Dating again and feeling worthless

[CookieThatCrumbles]

How do you get over the feelings of being undesirable when it comes to dating as a single parent? I would like to date again but I feel like what is holding me back is the feeling that I am undesirable as a single mum and that no men would want to date me now. Not saying this is the case for other single mums or other single mums should feel this way! but it doesn't help that I keep seeing memes making fun of single mums. Also my ex said no one would want me now i'm a single mum which seems to be true as I have been alone for years now. My family also said the same, they said 1/2 kids is fine but when I was pregnant with my 3rd child and me and ex had split up they basically both told me no man would want me now and they would only want me for sex and nothing more. So i've stayed single a long time but now would like to date and meet someone but can't help but feel like no one would want me now. How do I move past this? and feel worthy of love again? I was speaking to a single dad who said he couldn't relate at all, he said he was a single dad to 4 and it hasn't put any women off but I feel it's different for men as single dads are usually seen as hero's unlike single mums who are seen as the completely opposite.

They are nuts. It is nonsense.

i don’t mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you’re desperate to believe them. Why is that? Do you believe everything your mum and sister say?

you seem to have taken a view point that I think you know is nonsense and are doing everything you can to ensure that it comes true. Why do you want to punish yourself?

a partner with 3 kids isn’t going to be for everyone, but plenty of people with 3 kids are in relationships.

i've already said in my post that i don't think it applies to all single mums but can't help but feel it applies to me

Because internalised misogyny is one hell of a drug.

Please stop with the ‘I was told’. It’s demonstrably nonsense. They can ‘tell’ you whatever theher like, but that doesn’t make it true.

Most people over a certain age have children, and many of those people are single. They are out there dating every day. Some of them find love, and some of them don’t, same as everyone else.

Also, please stop using whether men want to date you as the measure of your worth.

Where are you seeing all these memes? I have never seen any at all. Never. So where are they all coming from that you're seeing them all the time?

You also keep saying "I was told...". You need to stop listening to people who don't have your best interests at heart, and who have basically brainwashed you into thinking you are worthless.

You determine your worth, not some fuck boy who treats all women like shit.

Yeah that’s abusive. He sounds like an arsehole. Just because you broke up doesn’t give him the right to talk to you like that. Speaking to you like that is abusive.

"Where are you seeing all these memes? I have never seen any at all. Never. So where are they all coming from that you're seeing them all the time?"

facebook, I know I shouldn't read the comments and just ignore them but I can't help it so maybe that's why I see so many. but it does really give an insight into how men view single mums.

People have preferences when it comes to dating some conscious and some subconscious.

All you can do is try dating and see what happens.

pretences are fine, however men thinking i'm only good enough for sex.. not so fine.

preferences*

You need to give your head a wobble. There is no need to waste everyone’s time snd your own precious life arguing with internet strangers that you are shit, all men are shit, and your life is over.

Stop! Its a total waste of time. Just live your own fucking life as an independent, sdult, woman. If you meet someone you like then go for it. If you meet another toxic moron like your ex give him a swerve.

You don’t have to run yourself down , or accept anyone’s criticism, if you don’t need what they are peddling. You don’t need a man for sex—you can get a sex toy that will be just as good. You don’t need your mother snd sister’s opinions, they are among life’s losers and they won’t be happy until you sink down next to them.

Keep your private life private. Don’t ask for anyone’s approval or support. You are surrounded by absolute misery mongers. Just hold your head up and live your own life.

"Also my ex said no one would want me now i'm a single mum which seems to be true as I have been alone for years now. My family also said the same, they said 1/2 kids is fine but when I was pregnant with my 3rd child and me and ex had split up they basically both told me no man would want me now and they would only want me for sex and nothing more."

Sadly, your ex and your family have done a number on you. They have convinced you no one would want you so you have stayed alone but you do not need to. I think you need to get some counselling or books or classes in self help, encouragement etc to know your value. I am sure you are a great person and you do not need to listen to these negative voices.

Good luck.

You keep saying 'I was told', why are you listening so much to other people and not just testing it out yourself? Is something else holding you back?

OP, about a third of marriages or more end in divorce, many of those women have kids and are therefore single parents. So many of them go on to have new partners. It is not as uncommon as you think!

I know of plenty of women who had 3 children, became single and remarried relatively quickly to decent men they met through hobbies and interests. There are lots of terrible incel men you can find on the Internet (and that includes facebook), but that doesn't mean it's the rule that you're unworthy of being treated with love and respect. And your nasty ex calling you a slut, well as you say you've been single for years, so that proves that is completely untrue. He clearly didn't know you at all, why would you believe what he says about you?

As others have said, focus on you and raising your self esteem first. And limit your time around Facebook and the family and friends who just want to pull you down.

Why do you feel you have to be worthy of love, just get out there and see what happens

What you want for yourself and what your friends and family want for you can be miles apart. There is a huge world out there. If you tolerate bad behaviour then it will be part of your life. Why are single mum's lesser beings than anyone else?
If you have low respect for yourself you'll struggle to find people that respect you.
Find your moral compass have a good think about who is giving you this awful advice and demoralising you.
Think about what you want from your life. Get involved and follow some strong women groups and start to enjoy your life.
Kick all that trashing single mum crap in the bin where it belongs.
You are in control of your thoughts, your life and your future. Stop listening to everyone else that doesn't want you to bypass them!!

I know two women who have five children. One met someone who is now her husband and the other one is always getting dates. Not necessarily very compatible dates, but men clearly don't seem to be too put off from wanting to meet her. Know your worth and don't allow it to be defined by anyone but you.

I thin k three children might put some men off but not all of them.

Do you always believe everything you are told op? I would say you need to spend time getting away from toxic people then date.

👏👏👏👏👏

I have never seen a meme like that before so you do need to ignore and focus on more positive life affirmations.

How old are your children and how old are you?

Make 2025 the year when you retrain your thoughts to all the positives in your life.

I think you get back what you give out. You need to develop your confidence before you start dating again. There will be some guys who don't want to date a women with kids and that's fine but certainly not all men.

I would imagine you would mostly be meeting men who are divorced or separated with kids themselves so ... What does it matter?

If you got serious and he's any kind of a father at all, he'd be having his kids some of the time ... So you'd both be bringing kids into the relationship and you'd both be blending families eventually and you'd both be expected to become step parents to some degree eventually.

So you're in a similar position.

You're not bringing anything or expecting anything that he's not!

Men with no kids yet themselves ...yes, I could understand why they may not want to get into a relationship with a woman with kids.
However that's not to say some will not.

As for sex....I haven't had full penetrative sex with several of my ex partners/current partner until months into the relationship.

This will weed out most sex seekers.

Of course there may some who will date for a few months, have sex and then dump but most sex seekers will simply not spend the time or effort or money on dating regularly for months - if they're only after sex. Most will just go elsewhere to try to get it quickly & with less effort.

You can just say you've only had one partner (or whatever) and you don't rush into sex with someone and you're the type of person who prefers to get to know someone well before you have sex etc.
Most people who like you and want a relationship won't be put off by that.

Don't go on dates and drink/get drunk ....that's a sure way to have sex quickly because it lowers your inhibitions and raises testosterone in women which makes them horny lol.
Avoid drinking much or at all.

The other thing is that you had your kids young so they are getting older and more independent all the time and you'll still be young when they young adults.

I would say people would be much more put off by young kids than by older kids who are increasingly young adults and will be doing their own thing in a few years.

Many (most?) people on the dating scene have kids ....you're no different or disadvantaged than most other people.

3 kids ... So what.

Most have at least 2.

It's not like you have 6 plus kids.