Dating again and feeling worthless

[CookieThatCrumbles]

How do you get over the feelings of being undesirable when it comes to dating as a single parent? I would like to date again but I feel like what is holding me back is the feeling that I am undesirable as a single mum and that no men would want to date me now. Not saying this is the case for other single mums or other single mums should feel this way! but it doesn't help that I keep seeing memes making fun of single mums. Also my ex said no one would want me now i'm a single mum which seems to be true as I have been alone for years now. My family also said the same, they said 1/2 kids is fine but when I was pregnant with my 3rd child and me and ex had split up they basically both told me no man would want me now and they would only want me for sex and nothing more. So i've stayed single a long time but now would like to date and meet someone but can't help but feel like no one would want me now. How do I move past this? and feel worthy of love again? I was speaking to a single dad who said he couldn't relate at all, he said he was a single dad to 4 and it hasn't put any women off but I feel it's different for men as single dads are usually seen as hero's unlike single mums who are seen as the completely opposite.

Of course people date single mothers. The majority of people once they get to a certain age have children so I don’t understand this reasoning.
If you were young then yes, I agree that young childfree people probably prefer other young, childfree people. However you have 3 children. The only thing to do is give dating a go.

Yes i was told men would want me for sex only i'm sure i would have no trouble finding that. i did have them young i had my oldest at 22 but i've stayed single the entire time. i was told men wouldn't want anything serious with me because of my children.

I found someone organically, not online. Well, I found someone online but he was a misogynist who got physical later, and he put me off men for over five years! I wouldn’t fuss too much in all honesty. Go on some dates for the company and something to do, but treat it lightly. Or go to meet-ups and activities in your area for people who are on their own, rather than dating or matchmaking events. I think it’d be less pressured and you’re more likely to meet someone who wants to find a person, rather than a shag.

I have children so when I was looking to date I'd want to meet someone who also had children, I would have skipped over anyone who didn't have children and for those who did, the number wouldn't concern me. I think you're being hard on yourself, get out there and give it a go

Im happy to date men with/ without children. it's more the number of children i was told would put men off apparently 1 or 2 is fine according to my family.

Out of interest, how many children does your mother have?

6

The first thing to realize is

1. your family and friends are absolute assholes.

snd 2) Attitudes like your mothers are why you wound up with a jerk like your ex.

You have an internal worth, an attraction, an inherent value that has nothing to do with how many people came out of your body. Or how many partners you’ve had.

“If you ask me why I loved him
I can say only
Because it was he
because it was I”

Of course users and abusers will always tear you down rather than build you up, will always insult you rather than praise you. Stop listening to them! Listen only for kind words and look only for someone who admires you.

First of all, your family are a bunch of dicks. How dare they devalue you like that. They sound toxic af! Your ex sounds like a prick as well. All of them are talking bollocks.

Secondly, I don’t think you should be looking to date atm. I think with your self esteem being so low you’d be an easy target for abusive men. Instead, you should build up your self esteem before you start dating. Start by getting yourself a fresh new notebook. Take some time to sit quietly when the children are in bed and write down as many things as you can think of that are good about you as a person. It would be anything. Examples could be,

I’m a good mum.
I am strong enough to raise my children singlehandedly.
I have a good heart.
I have a lot of love to give.
I am kind.
I have good hair.
I am cute.
I am a good friend.
I am fun, etc.

Try and write 5 good things about yourself to start with. Add at least 1 thing to your list every day. Read this list back to yourself every day, preferably when you first wake up and just before bed. It’s retraining you to appreciate how awesome you are. It’s training you to see all your good points and become self aware. It will build your confidence and self esteem. Also, read about self esteem. Here’s a book to get you started

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

Once you’re feeling better about yourselfc then think about dating. However, reading between the lines it’s seems you’ve grown up around a less than supportive family and your ex sounds abusive, so you might benefit from doing the freedom programme to learn about red flags when you do enter the dating pool.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This book might also be helpful so that you can learn bad behaviours and spot red flags.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

There is nothing wrong with you so you will find a man who will love you and love your children too. I was a single mum and I’m now happily married. Of course there will be arseholes out there who might try to take advantage of you but take your time getting to know someone. Don’t get too serious soo quickly. Keep it fun, you set the pace and don’t chase after any man. A man who is into you will prioritise you, will accept you as you are, will love you as you are and will be thrilled to have you in his life.

So, would it resonate at all that she was either a single mum with 3+ children and couldn't get a date, or stayed in a marriage she didn't want to, with 3+ children because she had no other options.

And if you go ahead and successfully date, she won't like having to admit that the reason she had no/a miserable relationship was actually nothing to do with having 3+ children?

thank you, my ex wasn't abusive just said some nasty things when we broke up. apparently i would just be a "slutty single mum that no one wants" and threw it in my face that we slept together the first night we met hence why i'm a "slut" apparently despite the fact i haven't date or slept with anyone else since we split up years ago

my mum dated again but none of the men committed to her and just used her so i guess that's her experience no men wanted to take on 6 kids. my sister says it as well and she only has 1 so men are "still interested" in her because she only has 1 and less to "take on"

I'm a mum to 3 and had no shortage of men wanting to date me, I've not got myself into a long term relationship due to my own fussiness and I don't need a man to take on my kids, I provide perfectly fine on my own, see your worth and don't let their opinions bring you down.

I think you are right I have 5 only 3 at home now but been single since my break up 4 years ago men just want sex which is fine but not for me right now
the closest I got had 4 kids but he was put off by mine ?????

that's what i think, most men only want single mums for sex it seems, see so many memes making fun of single mums saying they are worthless and the amount of men agreeing with the posts shock me, there is a meme showing a man in the middle and it's something like single men over 30, single forever / fat chicks/ or single mums like how awful that would be 🙄 then another one where the man said i've finally escaped my toxic ex then he jumps off the "toxic ex" and lands face down on single mums like again saying how crappy single mums are and all the comments agreeing

stuff like this doesn't help with the feelings of worthlessness

His words to you were cruel and abusive. This attitude—its called devaluing—has to have always been there in the marriage. Don’t make excuses for him. His words were shameful and fruel. Recognize them for an attack on you. Whether he believed them or not they hurt you. Push back. Refuse to accept his stupid judgement.

Stop reading stupid memes on the internet. The whole world is not defined by lad culture.

Not all men are like that. My brother has dated at least three different women with children and married one a couple of years ago who has two children. They are happy, and we have loved welcoming them all into the family.

You're at risk of cocklodgers ie men that want someone to move in with and feed them and basically mother them too!

You seriously can’t be seriously believing this bullshit?

a man who split up with you and wanted to be nasty to you makes some stupid insult and you base your entire world view around it?

of course this isn’t true.

my mum and sister said exactly the same thing?

Who are these people that tell you that? What is their life experience and authority so that anything they say has credibility for you?

Do they have significant dating experience and have dated a wide variety of men? And can this speak for all men of the world?

Look around yourself. Women who have children frequently find a new partner if they want to.

It’s pretty shit that somebody feels the need to put you down like that. This person must have done very serious self-esteem issues and/or they’re quite old, I’m guessing 80+ and raised with the mindset that men are only interested in virgins?

my mum and sister said it and yes they both have experience of dating as single parents