Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Been together 12yr proposed but doesn’t want to get married

56 replies

Mummy9006 · 03/01/2025 15:41

Me and my partner have been together for 12 years, he had been married previously (only lasted a year). I had a one year old daughter when we got together but never married.

Marriage was something we had always spoken about it was always something both of us said we wanted to do but initially we were in no rush. We wanted to have a child together (which we did in 2015) and buy a house (which we did in 2020). That being said in 2016 we went through a really difficult patch I found out he had been gambling and he had got us into debit I left him briefly due to this. A month later we went on holiday and he proposed which at the time I was over the moon about but looking back I can’t help but think that was purely to keep me around due to the gambling problems.

So the proposal happened 9 years ago for the first 5 or so years I was in no rush I wanted to buy a house first and so did he. Once this was done I brought up the topic of marriage, I said to him I want something small nothing big or fancy even a registry office with our kids only. He constantly comes back and says he wants to give me a big wedding this is not what I want I have told this and he just brushes it off. When ever I bring it up I can’t get a straight answer out of him as to if he actually wants to or not. I feel so fooled and embarrassed I now try and avoid bringing it up as I shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to marry me!

I have sat back and watched all our friends and family get married in this time all of which have been together less time than us. We get constant questions as to when we are getting married and I want the ground the swallow me up.

His previous marriage ended after a short time, they were together about 4 years and only married for 1, they were both on their early twenties and she had cheated on him. I understand this may of caused some trauma but why propose if you no intention of going through with it.

I want to be his legal next of kin god forbid if anything happens it will be a logistical nightmare if we aren’t married I have tried explaining this but he seems unbothered.

I am so unsure where to go next, the longer I wait around the more resentment I have towards him which isn’t fair. I know this is terrible but I constantly think about if I was in hospital about to die and they offer us a wedding before passing away I would say no you didn’t want me when I was well you are not having me now! I know this sounds horrible and I hate feeling like this.

OP posts:

InkHeart2024 · 03/01/2025 15:45

WHY did you want to have a child and buy a house before getting married? Wrong way round, unless you're the higher earner and put in more of the house deposit? Who pays the mortgage and who earns more? Are you part time to care for DC by any chance?

Demodog · 03/01/2025 15:46

Time to have a conversation with him. Tell him you want to get married this year, you don't want a big wedding and suggest you both get on with booking a date.

If he carries on making excuses then you have your answer. If being married is important to you then it's the end of the relationship, as you aren't compatible. Don't wait around for promises of someday - if he wants the same things as you then there's no reason to put it off.

Original poster

Mummy9006 · 03/01/2025 15:54

InkHeart2024 · 03/01/2025 15:45

The house deposit was equal and in joint names so would be split equality if anything was to happen, it made financial sense to put all savings into a house which would increase in value rather than a wedding. The house/money side of things do not concern me I am not wanting to getting married to ensure I get half of his money we both work full time high earners and pretty much identical salaries/pension.

OP posts:

Azerothi · 03/01/2025 15:58

Why do you want this current boyfriend to marry you? Just for the reason you describe. There are much more pressing reasons to get married than you have described here. Maybe you just don't want to be a girlfriend and be a wife?

He is very clearly saying he doesn't want you as his next of kin in the context you are describing.

Original poster

Mummy9006 · 03/01/2025 16:13

Azerothi · 03/01/2025 15:58

He is very clearly saying he doesn't want you as his next of kin in the context you are describing.

He’s a good guy great Dad I love him I want the same name as our child. I want him to make any decisions about me medically if I am unable to. I want to be his wife yes

OP posts:

Lucytheloose · 03/01/2025 16:15

I'm sorry, but he clearly does not want to marry you and almost certainly never will, so your choices are to accept that or leave.

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/01/2025 16:17

I think you’re a mug OP . He doesn’t want to marry you.
Would he be willing to become legal partners so you are both legally able to make important decisions? Or is he just taking the easy route ?

pinkteddy · 03/01/2025 16:17

Some of the replies on here are horrid! OP would your partner consider a civil partnership? It doesn’t have to be a big event if that is what is worrying him.

Original poster

Mummy9006 · 03/01/2025 16:17

Lucytheloose · 03/01/2025 16:15

I'm sorry, but he clearly does not want to marry you and almost certainly never will, so your choices are to accept that or leave.

This is what I have been fearing, I think I know this deep down.

OP posts:

NewDogOwner · 03/01/2025 16:22

You have been conned. He never wanted to marry you and he won't now that he has everything he wants without needing to get married. You need to accept this and plan the rest of your life accordingly. By not wanting to marry you, he is making it clear that he doesn't want to offer you any financial protection in the future so plan your life with that understanding.

WickedlyCharmed · 03/01/2025 16:24

He proposed a month after you left him due to his gambling habit?

It was just another gamble - pop the question and see if she’ll stick around - and you did. He bought himself more time.

Now it’s the sunk costs fallacy.

I think the only way you stand a chance of getting him to marry you is by issuing an ultimatum. And do you really want to get married like that?

There’s no salvaging this situation. He doesn’t want to marry you. So unfortunately you either put up or shut up. Looks like his gamble paid off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/01/2025 16:26

I am sorry but I do not think he has any intention of marrying you. You have over the years handed over all your power and control here within this relationship to him all too freely. Does your child by him have his surname?. If so yet more leverage freely squandered by you.

He wanting to give you a big wedding event when you do not want this is he fobbing you off with poor excuses.

Has he gambled since?.

Your choices here are to accept this (and no you should not) or leave him.

CantGetDecentNickname · 03/01/2025 16:31

In answer to some of your questions:

looking back I can’t help but think that was purely to keep me around due to the gambling problems.
I agree, he was just proposing to silence you and keep you around. Please ask yourself if you could trust him not to have gambling problems in the future - are you sure it is a good idea to marry him?

I shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to marry me!
No you shouldn't and you are worth more than this. You don't want to get a proposal just to stop you leaving. Nothing romantic or loving about that.

We get constant questions as to when we are getting married and I want the ground the swallow me up.
I'd be honest with people and say he proposed 9 years ago and clearly doesn't really wish to marry you. Let him be embarrassed instead since he caused this situation. It will stop people asking as well.

why propose if you no intention of going through with it.
To keep you doing childcare and housework, not have to sell the house and co-parent, happy with his home life etc. Basically the current arrangements suit him and he isn't bothered by how it is making you feel.

I want to be his legal next of kin god forbid if anything happens it will be a logistical nightmare if we aren’t married I have tried explaining this but he seems unbothered.
Please try to let this go. The reverse is also true and he isn't bothered as to how things would be if something happened to you.

For what to do next, I'd suggest using this post as you have everything written down here and having a final calm conversation with him where you tell him that he needs to set a date with you and get a booking for this year or you will need to move on with your life as you are not happy. Don't put up with any vague promises (the usual one is that they're trying to find the right time to make a romantic proposal and you need to wait a while or that they want to give you a big wedding, even though you've said you don't want one) or let him push your deadline back at all (keep your deadline to yourself but stick to it). If he can't agree or tries any other stalling tactics (saying he can't discuss it now or whatever) then you are receiving a definite "no" and can make decisions based on that.

Either way, as you have children you would be sensible to have a Will drawn up if you don't have one already, so you can say who you would like to look after them if anything happens to you. You also need to consider who you wish to nominate as your beneficiaries on any life insurance and pensions that you have. If he clearly does not want to marry you then you don't need to factor him in to who you nominate to benefit or to look after your children if something happens to you. If he does agree to marry you, you would need a new Will after marriage so would be best doing it then.

Just remember that if anything does happen to him, you can do your duty as a good citizen and call emergency services for him etc, but after that you don't need to do anything as you are not next of kin. No visiting in hospital bringing things etc. You don't need to look after him when he is old or ill either - you've not made any vows about that. Make sure he knows this and if it happens, follow through with it.

Sardines57 · 03/01/2025 16:36

I don’t think he has any intention of marrying you now. There is no advantage for him, that’s his view. You have done things in the wrong order, the first flush of romance is gone. Sorry op. You could issue an ultimatum, might work but I wouldn’t.

Redruby2020 · 03/01/2025 16:37

I agree with other replies, he doesn't want to get married.
I know of someone who when things got a bit sour she gave her bf an ultimatum that they get engaged or they are finished, and he did it, but to me this is not the way to get a man to do things.
Although I guess as a woman it would give you a good feeling because you would feel that the man must be so in to, to do that rather than avoid losing you.
But then they still don't fully live together and went and had a child.
4/5 years later there's still no marriage happened.
It amazes me how many women are over the moon to be engaged.
It has been said that engagement has become the new marriage and a replacement for it, it seems!

Muddledandmiddle · 03/01/2025 16:41

What happened RE the gambling OP?

404ErrorCode · 03/01/2025 16:42

I’d be very wary of wanting to marry someone who has previously had a gambling habit that caused you financial problems anyway, OP.

Demodog · 03/01/2025 16:43

He’s a good guy great Dad I love him I want the same name as our child. I want him to make any decisions about me medically if I am unable to. I want to be his wife yes

Is he a good guy if he's stringing you along? Is he a great Dad when he's quite happy to lie to the Mother of his child?

If someone were to ask him this question:
Do you think OP is a good woman, a great Mum, who should have the same name as your child, and you should be her legal next of kin if anything were to happen, so why aren't you married yet?

What do you think his answer would be? And I mean his real honest answer that he would give if he's out with his trusted mates having had a few drinks.

You need to stop thinking about your feelings for him, and start thinking about his feelings for you. Does he deserve you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2025 16:46

Another vote for not marrying a gambling addict.

That aside, have you ever explicitly asked him “you proposed but won’t agree to setting a date, do you want to marry me or have you been treating like an idiot for years?”

If he says he won’t ever marry you will you break up with him?

HellofromJohnCraven · 03/01/2025 16:56

You've played all your cards. What's left? Take off the engagement ring and next time someone's asks when you are getting marries, say we aren't apparently?

Nn9011 · 03/01/2025 17:06

If he's not willing to discuss it and communicate a genuine reason for not marrying you then I'm really sorry to say that it's possible he has never had intentions to do so. Some men just need a woman in their life to fulfill a role and even if they don't want to marry they'll stay until their next relationship comes along or they find someone they do want to marry.

I would sit down with him and say that he needs to communicate with you. If he doesn't want to get married then he needs to be open about this and give you an explanation. He could surprise you - maybe he just is still scarred from his first marriage but either way you shouldn't want to marry someone who can't or won't communicate properly with you. That is not how healthy relationships function.

Azerothi · 03/01/2025 17:09

Mummy9006 · 03/01/2025 16:13

He’s a good guy great Dad I love him I want the same name as our child. I want him to make any decisions about me medically if I am unable to. I want to be his wife yes

Show quote history

While this won't help you, to all the other women with boyfriends and not husbands, don't be silly and have a different name to your child. Stick to time tested traditions with names and let your child have your surname.

To the OP, have you considered your boyfriend doesn't want to make decisions for you medically?

I think if you stay you'll have to name someone else to do all that. While some in the UK think next of kin doesn't matter it certainly does on a medical record.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/01/2025 17:19

You know yourself OP he only proposed to you to keep you happy in that rough time, with no intention of going through with it.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 03/01/2025 17:30

You can put anyone as next of kin

pensions can be left to anyone these days well most can

he isn’t going to marry you, you’ve already done the house and kid so why would he.

now if it’s important to you ask and set the date if he huffs and puffs you have two decisions to make put up with it or leave. Ball will be in your court then

aside from all that does he still gamble as that’s a big thing to hide from you as that would be a dealbreaker for most folks

TriangleLight · 03/01/2025 17:44

You don’t have legal rights to certain decisions if you’re not actually married or power of attorney. His children would have those rights as they grow up. You could make formal powers of attorney. And be sure to safeguard your child by making a will: take legal advice

if he wanted to marry you, he would have. 💐

Flip

1 2 3