Historic rape - DH doesn’t believe me

[BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds]

I posted a while ago about a bad experience I had many years ago which was starting to surface again and cause issues in everyday life. Previous thread here but basically I woke to find someone having sex with me. I’d always blamed myself and labelled it “bad sex” but on confessing to a friend they made me realise it might be more than that. The overwhelming opinion on my previous thread was that it was rape.

I’ve had six months (so far) of therapy to deal with this and other more historic issues that have come up, and that affected how I responded to this incident. There been a hell of a lot to deal with, and it’s a work in progress, but for this incident at least I had got to a point where I did see it as rape and not my fault.

DH has been slightly bemused by my going for therapy and I decided to confide in him about this. As I said in my previous thread, I had confessed to him afterwards but had said it was a one night stand which (blaming myself) was how I saw it at the time.

It went about as badly as it could have done. DH claimed not to remember me telling him before but said that if I had I was now changing my story. I tried to explain how I hadn’t seen it for what it was until I had started going back over it recently when I was affected by it but he wouldn’t believe me. Had a go at me about my behaviour afterwards (I went off the rails big time to be fair). Blamed therapy for “planting ideas”. Said if I was drunk I wouldn’t know whether I had said yes or not (but I was asleep? I couldn’t have said anything). I was trying to explain but couldn’t stop crying, I pointed out that I had just told him I had been raped and asked whether that bothered him at all - his response was that well, if that was what happened that was bad, but really I had invited it by getting drunk, missing my bus and staying over, and that I continued to invite the same now by going out after work and sometimes missing the bus. (I get myself back other ways or stay with safe friends now - I do not take the same sorts of risks as I did back then).

My head is in pieces and I don’t know what to think now. I had got to the point where I could see it for what it was, I didn’t blame myself and felt much better about it and now I just don’t know what’s right anymore. This was over 24 hours ago and we just haven’t mentioned it since and I don’t know what’s to think. I also have a horrible feeling he’s going to be difficult about me continuing therapy and socialising around work. Maybe he is right and I did deserve it, I don’t know, I feel terrible.

I’m not sure how to get past this.

I wonder if this had happened before you were with him whether you would have got a much more supportive response? I suspect it’s all mixed up with the idea that you ‘cheated’ and in his head are now trying to absolve responsibility. He’s wrong, obviously, but I’m just trying to puzzle out his reaction, assuming he is not actually a toxic mysogynist, which really only you can know. However, don’t let his reaction make you doubt yourself. You were raped and this is never your fault.

I think your DH is getting a hard time on here.

Firstly, I want to say, that it's obvious to me, that you were raped, and I am so sorry that happened to you.

However, you told your DH at the time, that it was consensual, and that you had cheated on him. He would have taken you at your word, and why wouldn't he? That must have been horrific for him, yet he forgave you, and moved on, which is no small thing. (Obviously, we know that you didn't require any forgiving, but he didn't know that).

Now, all these years later, you have decided to tell him that you lied, and that it was in fact a rape. His head must be spinning! In his shoes, I would assume that for whatever reason, you were trying to rewrite history, and it would feel like an absolute head fuck. It's also opening an old can of worms, and I would find it distressing.

I can see me reacting in the same way he has, maybe stewing on it for a few days and then coming back to you, to talk again, once I had had time to process it. And then, in all honesty, I would be telling you to report it to the Police.

I find it really strange that he doesn't remember you confessing to a ONS all those years ago. It's something you'd never, ever forget!

As for other posters insinuating that your DH might in fact be a rapist, my mind absolutely boggles at the mental gymnastics required here, and this just shows how many people on here hate men.

For the record, I am not a man.

Your husband is a rape apologist. That's all there is to it, unfortunately, and it is far too common.

My abusive ex responded in a similar way, terrible attitude to women, and then blaming me for any time I was followed and the time I was raped, suggesting I invite it because I go out, until I became almost agoraphobic.

If the Pelicot case showed us anything, it is that there are many, many average Joes out there who think that behaving like this with a woman who is asleep or unconscious, is ok.

OP - I am so sorry you have experienced this. You are right to focus on healing yourself as a priority. It remains to be seen whether your relationship can be mended and that may not be clear for some time yet. I think I would struggle to trust and open my self emotionally again to this man if I was in your shoes... but I'm not and I only know the little that is shared here.

Take care of yourself.

his response was that well, if that was what happened that was bad, but really I had invited it by getting drunk, missing my bus and staying over

"I invited it"

Fuck that. We would be done.

God help you for all you have endured and now find out what a twat you are married to.
Think only of yourself.
He is not a good decent man.

No mental gymnastics needed to think that a man who blames women for being raped might do so to avoid taking blame for his own past abuses of drunk or sleeping women.

The Pelicot case has shown us how men who are clearly rapists will deny committing rape even as the video recordings are played in court and use mental gymnastics of "her husband consented for her" and "I didn't use force" and "I wasn't a stranger leaping out of the bushes" to justify their denial.

For the record, I am not a man.

Female victim-blamers do so because they want to feel that the rapists will spare them if they obey a set of rules that include "don't get drunk", "don't wear short skirts", etc. This is a false hope of safety. I was eight, at school, sober, didn't know what "flirt" meant, wearing PE kit, and trying to fix a broken shoelace when I was first sexually assaulted.

Women are within their rights to distrust all men because rapists don't wear t-shirts with "I rape women" printed on them. This isn't "hate", it's self-preservation.

I don't think he can cope with the idea that it happened to you and you were violated in such a way so he's trying to pretend it couldn't have happened.

It reminds me of the men who absolutely refuse to believe their child has autism or ADHD because they can't come to terms with the idea and therefore it must be an impossibility.

Good post and I agree

Now, all these years later, you have decided to tell him that you lied, and that it was in fact a rape

But that isn't the case is it? It has taken the OP lots of time, discussion and understanding to come to the realisation that it was rape. She didn't lie. At all.

This is very common with SA and Rape - women and children can disassociate, misinterpret, blank out or just go into pure denial about what men have done to them. With time and better understanding, they are able to look back and truly understand what has been done to them.

It is not lying ffs.

And then, in all honesty, I would be telling you to report it to the Police

It might be worth you reading up on how many rapes happen, vs how many are reported, vs how many make it to trial. TLDR:- the number of convicted rapists in the UK is so low (vs actual rapes) that its basically legal.

LTB.
Honestly, his reaction and him gaslighting you (which it is) is not helping your healing, it is making it far worse.
I grew up with sexual abuse in my family as a child onwards, and although it's not quite the same, I had to leave my family to heal and cut all ties.
I'm glad you have the intuition to think he is being unfair, because he is. He's a misogynistic arse.
It is NOT for him to say and it was rape.

I think sometimes a conversation which seems really clear and a massive deal to one person is taken in very differently by the other person. Or perhaps he tried to forget it because he did not know what to do. We cant underestimate how much people are preoccupied with their own lives and how much of their attention it takes up.

BUT

Had a go at me about my behaviour afterwards (I went off the rails big time to be fair). Blamed therapy for “planting ideas”. Said if I was drunk I wouldn’t know whether I had said yes or not

These are all really concerning comments. Many men are very ignorant about these issues (the research on how boys understand consent is really worrisome) and believe a lot of rape myths. Its what he does next that counts I guess - can you discuss it? Would he come to a joint session with your therapist if the therapist agrees?

I am sorry this happened to you - I hope you have other support in your life.

You can tell your husband from me he is a disgusting piece of shit.

I hope you find the strength within yourself to leave him and I believe exploring this in therapy will be beneficial.

I believe you op.

I'm so sorry - this is horrific. Is he controlling in other ways, as the blaming you for inviting sexual assault by going out, strikes me as really coercive?

Your DH is a rape denier and a rape apologist. You shouldn't stay married to a man with these views.

@BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds Plan to divorce this awful man.

My instinct is he may have done the same to another woman at some drunken party. Otherwise why would he be so keen to deny what it actually was?

This.