Been together 12yr proposed but doesn’t want to get married

[Mummy9006]

Me and my partner have been together for 12 years, he had been married previously (only lasted a year). I had a one year old daughter when we got together but never married.

Marriage was something we had always spoken about it was always something both of us said we wanted to do but initially we were in no rush. We wanted to have a child together (which we did in 2015) and buy a house (which we did in 2020). That being said in 2016 we went through a really difficult patch I found out he had been gambling and he had got us into debit I left him briefly due to this. A month later we went on holiday and he proposed which at the time I was over the moon about but looking back I can’t help but think that was purely to keep me around due to the gambling problems.

So the proposal happened 9 years ago for the first 5 or so years I was in no rush I wanted to buy a house first and so did he. Once this was done I brought up the topic of marriage, I said to him I want something small nothing big or fancy even a registry office with our kids only. He constantly comes back and says he wants to give me a big wedding this is not what I want I have told this and he just brushes it off. When ever I bring it up I can’t get a straight answer out of him as to if he actually wants to or not. I feel so fooled and embarrassed I now try and avoid bringing it up as I shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to marry me!

I have sat back and watched all our friends and family get married in this time all of which have been together less time than us. We get constant questions as to when we are getting married and I want the ground the swallow me up.

His previous marriage ended after a short time, they were together about 4 years and only married for 1, they were both on their early twenties and she had cheated on him. I understand this may of caused some trauma but why propose if you no intention of going through with it.

I want to be his legal next of kin god forbid if anything happens it will be a logistical nightmare if we aren’t married I have tried explaining this but he seems unbothered.

I am so unsure where to go next, the longer I wait around the more resentment I have towards him which isn’t fair. I know this is terrible but I constantly think about if I was in hospital about to die and they offer us a wedding before passing away I would say no you didn’t want me when I was well you are not having me now! I know this sounds horrible and I hate feeling like this.

Why did you not give your child your name ?

He went to GA and had therapy he hasn’t gambled since we worked hard and paid off the debts

Because I believe him when he said we would get married! I would of given her a double barrel name if had known.

But that would still be his name.
Your child, your name.

I have asked him if it was a guilt proposal which he denies but I can’t help but feel that ways especially as a wedding has not transpired. With regards to the ultimatum this is something I considered but I know I will just feel like I have forced him into it if he agrees.

You did all the things you shouldn’t have done if you wanted marriage.

However I agree with PP, it’s probably not a good idea to marry a gambler. And if you have more DC with this prince, give them your surname.

Many people just can’t see the point of getting married. We have been together nearly 20 years. In that time we have bought a house and paid off our mortgage and had a child. Most of our friends are in long term relationships and many have children, few are married.

However the recent change of government and their IHT pension bombshell changes everything. If you are both high earners I assume you both have substantial pensions above the IHT limit on their own.

Previously these could be left tax free to a beneficiary but not anymore. That means that by April 2027 you really need to be married or in a civil partnership otherwise you will each end up losing 40% of your pension fund when you die and pass it on.

I know it’s hardly romantic stuff but when you are talking huge sums it is crazy not to act accordingly. If you both have £1m pension funds and don’t marry or get a civil partnership then one of you will lose £400k. That’s a house for your DC.

I suspect in the time leading up to April 2027 there will be loads of people getting married at registry offices. We plan to do it and not even mention it to anyone else as we don’t like big weddings and are really only doing it purely for tax purposes. The last 20 years have cemented our commitment to each other. Being married makes no difference to our relationship.

Is that a thing? Every single unmarried couple with children that I know gave the child the father’s surname.

They are all long term relationships of 10+ years so minimal risk of splitting up. I could understand it if the kids were the result of a one night stand or the father was a drug addict or something but not otherwise.

I want the same name as our child.

He proposed, you agreed your child's name based on this. Ask if you can now change the child's name to yours double-barrelled since it won't happen

Trouble is, you've given away the farm with no deposit.

If the parents are not married then why should the child automatically have the father's surname though?

‘Next of Kin’ has no real legal status in the UK.

You could each name each other as NoK on hospital forms, emergency contact on passports etc.

And you should in any case each have a Will (you can state who you wish to organise your funeral) and POA for health and welfare and for finance.

In your shoes I would make sure the house is owned as Tenants In Common and leave your half to your Dc with a life interest for him until the youngest is 21. In case he gambled away your assets in the event if your death.

You don’t seem to be financially exposed - you can replicate most of the other benefits of marriage through other legal means.

But it seems the emotional commitment of marriage is important to you.

Couples counselling?

I just assumed that’s what people did as I can’t think of anyone I know who used the mother’s name.

I’m not really bothered either way. I just wouldn’t entertain the double barrelled option that some people favour as they are just awful.

It's definitely a thing. Progressive.
To me it's an old fashioned mentality to give the dad's name if not married.

Also Idk where you get "minimal" from, unmarried couples have higher risks of splitting up.

The people I know in 10+ year relationships have all stayed together whereas those who married far sooner have a far more mixed record. That is hardly surprising. If you’ve built careers, bought a home and then had a child 10 years into your relationship you are far more likely to stay together than a couple who marry after a year or 2.

Im sitting in the ER (our A and E) with my husband of 30 years. Two kids. House. Etc…We are each other’s next of kin, ready to make medical decisions and, more, ready to look after each other. If he won’t listen to you—and your very reasonable fears—there is no way you can say he loves you. And you are a fool to love him. All decisions you made assuming he was a good person who wanted what you did were foolish—make wiser ones in the future.

Read that back. The simplest interpretation is that he is a habitual liar. You know that’s true you just refuse to believe it.

I think you should mention it properly and clearly in a sit down conversation. Wait and give him time to act maybe a month or two. Then mention it again properly. And then perhaps one last time. And then you know you really communicated how important it was to you when you walk away

This is obviously very upsetting for you as you love him and take him at his word. I agree with a previous poster I think you should say you are getting married this year or that's it. No more waiting around

Why are you playing the victim here? It clearly suited you at the time.

The resentment will eat you alive. I completely understand how you feel. I was in a similar set up but no children and I waited and waited. One day I exploded and everything came out of me like a festering boil! 😬 We didn't live together and he just got up and left and we never spoke again. He just wasn't on my page and never would be. Also I didn't want to feel I'd marched him to the RO with a gun in his back! Good luck. I hope you can sort it out! 👍

This man doesn't care how you feel and is not your friend.

The resentment will eat away at what's left of your feelings for this man.

Get out now, and never again give away all your chips like this.

Why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you?

Too late now, love.

They do.

Unmarried parents three times more likely to split before child is 14

www.thetimes.com/article/e8cac4fc-296c-11ee-aede-28bc53acbdb8?shareToken=75c6ddc867b64458a6621653715c1002