A torn heart....serious long term but ended affair and long term marriage.

[Muddled54]

Name change for this one for obvious reasons...

I left my loving, soulmate affair partner of nearly a year (friends and colleagues for many years before this) to work on what I realised in comparison was a transactionally functioning but emotionally shallow marriage after confessing the affair to my suspecting spouse. If I’m honest I think I subconsciously hoped my husband would then instigate a divorce but instead, being understandably traumatised, he expressed that he’d rather committing suicide, actually waved paracetamol packets in front of me, than live without me. So I decided after 35 years together in an OK but not closely connected marriage, I owed it to him and our three grown up children to stay in the family unit and see why we weren’t connecting as I had managed for the first time in my life with my affair partner.

I knew I’d still have connection with my ex affair partner through work and think subconsciously I knew this meant I'd never 100% had to let him go, although would have drastically reduced contact at my spouse's understandable insistance. My spouse, having been so hurt I sense wanted to see that I was prepared to cause my affair partner and friend pain to show allegiance to him and I am ashamed to say that in my shock at the time I ghosted and gave my affair partner little/no proper closure and followed my husband's demands - he'd read up all about no contact in healing affair situations and I feel wanted me to apply everything that he believed would inflict pain on my affair partner as justly deserved punitive measures. I now feel I handled this tricky situation in an inhumane, inauthentic way as as a child from a broken marriage myself I now see my elderly father so much happier with his second marriage than he ever was with my mum who is also a good person but just they didn't connect I now realise.

My ex affair partner now has told me that this uncomfortable, artificial minimalist contact at work and also my decision of recommitting to my marriage is causing him so much stress and hurt that he wants to resign to allow himself and my marriage distance to heal if that truly is my choice. Now I am finally facing losing the one person on this planet who seemed to ‘get me’ and I feel full of regret and confusion. I did try and speak to my husband at the very first instance the affair started becoming physical and when I knew I had fallen deeply in love with my affair partner - I told my spouse that I had stopped loving him in a way that married people should but still had familial love for him, but his initial reaction was so extreme, again talk of suicide, that the affair continued in secret. Honestly as friends and lovers we were like magnets drawn together- it is not something I understand myself nor had experienced before this. there was nothing fancy about what we did - just walking in each other's company seemed like heaven and i felt for the first time on my life the joy of not feeling alone on some level on this planet. I am bereft but don’t know if I have the strength to handle a suicidal spouse, and the domestic upheaval and potential family fallout all at the same time if I end the marriage…and now having so badly hurt my loving, tender affair partner, he probably could never trust me any more for not seeing through ending the marriage when I should have done, right at the start of realising I’d fallen in love with him.

So bereft, so depressed, so stuck…I feel I’m giving up love with my soulmate out of duty for my loving, hurt husband and sense of duty to work on the marriage as he has asked. Has anyone else experienced this and did the marriage survive and repair once total no contact occurred with a truly loved affair partner? And as an alternative possible ending, if the marriage ends as healing proves impossible and you try at a later stage to reconnect with an ex affair partner you’d rejected and badly hurt, could that relationship recover or does that betrayal (yes, I feel I’ve betrayed my living affair partner in trying to recommit to my husband in all ways (psychologically and sexually!) leave too deep a scar? My husband knows how deeply I felt for the affair partner but he feels family and marriage vows trump all and if he's willing to try to forgive and understand why we didn't connect enough to prevent me finding a beautiful connection through an affair, I owe it to him after such a long marriage to try and work on it too.

When i was a young adult my mother did this to my father and dragged out their failed reconciliation for over 2 years, not wanting to make the hard decision to end the marriage, giving him false hope, while also wanting to have her affair partner in her life. It was absolutely hideous for the whole family. My dad eventually moved on but 30 years later he's still emotionally scarred. She was quite happy married to the other man (he died 10 years ago) but what seems so special and Romantic when you're having an exciting affair just turns into... marriage and all its irritation and tedium, not some magical union of souls 🙄
I still sometimes go to therapy because of the ongoing fallout in my family of origin.
You should leave, give your husband a chance to heal, and hope for the best with Mr Soulmate while taking the risk of being alone. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.

Affairs are shit. A shit thing to do.

You've messed up a bit here. The adoration you feel for your AP is basically lust. Within 3 years it will be gone and you might be back to square one in a slightly dull marriage but worse off in terms of your relationship with adult children and finances. What you're feeling now is grief over the loss of your friend/ emotional support/AP. You need to decide if you want to stay with DH and go to therapy both personal and relationship while completely cutting out the OM from your life OR leave DH and see if AP will have you back. He might not and then I imagine you'll be back to try again with DH. You have to be prepared for it not to work long term either way. You also have to be prepared for the man you left to quickly move on with another woman. Approaching retirement or not men of any age tend to move on much more quickly than women. Your DH might be talking suicide now but I guarantee within a year he'll have found someone new to hold his hand.

No one has a crystal ball here you just have to go for one path and stick to it for everyone's sake. Also get some therapy either way and maybe some hobbies to distract yourself from relationships.

If you are only staying in your marriage out of duty and obligation then I would end it. The suicide threats are manipulative.

The op is doing what she thinks she’s supposed to do, which is to pretend be remorseful and throw herself into repairing her marriage. Her husband is doing what he thinks he’s supposed to do which is reading books and arranging counselling in the misguided belief that their marriage can be better than ever. Relate will also reinforce these ideas which leads to false reconciliations.

This formula for repair is treated like a bible and was invented by the barely qualified author of a well known infidelity book. Traumatised betrayed spouses cling to the hope that not only can the marriage be saved but it can be better than ever. Spouses get traumatised twice. Once by the actual cheating and again by this “repair process” that rarely works.

Affair recovery is an industry and it makes a lot of money. Relate are a business and the author of that book has done very well indeed out of selling the dysfunctional idea that your marriage can be better than ever after your spouse has had sex with someone else and lied to you.

I think the truth is that most cheaters checked out long before they cheated. They don’t want their marriage and they don’t want version 2 either and they should be allowed to leave without being guilt tripped into following this repair model.

I agree the op does seem very cold towards her husband. Many cheaters do and the explanation for that is quite simple. The spouse is now an ex. Cheating ends the primary relationship and people don’t want to go to counselling with their ex or be fully transparent with their ex. It’s traumatic to realise this and it also doesn’t make money.

Op you don’t have to follow this recovery formula created by an batshit author. You don’t have to put yourself or your husband through a fake reconciliation or “earn” your way out of the marriage by pretending to try. It’s going to cause more hurt for you both in the long run.

You’re done. And that’s ok.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. There is nothing to work with in this marriage, only guilt, duty and obligation. It is worse on your H to drag this out. False reconciliation is a thing, and so so damaging for all involved.

I love the bit about I would never have a fling because I'm not that sort of person in 35 years. Then whoops, I did it. I cheated on my husband with a work colleague. But it's a deep connection so it's fine 🙂
Relationships don't work when there is obligation. The threat of suicide has obligated you. Relationships don't work when one person has a romantic connection to another life. You will look to your other relationship whenever things are tough with your husband.
And in what life do you think you can go back to a strong platonic relationship with your affair partner when things settle down. That's high level delusion.
Leave your husband and own your feelings and actions. That's the only reasonable course of action.

@WhydontyouMove the bit about earning the right to finish a marriage is so true. I've seen so many reconciliations that are just postponing the inevitable and wondered why are they doing it. And that's it. They all turn around and say they gave it their best effort when in fact they were just earning the right to split up. Which basically involves 2 years of misery and hurt.
The OP is doing just this. It becomes cruel.

The batshit reconciliation formula has a mindless cult following and is taken as fact without any critical thinking. Whenever somebody starts a thread to say they’ve discovered cheating people will post the formula stating all the things their spouse MUST do to save the marriage. Total disclosure, complete transparency, earn back trust. Engage in counselling. All the things the person didn’t want to do before they cheated. Why would they do it now? If they were that committed they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

It’s time people questioned this authors claims that have somehow become the gold standard way to deal with affairs. She’s selling a product to vulnerable people because the only people who believe your marriage can be even better after an affair are desperate traumatised spouses.

We need to start accepting infidelity for what it is, which is a person’s considered decision to end the marriage. It is never an accident. For some reason some people prefer to be unfaithful and take the blame rather than tell their spouse that they’re unhappy or they don’t love them anymore.

Op your husband wants to follow this delusional formula to an even better marriage. You know it’s absolutely pointless. Spare both of you the pain and cancel relate and get individual counselling to support you through the process. There’s really no need to go through these sessions of performative penance.

Do you think you are? You’re sitting in judgement as if this doesn’t happen all the time. People need to be honest with each other and not cheat - you won’t get any disagreement from me about that. But people who get a kick out of judging other people don’t even make a pretence of being sympathetic or empathetic (other than to the husband who you have very little info on) cos they like to feel superior and righteous. Not very nice qualities at all.

@EleanorRigby2U I think I'm a woman who didn't have an affair with a married man (and who clearly hasn't learnt a thing about being a better person from it).

I will sit in judgement of you quite happily.

Your ignorance around the trauma of affairs is outstanding but crack on.

@WhydontyouMove very powerful posts. Interesting. Thank you!!

I’m not talking about your judgement of me. You literally know nothing about me or the situation - as evidenced by your quote. It’s that people like you hound people online and feel good about themselves for doing it. Superior. Righteous. It’s one of the most insidious aspects of social media. Take a break from the screen, you do not even know this woman. If you can’t be kind be quiet

Oh be quiet @EleanorRigby2U this is an open forum.

I just wrote a post about how it’s not a good idea for betrayed spouses to read these threads as it triggers them. But I think these threads are helpful because this is the hidden reality of how a lot of cheaters feel. They lie about stopping the affair, they’re not sorry and they miss their ap. They don’t want their marriage and they’re only in it out of obligation.

The op is not unusual in her thoughts. Wayward forums nearly all tell the same story.

If you’re thinking about reconciling you should know this. If you tried to reconcile and it failed you should consider that your spouse wasn't genuine and was probably just earning their way out. Harsh but better for everyone to be honest instead of believing fairytales about better than ever marriages.

When discovering infidelity the first question people ask is can you forgive. What we really need to ask is does the person who cheated want to be forgiven. For some of us who’ve had a fake reconciliation we realise far too late that the answer is really No. They don’t want to be forgiven.

Leave your marriage and try to reconnect with your affair partner. Take the risk. Life is SHORT.

To be truly known is so incredibly important.

It might not work out but you'd be living authentically.

Your husband's actions are manipulative and you must try to look past them to seek happiness. Your marriage is fucked regardless so you may as well look after yourself.

@WhydontyouMove yup my ex h cried and begged to stay when his past affair was discovered. He then continued to communicate with her secretly and finally just ran away one day. He is now married to her. They deserve each other - a pair of cheats.

I have never read a post on here that doesn’t make affair partners sound like Gods and not one of them is ever less than a ‘soul mate’, is usually always ‘the only one person on this planet who really gets me’ and just breathing the same air feels like heaven etc etc. These situations are not unique, read about the psychology of affairs and see why the limerance and heady feelings are off the charts. Whilst some affair relationships do become lasting relationships in the real world, it’s usually because the affair partners wanted out of their marriage whether or not because it was truly dead. Many affair partners lose their shine in the real world and people find that the secrecy and longing and ‘if only we could be together’ was the exciting bit, and that flaws were hidden or minimised and good points magnified. Careful what you wish for.
It’s an affair relationship OP, the cloud nine ‘so in love’ feeling is part and parcel of it. When you’ve been in an unsatisfying marriage and somebody else notices you, flatters you and finds you attractive and you are likewise attracted, you might as well snort cocaine, it’s an intoxicating and addictive high. Your husband becomes the dull day to day guy and the affair partner becomes the white knight rescuing you from drudgery and giving you an escape. You didn’t leave or rush to his arms, you stayed put and you’re still there, desperately trying to keep a foot in two camps.
Your husband wasn’t trying to punish your affair partner by insisting on going no-contact, he was telling you that a marriage only has two people in it and you had a clear choice to make. To stay married to him the third party he didn’t invite into the marriage had to go, pretty obvious really and an absolute must for the marriage to stand a chance. Your affair partner is understandably hurt but he knew the score and he knew the risk, even if you possibly lied to him and promised him a future together, he always knew you were married and might not leave. Your affair partner or you needs to find a new job if possible, if you really want to commit to your marriage, the affair has to end permanently with no further contact, anything else is just a continuation of before and will put your husband through hell.
It is wrong of your husband to blackmail you, he is however traumatised and wants the marriage and has no idea how to change this around, he thinks this solves the terror of losing you.
If you want to give your marriage a chance, end the affair, be honest about what happened, discuss how you and your husband can improve your relationship and put all the thought and energy into that, that you put into your affair partner. If you can’t do that, be honest and leave. You can’t change the choices you made but you can choose to act differently from now on and it might surprise you how much better your marriage gets when you actually show up in it like you used to. You married your husband and chose him for a reason, find those reasons and nurture them. Ending the affair won’t be easy but trust me, no mere human is Superman or Romeo, those epithets are reserved for men in fiction and affairs. I wish you luck and hope you can find a happier life and mend your marriage.

There is sex and then there is love, and I think if you have genuinely fallen in love with someone else, the marriage, and the ‘reconciliation’ is potentially on borrowed time.

might surprise you how much better your marriage gets when you actually show up in it like you used to. You married your husband and chose him for a reason

Yea, but that was 35 years ago!

Life is a never-ending change - we don't stand still!

She may have gotten married in her 20's - the kids are adults in their 30's who may be announcing a divorce in the future also. There's no shame in it.

We no longer live in fairy tales "and they lived happily ever after".

OP, you've had a lot of nasty comments but at the end of the day it's YOUR life you have to want to live to your inner conscience.

Just go counselling for yourself. Live by yourself, don't live life according to any man's decisions.

I love living alone because I can decide my whole life for me. Solo mum, womens aid divorced, working, aging parent care, adult son, travel (with him and solo both of us), had wonderful relationships since then, but I'm my own boss.

I just think that you taking this course of action will just be delaying the inevitable. You have checked out, you want out. You should be up front with your husband about this and leave. You can then see if it was love with the AP or not. If not, you still shouldn’t be in that marriage.

Life is not black and white and I cast no judgment on you. I do however feel that letting your husband go is the kinder option given where you are.

There's a lot of justification here, but fundamentally you weren't bothered about your husband's wellbeing when you had an affair, so I don't know why you are now. Instead of 'hoping he'd instigate' a divorce, do it yourself and tell anyone close to him to keep an eye on him. You're allowed to leave your marriage and in this instance, you absolutely should.

Your marriage with your DH has been a successful relationship!
You've created a stable home, supported each other for 35 years and raised children to adulthood. That's a success by many measures.

But at this point staying together to model a lasting relationship to the (adult) kids when your heart isn't in it, doesn't make sense!

You've experienced a genuine unforced connection so you now know what that feels like where you didn't before. .

In your shoes, I would end my marriage and then go to your ex affair partner, tell him you made a mistake and that you realise you hurt him and go from there.

At least that would be authentic.

Maybe you'll find yourself solo. Maybe your affair partner will understand that in the context of not feeling free to love him, you thought you were doing the right thing to meet the requirements of staying on your marriage, but in hindsight it wasn't the right thing.

I can't see how, with your heart not in this functional relationship, and him never knowing if you're only there to prevent his suicide, how it can ever be a healthy relationship.

I'm sure your DH was hurt, shocked and fearful of change and it's awful he had to experience that by your hand... but it doesn't really have legs to be a couple. It'll all be shop front, if deep down you don't feel it's where you want to be.

Edited for typos

Agree with pretty much all of what you're saying. Have to ask, about the book/author you're referencing, I'm guessing you mean Esther Perel?

Wow. That was positively psychotic. Do you realize you're raving fact free nonsense? Who is doing something drastic? What an absurd and delusional claim. Always the poor, put-upon victim, aren't you. Nothing is ever your fault in your mind.

I am not asking for a thing from you. I was quite clear that I know you have nothing to give.
I said nothing hateful, so you can stop lying. I merely delivered some home truths you don't want to hear, which has pissed you off. I did it in a perfectly civil way. I'll remind you that you are the one who started shit with me. I guess you can dish it out but you can't take it.

Take your own advice. The nastiest posts on here have been yours. Such hypocrisy.

Try to calm down. It's just a discussion on the Internet, an exchange of opinions. It's not that deep and it's not personal. Have you tried meditation for your anger issues?