Marriages where the man didn’t want to get married

[Appleyo]

In your experience, are they happy marriages?

I don’t mean where a conversation has been had about marriage eg “I think we should get married” and couple go and get married, as I think that shows a couple are equals and communicate well. More so when a proposal is kept getting brought up and after years and years a proposal is finally proffered.

I was thinking this, as a man I know recently got engaged and I congratulated him and he said that his girlfriend has been getting quite annoyed as they’d been together so long so he thought he’d better do it. 😂

Another male colleague when I got engaged and then also when asking if I enjoyed being married mentioned that he wasn’t bothered about getting married but his now wife kept mentioning a proposal.

I completely support women asking for marriage but I’d be fuming if my husband was going around saying he didn’t want to get married but I kept asking him to propose. I find it quite disrespectful.

I think if it’s the case where the man hasn’t realised it was so important and then proposed and doesn’t tell every Tom, Dick and Harry his wife demanded the proposal of him, that’s not an issue really.

What are your thoughts? Would you be fuming if your husband was telling people he wasn’t fussed about marrying you but you kept asking him to propose? What are the state of marriages in this scenario that you know of?

I also just remembered that my exes Mum and Dad had this scenario - still married - and he used to repeatedly tell my ex “don’t ever get married”. Wtf!!

Mythoughts are "what weak willed men that are too cowardly to speak up for themselves or try and take responsibility for their own futures".

Wholeheartedly agree! Weird behaviour.

PS hi Pam.

This is interesting. I’ve never heard anyone say this in real life but there are so many threads on mumsnet with men who don’t seem to want to marry their long term partners it must be common.

if a man did say this I like to think I’d tell him he’s bloody lucky she’d have him but I suspect I’d probably just nod and say nothing.

I agree!

Yes I’ve said nothing either mostly because I was quite surprised. Especially with the newly engaged couple. Lovely couple and absolute diamond of a woman. Just expected a “thank you” not that! If you don’t want to get married don’t! I honestly think better to stay true to yourself if you don’t believe in marriage or whatever the reason is, and not propose than do it because it is asked of you.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy isn't it?
The type of man who gives that sort of response is the same sort who will make a shit husband long term, and fail to step up to parenting responsibilities and shared workload.
The type who will whinge bitterly about being "taken to the cleaners' in a divorce.

One of my closest male friends has recently done this. He told me (and other friends) he didn't want to get married or have another child (his eldest dd from a previous relationship is 16) and then proposed on his girlfriends big birthday. They're still not married and have recently had a baby.
Her family had been very vocal about him "doing more" despite that not being what he wanted.
People are entitled to change their minds but i feel bad for his fiancee who doesn't know.

These are my thoughts too.

I also wonder why women are so keen to marry these men who are apparently so blah about them?

Maybe some people aren’t that fussed about being adored.

I can’t relate as I like the kind of man who proclaims his love for me often. 😂

I dont believe in marriage never have but thats me.

That is your prerogative - I completely respect that. I would assume therefore you would never get married? It’s the people who don’t want to but then get married that baffle me.

Honestly what the hell? 😂 It sounds like a mess. I feel quite sorry for both parties tbh.

How long have they been engaged?

This just reminded me that male colleague when I got engaged asked if we were planning the wedding or if we just got engaged to be engaged .🤣 ????

Another colleague who I hardly know congratulated me on my engagement and asked if I’d forced him to propose? Honestly who do I work with? 😂

Most men have a why but the cow when you get the milk for free attitude.

And really... why should they get married when it's much better for them to be unmarried, fully owning the house, having a live in female providing the babies & blow jobs?

I know a guy who didn’t want to get married, didn’t even propose. His gf just booked the church. He went along with it. Cheated on her before the wedding. She didn’t find out. Carried on cheating on her throughout the marriage. Eventually fell in love with one of the OW. She found out and he confessed everything, actually said he hoped she would end it. But she still won’t leave him despite knowing he clearly doesn’t even like her let alone love her, and he is still being too passive to do anything about it or end it himself. She is clinging on for dear life. Absolutely dire.

I do get it. Before I met my DH I never wanted to get married, I wanted to remain independent. I then met him and over time marriage made sense as I had met someone where I wanted to live life together as one (not totally literally, I still am independent!)

I am the ‘man’ in this scenario in that I owned my own home, high earner etc.

I don’t think you fully respect your partner if you’re happy for them to be unequal like in the situation you describe. It’s mean and miserly.

I've taken myself away from the situation to be honest. It was in the same week as the engagement that he'd mentioned it wasn't what he wanted. We were invited to the big birthday party, down he went on one knee and I stood with my mouth open in shock!
They've been engaged for a little over a year, obviously got on with having a baby very quickly after the proposal.

Horrific! This is like a soap story.

This is a poster for not dating men who aren’t that into you. It ends up in situations like this!

I have a friend who became married only because her now husband realised that his trial period for "getting the milk for free" was potentially going to get rocky instead of continuing to be the easier option, and so the easier route to continue receiving the metaphorical milk was to buy the cow. He didn't want to really, but her family took it and ran with it, and now he's like a weird bitter hostage.

I genuinely don't see why she elevates him to the status she does. I suspect it's based in having control.

I wonder if it is an aversion to poncing about in fancy clothes and spending thousands on fripperies rather than a dislike of the concept of marriage itself.

Perhaps the majority of them are the sort of bloke who would run a mile rather than attend someone else's wedding, and are determined to avoid having to do the whole shenanigans themselves.

I would be the same. How can you attend their wedding knowing that?

No one forced him to propose and in such an extravagant manner too? I am sat here laughing at how ridiculous that situation is, but obviously not funny for those involved!!!

It’s very sad.

I did the laughing reaction because of how wittily you wrote this.

Yes perhaps! I do think there’s a lot of focus these days on the wedding vs the marriage. When people get engaged it’s all about the country barn wedding less focus on the future marriage. Just my opinion.

I loved my wedding day but I love being married more.

I think a lot of it’s about status. They see other people get married and wonder why their partner doesn’t want to marry them. Having a man want to marry you imbues status.

That's exactly how I feel. I was asked to go to the gender reveal (yes i know 🙄) and the baby shower but politely made my excuses. I cant bring myself to support it all.

It baffles me that some women are so desperate that they do this, and that some men are so weak they allow it to happen.