He says 'no spark', what now?

[friendtodinosaursx]

I'm 29 (F) and my partner is 32 (M).
We've been together 2 years and have lived together for a year of that time. Recently, it's felt like we've been more like friends than anything else and if I'm honest I feel like my love isn't reciprocated. We spoke about the situation a while ago and he said it's because he thinks he's depressed and took up a hobby which seemed to help him but not necessarily our relationship. The topic came up today (I was upset, he showed little emotion). I can honestly say I am putting in the same amount of effort as I always have done and he says he loves me but just feels 'numb' to our relationship. When I said that 'numb' means you feel nothing, he said I was putting words in his mouth.

I don't know what to do. The logical part of me says if it's only been two years and it's already like this then where can we go from here? My heart is saying give it more time. I just want to be wanted and loved back in the same way and I don't know what to do, I feel pathetic and alone and ridiculous.

Just some advice please, I don't mind how harsh x

If there’s nothing now? Then why will there be something later on? You deserve someone who can love you and show you warmth. If he can’t do that, then you should end it with him and either stay as friends or cut contact.

Oh- I’m so sorry. The pain is so obvious from your post. I’m a lot older than you and what I will say is that these things rarely get better with time; the logical part of you is right. I know it sounds patronising, but you really do have so much time to get out there and meet someone who isn’t “numb” to your relationship but is really enthusiastic about being with you and all you have to offer. Don’t settle for this.

If it’s like this at 2yrs I question whether it has longevity & if you’re just pals, why are you willing to waste your time?

Been with my DH for 4 years and it just gets better & better. I didn’t know relationships could be like this but they really can!

Don’t settle! I spent too long with the wrong people.

You're relationship has run its course and he couldn't be clearer.

I truly do feel this way. He however has said that he doesn't think this should be the end but it's just such mixed messages that my mind is all over the place. It's good to hear from people without emotions involved that are thinking clearly!

@friendtodinosaursx so, so sorry, this is so painful to go through. As soon as you can come to term with it, the best thing to do will be to rip off the band aid and cut him loose. I am so sorry to say that he sounds lame, but also, he is playing you for a fool, something stinks: choose yourself honey!

He is pushing you to finish it because he doesn’t have the stomach for it. Sorry OP

Thank you, your words are so kind. I wrote this post in tears because my mind is all over the place. I am just so confused by it all, he says he feels numb towards our relationship and then in the next breath says he loves me. I know in my head what I need to do but it doesn't feel easy.

This is such cruel, manipulative behaviour - and don't think he doesn't know it. Watch out for this one, 5 minutes after you get rid he'll 'realise what he has lost' and beg you to take him back. Absolutely save yourself, do not waste anymore of your precious life with this person.

Narcissistic behaviour. Narcs have no empathy so when you’re crying or ill they don’t care or seem to care. He may not have all the attributes, but he’s probably got some so you might want to look it up!
You’re young enough and you’re full of doubt, get out whilst you can.

I feel so stupid that this hasn't even crossed my mind. Sadly it makes a lot of sense, I'm just in such a mess. Longing for it to get better, it's only been two years but I'm head over heels and he's the first person I've ever taken the step to live with - in my mind he's the best thing in the world but when I said to him that I would be heartbroken without him he said he'd just 'have to get on with it' if we split because that's how he is. I feel so helpless and just completely lost.

What was it like in the beginning op, all
loved up or content? 2 years imo is still quite new.

Very loved up - in fact at the start he was far more interested than me! I was besotted by him quite quickly as he was so kind and caring and made me feel so special, it did all seem honest and true at the time. Now when I look back, it's like a different person and when I ask what I can do to get that back he says that was just a 'honeymoon phase' which at first I brushed off but how can that be right when it's only been 2 years?

Op I don’t necessarily agree that he knows what he’s doing and this is a narcissistic thing- if it is honestly (as in really) depression then he might just be going through the motions of life and is finding the spark for different things as he gets better but he’s compartmentalised everything and unfortunately you, his rock and the most important part of his life, is still closed off. I don’t know, it’s unfair for you to have to wait for a day when his eyes open and unfair that he doesn’t see it as the end but isn’t willing to give you the confirmation that he thinks you can get back on track x

I disagree with you @stayathomer a 32 years old man knows that saying 'I don't feel anything' and 'I love you' in the same conversation is: cruel and; will cause mind-fuck. Whatever is going on he doesn't have to be so casually cruel with OP's feelings.

Jumborollers

Definitely definitely definitely not saying it’s not cruel, it’s so cruel, but if he is honestly depressed he honestly might just be saying it with no thought of what he’s doing. (Men seem to switch off and I don’t know that we’ll ever understand because it is cruel but I don’t know that it’s on purpose or they even know)

Sounds like he pursued you and love bombed you in the beginning and now you’ve moved in and he feels like he’s got you, he’s letting his mask slip and his true colours are showing. He is being very manipulative and it’s probably intentional so you will beg him to give the relationship another try/work on it. He will love that you’re giving him so much attention and control. I would be speaking to your family if you can about staying with them till you get another place. Or ask friends if they know of anyone looking for a flatmate. You could also go online and find a flat share and just get your stuff together and move. As pp said, I bet he comes back asking for another chance, he’s sorry, he made a mistake. If he does, tell him to fuck off, you’ve found your own spark and he’s too dull for a woman like you.
Seriously, this is bullshit from him and you deserve way better than someone who treats you so shitty. It might be hard now as you’ll grieve the relationship and future you had hoped for but there’s a better one for you out there. And next time, keep your place and don’t move in with the next guy. Know your worth and make sure you get treated accordingly.

Is he getting help for his depression?

@friendtodinosaursx has he sought a medical diagnosis or support for his depression? If not it’s unlikely to improve on its own (if that’s genuinely the cause).

I think there is a misconception about what the ‘honeymoon phase’ is in a relationship. Yes at the start you might have nervous energy and a lot of firsts but as your relationship becomes established you should still experience joy at being with the other person, happiness and excitement are still normal emotions to have in a long term relationship. This combined with feelings of security, contentment and a shared future should ultimately be better than the beginning. He should still make you feel loved and special.

He is being unkind by giving you such mixed messaging. You need to establish if he actually sees a future with you and if so how does he intend to achieve that because currently he is steering you towards ending things.

But he is not reciprocal so you need to say - listen this is tough, but I’m a great person and I need someone who loves me for me and emotionally connects to me - so we need to talk about us finishing. I would like to stay living here - how do you feel about moving out?

he doesn’t love you - end of. Hold your head up high, finish it and move it - you can find someone else.

As PP said, he just wants you to split up with him. Men do this because they don’t want to hurt your feelings by being the one to end it. (Yes it’s cowardly but it’s better than dealing with all the tears etc). Do both of you a favour and call it a day. He will still be sad but you can’t salvage it unfortunately.

This is awful for you OP. Can you pinpoint when it started to change? Was it after moving in together?

You're 29. Don't waste your precious years on this man, hoping it will get better. If he's 'numb' now and not making an effort, it's unlikely he ever will. Get out now and find someone who deserves your love.

Sorry still not a acceptable 😁this is the kind of bollocks my generation used to go through. Happily for my DD and her friends, a man behaving in that way would discredit himself as a partner, they'd roll their eyes and walk away. It's just a pathetic attempt to dump your unprocessed shit on someone you should respect. (in this instance and for whatever it's worth, I think that man has met someone 'sparky' through his new hobby and wants OP to process his shit for him so he can find his backbone and leave her, of course I might be wrong)

It shouldn't be like this, and it won't be when you meet the right guy. Hurts I know but better to end it now. You're still young and will have got something out of this relationship but good to know now that he's not the right one for you long term and to call it a day. You can regroup and find someone who is more than a friend for life and sparks aplenty.

This was me 30 years ago. I moved in with the man I thought I was going to marry. He turned really cold and I was confused and hurt. He refused to talk. One day I just had enough and told him it was over. He cried like a baby. It turned out he'd been sleeping with someone behind my back, she was pregnant and he didn't know how to tell me. He thought he'd just be vile to me so I'd finish with him, so he wouldn't look like the bad guy.

I was absolutely devastated at the time but am so glad I dumped him when I did. I knew things weren't right. My lovely dad helped me move my stuff out. He may have accidentally walked mud all over the newly fitted cream carpet.

You're only 29 OP. Run as fast as you can. You've got plenty of time to find someone who'll love and respect you forever. Don't stick with a loser who's given up after 2 years.