“Bad sex” or something else? Struggling with memories

[BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds]

I’ve recently been struggling with memories resurfacing from an incident many years ago and trying to make sense of it - I’d always just labelled it as “bad sex” in my head but having finally spoken to a friend about it, they thought it was more than that.

Basically - young, very very drunk and missed my bus home after a night out. Lost my friends. There were a group of people in the bar I’d been talking to as one was a vague friend of a friend - they said one of them had a place where they were all going to crash and I could too. Group included one guy X who had tried to chat me up earlier but I had turned down because I was married (and really didn’t like him anyway just to be clear) - we had had a bit of a row and I told him to get lost.

In the room, I remember telling X to stay away, he laughed. There were about 4 of us so it felt like safety in numbers, I fell asleep/passed out. Next thing I knew - I woke up - X was having sex with me. Stupidly, I didn’t try to stop it, I kept thinking that I couldn’t get caught having sex with someone. I just let it happen. At one point he switched to anal. It was horrible but I still didn’t fight back - can’t really explain it, I was afraid of making things worse.

I was struggling with my mental health for various reasons around/after this time, I don’t think this helped. Eventually told my husband I’d had a one night stand, didn’t go into details and he didn’t want any. Luckily he forgave me and we’ve put it behind us.

Recently I’ve started a job with a commute on the same route and there have been a couple of occasions where I’ve missed the same bus home and gone into a complete panic (even though I’m quite capable of getting back by other means these days and not so prone to making such risky decisions). It’s brought this back to my mind and eventually I confided the whole story to a friend. They were shocked and said it was rape.

I’ve never labelled it as rape, just bad sex, but it’s really really getting to me now. I feel like I’ve had it shut in a box in my head for all those years and now it’s out. I’m not sure how to make sense of it or put it back in the box?

That absolutely was rape. I’m so sorry .

Definitely rape. What a piece of shit. I hope you can let go of the panic, OP, now that you’ve identified the cause and found it’s in the past and can’t harm you again. Maybe a couple of counselling sessions would help? Best of luck xx

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was definitely rape.

There's sadly a misconception that unless the woman is actively fighting back, it's her fault because she didn't stop it. This is a gross misconception, and doesn't align with reality because many women in that situation experience a freeze response. What's happening is so shocking and scary that they don't know what to do and they become essentially paralysed. They then go on to blame themselves for not "fighting back".

You made it clear to him you weren't interested, you shouldn't have been put in a position of needing to fight back in the first place. He should have accepted your "no".

I think you need to tell your husband what really happened. I actually feel a bit angry to think you now have this label of having been unfaithful, and that he's had to "forgive" you for this. Would therapy be an option for you? I think it would help to unpack it with someone who's qualified to help.

Yes I have often said that I think movies and TV shows can be part of the problem here, most of the time when a woman is assaulted or raped on those they are depicted as always responding the same way. Hysterical and then scrubbing themselves clean in the bath or shower and normally followed by days, weeks and months of not being able to function.

The reality for a huge amount of women is very different, confusion and guilt are extremely common, and often they carry on as normal. No one would have been able to tell anything had happened to me the day after I was raped, I did go to the doctor and get the morning after pill but I just said the condom broke, but aside from that I acted as normal.

I think often when women don't have an immediate reaction or realise how bad it was that when the thoughts come up that it might have been rape then guilt kicks in and women can feel guilty that they would consider it to be rape because they're not a 'real victim'. I really really wish that people would talk about how the aftermath of rape and sexual assault often is confusion and blaming themselves.

@BlazinglikeRebelDiamonds
Similar happened to me and I always thought of it as being 'taken advantage of' but never as rape. I also felt a lot of guilt etc. I barely thought of it for years except for when I felt guilt. But one day a man followed me into the bathroom and said the exact same thing that my rapist had said to me. I remember going home and just dropping down at the door and staying like that for an hour or two in a bit of shock. I later briefly went for therapy (not for that reason) but to give the therapist an idea of why I felt the way I did I listed out a lot of bad experiences I had, including that one. Afterwards the therapist said to me 'can we go back to the rape?' (I hadn't referred to it as that) And I must have looked at him as if I was questioning if I had the right to call it that and he just nodded at me and said 'It was' 😢It still took me a while to get my head around it and fully accept that it was rape but it was almost like I felt I had got permission from the therapist to call it that. It can be very unsettling when past buried trauma resurfaces so I hope you are ok 💞

Thanks for your messages. A lot to think about.

@yellowsmileyface I don’t think I can tell him now, it’s been 20 years and it’s not something we speak about for obvious reasons. Where do you start with something like that?

I genuinely did see it as my fault, always have - I was stupid and reckless, put myself in a risky situation and it didn’t end well, and yes I do think I could have stopped it. But I always knew it wasn’t quite right, that it was a horrible experience. And I hated myself for being “unfaithful” and breaking my vows, I always felt I’d broken something I couldn’t ever really fix 😔

Oh my darling, this is absolutely rape, I’ve had it done to me too.
You have NOTHING to feel guilt over and you didn’t break anything.
Whilst it will be a differcult and hard discussion to have with your husband I’m sure he would welcome the honesty and also knowing that you never did cheat and never chose another man over him.
Give yourself some love and I’d arrange some therapy to help you process this. 💐

And I hated myself for being “unfaithful” and breaking my vows

That's why I think it might be beneficial to tell him. Not only did you experience the trauma of the incident itself, but you had to deal with the guilt and the anguish of the aftermath feeling like you'd been unfaithful. So I think the aspect of feeling like you cheated is tied up into the trauma, and it might help you to deal with it if you were honest with your husband.

Having said that, it's of course a very sensitive issue and if you simply don't want to tell your husband, or feel it would be opening a can of worms you don't want to deal with, I completely get that. It's entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

It was rape because you did not consent in any way.

@kkloo @MiddleagedBeachbum I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar, it’s sad although maybe not surprising to see it’s so common.

I can completely relate to carrying on as normal the next day - I went to work and just got on with everything.

My friend suggesting accessing therapy too, I need to have a think about that. One of the things that was freaking me out is that I don’t seem to remember missing the bus home when it happens now - I always remember what happens up to that point and afterwards (eg getting taxi home) but I don’t remember the point where I missed the bus. I’m aware that sounds slightly crazy. But I can’t help feeling it’s linked - I think when I miss the bus, in my head it takes me back to that point. Interestingly I always seem ok at the time, I just don’t remember it afterwards.

The obvious answer is to make sure I don’t miss the bus - but it’s a mess.

When I was 25, I shared a twin room travelling with a man I'd met a few days earlier. I actually fancied him. I woke up in the night to him having sex with me. I definitely did not consent. I didn't know he was doing it until too late. I didn't react, like you I just put it down to bad or even "surprise" sex. It was only at the age of 49 that I suddenly realised it as rape. I feel so awful for you that you have lived with the guilt and blame of "being unfaithful", in addition to being horrifically raped, in a room full of people, I can understand why you would have felt relatively safe at that time.

I'm so sorry, it was absolutely rape. Please confide in your husband if you feel able to!

You didn't give your consent, it was rape, I'm so sorry

Thank you to everyone who commented and sorry for vanishing. I am trying to get my head around it all. I still struggle to label it as rape even though it’s pretty unanimous here 😔

in all honesty I think, as well as the feeling I could/should have prevented this, my perception is maybe a bit skewed as this followed a number of toxic/abusive relationships when I was very young and when I look back I am had already had my boundaries pretty firmly trampled over. But there’s probably a whole other thread there!

@RockingBeebo I’m so sorry that happened to you too.

I had a very similar experience with a guy I went on a date with. He drank too much to drive his car so I said he could stay in my spare room. I was clear that I didn't want to have sex. I woke up to him on top of me and froze. I was crying saying "I said no" but he carried on.
It wasn't until some time later talking with some friends when we were chatting about the last time we had sex and I said "it was on x date but I didn't want it". One friend looked at me and said "that's rape" and I just looked at her. It took a while to process it.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I would recommend telling your husband, you need to unpack this and process it.

It’s disgusting so many men seem to feel it’s fine to rape a woman when she’s asleep . Really revolting.