Been together 12yr proposed but doesn’t want to get married

[Mummy9006]

Me and my partner have been together for 12 years, he had been married previously (only lasted a year). I had a one year old daughter when we got together but never married.

Marriage was something we had always spoken about it was always something both of us said we wanted to do but initially we were in no rush. We wanted to have a child together (which we did in 2015) and buy a house (which we did in 2020). That being said in 2016 we went through a really difficult patch I found out he had been gambling and he had got us into debit I left him briefly due to this. A month later we went on holiday and he proposed which at the time I was over the moon about but looking back I can’t help but think that was purely to keep me around due to the gambling problems.

So the proposal happened 9 years ago for the first 5 or so years I was in no rush I wanted to buy a house first and so did he. Once this was done I brought up the topic of marriage, I said to him I want something small nothing big or fancy even a registry office with our kids only. He constantly comes back and says he wants to give me a big wedding this is not what I want I have told this and he just brushes it off. When ever I bring it up I can’t get a straight answer out of him as to if he actually wants to or not. I feel so fooled and embarrassed I now try and avoid bringing it up as I shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to marry me!

I have sat back and watched all our friends and family get married in this time all of which have been together less time than us. We get constant questions as to when we are getting married and I want the ground the swallow me up.

His previous marriage ended after a short time, they were together about 4 years and only married for 1, they were both on their early twenties and she had cheated on him. I understand this may of caused some trauma but why propose if you no intention of going through with it.

I want to be his legal next of kin god forbid if anything happens it will be a logistical nightmare if we aren’t married I have tried explaining this but he seems unbothered.

I am so unsure where to go next, the longer I wait around the more resentment I have towards him which isn’t fair. I know this is terrible but I constantly think about if I was in hospital about to die and they offer us a wedding before passing away I would say no you didn’t want me when I was well you are not having me now! I know this sounds horrible and I hate feeling like this.

Unless he has a much better pension than you just don’t bother.

Breathe a big sigh of relief that you're not married to a gambling addict

It's hard but for the best

Worth reading the above twice so quoting.

To me it's an old fashioned mentality to assume that you will change your name to his on marriage and give your kids that name. Other options are available.

He changes his name on marriage, both or either change your name even if not married, combine or use both names...we can all do what we like but to just assume 'his name' as the default without even thinking about and discussing options seems very old fashioned to me.

What about a civil partnership instead?

marriage couldn’t be that important to you as you had a baby without being married -

if being married is important you don’t do this
you get married first

and if having a baby is important and you aren’t married don’t give the baby his name until you are married

but your not that stupid as you have your name on the deeds / mortgage so if you split you walk away with your half and your pension which is better position than a lot of women who aren’t married or on the deeds and when they split they have 0 money

i would say he doesn’t want to marry you as he has everything he needs and being cynical if you split now he’s only got to split 50 -50 but if your married he has to split maybe 60 -70 percent and his pension

but I bet if you split up he would be married within a year
seen that happen time and time again