Confronting Cheating Spouse

[Nevershuddahappened]

So bit of a long story but my partner is cheating on me with a work colleague - 99.9% sure. Have hard evidence of staying away etc and lying about where they been with more to come - I need one last thing to make it complete which I should have soon. I'm beyond devastated about it all as it didn't have to be this way - I hate that I'm being deceived and when I confronted when I first suspected something was made to feel like I have trust issues. My question is how do you even confront with the evidence - is it good to hold stuff back etc?

Is this your husband or partner?
If you have proof why do you feel the need to confront them, just walk away.
Do you have children together.
Do you have tied financial responsibilities, a mortgage in both names, bills, loans, cars....

I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't tell him everything I knew and if anyone has confirmed it, I would keep their name out of it for as long as possible. I think if you want the relationship to end you need to just say, "I know you're having an affair and I want you to move out." Say it face to face if that's safe. If you message him then you are giving him time to come up with excuses and denials.

What's your living and family situation like?

I wouldn’t torture myself with waiting for the 1% proof, you already know so I wouldn’t confront him I would just walk away from the relationship with your head held high. Why wait? You already know he gaslit you before so I wouldn’t confront take the wind from his sails and end it.

if you're hoping that the last piece of evidence will mean he'll break down, admit everything and beg for forgiveness, i think you may well be disappointed.

any evidence you have should be to soothe your own peace of mind after asking him to leave.

As @MounjaroOnMyMind says, if you had made your mind up that the relationship is over. Simply tell them you know of the affair and that your relationship is ended, move out/cut ties with them.

I tried to confront mine one when I thought something was going on, they denied it multiple times, deflected onto me and that I must be cheating. Our relationship issues were my fault... Bla bla bla.

Barely 2 weeks after I ended it with him, and about 2 days after he moved out, he was spouting all over the internet about his new relationship

So in my experience, if he's lying to you now, he'll lie to your face too. And if he doesn't, does that really change your outlook on the situation?

Id not put my energy into a big confrontation . It might make me feel good for 5 mins.

Id put my energy into getting the best possible deal for me on the way out ( I’m assuming that you are married / live together and have kids .

Id he’s just a casual BF then I might risk a showdown if I thought I’d win. But probably I’d email him the evidence and block . I CBA with him telling me that I was wrong and it wasn’t what I thought blah blah blah.

You don’t need concrete evidence. I voiced my suspicions and he did the usual, and tried to make me out to be mad. I became obsessed with trying to find proof, but he was a snidey clever bastard. I went through four years of hell before his tart sent me a naked picture of him and I could finally break free.

Only straight afterwards, once I had the confidence of knowing I wasn’t mad or imagining it, did I realise that I didn’t need that proof. I could and should have left years earlier. It was only my ego, and my need and determination to prove that I was right, that kept me there.

Just leave, and take back your life. x

Thanks all - it's husband and yes kids involved. I get what your all saying but this last thing I get will confirm who the affair is with and will be something they cannot deny. I don't what I want just now other than some truth after being lied to so much

@Nevershuddahappened I understand that need

Not sure if it matters by affair partner is also married with kids

I think that you'd be better off making plans for how life is going to work once he's gone. Do you work? will he leave easily or will he refuse to go, in your opinion? What needs to be done in order to keep your children calm and supported?

If you plan to leave the marriage (I would), wait for the evidence you need (not necessary, but if you want it for yourself then by all means wait for it), then just tell him the marriage is over and then make all the plans necessary to make that happen.

If you want to work on the marriage and keep it, I would sit him down and tell him you know he is having an affair and that he must tell you every piece of information NOW if he wants to continue the marriage. If he does that to your satisfaction, then proceed as you want to. If he does not do that, then no hope as far as I'm concerned.

I wish you luck, OP. How awful for you.

What is the last one thing you're waiting for ?

It's too outing but it could include photographic evidence

Does who it is with make a difference as to whether you will want to split or not
or is any cheating the final straw?

There were problems but cheating was not on my radar until recently

Sounds awful OP. So sorry you’re going through this.
There’s a few children involved and that’s really sad. Does the photographic evidence include both of them together?

I would try and focus on leaving if the marriage is beyond repair. But you don’t need all the proof to leave. It’s your life and your decision!

Did they travel for work together?

It does in a way as I think there has been an EA that may have turned physical

I also wondering whether to tell the affair partners husband if I know or use that as a lever to get the some kind of truth

No it's been sneaking out during the working day

Are you leaving? If you are, start preparing yourself now while awaiting this 'crucial evidence'.
If you're already 99% sure, there's no point twiddling your thumbs while waiting. Get everything in order, so you can present the evidence and end the relationship.

If you're staying, start thinking about what you'll need from him to continue, so you can present your expectations going forward. Doesn't hurt to be clear now on what you need, as there'll inevitably be a lot of minimising, brushing under the carpet, taking the affair underground bullshit to come...

That’s a bit blasé isn’t it! Do you know someone who saw them?

If he found a new job would you try and work things out?

Can you catch them in the act if you know when and where it's going on? No need for evidence then, caught red handed!

Try the website Surviving Infidelity. You'll find a lot of support there.

Hi there OP.

I was in quite similar shoes to you. The slight difference was that her DH found out first and he rang my DH, telling him that if my DH didn’t tell Meg he would.

BUT. All he’d found were some inappropriate text messages. DH lied and lied, insisting that’s all it was.

I eventually needed the help of the OWs DH to expose the full truth, which happened in a big confrontation. He came home to find me waiting at the kitchen table.

For me, my number one mistake was not taking the time to decide what was and what wasn’t a red line for me in terms of the extent of the cheating. The only red line I knew was that if he continued to lie, I was gone. My bags were already in my car, but I didn’t tell him that. I got everything ready (paper work, passwords, essentials) to be able to leave.

But he got me with a curve ball.

As soon as he got in and realised what was happening he said “I’ll tell you, but only if you promise not to leave”. My second biggest mistake, and the thing I still regret today is I agreed. What I SHOULD have said is that I’m promising nothing to someone who has broken our contract. That if he loved me, he would give me the truth. And then I should have walked out.

A mistake I made was I also couldn’t help but blurt out any inconsistency/anything I caught him out in. I was just so desperate for the truth. I wanted it, whether I needed to spoon feed him or hold a gun to his head. So all the truth I did get is tainted because he didn’t give it to me willingly. With hindsight, I should have removed myself for a while and waited for counselling to start. there are online resources (affair recovery) which explain how very painful drip feeding of disclosure.

urgh. A bit of an overshare later:

• decide what you want/what you are willing to accept
• be ready to leave/remove him pretty much immediately. Even if you don’t end it, he might
• counselling is essential
• Discovery destroys a relationship, but disclosure might save it. Give him a chance to disclose.
• remain calm. Big, steady breaths. Hold yourself above it. I tried my very hardest to not “punish” each disclosure when they did happen, but to let him know I appreciated his honesty.
• Tell a friend. It took me too long to tell someone in person.
• Write things down. It really helped me to process things, spot inconsistency and stop myself being sucked into a bit of gaslighting.
• get a STD test.
• I was so grateful to OW’s DH for insisting that I be told, if I ever find myself in this position again, I’ll tell the other party without hesitation.

A phrase that has helped me so much, when trying to work out if I’m being fed bullshit, is “make it make sense”.