Daughter was home from Uni 3 weeks and I never managed to connect with her

[TheBramley]

She goes back tomorrow. I just had to go out for a drive so that I could have a proper ugly cry. She’s really happy - she spent all the time in her room with the door shut chatting to uni friends or her sister, or out and about and staying with local friends. I thought eventually we’d have a proper catch up and a bit of a giggle, but she leaves early tomorrow and she’s up in her room with the door shut playing songs with her sister. She’s been nice enough I guess but never wanted to do anything together the way we always did until September. I’d never let her see, but the last time I sobbed the way I did today was after a late miscarriage. It feels like something really heavy has fallen over in my chest. Where do I start feeling happy she’s finding her tribe and new life and stop feeling bereft?

Did you actually have a conversation with her and explicitly tell her it was important to you that you spend a couple of hours with her? Otherwise she's sat in her room completely oblivious to on how you are feeling and she won't get it until she has children of her own.

If you've just said to her "do you fancy a walk to X" and the weather been a bit crappy and she hasn't felt like it and just said no, instead of you saying "I love that you are having a great time at uni, I've really missed you, let's go to X Bakery for coffee and cake tomorrow afternoon, my treat"

I felt a bit heartbroken when my DD didn’t need me anymore but everyone tells me that they will come back and she is just living her own life so now I just soak up any of the free time she gives me.

When I spoke to my parents about it they said ‘Did you want to hang out with your mum when you were a teen?’ and I realised they have a point. It’s nothing harsh. They just enjoy doing their own thing.

we're going through this a bit with DS1.

he's not shut away in his room, but he' constantly needling his younger brother, bashing about the house when he goes to bed well after midnight, not getting up til 1pm and generally being a lazy git.

i think we were all hoping that living with a lot of other people in his halls flat might have made him a bit more considerate.

instead, it feels like he's just reverted to a sort of child-state.

your dd will likely be the same - she's back in a familiar, safe space where she can divest herself of the responsibilities of independence.

plus she's got 4 months of new experiences to catch up on with her friends from home.

if you're the good mum you seem to be from the info you've given, she'll remember to appreciate you at some point (might not be before she goes back though)!

One Christmas break doesn't define a relationship. Nor is it a reflection of what was or a glimpse into what will be. If you and DD have a good solid foundation of a loving relationship, you like each other and have been companions all this time, that won't have vanished since September. All that's happened here is that in the short time she's been home she's been relaxing safe in the knowledge that you will be 'mumming' away in the background, like always. For you it's a big deal of precious time together to her it's just home and business as usual.

We set out expectations before ours went to uni about contact etc and what we expected when they came home too. This did include spending time as a family doing things we always have. On the positive side for you, your DD hasn't morphed into someone you don't recognise and she seems close with her sister. I think I would tell her that it was lovely having her home and maybe at Easter she can think of some things you can do together. Focus on positives and how you phrase things rather than you never spent any time with me.

I have always reminded mine that there is give and take, we do things for and with other people because it is important to them. I have sons, one just out of uni and one in their first year. We have always watched tv shows and films together and this Christmas was no different. We saved watching some for when Ds2 was home. We also "made" them watch the latest Wallace and Gromit which they both enjoyed.

Can you arrange to visit her at uni and get her to show you around/spend the day together?

i think it’s a sign you have raised a confident, independent daughter so don’t be too sad.

Same here.
Ive learnt that dc goes back into teenage mode when back at home.
The best way to get that connection (that dc craves btw) is to go out together on a 1-1 basis. Usually a restaurant goes well and maybe a walk in town.

It gets better as they settled down too. After the first rush of ‘great! I’m independent and can do whatever I want’, they grow into adults that you can relate to as adults.

Could you schedule in a visit to see her at uni in a few weeks time and take her out for lunch or a coffee? That might be a nice thing to look forward to.

I don’t say this to increase your hurt, but your daughter has ‘moved on’. Home is no longer the centre of her life. Be patient, once University life settles, maybe becomes a bit more hum drum, tiring or difficult, her trips home will become special and appreciated. Be patient, our children do, in the main, come back to us. More mature, altered, moulded by outside influences and experiences, but their grounding at home stays with them. Be patient.

Next holidays, arrange to do something with her - go for a coffee / brunch / trip to the shops etc. It sounds like you were expecting it to happen naturally, but maybe you need to be more proactive and get something scheduled in.

My 29 yo son came home for 2 weeks. He was much more sociable this time. But we didn't engage a great deal mainly as my dad ended up in hospital and I've been distracted with worry...he's 2.5 hours away. He's just sent the most lovely message saying he's back in London and thanks for a great time. It's taken a while to get to this stage in our relationship but definitely so much better

I didn't like spending time with my parents in my late tweens/twenties either. But still loved them

Mine is in year 2 and is the opposite of last year.

She sees some of her old school friends in person and chats online. But she seems to be forever asking me what I would like to do today which is nice but exhausting and she never has any ideas. We also have very different schedules I am up early at 7am to take the dog out and I work part time whereas she doesn’t get up until after 11. I love her to bits and she hasn’t been the easiest person to get along with since she hit the teen years. I am still treading on egg shells incase I say or do something to annoy her when we are out and their is so little to do around here.

We have just been out for a walk to Aldi after work and we taken the dog out in the woods in the dark but at least she is trying and making an effort and I am boosting my step count. She goes back on Monday.

If I was you OP I would maybe offer to take her to a bar, or for a coffee, suggest a walk, share a snack or bottle of wine and watch a film etc.

This is completely normal, OP. You've obviously done a good job in bringing her up to be confident and independent - just be happy that she's so comfortable in making her own way in the world.

Thank you everyone for being kind enough to reply.
I have tried to arrange things but she’s always been nice enough but turned me down. I don’t know how much I’m giving off needy vibes - lord knows I’m trying not to, but she was always on the sofa or at the kitchen table babbling away and now all I can hear is a dull baseline from behind a closed door and happy laughing.

Dear God, no - that just looks like stalking! Please leave her be.

I definitely know how that feels but I would say be pleased & relieved that she's so happy & clearly having a great time.
My eldest struggled a bit at first & that was harder to cope with especially when she went back unhappy. And the miserable texts & phone calls were difficult too. 😢

I think arranging to go up to see her during term time (if that's possible) is a good idea, then you are entering her new world which she will be keen to show off.

You are the mother go into her room and tell her how you feel. Just as u told us strangers. Say you want one hour - a walk a drink whatever. But do something. Your passivity will destroy you.

She turned the activity down, but did you actually point out that you wanted to spend time with her. You don't have to be needy or guilt tripping but sometimes you do have to spell it out really obviously (with a sledgehammer). "Ok, You don't fancy X that's fine. I would like to spend some 1:1 time catching up tomorrow, can you think of somewhere you would like to go, or something you would like to do for a couple of hours with me tomorrow?" Or even just call her down to help you prep a salad or wash / dry up.

I'd go up to her room right now and say you are taking her out to X pub at 7:30 for an hour to catch up before she goes back to uni. If she says she doesn't feel like it, just say it's important to you, if she's generally a good sort the penny will drop.

Dont worry about ‘needy vibes’. Be honest and straightforward

But have you actually said to her "I want to spend some time with you".

We're all self absorbed at that age, it's not about you. She'll have been turning you down because she doesn't want to do the activity, not because she doesn't want to spend time with you. You just have to be really clear, "I've missed you while you were gone and I'd love to spend a good few hours with you having a catch up"

It's probably too late for this time but you can set the ground work for next time she's back.

Mine have now boomeranged back, not in terms of where they live (not with me), but in terms of how much they value my maternal presence or opinion as opposed to their friends (and they very much have friends and their own lives).

IMHO you need to give them time to mature and spread their wings. It can hurt, I had to untie the apron strings firmly with one of them in particular in their teens, and I said to my friend a few years ago "well I suppose I succeeded and should be pleased". N.b. none of the adult children were really inconsiderate or absent, but there has been a subtle shift as they have gone into their late 20s and early 30s.

Go up knock on the door and say. "As you are off tomorrow fancy coming down for a cup of tea and a chat for a bit. "

On the bright side she clearly has a fabulous relationship with her family - including her sister. I would have absolutely loved to have that with my sister. Is her sister younger? She's giving her sister something pretty special, to look up to, admire, a sister and a friend.
She doesn't need right you now because what you are to her is 'mum', the person who cares for her, probably tells her what to do, not boring but just not relevant to this new shiny phase. But this is just a phase. Since having children I need my mum more than ever.

The alternative (she’s incredibly unhappy at uni) is far worse. It’s hard, but there comes a point most teens / young adults pull away a bit. My son is year 3 and has a girlfriend and doesn’t need me at all anymore. It’s ok, the alternative is much worse and i’m glad he is happy and settled.