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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter was home from Uni 3 weeks and I never managed to connect with her

61 replies

TheBramley · 02/01/2025 17:36

She goes back tomorrow. I just had to go out for a drive so that I could have a proper ugly cry. She’s really happy - she spent all the time in her room with the door shut chatting to uni friends or her sister, or out and about and staying with local friends. I thought eventually we’d have a proper catch up and a bit of a giggle, but she leaves early tomorrow and she’s up in her room with the door shut playing songs with her sister. She’s been nice enough I guess but never wanted to do anything together the way we always did until September. I’d never let her see, but the last time I sobbed the way I did today was after a late miscarriage. It feels like something really heavy has fallen over in my chest. Where do I start feeling happy she’s finding her tribe and new life and stop feeling bereft?

OP posts:
HPandthelastwish · 02/01/2025 20:13

@Prettydisgustingactually Well my DD is autistic so it's a bit different but yes, speaking plainly and asking for exactly what you want/need is the norm in our house as she would never read between the lines.

I'm not sure that's a bad method to use with other people either rather than expecting them to read your mind, if the alternative is going for a drive to "ugly cry". OPs DD is on autopilot and takes mum for granted as all children with supportive parents do as they know no different. She probably won't think about how her behaviour impacts others and see her mum's needs properly for another few years yet.

BruFord · 02/01/2025 20:23

HPandthelastwish · 02/01/2025 18:25

She turned the activity down, but did you actually point out that you wanted to spend time with her. You don't have to be needy or guilt tripping but sometimes you do have to spell it out really obviously (with a sledgehammer). "Ok, You don't fancy X that's fine. I would like to spend some 1:1 time catching up tomorrow, can you think of somewhere you would like to go, or something you would like to do for a couple of hours with me tomorrow?" Or even just call her down to help you prep a salad or wash / dry up.

I'd go up to her room right now and say you are taking her out to X pub at 7:30 for an hour to catch up before she goes back to uni. If she says she doesn't feel like it, just say it's important to you, if she's generally a good sort the penny will drop.

Edited

I agree with @HPandthelastwish, it’s best to be direct and say that you’d like to spend some one-to one-time with them- suggest specific activities and dates.

My DD (19) goes back early next week. We haven’t spent much time together either so I’ve asked her to have lunch with me at a particular restaurant the day before she leaves and we’re also having a pedicure this weekend. I’m happy to be flexible around her other plans, but I’ve pinned her down for these activities.

I think it’s fine to arrange to visit during the term. My Mum used to visit once a term and I enjoyed seeing her. DD is a plane ride away so it’s more difficult for us.

Doodleflips · 02/01/2025 20:30

AmusedGoose · 02/01/2025 19:36

You sound needy. She will come back to you eventually.

Don’t be so mean. She doesn’t sound needy at all. She sounds sad. Empathy is a great skill to cultivate

Shubbypubby · 02/01/2025 22:23

My DS is almost 19 & doing an apprenticeship so he lives at home but we never do anything together. He'll have a meal with me & his little sis & so the odd thing as a family but we don't anything just me & him. He's polite and pleasant but we only have the odd 10 min chat here and there. He's in his room, at the gym, at football or at the pub. I do really miss that little boy who'd do things with me but he's growing up and it's as it should be. 🥺

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:29

Omg op, you post made me cry. I didn’t think I had so much grief in me still…
When I left for uni I found out that my mother cried. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why she cried, I wasn’t that far away and I was going to come home every so often.
And then she died, and I could never go home anymore…

I am weirdly jealous of your daughter and want to shake her and shout at her to ask her ‘can’t you see how lucky you are’? But I guess she can’t, and maybe I wouldn’t have either had my mom not died

Original poster
TheBramley · 03/01/2025 00:50

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:29

Omg op, you post made me cry. I didn’t think I had so much grief in me still…
When I left for uni I found out that my mother cried. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why she cried, I wasn’t that far away and I was going to come home every so often.
And then she died, and I could never go home anymore…

I am weirdly jealous of your daughter and want to shake her and shout at her to ask her ‘can’t you see how lucky you are’? But I guess she can’t, and maybe I wouldn’t have either had my mom not died

Ah sweetheart - I think I’m qualified to speak for your mom a tiny bit tonight. You were very loved.

OP posts:
Prettydisgustingactually · 03/01/2025 01:29

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:29

Omg op, you post made me cry. I didn’t think I had so much grief in me still…
When I left for uni I found out that my mother cried. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why she cried, I wasn’t that far away and I was going to come home every so often.
And then she died, and I could never go home anymore…

I am weirdly jealous of your daughter and want to shake her and shout at her to ask her ‘can’t you see how lucky you are’? But I guess she can’t, and maybe I wouldn’t have either had my mom not died

Aw @Gabitule that is heartbreaking. I want to tell my daughter this when she cannot even look up from her phone to talk to me. I’m just an annoyance to her and I know one day she will really want to talk and I won’t be here. Like your mum, my mum has gone and the emptiness never goes away. So sad for you. I hope you are ok. I’m sure your mum is very proud.

Chocolatey1234 · 03/01/2025 07:50

You don’t sound needy at all OP you sound lovely. You have given your DD space and I am sure she will come back to you once she has matured a little.

What do they say roots to grow and wings to fly. You have have done that and made offers which she has chosen not to take up for whatever reason just now, her loss. Keep things light before she goes back. Maybe ask her if she would like you to visit and go to lunch in a few weeks time but don’t push it she will come back to you.

Noidea2024 · 03/01/2025 08:02

Why not plan to visit her at uni during the coming term. Perhaps book some things you've enjoyed doing together previously and generally go and spoilt her. It'll give you what you need and make her feel special too.

emmax1980 · 03/01/2025 08:27

I would have at least got her to sit down and have a chat with you.

Prettydisgustingactually · 03/01/2025 23:14

@TheBramley

Are you ok OP? Did you manage to chat with DD before she left? I hope you are feeling better x

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