Daughter was home from Uni 3 weeks and I never managed to connect with her

[TheBramley]

She goes back tomorrow. I just had to go out for a drive so that I could have a proper ugly cry. She’s really happy - she spent all the time in her room with the door shut chatting to uni friends or her sister, or out and about and staying with local friends. I thought eventually we’d have a proper catch up and a bit of a giggle, but she leaves early tomorrow and she’s up in her room with the door shut playing songs with her sister. She’s been nice enough I guess but never wanted to do anything together the way we always did until September. I’d never let her see, but the last time I sobbed the way I did today was after a late miscarriage. It feels like something really heavy has fallen over in my chest. Where do I start feeling happy she’s finding her tribe and new life and stop feeling bereft?

Surely if someone wants to be around you, they would be? I don’t want to push her to do things she doesn’t want to do. She’s worked hard to arrange meals and clubbing and shopping with friends. I tried a few similar suggestions and was, however gently, rebuffed. As soon as she’s cleared her plate into the dishwasher each night she’s off up the stairs. She says thank you for the meal and smiles but then I don’t see her until the next afternoon. I didn’t see her Christmas Eve at all and she went off to make a phone call on Christmas Day afternoon that ended up taking 2 hours. (I honestly don’t think it’s a romantic partner because it clearly had several people on the call and there was lots of raucous laughter)

I totally get your hurt but you do need to spell it out to her that you miss her (but I probably wouldn’t do it before she goes -but before the next visit home)

💐 I wouldn’t make her feel bad tonight which is why you are driving out alone and upset but holding it in is tough (is there a dad on the scene or what age is sister ? ). Could someone gently intervene like a nice aunt ?

I've been on both sides.

I felt totally smothered when I came home for my first Christmas. I'd had a term of being grown up and independent and then suddenly found myself back at home with my parents expecting nothing to have changed. I spent most of the time either working or out with friends.

My eldest is now at university. First few holidays, he was like a caged tiger when he was home. I told him that I have no expectations of him, other than him letting me know if he's out over night and if he needs feeding. I always booked in a few activities, in the diary, in advance.

He's pretty much moved out. He's lovely when he's here, but he's been all over the country as well. He's so happy, I'm just happy for him.

He also reads Mumsnet, so hello if you recognise this, son!

@TheBramley - think our kids are at the same uni.

itsca sign she’s settled in and as hurtful as it may seem she’s spreading her wings. Once fully spread she’ll settle down and appreciate family more. My ds didn’t settle so quickly so has hunkered down at home and going back tomorrow. I fully expect him to settle and then home will just be hotel and food.

but no harm in setting out expectations and dates for the Easter break.

the nature of your relationship will change now shes an adult but there’s lots to look forward to.

Surely you shouldn’t have to spell out that you want your DD to spend some time with you? I totally get this @TheBramley My DD will only do stuff with me if her friends and bf are unavailable. I’m literally invisible.

Aw OP I can remember doing this to my poor mum my first year of uni. She will come back to you.

I think your instinct not to chase her and to let her come to you is the right one OP, and disagree with the advice to ask her to spend time with you or tell her how you feel. There is no value at all in camponionship she feels obliged to give you. It will be forced and awkward and could feel worse. The odd suggestion to do something specific- fine- but otherwise, you need to relax, do your thing, knowing she's safe happy and having fun under your roof. She will spend time with you in the future, of course she will, but any hint that you need this from her will be off putting.

Well you’ve done a good job that she’s independent and happy.

Mothers do have to have other focuses than their kids because they are programmed to leave.

By the time she gets to 25 she will want to spend more time with you.

It's.hard they just don't realise. With DS I used to arrange a lunch "date" in our local pub before he came home so I was in the diary, and he liked pub lunch on Mum. I also used to have a meal in our tapas bar each time I either dropped off or picked up . He had such good memories.he chose to go there pre graduation too. Get in 1st at Easter and set time before she comes home.

I completely feel for you as am there myself - mine came home for about 5 days - mostly I think as she was skint and she could be warm and fed here. As soon as we gave her some cash for Christmas she changed her travel plans and was off. She is yr 2 and I console myself that I have done a good job making her independent and I miss her like crazy so I make plans to meet her in London and do things (even though it wipes me out health wise) as otherwise we wouldn't see her, hasn't been home for more than 3 or 4 days till this month when it was planned around 12 days and ended up being 5. She doesn't have many local friends so there isnt that pull etc. My advice is understand that this is a life stage, that kids tend to come back as they hit late twenties early 30s and in the mean time create the opportunities away from other distractions.

xx

They do disengage during their late teens. Their friends are their focus, but they do come back to you as they get older. My dd and I used to do a lot with each other, then she started with a mad social life and we kind of disconnected for a while. Now she’s settled in a relationship, living with him, and no more partying, and we have slipped back into spending lots of time together,

Oh I remember that period where my daughter loved me, but was so busy in her own bubble with friends and uni that I became invisible. A decade or so later and we have never been closer. But like you I would go into my room and bawl my eyes out over it. Yet be so proud of DD. I was a bit lame for a time, and was not ready for this chapter, so glad how things turned out though. Its part of growing up together I suppose.

Thanks everyone for being so kind. To all the people going through similar, solidarity.

I live in the middle of nowhere - surrounded completely by sheep fields and birdsong. I watch every year the ewes get throughly fed up with the lambs at a certain point and lick them into next week to stop them suckling. I have a pair of nesting robins in a brick gap above my door every year and there is always a point where the couple end up telling their first set of youngsters to eff right off because they are onto brood two for the year. I guess this silly sadness is a good thing really.

You sound needy. She will come back to you eventually.

Thinking back to when I was at home in my early 20s, It was always nice to be home for christmas but I will caveat at saying it was also full on social life wise. I think by the time I got to 19yrs I went out with friends every Christmas Eve, Christmas morning we would lie in until mid morning, we might go out boxing day, sometimes meet at the pub for lunch a couple on christmas day with friends and always out for NYE. I loved going out on Christmas Eve so much, I missed it the first year I had my first baby although of course I had other priorities with Father Christmas duties in subsequent years. Things like phone calls on Christmas day might be annoying to us but the day itself can feel quite long.

Now I have a 17yr old who also spends a lot of time in her room, on her phone or working. I know she enjoyed Christmas but I can see that it's not the same as it used to be for her and even at Christmas will spend parts of the day in her room. My Mum told me I was exactly the same and not to take it personally.

@TheBramley I know what you mean. I'd ask if you can visit, or even just say you'd love to visit and have a catch up say late Jan..am sure she'd love to show you her dogs etc.

I hardly think visiting your young adult at Uni (with their agreement) and taking them out for lunch is stalking

She doesn’t sound needy at all, just understandably a bit upset.

I think it is particularly hard for teens when they come home to quite a rural home - especially that first christmas.

They are used to having their independence and suddenly they are stuck at home in the countryside away from all their new friends.

It does get better though and I know it is a trite saying about giving your children roots and wings but it sounds like you have really succeeded in doing that.

I make a date to see mine when they are at uni. Otherwise I'd not see them.

It's so hard isn't it? It's a bit different for me, our son left for university giving us 4 weeks notice. He got in through clearing after telling us he was taking a gap year. He then changed his mind so it was completely unexpected. He was back over Christmas, we went to the pantomime together and watched a few films but other than that he went out with friends or sat in his room. He said he was going back to university as he was working but he needed to check his rota. The next day he said he was going back to university that night as he was working the next. He then left 2 hours later. I sat and cried. I thought it would be easier than when he left in October but it wasn't. It's so hard to let go but he is having the time of his life at uni and that makes me happy. Maybe talk to your daughter and arrange to go and see her and maybe plan a day out. It is hard, no one warned me it would feel like this.

I also visit mine at their respective unis, take them for lunch and a look round the shops and the sites. Neither come home for weekends whilst there.
At home we do cinema trips , or pop into town.

@Starlight40 yikes - that sounds brutal without even the build up and warning?! I saw this coming and I’m still reeling.

it sounds like you have done a great job, she is happy and settled. You provide/loans do enough money so perhaps no need to work in this holiday and get lifts from you etc….

My Oldest was always nicer when running out of money! I made it clear I was not just a bank after year 1!!