I ended things…

[blairwaldorfoxoxo]

Looking for advice how to navigate this.

Both 27. Met on dating app.

Had had amazing first date and every other dates after that was just as amazing. He’s an amazing guy, sweet and thoughtful. Funny and I just adore him. Saw each other for 6 weeks.

However… a few factors that made me doubt this…

I’m from a wealthy background. Parents still together, high achieving family, friends around us are also wealthy with prestigious careers. I’m am also a young professional and so are my siblings; whereas he’s from a very low income family. He grow up in foster care, tough childhood, biological parents were involved in drugs/ violence and ended up in foster family. He was abused slightly when he was 8 or 10 he can’t remember. He had a toxic relationship with a previous girl and they have a 6 year old kid few years ago. He takes the kid at weekends. He’s been single for 2 years now, dated here and there but was cheated on. He has been through tough mental health stages in life and yet is still so sweet and kind and so hopeful in life.

We are just so different, whereas me I’m always on the go, chasing the next big dream- career, latest designer item, fancy dinners, and upholding an image.

If you told me we’d have a good time on a blind date I’d probably laugh at you and told you absolutely no. But yet, I’ve had the best time in the last 6 weeks. I deeply admire all his traits to get to where he is now and he’s a man of honour.

I’ve slowly began falling for him. We have been intimate with each other and ‘accidentally’ said I love you during it when it got emotional. We both acknowledged it’s too soon and is probably lust/ honeymoon phase and agreed to work towards bf/gf title. He made it clear he wasn’t seeing anyone and didn’t wanna see anyone because he only has eyes on me. He said he is planning on asking me to be his GF at the end of the 3 months (if things were going ok.)

I met his son 5 weeks in (son never met any previous gf apart from obviously the baby mama) and we spent an amazing day out. Went to see Christmas Jazz concert, had lunch and dessert and went home played video games, had hot chocolate, and played board games. He said he felt warm and at home seeing me with his son. He said the baby mama doesn’t really nurture him properly. He said the baby mama also physically attacked him through toxic arguments and verbally nasty…etc. He admitted to me he doesn’t know how to be a parent because his biological parents didnt love him and this toxic partner before.

Anyway. Because of the fact that he has a kid, I feel this is a lot for me to handle. I always have a picture in my mind growing up what family I have. Get married at 32, have a kid at 34, be financially stable, nurture our kids, educated our kids, teach them how to cook and care for themselves..etc. whereas he doesn’t seem to know how to do this as a single dad with only weekends visitations. I don’t know if I would settle with someone who has a kid with someone else. I find that extremely difficult to handle. Also, already had a conversation with my dad very very briefly, he would never accept him to the family, he will not approve. Which makes me so sad about life and people in general.

he is a kind soul and yet the world is so unfair on him.

anyway, I ended things because:

1. I don’t wanna string him along
2. I don’t want to put him through family drama later on and then having to break up
3. Im doubting if this can be long term, and I can’t give him fully what he needs without doubting myself.
4. he said he’s ok to do short term for now but all signs points to me he wants long term. I said no, it’s unfair on him.
5. obviously I want to kiss him and be in his arms when I miss him but it’s unfair on him if I continue this and not give him what he needs which is a long term partner.

I offered him a friendship and I will always be there for him no matter what. He said he needed time to think and wants to be friends but also wants to be intimate with me.

he blocked me on one social but keep Snapchat and other socials open. He saved my last message about friendship after our breakup call.

I wanna reach out to see if he’s ok. He spend NYE and NY D alone. Ngtl I’m heart broken too and I’m hurting too…

Please don’t be nasty or too harsh on me, I’m already having a tough time dealing with this.

Don't reach out, you dumped him. You're not well suited from the sounds of your OP - leave it at that.

You sound really shallow like you think he's not good enough for you because of your privileged upbringing. He deserves better.

I’d be wary of all the “woe is me” and dumping all his past on you when you’ve only just met. Also telling stories of abusive/psycho exes is a big red flag, as is slagging her off as a mother.

It should all be light and fun at this stage and he is getting you emotionally involved in some very heavy stuff which could just be manipulation and it’s working - you’re already thinking you’re a bad person for ending things when you really don’t even know this person.

Listen to your gut here - I think it’s trying to tell you something.

Oh, and introducing you to his son and setting the scene for you being a surrogate mother is a huge red flag also.

You've done the right, and you will get better, just as he will. Please don't make my mistake of marrying and spending years with someone who was very different from me and irreconcilablly so. Even our son asks why the fuck I married his father 😒

Don't reach out.
I also don't think this is one a friendship can continue from.
IMO you met the child way to soon - he's laid it out he doesn't know how to parent and will expect you to do it.
You have a vision of a future and it doesn't include SC so don't do it.
You have done the right thing for you both and that child.

You did well to end things, you’re just not compatible. Also end contact as well. It’s not fair to him.

When you say ‘baby mama’ do you mean the child’s mother? Remarkably disrespectful term to use.

Who was it who referred to the mother of his child as the baby mama? I would dump someone for that alone.

You're not compatible. Lust is giving you both the wrong impression of each other. Don't be fooled into thinking you can be FWB, either. And if he's blocking you, more than likely he's chatting to other women already.

You dumped him.
Leave him alone.
It's not fair to him to do anything else.

It seems to me that you are heavily influenced by your pompous old man of a father even though you are an adult….. so what if he doesn’t accept him into the family? It’s the person you fell in love with.

That said it seems that there is possibility of a a compatibility issue BUT this issue you have made yourself it seems. Irrespective of his background; he wants to change the past.

He wasn’t expecting you probably to step in as the mother figure….

🥱

You lost me at "baby mama". Yuck. Someone who clearly thinks they are above a person from a lower background than them has no business using such a derogatory term for the child's mother.

You sound shallow.

Your dad sounds like an idiot too.

Please end contact entirely for everyone's sake. You're not for him. And he's not for you either apparently.

I asked for her name twice but he never told me, he just referred her as baby mama hence why I used the term here. Apologies if it’s disrespectful, was not my intention at all 😔

Leave him alone. You have a fair bit of maturing to do OP. Your dad doesn't sound very nice and you think you're above people, but also he comes with a lot of baggage which you would have to navigate.

Just leave him alone.

You need to watch 'The Notebook'. You may change your mind.

I'm sorry but I couldn't read all that. What drivel a lot of it was.

Baby Mama is a horrible phrase.

Meeting his son after five weeks is. bonkers.

working towards boyfriend and girlfriend title is bonkers

Leave him alone. You dumped him. You did him a favour.

Leave him be. This isn't a friendship so stop trying to pretend it is one. You are very different people wanting different things in life so leave him be. The description of you having a family day with his child after 5 weeks is quite alarming - what made either of you think that was appropriate?

WTF is a Baby Mamma?

You sound so shallow.

Good luck to him.

He sounds very dysfunctional OP, he will resent you eventually, and as for refering to his childs mother as 'baby mama' that's just rough & peurile.
Of course he'll have been on his best behaviour, you are a real catch for him.

He's full of shit - if he let you meet the child within 5 weeks there's no way he's not introducing other women to him.

Tbh though you have a very high opinion of yourself and chasing the next designer thing is very materialistic. You ventilate your whole life out when to have kids etc, could be infertility for all you know

Ok, I’m going to exist this forum now to avoid any further disagreement.

apologies firstly, it was the term he started and kept using. I asked her name before and he didn’t provide so I didn’t press any further.

I don’t think of myself as above anyone else. Was not my intention at all. If it came off that way, again I apologies wasn’t meant to be.

Human behaviour is complex as to why people do certain things, I was trying to reflect on my decision making and analysis it. I was hoping to get some advice and get help to navigate how I’m feeling and how to solider on. However I don’t want to get accused of doing something when I have never thought of him anyway less. I absolutely adore him and the people around him, that’s why I’m feeling overwhelmed and sad over this. Disappointed even in myself for not able to proceed any further with this.

hope all for you help anyway.

take care x

Ignore the posters attacking you OP. He is the one who's a parent, he will be looking for a rich baby foster mama, ie you.

You know it wouldn't work out, you are too different, don't doubt and move on, don't contact or offer friendship, let him move on also.

This guy is a walking red flag.

introduced you to his child after 5 weeks! That’s disgraceful.

said he loved seeing you with his child, already lining you up to be new mum and try to displace child’s actual mother.

talks badly about his child’s mother.

gave you his whole life story right from the start because he’s trying to play the poor victim card so you will feel sorry for him and want to take care of him. Also grooming you to accept future bad behaviour because it’s not his fault since he had a difficult childhood.

blocks you on only one platform shows he’s not really blocking you and it’s a tactic to get you to chase after him and beg him not to block you.

telling you he doesn’t know how to parent makes you the default parent so he doesn’t have to do any childcare or else again gives him an excuse if he’s a crappy parent.

run a mile. Don’t be friends with him. He’s love bombed you and he’s a walking red flag for an abuser.

wont tell you, “baby mama” name so you can’t look her up and find out he’s talking bollocks about her.

Because he comes from a disadvantaged background? Because he has a child? He's looking for someone rich?

Good grief 🙄

You think he's a nice guy, but his history says not, sounds like mainly great sex. I think this relationship would be a disaster, quit now.