A torn heart....serious long term but ended affair and long term marriage.

[Muddled54]

Name change for this one for obvious reasons...

I left my loving, soulmate affair partner of nearly a year (friends and colleagues for many years before this) to work on what I realised in comparison was a transactionally functioning but emotionally shallow marriage after confessing the affair to my suspecting spouse. If I’m honest I think I subconsciously hoped my husband would then instigate a divorce but instead, being understandably traumatised, he expressed that he’d rather committing suicide, actually waved paracetamol packets in front of me, than live without me. So I decided after 35 years together in an OK but not closely connected marriage, I owed it to him and our three grown up children to stay in the family unit and see why we weren’t connecting as I had managed for the first time in my life with my affair partner.

I knew I’d still have connection with my ex affair partner through work and think subconsciously I knew this meant I'd never 100% had to let him go, although would have drastically reduced contact at my spouse's understandable insistance. My spouse, having been so hurt I sense wanted to see that I was prepared to cause my affair partner and friend pain to show allegiance to him and I am ashamed to say that in my shock at the time I ghosted and gave my affair partner little/no proper closure and followed my husband's demands - he'd read up all about no contact in healing affair situations and I feel wanted me to apply everything that he believed would inflict pain on my affair partner as justly deserved punitive measures. I now feel I handled this tricky situation in an inhumane, inauthentic way as as a child from a broken marriage myself I now see my elderly father so much happier with his second marriage than he ever was with my mum who is also a good person but just they didn't connect I now realise.

My ex affair partner now has told me that this uncomfortable, artificial minimalist contact at work and also my decision of recommitting to my marriage is causing him so much stress and hurt that he wants to resign to allow himself and my marriage distance to heal if that truly is my choice. Now I am finally facing losing the one person on this planet who seemed to ‘get me’ and I feel full of regret and confusion. I did try and speak to my husband at the very first instance the affair started becoming physical and when I knew I had fallen deeply in love with my affair partner - I told my spouse that I had stopped loving him in a way that married people should but still had familial love for him, but his initial reaction was so extreme, again talk of suicide, that the affair continued in secret. Honestly as friends and lovers we were like magnets drawn together- it is not something I understand myself nor had experienced before this. there was nothing fancy about what we did - just walking in each other's company seemed like heaven and i felt for the first time on my life the joy of not feeling alone on some level on this planet. I am bereft but don’t know if I have the strength to handle a suicidal spouse, and the domestic upheaval and potential family fallout all at the same time if I end the marriage…and now having so badly hurt my loving, tender affair partner, he probably could never trust me any more for not seeing through ending the marriage when I should have done, right at the start of realising I’d fallen in love with him.

So bereft, so depressed, so stuck…I feel I’m giving up love with my soulmate out of duty for my loving, hurt husband and sense of duty to work on the marriage as he has asked. Has anyone else experienced this and did the marriage survive and repair once total no contact occurred with a truly loved affair partner? And as an alternative possible ending, if the marriage ends as healing proves impossible and you try at a later stage to reconnect with an ex affair partner you’d rejected and badly hurt, could that relationship recover or does that betrayal (yes, I feel I’ve betrayed my living affair partner in trying to recommit to my husband in all ways (psychologically and sexually!) leave too deep a scar? My husband knows how deeply I felt for the affair partner but he feels family and marriage vows trump all and if he's willing to try to forgive and understand why we didn't connect enough to prevent me finding a beautiful connection through an affair, I owe it to him after such a long marriage to try and work on it too.

Stop being so selfish and making excuses for your behaviour, All This hand wringing is all very woe is me when you're the one who is causing the trouble.

Why did you passively hope your husband would end your marriage when you told him about your cheating? What stopped you from just taking control and ending it? It seems you would rather be the bad guy than take any responsibility for your own decisions.

You are not helpless. You can leave your husband and be with your ap if that’s what you want. Either way, the marriage is over.

Oh for goodness sake. Leave your marriage. Go and see if things work out with affair partner.

Everyone is hurting atm. This is the worst of all worlds. No one is coming out of this happy. Ever.

Perhaps your dh will find someone more compatible and you and your OM may find you are wholly better suited.

You all only have one life.

Just leave your husband. Your heart isn't in it and it isn't fair to your husband. Be with the other man and hope it lasts.

This.

So you've been happy cheat longterm on your husband, with a man of equally low moral calibre.

Do your family a favour, and leave. They deserve so much better.

Would you and your DH consider couples counselling?

Not specifically with a view to repairing the marriage, but to set a safe space to discuss separation as well as what it would take to recover your relay, what you both want etc.

IMO the current trajectory is set up to fail. How can your DH ever have confidence in your commitment when he knows you stayed because he leveraged you with suicide talk?

Counselling might give him support with envisioning recovery from a break up.

I’d ignore all the people baying for blood by the way. One of the worst aspects of human nature that seems to be amplified on Mumsnet.

My advice would be to act with courage and conviction. Those are the things lacking when you have an affair and it’s what makes happiness almost impossible. If the OM really is the love of your life then go for it - and it will give your husband a chance for happiness too. Far too many people seem to stay in unhappy relationships because they’re too scared to take a chance; and I include your husband in that.

That is the stone truth. It will fall on deaf ears though. She's still neck deep in a romantic fantasy to rationalize what she's done.

No one is happy in the current situation. Leaving would be the best for everyone. We have one life. Living in this mess isn't serving anyone

Absolutely this. Dressing up a grubby little affair as a badly written Mills & Boon with the obligatory references to soulmates doesn’t make it anything more special than what it was.

If your marriage is over, leave. Stop wringing your hands and wallowing in the drama.

The satirical terms twu wuv and soul mate schmoopies were created to lampoon how cheaters romanticize their sleazy extramarital liaisons. Almost all of them do it. Almost all of them think they are somehow different from other cheaters, that there are extenuating circumstances which absolve them.

"What else could I do? We're true soul mates and got swept away by our passion and eternal love. Besides, my husband/wife doesn't make me happy. I deserve to be happy."

Barf.

Thanks for all the advice here. Always good to feel the full spectrum of opinion. I never thought I'd find myself in this position - I've only had 3 relationships in my life so I'm certainly not a 'player' as some seem to suggest and both my affair partner and I did stop our relationship for a while after the first time my husband threatened suicide when I plucked up the courage to tell him I thought I had fallen out of love with him as soon as the affair started.

@WhydontyouMove You asked why I was passive in hoping my husband would be the one to end the marriage. It wasn't as clear cut as that if i gave that impression - I honestly thought when I told my husband about the affair that once he had had time to absorb the news he would want for us to end the marriage - not least because for him too, our functional but lacking in intimacy relationship had been that way for so long that I thought he too must surely want at least the chance of finding greater connection with another person and he seemed not to really be demonstrative with me anyway so i thought his feelings too must have deadened over time for our marriage to be so lacking in spark and tenderness.

@OnceMoreWithAttitude thank you. Yes, we start sessions with Relate next week to try and build trust and help communication so we make the correct decision for us. At the moment my husband seems hell bent on finding every 'marriage reconciliation' book that exists as long as it has the narrative that it is possible to gain an even better marriage after an affair. I struggle to believe he'll ever not feel hurt and that he must surely ask himself why a loyal wife of 35 years (and years together before that) would engage in a friendship turned affair with another man unless they really found something important. My husband believes this was the wakeup call we both needed and that we can work on feeling true connection again. I think the heightened emotions of fear of me leaving are making the relationship feel more charged than it really is and cannot be maintained. He thinks it's us finding a 'spark' we can grow again. I wish I could but am not hopeful. It's been so long since we were first together that I can't even remember whether my husband and I ever had the natural depth of connection I felt with my ex affair partner.

I've already decided that I would like to use the counselling sessions to explore the possibility of a trial separation with me still continuing not to contact my ex affair partner so that I can be sure whether I truly feel it is the right thing to end the marriage or whether I'm in cloud cuckoo land. I know it's so easy for others to state that the happiness of an affair is always due to it being secretive, illicit and lacking in the domestic dross of every day life, but sometimes I just think we are humans seeking connection in our time on this planet and until I had experienced feeling seen by a sincere and gentle person I don't think i knew companionship could be quite so joyful. That's what happened to me and it has taken me on a path I never thought I'd be on...

The thing is, the delaying and ‘trial separations’ just prolong the hurt for everyone. I think I agree with a previous poster that you’ve chosen the worst of all possible worlds: a connection with no one.

Nothing you are saying indicates you want to be in this marriage. Which is ok.

Are you going to be able to be totally honest in the Relate sessions? Because if you’re not, there’s no point going. A trial separation is just going to kick the can further down the road. It’s ok to be done.

100% this

A "sincere and gentle" person who was just fine with cuckolding another man. Girl, give your head a hard wobble. This man is not of good character. Work on developing your own character so that you can hold your head high because you have integrity. Cheating and being an affair partner is about a lack of integrity and lack of concern and empathy for others. It is not about love. You cannot truly love anyone if you are so selfish.

I thought Relate went into administration a few months ago if I’m honest?!

Entirely untrue. The man in this situation doesn’t owe her husband anything. It is senseless to hold him accountable for that relationship. What is more, as someone who was in that position, it’s actually pretty distressing being an AP and I’d be surprised if anyone went into it ‘willingly’ and with eyes wide open. Honestly that kind of thinking just shows a lack of insight, or the nuances of relationships.

She should have left her husband. He shouldn’t threaten suicide as a way of emotionally blackmailing her. We know nothing about the AP to judge them

I would absolutely never advocate leaving for another man.

Leave for you.

That grass may not be greener, you need to grow your own. By the time I left my ex husband I was fully confident that I’d rather be by myself forever than stay in that marriage.

We do not need men on white horse to recuse us. Rescue yourself, and find a way to be happy with or without a man in your life.

I've been in your husbands situation and I did feel suicidal for a long time but I never planned to act on it.

I'd say for his sake rather than your own (although as well as for you) you need to end your marriage. He deserves more than to be second best or an obligation.

You must be honest with him if you split and if you end up with your affair bloke, please respect your husband enough to tell him - if he asks.

I found the deceit and conspiracy from my ex and many other parties the most traumatic thing to deal with by far.

He is very unlikely to kill himself but perhaps you can put some support in place as a PP suggested.

Your marriage is over.

This.

Men get more out of marriage than women (typically), hence obviously he will try to save it.

You were hoping he'd say divorce, and that tells me everything about your desires.

He threatened suicide if he has to live without you, and that is very likely to be coercive control. Especially waving the pills in your face. Thats not your reaponsibility, though I do agree with other posters, to make sure he has appropriate help if he is depressed. Please educate yourself on emotional abuse before you re-commit to this man.

Your lover having split from his wife when she confided being bisexual is another red flag to me. Leave him alone and work on yourself. If you love someone, let them go

@Muddled54 - you need to stop making excuses for your affair. It sounds like you’re rewriting history just as men often do - a “functional” marriage that suddenly wasn’t enough when you fell for someone else.

Just own the affair. Don’t blame your husband for it. Of course your affair partner seems shiny and new and the snatched moments and repressed longing are all very exciting. But it’s on you.

You probably should leave your husband. You may or may not be able to make a go of it with your affair partner. (And of course you can’t remain in your marriage if you’re continuing to work with this guy).

But just own it. Own that you have behaved very badly - that it’s on you, not your husband. Your husband’s been cheated on. Don’t increase the pain by making it his fault.

I do not share your rationalization of being an affair partner. That's just an excuse for socially irresponsible behavior. We all have a duty not to hurt other people and violate their right to consent.

I can find nothing honest in your post, so prefacing statements with "honestly" does not alter that.
You're an adult, presumably. So is the OP. You both chose to do what you did and mature adults own their destructive choices instead of whining and playing the victim. You are the one who lacks insight here and there is no nuance involved. Try asking somebody who got HPV or herpes from a cheating partner about the "nuances" of a spouse risking their health. Then ask about the "nuances" of non-consensual sex, which every sex act with a cheating partner is. Consent has to be informed. If it's based on wrong information by a deceptive partner, it is abusive. There's no "nuance" about how violated a person feels by that. I could go on about the devastating effects of such a betrayal, but it's not worth the bother because you obviously can't be reached via empathy for the pain of others.
I know that because
your spiel is standard self-pitying cheater/AP rationalizations and excuses, not the least bit original or thoughtful and showing zero concern for the betrayed person. I must have heard it hundreds of times over the years and it never gets any less self-important and disingenuous. I suggest you do some soul searching and try to develop some empathy and personal responsibility.

Divorce.

You have caused a lot of pain. Distress through betrayal.

Just divorce. And stop inflicting
your self indulgence on your stbxh.