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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m lonely, in a relationship

61 replies

Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:36

Me and my DP live together. This is recent maybe 8 months or so. We have been together around 8 years and just recently decided it made sense for us to stay together. We have 3 adult kids between us and they have all flew the nest.

Living together is just not what I thought it would be. I’m super lonely, spend a lot of time just by myself whilst he’s off down the pub. He attends the pub with other couples we both know (although they are his friends as opposed to mines due to age gap). When he comes home drunk he always says everyone was asking for me and I should go next time. But next time the invite is never there.

I don’t want to moan, he’s a nice guy. But I’m really bored and lonely. I work full time and take care of 98% of the house stuff. He makes the odd cup of tea or does the odd dish after dinner.

I don’t have any family, and fall into the high percentage of women 35+ who don’t really have any friends. I thought living together would be more fun, or I’d at least have more company. He doesn’t really want to do anything with me. When we are at home he just lies about watching tv, doesn’t make an effort in his appearance. Only time he makes the effort if for his times down the pub.

I asked him all week for us to have a day out today. We left this morning to go a walk, do a bit of shopping and have lunch. Within the hour we were home as he was moaning about the ice/where I wanted to eat/him not feeling well. Fast forward to getting home, he was shaving and showering and asking me to iron him a shirt as he was off down the pub.

I’m just so bored… I don’t want this to be my life! I miss my daughter, we do have regular days out but I miss living with her and how fun it was. I’m only in my 30s, DP in his 50s. I can’t just sit here forever. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:45

To add… this is all our relationship will ever be. No more children for us. He doesn’t want to get married (was married before she cheated) whereas I would love to be married.

I’m just looking at my life and thinking is this it??

OP posts:
Pennyplant19 · 04/01/2025 16:49

I think you know the answer here - you're worth so much more than this. Sending virtual hugs x

username299 · 04/01/2025 16:51

JFC Did you iron his shirt?

Why on earth are you putting up with this? You don't have the excuse of children to do the drudge work so you're just voluntarily acting like the maid.

You cook, clean and probably service him in the bedroom then he buggers off to spend time with people he wants to be with.

Have you always had low self esteem?

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:54

Yeah I ironed the shirt. I don’t have low self esteem. I like keeping the house nice, I get enjoyment from it.

I didn’t move in thinking this is how it would be. We had a great relationship before. We were always out doing things. It’s only changed since I moved here

OP posts:
rebmacesrevda · 04/01/2025 16:54

What do you do?...
You stop doing his ironing for a start!
Then move back out. You don't have to live together and you're clearly not enjoying it. He sounds quite boring to me. Is drinking his hobby? Even if you were invited to the pub every night, would you want to spend your time like that?

I understand your loneliness, but honestly, a relationship is not the solution. You need friends, and if I were you I'd be spending my time and energy on meeting new people, trying out new hobbies and going on adventures. There is so much more out there for you; you've just got to be courageous and take a few risks to find it. Don't waste your life with a boring bloke 20 years older than you!

GigglingLips · 04/01/2025 16:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:56

Drinking is his hobby I suppose. When I met him I was in my 20s and he was recently separated in his 40s. I enjoyed going out drinking too, but I’ve outgrown it. I would not want to b doing this all the time. And he has told me he wouldn’t want that for me either.

OP posts:
username299 · 04/01/2025 16:56

Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:54

Yeah I ironed the shirt. I don’t have low self esteem. I like keeping the house nice, I get enjoyment from it.

I didn’t move in thinking this is how it would be. We had a great relationship before. We were always out doing things. It’s only changed since I moved here

You see waiting on someone who is treating you with contempt as having high self esteem?

He's treating you like a mug OP.

Paradoes · 04/01/2025 16:59

Op you sound like a lovely person with everything going for you and you are letting him do this to you !!!

he didn’t want to be with you today (I don’t say that to be mean). You deserve someone who adores you and you will meet that person so free yourself up to meet them .. not a fifty year old user!

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:59

Also he’s been separated from his wife a decade and is not yet divorced? This annoys me.

They have a good relationship for their adult kids but he knows it bothers me she has his name and I never will. If anything were to happen to him she’s his wife… I’m just his partner? I will have no right to anything, although I live here any pay half of everything?

At new years he messaged their “family group chat” (him wife and 2 kids) saying “happy new year XXX family. Love you all”. That hurt a bit knowing I will never be a part of his family. I feel like the side character of my own life.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 04/01/2025 17:02

Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 16:45

To add… this is all our relationship will ever be. No more children for us. He doesn’t want to get married (was married before she cheated) whereas I would love to be married.

I’m just looking at my life and thinking is this it??

Seems like you are just settling. What are you getting from this? He is lazy and entitled and prefers to be down the pub than being with you. Don’t waste your 30s on this loser

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 17:03

I regret giving up my house. I would love to be back there now with my things and my daughter coming over watching our shows. She doesn’t do that so much here as the balance isn’t the same.

I also moved with very limited possession as he said his furniture etc was better than mines. So I would need to start totally again from scratch

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 04/01/2025 17:12

Let him go… time to enjoy your beautiful 30s!

2025already · 04/01/2025 17:13

You’re in your 30s! What are you actually doing and why?!!! Why did you choose him out of all the men you could have chosen? And give up your home too!

I went out briefly with someone in their 50s who went to the pub every night. It was actually quite a sad existence. He used to say how popular he was but really he was permanently pissed so a great source of amusement for his mates. He was very unhealthy with a big red face. Not sure if your partner is similar but it’s not a lifestyle I would want to share with someone when they got to that age.

Anyway your set up reminded me of me.

You need a plan to get out op.

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 17:18

2025already · 04/01/2025 17:13

You’re in your 30s! What are you actually doing and why?!!! Why did you choose him out of all the men you could have chosen? And give up your home too!

I went out briefly with someone in their 50s who went to the pub every night. It was actually quite a sad existence. He used to say how popular he was but really he was permanently pissed so a great source of amusement for his mates. He was very unhealthy with a big red face. Not sure if your partner is similar but it’s not a lifestyle I would want to share with someone when they got to that age.

Anyway your set up reminded me of me.

You need a plan to get out op.

Well this is the thing. I don’t get why he does it. He complains he doesn’t enjoy it, but EVERYONE wants him there and he needs to be sociable. It’s not every night but regular enough for it to bother me. He tried to tell me he was going over Xmas eve and I put the foot down, it was our first year living together and I was meant to sit alone on Xmas Eve waiting for him to come home?

However it’s affecting his weight, his health, his mood and his sleep. He has claimed he is only going tonight so we have the full day together tomorrow before we return to work Monday. But if that means watching him lie on the couch all day I’m not overly excited about it

OP posts:
80s · 04/01/2025 17:26

I also moved with very limited possession as he said his furniture etc was better than mines. So I would need to start totally again from scratch
But it's still an option, is it?
Maybe try to see it as an opportunity to restyle your home, in a refreshing new design?
Would you be interested in staying with him but living apart, or could it also be an opportunity to look for someone who has a more similar idea of how to spend time together?

Sugarcoldturkey · 04/01/2025 17:28

This is bonkers, OP. Why are you with him? A partner is supposed to make your life better, lift you up, improve your life. Sure, there are arguments, but in the end you feel loved and supported.

If you don't feel that, then there's really no point in staying together. If this man is just a drain, making you feel lonely and stopping you from meeting new friends, getting married to someone lovely, then clearly you should break up.

Also, it's worth considering what things will be like in 20 years or so. You'll be 50, still in the workforce, and he'll be a retired 70-something year old. Will you just end up as his carer? You're already being expected to iron his shirts!! (And you're agreeing to it!!)

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 17:30

80s · 04/01/2025 17:26

I also moved with very limited possession as he said his furniture etc was better than mines. So I would need to start totally again from scratch
But it's still an option, is it?
Maybe try to see it as an opportunity to restyle your home, in a refreshing new design?
Would you be interested in staying with him but living apart, or could it also be an opportunity to look for someone who has a more similar idea of how to spend time together?

I really don’t know. We were great before, I feel we have ruined our relationship by living together. I don’t really see him in the same light. He has gave up on me, sex is infrequent and always instigated by me, never compliments me, doesn’t listen to a word when I’m speaking to him, sits on his phone all night every night sending stupid videos to his friends and then buggers off the rest of the time leaving me myself. I just don’t know anymore… he will only get worse with age I feel? Like he isn’t going to get better is he?

OP posts:
Climbinghigher · 04/01/2025 17:31

OP you need to find friends. What do you like doing? I think it’s hard to find friends in the midst of child rearing but much easier once the kids have left.

I think your own haven of a home with lots of friends would be much better than waiting for someone to arrive home from the pub pissed.

You deserve more than this.

2025already · 04/01/2025 17:32

Sorry op the way you describe him he is such a type and he won’t change when he gets to 60. You need more for yourself.

rebmacesrevda · 04/01/2025 17:35

Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 17:03

I regret giving up my house. I would love to be back there now with my things and my daughter coming over watching our shows. She doesn’t do that so much here as the balance isn’t the same.

I also moved with very limited possession as he said his furniture etc was better than mines. So I would need to start totally again from scratch

You could move into a shared house, which might already be furnished, or you'd only need to get furniture for your bedroom. More importantly, you'd have housemates to chat to so you wouldn't be lonely. It might be a temporary set-up but it would be a lot more fun than what you have now. You seem to be living the life of an old person, but you're still young and you should be having a lot more fun.

80s · 04/01/2025 17:37

I feel we have ruined our relationship by living together
Would you have been happy living apart permanently, though? If not, then you had to at least try living together. Shame it's not worked out, but was the alternative feasible?
I've also been with my dp eight years, living apart, and we're thinking of moving in together now. If that didn't work, I could imagine just living nearby. But I don't want to continue "commuting" :) so staying as we are is not an option.

2025already · 04/01/2025 17:38

Did he not go to the pub every night before?

Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 17:39

80s · 04/01/2025 17:37

I feel we have ruined our relationship by living together
Would you have been happy living apart permanently, though? If not, then you had to at least try living together. Shame it's not worked out, but was the alternative feasible?
I've also been with my dp eight years, living apart, and we're thinking of moving in together now. If that didn't work, I could imagine just living nearby. But I don't want to continue "commuting" :) so staying as we are is not an option.

No I wouldn’t have been happy living apart permanently. It was him who dragged his feet so long without trying it.

maybe now I’m here he is actively trying to put me off? It’s like a full new person I’ve never seen before.

please don’t base my experience around ur plans. I’m sure they will be amazing and work out perfectly if both of u are willing to put rhe work in. I think maybe I’ve just been unlucky, or picked the wrong person

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsomewhereinbetween · 04/01/2025 17:40

2025already · 04/01/2025 17:38

Did he not go to the pub every night before?

No, maybe twice a week

OP posts: