I ended things…

[blairwaldorfoxoxo]

Looking for advice how to navigate this.

Both 27. Met on dating app.

Had had amazing first date and every other dates after that was just as amazing. He’s an amazing guy, sweet and thoughtful. Funny and I just adore him. Saw each other for 6 weeks.

However… a few factors that made me doubt this…

I’m from a wealthy background. Parents still together, high achieving family, friends around us are also wealthy with prestigious careers. I’m am also a young professional and so are my siblings; whereas he’s from a very low income family. He grow up in foster care, tough childhood, biological parents were involved in drugs/ violence and ended up in foster family. He was abused slightly when he was 8 or 10 he can’t remember. He had a toxic relationship with a previous girl and they have a 6 year old kid few years ago. He takes the kid at weekends. He’s been single for 2 years now, dated here and there but was cheated on. He has been through tough mental health stages in life and yet is still so sweet and kind and so hopeful in life.

We are just so different, whereas me I’m always on the go, chasing the next big dream- career, latest designer item, fancy dinners, and upholding an image.

If you told me we’d have a good time on a blind date I’d probably laugh at you and told you absolutely no. But yet, I’ve had the best time in the last 6 weeks. I deeply admire all his traits to get to where he is now and he’s a man of honour.

I’ve slowly began falling for him. We have been intimate with each other and ‘accidentally’ said I love you during it when it got emotional. We both acknowledged it’s too soon and is probably lust/ honeymoon phase and agreed to work towards bf/gf title. He made it clear he wasn’t seeing anyone and didn’t wanna see anyone because he only has eyes on me. He said he is planning on asking me to be his GF at the end of the 3 months (if things were going ok.)

I met his son 5 weeks in (son never met any previous gf apart from obviously the baby mama) and we spent an amazing day out. Went to see Christmas Jazz concert, had lunch and dessert and went home played video games, had hot chocolate, and played board games. He said he felt warm and at home seeing me with his son. He said the baby mama doesn’t really nurture him properly. He said the baby mama also physically attacked him through toxic arguments and verbally nasty…etc. He admitted to me he doesn’t know how to be a parent because his biological parents didnt love him and this toxic partner before.

Anyway. Because of the fact that he has a kid, I feel this is a lot for me to handle. I always have a picture in my mind growing up what family I have. Get married at 32, have a kid at 34, be financially stable, nurture our kids, educated our kids, teach them how to cook and care for themselves..etc. whereas he doesn’t seem to know how to do this as a single dad with only weekends visitations. I don’t know if I would settle with someone who has a kid with someone else. I find that extremely difficult to handle. Also, already had a conversation with my dad very very briefly, he would never accept him to the family, he will not approve. Which makes me so sad about life and people in general.

he is a kind soul and yet the world is so unfair on him.

anyway, I ended things because:

1. I don’t wanna string him along
2. I don’t want to put him through family drama later on and then having to break up
3. Im doubting if this can be long term, and I can’t give him fully what he needs without doubting myself.
4. he said he’s ok to do short term for now but all signs points to me he wants long term. I said no, it’s unfair on him.
5. obviously I want to kiss him and be in his arms when I miss him but it’s unfair on him if I continue this and not give him what he needs which is a long term partner.

I offered him a friendship and I will always be there for him no matter what. He said he needed time to think and wants to be friends but also wants to be intimate with me.

he blocked me on one social but keep Snapchat and other socials open. He saved my last message about friendship after our breakup call.

I wanna reach out to see if he’s ok. He spend NYE and NY D alone. Ngtl I’m heart broken too and I’m hurting too…

Please don’t be nasty or too harsh on me, I’m already having a tough time dealing with this.

I cannot believe you went beyond date one tbh.

I deeply admire all his traits to get to where he is now
where is he now?

Perhaps you felt a lot of empathy for him which increased your fondness towards him. I think you know deep down he was never going to be your long term forever partner. You finished it for a reason. Time will make it feel better.

I don't know any from your background that would use the term baby mama.

This. It's all red flags

He said he felt warm and at home seeing me with his son. He said the baby mama doesn’t really nurture him properly

Yet hes happy to leave his son with someone who doesnt nurture him properly 5 days a week

That's true actually, good spot

I actually think you made a difficult, but right, decision for you.

The person you met has been through a lot of trauma,neglect and abandonment and this will have an effect on them. You knew them for 6 weeks and saw all the good in him but that doesn't mean they haven't got deep wound from all their experiences that could come out in all sorts of ways you might not be able to forsee or help with.

Life is hard enough without setting out knowing you are committing to someone with a definite huge amount of emotional baggage.

Lots of classism in your OP but I think you probably need to step away from the apps because men from a middle/upper class background often aren't on the apps, you'd do well to utilise your family network to find a partner.

You've obviously put a lot of thought into your decision and I think you've made the right decision.

I would not reach out to him - I feel it would be sending mixed messages.

Honestly i think it is sad you let your own bias come into play. You really dont know the future but youve given away the chance of this future. You come across as snobby but i doubt you see that. Leave him alone now. Youve probably done enough damage

Sounds like you did the right thing. You're different people, and it doesn't sound like it will work long term, so your decision to call time seems sound.
You'll get negatively on here for being honest about who you are and what you want. It's a rather brutal place, where women are often encouraged to be strong and know their mind, yet harangued when they do.

Who does know how to parent ?
we all learn as we go .
Also come on talk about unrealistic .
I see marriage at this age , I see a baby at this age. .
In the perfect world that OP lives in ok.

@blairwaldorfoxoxo You have done him a favour . He deserves better than you and your judgemental family.
He is clearly a nicer person than your Df.

One of the trashiest terms out there. Almost as trashy as introducing/meeting young child 5 weeks into this riveting relationship

I read up until I love yous in the moment of passion. I have weak stomach

Dang it I keep falling for these troll post 😪

OP, it’s remarkable that you chose someone so different to you and so different to your dad.
I was listening to a neuroscientist the other day. She was actually saying that scientists now conclude that actually people are attracted to people who have similar trauma. They come together to heal. There is a strong chance you may be way more wounded that you think and your father may have actually damaged you big time. What you see in this man is the same trauma you carry (abandonment, lack of love) and you crave to heal him because you would like to heal yourself….

Watch “Maestro in Blue” on Netflix If you find the time to see how two daughters with narc rich fathers ended up falling for the same man, who had nothing to do with their fathers’ values, character etc.