Marriages where the man didn’t want to get married

[Appleyo]

In your experience, are they happy marriages?

I don’t mean where a conversation has been had about marriage eg “I think we should get married” and couple go and get married, as I think that shows a couple are equals and communicate well. More so when a proposal is kept getting brought up and after years and years a proposal is finally proffered.

I was thinking this, as a man I know recently got engaged and I congratulated him and he said that his girlfriend has been getting quite annoyed as they’d been together so long so he thought he’d better do it. 😂

Another male colleague when I got engaged and then also when asking if I enjoyed being married mentioned that he wasn’t bothered about getting married but his now wife kept mentioning a proposal.

I completely support women asking for marriage but I’d be fuming if my husband was going around saying he didn’t want to get married but I kept asking him to propose. I find it quite disrespectful.

I think if it’s the case where the man hasn’t realised it was so important and then proposed and doesn’t tell every Tom, Dick and Harry his wife demanded the proposal of him, that’s not an issue really.

What are your thoughts? Would you be fuming if your husband was telling people he wasn’t fussed about marrying you but you kept asking him to propose? What are the state of marriages in this scenario that you know of?

Yes, this

I also wonder why women are so keen to marry these men who are apparently so blah about them?

Low self esteem. I was raised to put others first so never saw the (many) red flags he presented. I took the fact he stayed in a relationship with me meant that he actually wanted to be with me rather than he was too lazy to find another home or partner. Marriage to such a man has nearly killed me (literally).

I think for a lot of men there isn't any appeal in marriage. They are often the higher earner/pension holder and get to protect their assets if unmarried. They aren't interested in "poncing" around in fancy clothes and having PDAs for photos so weddings aren't off much interest. It's now acceptable to live together and have kids without marriage so they get all that and someone to share the bills and chores/childcare (or do the bulk of chores/childcare) anyway. It also seems to have become usual for the kids to have the man's surname even if unmarried (i hate this).

Also there are the societal tropes in the background. For women marriage is often a higher social status (well done for getting him down the aisle, making an honest woman of you etc). For men the sayings are the opposite (the old ball and chain, nagging wife, 'er indoors etc.)

My husband probably would not have married me if I hadn't made clear that was what I wanted. He was happy as we were, just living together. He seems happy enough married though, 25 years this year!

I assumed it was that male trope of "the ball and chain". But actually now I think about it, my husband and his family think that I forced him to get married. Truth was I said if we aren't getting married, I'm out of here. I'm not wasting my time on a maybe. And yes it has made him bitter. But not bitter enough to end it. Hey ho

People have always gotten married when they didn't want to though, it's only fairly recently it's even become an option to live as you want to with a partner without being married.

A baby being born out of wedlock was such a taboo or even just sex before marriage and living together. So people got married early.

Getting married until recently was always a negative thing for women if they owned land or wanted to work with the expectation that they would stop work and any land would become their husbands.

Obviously now with divorce not being the taboo it once was women are better off getting married if they are to become SAHM etc.

But yes, if I had to drag a man down an aisle I wouldn't want him.

My parents got married in a Registry Office 6 weeks after meeting, with my GM and a witness off the street, their photos were taken in a Woolies photo booth, and their meal was in a pub with a cream cake from the next door bakery. They've been married 40 years - if you want to do it and it's important to you it doesn't have to cost thousands thats just a crappy excuse.

I've friends who got engaged over Christmas- it was a surprise to her that he proposed at that point, but they had previously had conversations about marriage, so they knew they were in line with the idea. Another couple of friends just quietly got married, register office, two witnesses after he recovered from a serious accident.

And then another guy admits he mostly got married because everyone else was doing it (early 30s) and now he's divorcing. I think I've known quite a few like that. It seems a poor reason to marry to me.

Yes. Perhaps some people focus far too much on the amazing 'dream' wedding they've always wanted, and having the perfect day they've planned for years.

Muriel's Wedding springs to mind!

I know someone who just went ahead and booked the wedding before her now husband proposed. Like full on, sent invites and everything.
She was late 30s, wanted kids, wanted to be married before having kids, so made it happen. I asked her why she’s didn’t just propose to him instead and she said it didn’t feel very traditional…because apparently booking and paying for a wedding before you even know with certainty someone wants to marry you is the traditional thing to do!!!
Anyway, they got married and had a baby within a year. He seemed quite shell shocked about his life, but not unhappy.
To be fair he is a nice person, was turning 40, was financially stable enough, but just seemed to sort of float along somehow. I think he needed someone to come along and take the helm.
Whatever happens with them long term I don’t think he’d ever regret it. He loves his kids and they have a nice life.

I think it also lets men get away with worse behaviour in a marriage....some twisted logic, where they didn't want to be there anyway, and she knows it, so certain things are allowed to slip unchallenged. Which isn't good!

I don’t want to get married, and I have no issue in telling people that. However I would never dream of telling people ( if I ever did marry ) that I didn’t want to get married or wasn’t fussed about marriage. I think that’s disrespectful.

I went to a wedding where the bride had planned and booked everything, told him at some point in the process and he went along with it, definitely no proposal.

He made a few cringe jokes in his speech about how he hadn’t even chosen his outfit but thanked her for organising it all. They’d been together ages, neither wanted kids, I didn’t know them well enough to know if they’d discussed it much before she went ahead with it.

As far as I know they were happy and he was alright about it all, he’s a quiet academic type not given to feelings, a friend of my ex so I lost touch with them.

I never really understand what this means in practice. I mean, marriage isn’t make believe is it?

Do you mean you don’t agree with marriage, rather than believe in it (as in believing in Father Christmas 😂)?

I have a cousin and a friend (both in the early process of divorce) who both said that looking back they had reached late 20s, felt pressure from friends and family to conform and marry/start a family, so settled for the guy they were with and talked him into marriage. Once the DC had left for Uni they knew they had nothing left in common (there had been difficulties in both relationships for some time) so they ended the marriages. No-one else involved AFAIK.

Would they talk their younger selves into marrying the same person if they had their life to live again? One said yes (because of their DC), but the other no!

I know a man like this. Openly didn’t want to marry his partner, with whom he had a child but the date was all set. We all (including his partner) worked in the same place and it was common knowledge he was having an affair with another senior level manager. He was duly caught out and the wedding postponed for a year.

They, quite shockingly, did go on to get married and still are, a few years later. They look happy enough but people always do on social media.

I have a friend who badgered her husband into proposing. She'd wanted marriage and babies from a year or two in. He wasn't sure. Or wasn't sure yet. Or wasn't ready yet. Etc. After years, the arguments about it became blazing rows which escalated each time, she would threaten to end the relationship if he didn't propose and they'd not speak for a week. Which then made him less sure, which made them argue about it more vociferously (horrible vicious circle). She was in her mid-late-30s.

She removed every obstacle to him proposing from him, even providing the ring to him. He still dragged his feet. Eventually he proposed. She pretended for a minute she'd "need to think about it" and she regales this funny story about the proposal to people constantly, and how "worried he looked".

Anyway, they're now married. It's not a happy relationship; both seem to have significant MH struggles now.

The whole thing was and is a toxic shitshow.

People feel so much societal pressure. So many couples I know just married whoever they were with in their mid thirties. Just ‘run out of time’. They end up divorced mid forties when everyone else is also doing the same thing!

Apparently, research has shown that the more money spent on the wedding, the higher the chance of divorce. My husband and I had a very small, inexpensive wedding because we wanted to get married and be together for the rest of our lives. It was about the marriage and not the wedding. I would have got married with just us and 2 witnesses but we invited immediate family, (parents/siblings) more for them than for us. Our parents would have been very sad to have missed our wedding. I never asked him to propose, he chose to do that because he wanted to marry me. I think women who push for marriage with a man who’s not into it shouldn’t. They should just leave the relationship because their partner doesn’t want the same things as them. Sad though that may be,
it’s better to be with someone who loves you than to be the ball and chain.
Any man who says these things about his wife or fiancée is a weak, disrespectful rat and he should have the balls to end the relationship he’s putting himself in and making out it’s against his wishes. What a loser. If I was their wife/fiancee the relationship would be over so fast it would make their head spin.

Agree. I’m a millennial and think this is very common still. Despite all the ‘independent woman’ talk when we were teenagers that came from Destiny’s child, spice girls etc. I know someone who’s husband manages all the finances and she wears it as a badge of honour that she has ‘no idea’ about it. Like it’s the 50s…

I really hope future generations move away from conditioning women to find a man as an all important life goal.

I met my husband age 29 so ‘late’ as per my small town’s general consensus. Didn’t want a relationship at the time as the choice of men as you get older was shite. Got called picky. Yawn.

I am so sorry to hear that. 💐 Are you going to leave?

I do relate, I’ve not always been so good with boundaries. I had a horrid boyfriend when I was teen/early 20s - never had healthy role models - and said ‘never again’.

By BF's husband took several years to propose and only because he was under a lot of pressure, however they still happy 15 years later, no kids but together because they want to be.
My exh on other hand was proposing after a few months, I said no at first then we did marry 5 years later, it ultimately didn't last, he left me.

I do not blame you!

I love love. I hate pretend love.

That is so cute, you sound like me and my husband. Our wedding cost 2k. It could have been even cheaper than that but we had all the things we wanted.

I agree it’s disgusting to speak of your wife as a ball and chain etc. If you feel that way don’t get married? It’s pathetic.

This was my husband. He had no problem with the idea of commitment but he thought weddings were an expensive faff and he hated the idea of being centre of attention.

Long story short, we did get engaged. Snuck off abroad and had a quiet wedding. Been happily married for 19 years. 🙂

Good lord! Who could be arsed?

Imagine that being your proposal story!!!

My husband got down on one knee by a lovely little stream in the middle of the country side, totally unexpected, clearly I’m a spawny bitch. 😂😂😂

This is lovely and healthy and definitely not in the “man dragging heels” domain! Happy for you both. 😍❤️