Historic rape - DH doesn’t believe me

[BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds]

I posted a while ago about a bad experience I had many years ago which was starting to surface again and cause issues in everyday life. Previous thread here but basically I woke to find someone having sex with me. I’d always blamed myself and labelled it “bad sex” but on confessing to a friend they made me realise it might be more than that. The overwhelming opinion on my previous thread was that it was rape.

I’ve had six months (so far) of therapy to deal with this and other more historic issues that have come up, and that affected how I responded to this incident. There been a hell of a lot to deal with, and it’s a work in progress, but for this incident at least I had got to a point where I did see it as rape and not my fault.

DH has been slightly bemused by my going for therapy and I decided to confide in him about this. As I said in my previous thread, I had confessed to him afterwards but had said it was a one night stand which (blaming myself) was how I saw it at the time.

It went about as badly as it could have done. DH claimed not to remember me telling him before but said that if I had I was now changing my story. I tried to explain how I hadn’t seen it for what it was until I had started going back over it recently when I was affected by it but he wouldn’t believe me. Had a go at me about my behaviour afterwards (I went off the rails big time to be fair). Blamed therapy for “planting ideas”. Said if I was drunk I wouldn’t know whether I had said yes or not (but I was asleep? I couldn’t have said anything). I was trying to explain but couldn’t stop crying, I pointed out that I had just told him I had been raped and asked whether that bothered him at all - his response was that well, if that was what happened that was bad, but really I had invited it by getting drunk, missing my bus and staying over, and that I continued to invite the same now by going out after work and sometimes missing the bus. (I get myself back other ways or stay with safe friends now - I do not take the same sorts of risks as I did back then).

My head is in pieces and I don’t know what to think now. I had got to the point where I could see it for what it was, I didn’t blame myself and felt much better about it and now I just don’t know what’s right anymore. This was over 24 hours ago and we just haven’t mentioned it since and I don’t know what’s to think. I also have a horrible feeling he’s going to be difficult about me continuing therapy and socialising around work. Maybe he is right and I did deserve it, I don’t know, I feel terrible.

I’m not sure how to get past this.

If it's any comfort, OP, freeze is one of most common reactions in this sort of situation - (fight, flight and fawn being the others).

It's a survival tactic. The "lizard-brain" takes over when under threat. It's normal but really upsetting/frustrating to think back on when you're questioning what happened.

OP - I disclosed a similar thing to my DP.

He was furious with the man who did it and really, really upset - when we unpicked it, he was upset because he wished he could have protected past me.

That is how someone who loves you, who isn’t a victim blaming misogynist reacts.

I’m so sorry - I believe you. I’m wondering how you are feeling about your relationship now? Is this something you could talk through with your counsellor.

Happy to talk offline if it would be helpful.

im sorry for what you went through and what you’re going through trying to come to terms with this. But I’m going to suggest a narrative that your DH might be feeling. Perhaps he blocked out the trauma of being cheated on. And he is now having to process this all fresh and he’s asking you if this was so traumatic why did you continue to engage in behaviour which puts you at risk if this happening again? And why didn’t you just recognise it as rape at the time and call it out. And as he hasn’t been taped he can’t really imagine what it would be like to as you say play along and bury it and he’s thinking a bit like CPS and why convictions are vanishingly small. You’ve had lots of therapy to helP with this. He’s not. Give him a chance to be the I’m assuming otherwise decent husband

What I mean to say, is that freezing (and fawning) are probably more common than the others - because fight can really get you hurt as men are usually much stronger physically and women are rarely socialised to have fight in their toolbox. Flight isn't always an option.

@BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds
In no way did I wish to minimise what happened to you, which I think we can all agree was traumatic and was rape. It's a shame your husband doesn't seem to have the emotional intelligence to deal with it in a supportive way.

I wonder if the problem is that (as mentioned in your previous thread) you told your husband at the time of the rape that it was just a one night stand/you cheated on him. I wonder if it’s just completely shocked him to now be told that actually the truth is it wasn’t a one night stand, it was rape.

I’m so sorry for you OP, maybe counselling for the two of you together would help.

Gisele Pelicot was asleep when 50+ men had sex with her.
Does he not agree that it was rape, or is his view that being unaware means it doesn't count?

Get a divorce. He is at best a cunt and at worst potentially also a rapist given he believes women who are asleep can consent.

@BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds how awful!
It really says a lot about the type of man you have married !
Why would any decent man /human stop you having therapy.
Honestly make plans to leave this dick of a man.

I could not stay with a man who believes a sleeping woman asked to be raped

I'm so sorry, my heart broke for you reading your post. You deserve so much better.

Your asshole of a husband has seen all the news coverage of the Pelicot rape trial of last year and can't understand what rape is?

There is something seriously wrong with this man.

You need to spend time apart. His presence in your life is magnifying and compounding the trauma of the rape itself.

If you decide to stay together it should be under the condition that he attends therapy in completely good faith and gets thoroughly educated about rape.

It's a huge red flag that he himself is a rapist.

I'd feel disgusted at him and couldn't continue a relationship after this.

I couldn’t get past it. What a total bastard.

If you were too drunk to remember consenting, then you were too drunk to consent!

He’s disgusting. I really couldn’t be with a man who not only had such little respect for me, but also who clearly has horrible beliefs. You need to assess whether you can be with him, knowing that he believes that being drunk means you are inviting rape.

You did nothing wrong, I am so sorry that you went through what you did and I hope that therapy is helping you.

I'm so sorry you were raped OP. I do wonder why it was easier for your DH to victim blame and start an argument than to just give you a hug and ask you what you needed. I work with rape victim/survivors and most just want their partner to listen and give them a hug/make them a brew after they've talked aboyt it/had a therapy session. It's not hard and he's awful for not being able to do this for you.

I do wonder why it was easier for your DH to victim blame and start an argument than to just give you a hug and ask you what you needed.

I think I can see why (although I can't excuse it, it's despicable behaviour)

For six months the DH has rested comfortably in the "victim" role: he believes he was cheated on and the OP owes him endless contrition. He has the moral high ground and the upper hand. He can disapprove of anything she does that he doesn't like, and she'll have no comeback.

Now she turns around and tells him that actually she was harmed badly through no fault of her own. This forces him off the high ground and puts him into a position where he not only has to stop blaming OP, but is expected to support her and comfort her, even if she's behaving in ways he doesn't like.

This U-turn is too much for him. His resentment at being cheated on (as he believes) should really evaporate, once he knows he wasn't cheated on, but in reality resentment is not so easy to get rid of. The switch in roles will only feed it.

He also may be in denial because he hates the thought of OP being assaulted like that. Maybe it's less unbearable, in a way, to imagine her consenting.

I'm just guessing here - and not in any way excusing his awful conduct. So sorry you are going through this OP.

I couldn't get past this.

His cold response to you being raped. His lack of belief. He thinks that if you miss a bus and stay at someone else's house you're responsible if you're raped. He thinks if you're drunk then it isn't rape. He thinks if you're asleep then it isn't rape.

At best, I could never respect him or feel loved by him again.

At worst - if these are his opinions then what has he done in his past? Could you trust him in the future?

Sending you big hugs, OP. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I think the mentality behind your DH’s absolutely appalling behaviour is something I would never be able to get over.

If your life partner is gaslighting and revictimising you in their response to this awful experience, rather than supporting someone they are supposed to love, they do not deserve to be in your life. Xx

I am so sorry, OP.

I wonder if your DH is afraid that therapy is going to make you aware of other issues that he would rather have brushed under the carpet? That his objectionable reaction to your rape is more designed to make you doubt the need for therapy, and therefore less likely to become stronger and more self-aware - but for other reasons?

If it wasn’t a yes, then it was a no.
it’s really not hard to understand is it?

i didn’t report what happened to me because i went to a man’s house and i knew and still know now that the CPS would not charge him with anything.

by your husbands logic, that if he ever falls asleep at a male friends home, he is consenting to his friend doing whatever he wants to him.

I think you should leave OP ❤️in my experience life is 100 percent better without men in it (other than family)

really I had invited it by getting drunk, missing my bus and staying over

WTF! So if a woman was drunk and missed their bus he'd see it as an invitation to rape her??

"I had got to the point where I could see it for what it was, I didn’t blame myself and felt much better about it"
stay in this headspace, you were right when you were thinking this way ❤️
Your husband is being a complete moron about this.
It's completely normal to do what you have done (minimize things as a coping mechanism but then later reflecting and realizing the truth).
None of this is your fault. Take extra care of yourself and confide in a good friend about the way he is reacting, being unsupportive and making this about his feelings / opinions.

What a bastard.

Honestly, I do think that sometimes it's best not to open a can of worms...and therapy may have encouraged you to do so unnecessarily. It may have caused more harm than good. But you're down the rabbit hole now so good on your for pushing forth and addressing things.

That asside, he is treating you dreadfully and sounds like a rape apologist. Sorry op but I'd leave him for that. Part of your healing has to be accepting you aren't at fault for evil mens behaviours. You can't do that if someone next to you who is supposed to love you and lift you up, is trying to drag you down and tell you you are at fault for the behaviour of bad men.

He needs to go.

FYI, it also sounds like he is controlling and attempting to use your past abuse to further control you. And as a stick to beat you with.

Sending hugs op. I hope you continue to find the strength to remove and heal from the damages of evil people. Take your husbands advice and act to protect yourself from bad men who mean you harm - by removing him.

There’s no coming back from this. Divorce him.