A torn heart....serious long term but ended affair and long term marriage.

[Muddled54]

Name change for this one for obvious reasons...

I left my loving, soulmate affair partner of nearly a year (friends and colleagues for many years before this) to work on what I realised in comparison was a transactionally functioning but emotionally shallow marriage after confessing the affair to my suspecting spouse. If I’m honest I think I subconsciously hoped my husband would then instigate a divorce but instead, being understandably traumatised, he expressed that he’d rather committing suicide, actually waved paracetamol packets in front of me, than live without me. So I decided after 35 years together in an OK but not closely connected marriage, I owed it to him and our three grown up children to stay in the family unit and see why we weren’t connecting as I had managed for the first time in my life with my affair partner.

I knew I’d still have connection with my ex affair partner through work and think subconsciously I knew this meant I'd never 100% had to let him go, although would have drastically reduced contact at my spouse's understandable insistance. My spouse, having been so hurt I sense wanted to see that I was prepared to cause my affair partner and friend pain to show allegiance to him and I am ashamed to say that in my shock at the time I ghosted and gave my affair partner little/no proper closure and followed my husband's demands - he'd read up all about no contact in healing affair situations and I feel wanted me to apply everything that he believed would inflict pain on my affair partner as justly deserved punitive measures. I now feel I handled this tricky situation in an inhumane, inauthentic way as as a child from a broken marriage myself I now see my elderly father so much happier with his second marriage than he ever was with my mum who is also a good person but just they didn't connect I now realise.

My ex affair partner now has told me that this uncomfortable, artificial minimalist contact at work and also my decision of recommitting to my marriage is causing him so much stress and hurt that he wants to resign to allow himself and my marriage distance to heal if that truly is my choice. Now I am finally facing losing the one person on this planet who seemed to ‘get me’ and I feel full of regret and confusion. I did try and speak to my husband at the very first instance the affair started becoming physical and when I knew I had fallen deeply in love with my affair partner - I told my spouse that I had stopped loving him in a way that married people should but still had familial love for him, but his initial reaction was so extreme, again talk of suicide, that the affair continued in secret. Honestly as friends and lovers we were like magnets drawn together- it is not something I understand myself nor had experienced before this. there was nothing fancy about what we did - just walking in each other's company seemed like heaven and i felt for the first time on my life the joy of not feeling alone on some level on this planet. I am bereft but don’t know if I have the strength to handle a suicidal spouse, and the domestic upheaval and potential family fallout all at the same time if I end the marriage…and now having so badly hurt my loving, tender affair partner, he probably could never trust me any more for not seeing through ending the marriage when I should have done, right at the start of realising I’d fallen in love with him.

So bereft, so depressed, so stuck…I feel I’m giving up love with my soulmate out of duty for my loving, hurt husband and sense of duty to work on the marriage as he has asked. Has anyone else experienced this and did the marriage survive and repair once total no contact occurred with a truly loved affair partner? And as an alternative possible ending, if the marriage ends as healing proves impossible and you try at a later stage to reconnect with an ex affair partner you’d rejected and badly hurt, could that relationship recover or does that betrayal (yes, I feel I’ve betrayed my living affair partner in trying to recommit to my husband in all ways (psychologically and sexually!) leave too deep a scar? My husband knows how deeply I felt for the affair partner but he feels family and marriage vows trump all and if he's willing to try to forgive and understand why we didn't connect enough to prevent me finding a beautiful connection through an affair, I owe it to him after such a long marriage to try and work on it too.

Excellent post.

Exactly and he might have felt suicidal at the time, but it's interesting because I've never heard someone who makes threats like that to then take it back afterwards which means the threat is always there lingering.

I'm afraid I couldn't spend another day under the same roof as someone who used suicide threats as a method of control.

@Muddled54

You say emotionally shallow marriage then my loving, hurt husband??!

I utterly agree.

If ever there was an example of the utter cognitive dissonance going on in a cheater's head it is here.

I'm so happy for her husband and hope he has a bright future ahead.

@tigglywink you’re missing the point entirely because I’m actually agreeing with you about it being pointless IF the unfaithful person is being forced. False reconciliation is pointless but that has nothing to do with the advice. Advice not followed and lied about is the real problem, not the advice. Believing a cheat who is still lying is the problem, not the things the chest is promising to do.
I assure my friend I’ve fixed the fault on my car according to the rules about fixing the fault, but I’m lying. They ask to borrow my car and the car breaks down and they’re stranded.
Will my friend blame the rules about fixing the car being rubbish, or me?

You’re missing the point that people who genuinely want to do something for the right reasons don’t have to be ‘advised’ to do it. They know they shouldn’t be cheating! They don’t need to be told to stop. They carry on because they want to. The minute you have to tell or advise them to it’s already over. That’s why it’s rubbish advice - because it’s pointless!

The advice for total no contact during reconciliation is spot on. Reconciliation is a no go unless this is wholeheartedly and willingly followed. It's the very basis that sets the scene for the spirit with which the betraying party show their commitment to changing.

Reconciliation is not for the faint hearted or partially committed and having given themselves permission to have an affair means the betrayer has already proved their lack of commitment. A completely different person has to emerge from the process.

A disconnected marriage is the responsibility of both parties. Your DH felt the lack of connection as much as you did. He had dysfunctional coping mechanisms (as evidenced by the suicide threat), you had dysfunctional coping mechanisms (as evidenced by the affair).

A connected marriage starts with lots of painful honesty and this requires learning new coping mechanisms in parallel.

You need to leave your husband and be with your love. U are going to get folk saying you should be stuck with your husband but life is too bloody short to live a lie. You have been honest with ur husband. U haven't lied all the way you come clean. You have since given it a go to stay away from affair man and you both still clearly ant to be together. Your husband is the victim in it all but he deserves the truth too. How he deals with it all is another story. You need to make your mind up once and for all and stick to it

"something in me needed some sort of connection that he just couldn't find a way to give me and I couldn't find a way to show him how to give me a sense of being more deeply connected."

The reason he couldn't find a way to give you it was very likely your own inability to be vulnerable with him.

It's much easier to vulnerable (at the beginning) with a new person as their is a "fake" bubble of safety (not built on deep trust yet)

After a while, all couples have negative experiences with each other and as the Honeymoon phase hormonal state (this time accentuated by the excitement of the affair) ends, they can choose either to build walls or do the uncomfortable work of sharing their feelings of hurt and despite this reinforcing the relationship in positive ways.

The work of a marriage is to learn how to be vulnerable despite your own fears.

It will be the same work with the new post affair partner. He has dysfunctions to heal just as you have. Different one to your DH. You will progressively discover as real life hits.

Unless you change wholeheartedly and become consistently committed, positive and vulnerable including when it's difficult, it won't last.

Difficult subject to speak about but in many cases whereby the bertrayer wants out free from concience many of them don't give shit. The height of their wants and desires trumps all mercy and quite frankly it would solve a much needed problem, emotionally and financially.

Do you honestly fel that someone who can lie, decieve and cheat has the integrity not to have such dark thoughts of such a solution.

@PineConeOrDogPoo

Are you a councillor ? Because if so I find your posts a little niave and quite patronising, this couple have been married for 35 years, together even longer and it seems you are advocating the pick me dance, with the demise of the marriage firmly laid at both parties feet. I find that very damaging to a victim's mental health.
You have taken betrayal as being in the same arena as problems within a marriage to be solved, utter madness and insulting to be quite honest, please don't spout this nonsence to victims of betrayal.

And it's rediculous to compare a union of that length to a friendship, which occured through daily working life with op idolising and fancying this man, waiting for an opportunity for him to become available and when he did she has jumped at the chance of sucumbing to him. Your talk of fake bubbles, connecting and vunerability shows your immaturity on these matters, you cannot destroy the respect of a long marriage by trying to problem solve it comparing it to a affair, it's a different ball game and many older women would find it rediculous to even compare that type of love with the love which evolves through a lifetime together.

This new love is not an equal love, her ap already has the upperhand, she is throwing away a life, a lifetime and her family for a man with a lack of morals and integrity and she's using every trick in the book to make that happen.

It just sounds like a man out of her league has snapped his fingers and she's lost her reasoning and is doing everything to align herself to him. there are no real possitives in this apart from some heightened feelings which will inevitably die down.

I'm sure it's cathartic to get it all out, but it's not as complicated as you seem to think.

In a nutshell it's - woman in a stale marriage, which has never really fulfilled her needs. Gets into an affair with her 'soul mate' , decides to give her marriage another go, husband threatens suicide rather than lose her.

They give counselling a try but between them they decide the marriage is over.

All I'd advise is don't see your 'other man' as the solution.
Having an affair when in a stale marriage is not the same as meeting someone post-divorce, after time on your own.

Affairs are exciting, forbidden fruit, full of 'dreams' and not rooted in the reality of putting out the bins, managing finances, sharing day to day life.

Once you're through the divorce, have time on your own, be your own woman and decide only then if you want your affair man in your life. And take it slowly.

Greener grass and all that!

Are you writing for Mills and Boon OP? What a load of twaddle.

It's obvious you need to leave your husband, but please, stop with the flowery language.

You shagged someone outside of your marriage, no matter how you dress it up.

You cannot give in to your husband's blackmail.

Come clean to your kids and they can be there to support their dad.

I'm not a counsellor (and I'm not advising her husband so I can't be advising a Pick Me dance? )

My opinion is that affairs like this one (due to 'disconnection') don't happen in fulfilled, connected marriages. It's not her husband's fault that she had an affair, that's on her. However, it's on both of them that they didn't address the disconnection.

As she is the one writing, I was only giving my thoughts on how she has contributed to the disconnection.

I think that she is looking in the wrong place to address this problem (an affair partner), she needs to learn new tools of painful honesty with herself and another person. She needs to learn to have the courage to ask for what she wants from a partner and she likely also needs to give more to her partners.

I recognise it is unfair how it turns out for the betrayed party.

Still, I think angry posts (that often originate in a triggered state due to having been historically on the receiving end of being rejected) don't really help the rejecting party understand themselves.

I think OP is just human a being and probably has low self esteem, despite being the rejecting party; acting angrily or judgmentally towards her is not going to help.

The victim is not writing here for support. They would get a different message.

Well put. It's not complicated. A break with deep self reflection is in order. I think you wouldn't make a "great" partner for anyone right now although that is not said to be mean or nasty.

Affairs are deceptive. The people involved create bonds based on secrecy. The other partners become scapegoats, leading to relational aggression and portraying the other person (DH-DW) as the villain. This is the secret plot or reasoning of those involved in the affair.
It's a pretty decrepit act. The DH in this case has made an emotional appeal via the threat of suicide in an attempt to keep his marriage alive.
It is all an unfortunate and sickening end to a vow of commitment made 3 decades ago.

Thanks @PineConeOrDogPoo

Also @Muddled54 I'd bear in mind the 'other man' may have very conflicting emotions now.

You are no longer 'forbidden fruit' but 'available'.
This can make a huge difference to how he feels.

He may also feel guilty at being a factor in your marriage break up (no matter how bad your marriage was anyway- he was still a catalyst.)

He may find that hard to cope with and not want to feel 'obliged' to run off into the sunset with you.

It will all be on a very different footing to when you were married.

The classic advice is leave if you can contemplate being on your own (single) and that will be better than a marriage that's not working - but not because you assume the other man/woman will fill the gap left by your ex.

I'm sure you've thought of this already.

What on earth is 'relational aggression'?

I don't agree with the language you're using.

Unhappy marriages don't consist of villains or victims like some pantomime.
There are two unhappy people in them, often no one's fault other than age changing their needs.

I agree an 'exit affair' isn't ideal, but if the marriage was over anyway, does it matter?

In real life, as opposed to Mumsnet musings, most people now are fairly tolerant of this. I don't actually know anyone who judges someone so harshly for an affair that led to a divorce.

Life is too short. I would leave H and go to be with your soulmate. The kids have their own lives and they will come round. How old are you? Can you really see out what's left of life with the wrong person?

Relational aggression is related to scapegoating. The sheer sophistry involved attempting to say, "The marriage was so bad I had no choice but to jump into bed with the other because of A, B, C and D".
Managing to convince the mug of a DH in this case to take accountability for lack of commitment on his wife's behalf. It's the swindle of the century.

I'll give you a real-life factual statistic, relationships bourne of affairs have a success rate of less than 8%.
Happy families everyone.

For goodness sake I'm sure op and her h have had many occasions of disconnection during 40 years, how old are you, I'd be interested to know.

Her h sounds quite easy going and easily manipulated if he bought into the croc of shit she's served him up so I should imagine his level of understanding and empathy could have risen to 'connecting' as you say.
There is simply no way you can compete when someone invites someone else into a marriage, the contract is broken, physically, emotionally, financially, security wise, the loyalty has been ripped away and the respect and also the possibility of there ever being equality by discussion for problem solving.

Affairs rip love up.
His idea of love was duty, care, loyalty everlasting, her's was being selfish, after so long it is cruel and even crueler to paint him as a contributor to her having an affair.
And it's ok to say you have been a victim, to say someone has treated you badly, yes life is unfair but the betrayed do not in many cases need to look within themselves to see where they were at fault. Your softly spoken, fabric softner messages are hinting at the betrayed people on here being bitter but I disagree I believe allowing them to know there are horrible selfish people in world will give them hope there are some good ones out there, and they don't need to cowtow down to those who lack empathy and those who write posts trying to divvy up blame to help the purpitrators.

And to judge is also human , it's how we have survived since time began, there is black and white and there is good and bad, there is also the covering up of these elements and in my opinion throughout history that has done as much if not more damage than the original abuse or offence.
You sound like a common a garden bleeding heart who wishes to keep the calm by keeping all parties placated with absolutly no conclusion other than harming victims.

We are not all betrayed parties we are just people with strong moral values who understand the percentages of harm you can inflict on innocent parties as you age, it's called experience, remember many of the older posters have seen many of these love stories play out and the rickochets of them.

@PineConeOrDogPoo

My opinion is that affairs like this one (due to 'disconnection') don't happen in fulfilled, connected marriages. It's not her husband's fault that she had an affair, that's on her. However, it's on both of them that they didn't address the disconnection.

The person betrayed doesn't always know there is a disconnection, sometimes the cheater doesn't know there is or what it is if they do realise something isn't right. There are people who will easily mask their inability to create connection too. Words are very easily spoken and life is never so simple that a couple both feel there is something not right or unfulfilled in their partner, especially if they are happy and their partner says nothing. Sometimes the cheating partner doesn't even realise why they are doing what they do.

There are no end of stories on here and elsewhere in which one partner has been happily going along and their cheating partner has given little to no clue anything is wrong. Suddenly they find out someone has been invited to be a third party in their marriage and while they look back there may be a handful of very minor clues, sometimes there just isn't. Some are even planning to buy a large investment together or go on a big holiday when these things land on their lap with their partner leading the way or at least happily playing along.

It is too easy to blame the couple for one not vocalising their disatisfaction effectively, while there are some partners who just don't want to hear it, others are never given the chance to hear it.

Can you imagine if this was the other way round and the husband had cheated and was gaslighting the wife into accepting full accountability without taking any themself? He would quite rightly be getting a new one ripped.

Yet because it’s the woman who is the lying cheat, allowances and excuses are being made and she’s getting a far more sympathetic response.