I’m lonely, in a relationship

[Lostsomewhereinbetween]

Me and my DP live together. This is recent maybe 8 months or so. We have been together around 8 years and just recently decided it made sense for us to stay together. We have 3 adult kids between us and they have all flew the nest.

Living together is just not what I thought it would be. I’m super lonely, spend a lot of time just by myself whilst he’s off down the pub. He attends the pub with other couples we both know (although they are his friends as opposed to mines due to age gap). When he comes home drunk he always says everyone was asking for me and I should go next time. But next time the invite is never there.

I don’t want to moan, he’s a nice guy. But I’m really bored and lonely. I work full time and take care of 98% of the house stuff. He makes the odd cup of tea or does the odd dish after dinner.

I don’t have any family, and fall into the high percentage of women 35+ who don’t really have any friends. I thought living together would be more fun, or I’d at least have more company. He doesn’t really want to do anything with me. When we are at home he just lies about watching tv, doesn’t make an effort in his appearance. Only time he makes the effort if for his times down the pub.

I asked him all week for us to have a day out today. We left this morning to go a walk, do a bit of shopping and have lunch. Within the hour we were home as he was moaning about the ice/where I wanted to eat/him not feeling well. Fast forward to getting home, he was shaving and showering and asking me to iron him a shirt as he was off down the pub.

I’m just so bored… I don’t want this to be my life! I miss my daughter, we do have regular days out but I miss living with her and how fun it was. I’m only in my 30s, DP in his 50s. I can’t just sit here forever. What do I do?

but this is your life and you ironed his shirt too
like the acquiescent muppet you are. He really does see you as being born yesterday and has no respect for you whatsoever so
nice guy my arse.

He is not a nice guy, merely a man who is content to have his social life in the pub whilst you are back home cooking and cleaning. This all being done by you as some glorified maid to him whilst you are lonely to boot.

And why does it make sense exactly for you and he to decide to stay together?. I can see the attractions for him, but for you no.

You could well end up being his carer, do you want that for yourself too?. You’ve sold yourself well short here and this man’s old enough to be your father. Maybe that is why you got together with him in your 20s, you wanted a father figure. And he’s not yet divorced here so you’re really the other woman.

Do yourself a favour and move out. Get therapy as to why exactly you’ve put up with this from him and chose him in the first place. Read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood..

Where are your family?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Get your own place again. This isn't going to change. I'm not suggesting you split up with him, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and it might save your relationship. Have your daughter round, watch what you want to when you want to and meet him for dates again.

You deserve more than being a side-character!

I have to respectfully disagree with the poster above who says that what you have now is better than being alone. Being alone doesn't automatically mean lonely.

I believe he does love me. Just not very good at showing it.

if something were to happen to him and I were to become his carer I don’t see there being any badness in that? U don’t just leave someone as they become ill or unable to help themselves. I’m not cruel, I’m bored?

Also my family are dead, all of them, parents, grandparents and siblings. Relationships weren’t great growing up but not everyone’s life can be easy I suppose.

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied as the French say.

What you have now is shit with your 20 years older boring lover/drunkard and is therefore NOT better than being on your own.

Where is your daughter now, is she nearby?.

Have you worked outside the home previously?.

I work full time outside the home.

my daughter is about 20 mins away, living with her partner. They have a great life don’t want to impose

I am so sorry OP - you are with a 'type' - the type (and there appear to be millions of them), who lack the intelligence, cogniscence, ambition or wherewithal to do anything more mundane than immerse themselves in pubs, drinking and pub culture. It is pathetic!

I wouldn’t have been happy living apart permanently
Then it was worth giving it a try, if you didn't just want to break up. You tried it, it didn't work, time to move on. And you've gained experience you can draw upon later. You've learned that a man who drags his feet about living together is not a man who's keen enough to put effort into a relationship. You've learned that you can make decisions in relationship and don#t just have to accept what you're offered. You've learned that you need to make it very clear what you want and expect from the start, and get a clear, believable message in return from your partner.

Stop making excuses for him because that does you no favours either. He still gets on ok with his ex wife and they remain married in the eyes of the law.

I think that no one ever bothered with you in childhood or showed you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is because this certainly is not it. It appears you learnt a shedload of damaging stuff about relationships and that made it easier for this manipulative man to draw you into a relationship with him. Why would man in his 40s at the time be at all interested in a woman in her 20s?. He saw you as easier to manipulate.

Where is your ambition and or drive here, it seems to be non existent or otherwise been sucked out of you. Being a carer too is a thankless task at the best of times for those who have good strong relationships let alone a relationship disaster like yours is and it’s not cruel to walk away.

Did you sell your property when moving in or were you renting? Does he own his property have you put money into his place?

Honestly, I'd go. It's not working, it won't improve, you're seeing the real him and you don't like what you see.

I was renting previously. He owns his property. I pay half the mortgage and bills since moving in, as well as half of any added expenses, food etc.

I think I would start looking for a rental property then. How easy is it to rent where you live?

Once sorted with a place to live then maybe it is time to work on your social life, join some groups and so forth to make some friends.

Good luck with everything.

OP, you're the unpaid staff.

More than unpaid, in fact - you contribute to the household finances. Giving him more money to spend down the pub, incidentally.

He really does have a good thing going here. You, not so much.

I really wouldn’t have an issue with the pub thing if we actually spent proper time together. Maybe he isn’t the issue here, it’s my lack of actually having a life

Are you named on his mortgage?. If not you should not be paying towards that in
particular

Household expenses should not be necessarily paid 50:50 either but proportional according to income

. You are to him his maid and it is also due to his alcohol intake that your sex life is in the toilet as well. None of this is going to improve so do not get bogged down in your sunk costs and plan your exit.

Exactly @Chersfrozenface he is the only one benefitting. Half his mortgage and bills paid, plus a live in cleaner etc. What are you getting out of it @Lostsomewhereinbetween ? Nothing really, he left you to your own devices on Xmas eve! I mean honestly, your first Christmas living together, it should have been special.

It’s both. Your lack of a life and his lack of interest in you at home other than to service his needs by cooking and cleaning up after him whilst he’s down the pub. His fellow friends are likely to be heavy drinkers or alcoholics.

He can’t even be bothered to initiate sex with you let alone divorce his ex wife. Is this really what you wanted for yourself?

God stop wasting your years on a much older man, get some self respect.

We have been together around 8 years and just recently decided it made sense for us to stay together.

OP your post makes very clear that it makes no sense at all got you to stay with him.

@Lostsomewhereinbetween are you virtually 40, as you say you have an adult child that's flown the nest?

Couple of years away from 40

I was in a similar situation last year, except I moved in with him for 8 months as I was waiting for my new house to complete. More functional than want. He was supposed to rent his out and move in with me. It never happened and we split up the week I moved out.

when I lived with him I did 90% of chores, He went to pub 4x a week and i was never invited. Apparently he wasn't a tv guy and everyone loved him at the pub.

I had to drive him too. It was easier than the moods. Our sex life stopped and I just gave up. He ignored me to play computer games and we stopped communicating. We lived very separate lives. I was so unhappy and wanted to move out sooner. But I knew I had an end date so started to live my own life without him.

moved into my lovely house and loved it, so we had a chat. I told him I wasn’t happy and lonely. Said he stopped doing things with me as soon as we lived together and made no effort. He said I was depending on him, I wasn’t just an hour away from my friends and work and saving. Said I was fun and he just wanted to drink with unemplyed alcoholics to feel better. He admitted he couldn’t compromise

before we moved in we did lots of things and had fun. We got back together 6 weeks later. He asked to chat to me. We agreed on boundaries and what needed to change. Now he is at mine around 4/5 times a week. I do all the chores as it’s my house and he doesn’t go to pub (took onboard my comments) but watch tv.

he showed me who he is and as much as I love him, this is not my life for the next 20 + years and will probably be having a chat in the next few weeks about our future. I don’t think he can change and I like doing things, he is more traditional and pub, food and package holidays.

living together I resented and hated him. Now I love him, but if we were to live together again I would hate him and have no fall back for security.

Thanks for sharing this. It sounds so much like us. We used to holidays together a few times a year, always went away for new year also. However this has stopped too.

maybe I could have a chat with him as it stands right now this is not for me

You’re 38, you have an adult daughter, and this is your life.

Jesus, OP. You have to leave this married, fat, old alcoholic. He’s utterly revolting and you are being totally used. Quite willingly as it seems. I’m gobsmacked about the shirt. Please seek therapy.

I’m baffled by the shirt thing haha I am very much an acts of service person. I don’t mind doing things for others but maybe I need to stop this 🙈

Ok, so when you say you've been together 8yrs you were essentially 30 then, not really "met in your 20's"

Is he like 51 as well, so you're making him appear much older and you far younger, because PP are already talking about the 20yr age gap that isn't there

Anyway, none of that is particularly relevant if he's been married to his wife the whole time and texts her Christmas day "miss you all xxx"

It's not that he won't marry you. He can't, he's married already. And doesn't want to divorce her. Surely you see he'd be back there like a shot and lives in hope of that. The whole "oh she cheated so never again" is a load of crap. If he actually felt that way about her he'd be divorced as fast as he could. He wants to be married to her.