Confronting Cheating Spouse

[Nevershuddahappened]

So bit of a long story but my partner is cheating on me with a work colleague - 99.9% sure. Have hard evidence of staying away etc and lying about where they been with more to come - I need one last thing to make it complete which I should have soon. I'm beyond devastated about it all as it didn't have to be this way - I hate that I'm being deceived and when I confronted when I first suspected something was made to feel like I have trust issues. My question is how do you even confront with the evidence - is it good to hold stuff back etc?

It's the absolute fear of my marriage ending and being accused of being unstable and more denial (I'm not as when you put everything together you could see it from mars) that is holding me back - how can you be so cruel to someone you supposedly love - a quickie in some dingy room could never be worth it

I get the wanting proof to confront, but I can only say from my experience, even with evidence they both still lied and twisted things - I’d been asking for months if something was going on (ex and my best friend) they made me feel I was going mad.
I saw some text messages (not proud of snooping but ‘needed proof’ he deleted a lot so nothing concrete in the texts but still inappropriate) and they still lied but I asked him to leave. He did. For another month they both declared their innocence until it finally came out (help from mutual friends who had been used as alibis unknowingly).

I completely understand your fear, they make you think it’s all in your head, but honestly, you know the truth deep down, you don’t need the evidence to end things but I get why you want the proof and that it will help your argument.

im so sorry youre going through this, its awful. As for telling the affair partners husband, it’s tricky. Having been cheated on, I would 100% want to be told, but I’ve seen it backfire for others. I would maybe suggest she tell her husband and that you will not lie for her. Do you know the husband well? That would sway the option for me, if I knew him, I’d have to say I think. Or maybe tell him your suspicions, it’s up to him if he takes that further.

good luck to you, it’s not easy navigating something like this (I’ll admit I was an absolute mess and i didn’t handle things best I could in retrospect) but you will be happier in the end. I almost felt relief once I had ‘proof’ and admissions because that gut feeling mixed with their deceit, gaslighting and denial is a tough bloody gig!

you will get through it and settle in to your new normal, lots of hugs

I understand where OP is coming from. But you don’t need the evidence to leave.

Just one thing though - are you a SAHM (haven’t RTFT yet) dependent on his wage? If so just be careful - if this blows up and his employer finds out they won’t look kindly on these people pissing the working hours away fiddling when they should be working. He could end up sacked and then you’d have no funds to rely on.

I know that might be last thing on your mind atm but just something to consider.

If you get evidence I’d certainly be tempted to stick copy photos through the door addressed to OWs husband.

What do you want to happen when you tell him you know 100% of his infidelity? You say you don't want your marriage to end, but what if he confesses and leaves? What if he leaves anyway?

Is there any way to catch them together?

My friend’s DH denied everything, until she actually saw them one day.

If he goes then he goes but the reality is both of us work and earn roughly the same so not dependent but couldn't maintain the life we have now and the disruption for the kids feels hellidh

I've thought about this - I could prove misuse of company property and time (not to mention using colleagues as excuses) but I don't think I could actually go through with it - if the other partner found out though I couldn't say what they would do. I do keep thinking that the other partner could actually find out too - it's not just me

@Nevershuddahappened its whether you’d be relying on his wages. If you aren’t I’d be sorely tempted to just do it. But I think it also depends on the age of your kids - whatever happens between you two, your children will be caught in the middle (and hers) and it could be even more devastating if their dad ends up with no job.

Sorry - I mean this gently, I realise I sound like I may be standing up for him but I’m really not. If they’ve been boffing in a cupboard it’s seedy and it’s disgraceful behaviour. And disgusting for colleagues that are working nearby. And you’re understandably very upset.

I’ve worked with people like your H. Trust me - if it is happening then a lot of others at work will know. If he’s a manager people won’t want to say anything. But it’s usually like the worst kept secret.

You need to focus on you, how you will manage financially, and emotionally, and do what is best for you and the kids.

The cruelty of the affair is just as bad as H gaslighting you. Once he leaves that feeling you’re unstable will go and you can start grieving for the man you thought he was. I’m so sorry you are going through this @Nevershuddahappened

Just read your earlier post which says you’re working and earning the same. I know your standard of living would be tighter but have you looked at benefits support you would get? Think how stressed you feel now, how much upset and turmoil he’s causing. Is it worth life being a bit tighter financially to be free from his stress? It would get easier in the future, you might feel like you’re thriving in time.

Where would you like to be, in life, in another three or four years?

This sounds ridiculous considering but I still love him and would miss him - I feeld daft saying but was looking at old pictures, cards etc and just can't believe we wouldn't share a future together - whatever happens it feels like someone has died

@Nevershuddahappened i know. I’ve been in that position (family friend was OW so double betrayal). I really do understand. It’s awful - you grieve who you thought they were, and a future that won’t look how you hoped it would.

Serious question - if he moved work would you consider working on things to see if it’s salvageable? No need to decide immediately, and he’d need to be remorseful so a lot would hinge on his reaction.

If you need support with this there’s a site called Surviving Infidelity that may help. But the ultimate outcome depends on, initially, how you feel.

I know that sounds an odd thing to say based on previous replies. Could you maybe source some therapy for yourself individually too? It might help process your thoughts.

It does make you feel heartbroken.

You’re a strong woman and you can do whatever you want to. Put yourself first - the kids will adapt and you sound like a good mum, so do what you think is best. Just don’t let him trample on your feelings.

Been there done that for the T-shirt.
Partner not husband tho but almost 6 years together.

Once you ready to confront him, be confident. Just say - wtf is this. Regardless what he say, or don't say, tell him you want divorce. Pack him in black bin bags and that's that.

It's really hard at first, but I promise it gets easier over time. There is someone out there who deserves your love and attention. Life is too short to be wasted on cheaters (both men and women) ✌🏻

Please tell me that your didnt stay with this wanker.

How are you waiting for proof? Have you got a private investigator involved?

I am sorry.

When you say there were problems in the marriage, what were they? whatever they were if does not excuse cheating but the it may be that you will be lots happier without him in the long run

Yes of course you feel like someone has died ! You have lost the man you thought you were married to - one who was honest and decent and faithful. Instead you have someone you don’t know sharing a bed with you .

And you have lost the future you thought you would have . Even in the unlikely event you decide to stay with him , it will never be the same again, you will never be able trust him.

And you have lost at least part of your past . Now you are wondering about all these special times you shared and thinking “ was he thinking of another woman at that time time ? “ When he said he was working late, was he in fact with her? “

So yes it’s a terrible shock and loss. You must be devastated.

Amd it’s not ridiculous that you still love him - you can’t trun off your feelings overnight. He’s has months to do this ( or perhaps even years , who knows ).

Your reaction is completely normal under the circumstances.

You do it in such a way that he knows your evidence is 100% correct. A male friend of mine did it to his cheating wife and she was relieved to be caught, moved out and moved in with the other man. Madness.

I had a friend years ago who did a big confrontation.

She found out he had been having an affair while she was getting treatment for breast cancer ( she was only in her 30s and they had no kids ).

She said nothing to him but went and got legal advice , got divorce papers drawn up , confronted her husband with the evidence , handed him the divorce documents and walked out.

She had already packed up her bags and put them in the car and arranged to go and stay with her family.

She got her divorce, then met someone else a few years later , they married, had a child and she had a good career. She is still well and happily married 30 year later.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It would be worth getting legal advice if you can so you understand your position. Also some counselling & talking to at least one person IRL.

Think about what would make you leave and what would mean you’d want to try to give it a go. Be aware this choice may be taken out of your hands if he decides to leave.

When you do confront make sure you are as calm as you can be & the DC are not around.

As a PP has said, I would withhold some of what you know and ask for a full disclosure of what’s been going on explaining that if you don’t get complete honesty then you are definitely leaving. If anything you know is missed out then you know he will continue to lie to you.

Also realise that you can never ‘unknow’ things. I am sure you want to know the full extent now but down the line it may be that this is not actually helpful eg how many times they have been physical (if applicable).

I would think about what you gain by telling her DH. I know you feel it is kind to tell them but that isn’t always the case. It will blow his world apart.

The worst of all worlds is you trying to make it work but after a time him leaving for OW anyway. However, I completely understand wanting to stay as you still love him & possibly being worried about what the future would hold without him.

Huge hugs. Stay strong. You’ve got this.

Genuine question when I confront should I do it alone or ask someone else to be there - I could ask my sister

Do you think he will turn violent? If I were you, I would be planning for every possible response he may have. If you think it would help then yes, you could ask your sister.

Said wanker just asked me for help with today‘s Connections.

Yes ask your sister she will also help you remember parts of the conversation as you will be so anxious you may forget. Good luck you've got this girl

I think I might - Im guessing I'll just be getting gas lighted so another person who can challenge that is important - I don't want to I just want it to be the 2 of us talking and having the talk we need to have

He’s had chances to come to you and give you the truth you deserve previously. If he hasn’t already, there’s a horrid likelihood that he’ll continue with the gaslighting and lies, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your sister to be there. If he is remorseful/wants to work things out, I really, really recommend counselling is a condition of that, and you get there as quick as possible. There are YouTube videos (Affair Recovery) your DH could watch which explain why not being truthful is not achieving what he thinks it is.