ‘one off’ and then you’ll start questioning yourself again and on it goes…

The best bit of advice I had was that I didn’t need to make a decision immediately. Give yourself some time and space to process all this before you decide whether to try and save your marriage. Though that doesn’t necessarily mean living under the same roof while you work it through. Do whatever you need to do. x

I don’t have much to add from what I said before. I’m sorry you are going through this. I think you are doing so well holding it in till the right time now you have proof. I imagine your emotions will be up and down. Stay strong, you can get through this & things will get better.

Sometimes we tie ourselves in knots trying to get proof and confessions. It can be quite powerful to just decide to end a marriage because he is no longer worthy of you.

OP / anyone else - in case you're tempted by this, almost all people who offer this are scammers... and it's illegal.

Have you confronted him yet?

If you stay with him, you will NEVER trust him and your life will be spent questioning him, worrying he’s at it again and it will be utterly miserable as your self esteem dwindles to nothing.

Hold your head high, keep your powder dry and get all of your ducks in a row before smashing him with divorce papers.

He’s an absolute cunt!