Marriages where the man didn’t want to get married

[Appleyo]

In your experience, are they happy marriages?

I don’t mean where a conversation has been had about marriage eg “I think we should get married” and couple go and get married, as I think that shows a couple are equals and communicate well. More so when a proposal is kept getting brought up and after years and years a proposal is finally proffered.

I was thinking this, as a man I know recently got engaged and I congratulated him and he said that his girlfriend has been getting quite annoyed as they’d been together so long so he thought he’d better do it. 😂

Another male colleague when I got engaged and then also when asking if I enjoyed being married mentioned that he wasn’t bothered about getting married but his now wife kept mentioning a proposal.

I completely support women asking for marriage but I’d be fuming if my husband was going around saying he didn’t want to get married but I kept asking him to propose. I find it quite disrespectful.

I think if it’s the case where the man hasn’t realised it was so important and then proposed and doesn’t tell every Tom, Dick and Harry his wife demanded the proposal of him, that’s not an issue really.

What are your thoughts? Would you be fuming if your husband was telling people he wasn’t fussed about marrying you but you kept asking him to propose? What are the state of marriages in this scenario that you know of?

Why would you marry him? I don’t get it. I can guarantee it’s a case of fake life on social media

I kind of rate this and I am rooting for them haha. I’m not against a woman saying she wants to get married AT ALL - it’s the forced proposals from the man I find a bit of a red flag.

Maybe this was an exception or her knowing her now husband and that she needed to take control and he would be ultimately happy with the outcome.

My BIL "didn't believe in marriage" but got married to his partner of 17 years after she proposed to him.

The relationship broke down after a couple of years and they are no longer together.

My DM had a friend who pestered her partner to get married. They had been dating for a few years. I knew he didn’t want to but he Finally said yes.

she asked me if my DD could be the flower girl and mom was so excited about it I let DD do it.

I remember the day of the wedding, it was so uncomfortable because you could see it in his face that he wasn’t in to it while she was all smiles and happiness. Less than a year later they were divorced.

I think if you have to force and cajole someone into marriage most likely it’s not going to work out.

The mind boggles. He looks like donkey from Shrek so it’s definitely not the looks factor.

I can only assume his now wife has very low self esteem.

What a smug, mean spirited thread.

I disagree. Was I smug or mean spirited when I said it was because of low esteem? Or mean when I said my marriage nearly killed me?

I think these things SHOULD be discussed more openly because if I'd read/known certain things then I probably wouldn't have had a life of hell.

Sounds like a woman who was very clear about her intentions and a man who strung her along for years and has now suffered the consequences of his actions?

Tbh I have a big male/female friendship group and about 80%, of the men in long term relationships have openly said to either me or DH that they don't want to marry their partners. 30% of this group the woman has proposed, 30% the man has proposed and 30% remain unmarried with woman basically cosntsntly hinting

I'm not sure if it's male bravado to say they don't want to get married. But either way I don't respect men who want to be in long term relationship with women, including buying a house and having children but actively don't want marriage when she does, and can't admit it or be honest with their partners. It actually terrifies me how many have now got married despite being very clear they didn't want to.

Many of these relationships have continued the same as they did before, unsuprisngly, because if your building your lives together marriage doesn't change an awful lot. But I think a lot of men my age are terrified of marriage and I find that quite depressing.

Terrified because it's a financial contract that enforces financial commitment. Even after divorce. A contract that protects his children, and their mother financially.

A real man wouldn't be afraid of this. A man child perhaps.

I notice a kind of social contagion in some male friendship groups. Where once the first person (man) proposes the others do within a few years, and then in others all hold off even when one or more women is thinking about it.
We did away with dowries a long time ago, I wonder when the presumption on men proposing will follow.

I got married to DH but he wasn't fussed either way. He knew it was important to me for security. We're still happily married almost 18 years later with several DC.

He would have quite happily cohabited too.

‘I really hope future generations move away from conditioning women to find a man as an all important life goal.’

Sadly, as long as we have a society where women are seriously disadvantaged by having kids and not being married when things go wrong, I think they will mostly want it. The ones who don’t want marriage must make sure they lean into their careers and are extremely financially astute - own a house, pensions etc. For every miserable man acting like a bitter hostage I’ve seen a couple of women living in dire circumstances and unsure how they will finance their retirement.

Why do you say the man would fully own the house?

Also to note that a woman with more assets and income would be worse off financially if married.

Not when divorce rates are so high. It's a risky endeavour for both parties.
Any man or woman reading Mumsnet would never marry, some would never have a relationship.
Social contagion works both ways. When I divorced, many of my social circle divorced too. Interestingly, not many have gone on to have successful new starts, some have buyer's remorse. Often it's better to have a time of reflection by being apart rather than rushing headlong into destroying the relationship.
Cheating and severe mental and physical abuse aside.

In my humble opinion, if a man genuinely loves his partner, and marriage is something he wants, he will propose. If after many years, there's no proposal and as a woman you need to keep asking him 'When is it going to happen'. The answer is either never or very reluctantly. To me, if marriage is not something you want (man or woman), you should be honest from the start. A man who is reluctant to propose, and does so because they feel pressured into it, doesn't love you enough to WANT to marry you. Marriage should be something both parties want, and not one-sided. I understand some people absolutely adore their partner but just aren't fussed on the idea of marriage. Nothing wrong in that, but again both parties need to be onboard with it. A friend of mine has always wanted marriage, her partner made it very plain to her from the start, he didn't want to get married. She continued with the relationship knowing this, and several years down the line, started on the 'When are we getting married' questions. He told her again, very plainly, I don't want to get married. It turns out, she thought, he'd 'change his mind' the longer they dated. He never did, and they split up!