Would also find it weird?

[Labille]

I have been with this guy for 10 months. He is American.

I started buying tools and learn DIY on youtube which I find very daunting.
He mentioned he is very good at it and had the best tools back in the US but didn’t bring then here.
I asked him if he could help me put a couple of pictures on a wall and teach me the basics.
He refused explaining that since the walls here are different from the US and the tools I have are different frim his, he doesn’t think he can do a good job and I better call a professional.

I don’t drive. He does.
I told him I wanted to go to Ikea and buy lots of things. I asked if I paid for us to hire a car and payed for petrol, would he be able to drive us there and back?
He said no because ‘people in the UK don’t drive properly’.
We are in London. How are all these people driving not driving properly?

I know his a perfectionist and I have a sense he doesn’t want to do something out of his comfort zone and fail. Once I wanted us both to cook a recipe I found. He was ok with it. We bought the ingredients. Once he realised I had never cooked that before he became grumpy because he had never cooked that before either. He only likes to cook for people the recipes he had perfected overvthe years.

I’m easy going. I’m thinking this is a incompatibility and can be quite draining long term.
Or am I overthinking?

A lot of things don't seem to add up do they - his toolbox does seem to contain a lot of handy, multipurpose excuses... are you sure he's even American!? Have you tested him on the amendments to the American constitution? He sounds like he has everything... you don't need... and nothing you do. Has he told you he can lasso a steer or shoot the head off a rattkesnake?

He does sound like a complete joy sponge.
I appreciate you are flexible and relaxed about things, but often women who describe themselves as such can often be people pleasers.

I imagine if you were as uncompromising as he was you guys would not be seeing each other any longer.

If he's so closed minded and difficult at this young age, he's going to be horrendous as he gets older.

He sounds as if he is autistic. My nephew is and he will be hyper critical and sneering of things/people as an avoidance strategy. It's very hard to try and encourage him to take a risk (like a new food or experience) even if you can predict he will enjoy it.

It's extremely wearing and hard work for my DSis, she does it for her DSon because that is her job as his mother, but no way would she do it for a bf.

Re the wall being different in the uk, yes likely, there are many different wall types in the uk too, which is why you need to select the correct wall plug (written on the packet what type of wall they are suitable for).
First drill a hole using a masonry bit (check for hidden electrics etc) then you'll be able to work out what wall type you have, then you can buy the correct wall plug.

Nothing about the process itself is different from the US. Yes you have a different drill, hammer but they are the same thing and used the same way. I'm annoyed at what an avoidant bullshitter he is.

It's tedious to be with someone who isn't interested in learning, exploring or experiencing anything apart from the familiar.
He's likely working in a university because he couldn't handle life outside the familiar.

Really because he sound like he tick lots of the box's for covert narcissist.

Big ego, looks down on others, sees them as stupid. Lies, often unnecessarily. Cannot say 'I can't do that', instead blames other things/people, belittles things you like and enjoy in order to make you feel shitty, big ego when it comes to always having the best of the best at restaurants, likes to be seen as the big man who can do anything (diy) but...no legitimate follow through.

A blowhard.

Lots of narc signs there.
Lots.

Sounds like you are going places in your life and have momentum to get there. And when you ask him to come along for the ride (even if that means him driving you - the metaphor still works because you have decided where you are going to and why) he tries to form a road block. And all his actions suggest he has no interest in forming a life together. A shared life means trying your best to step up for the other person and their wants. Someone else here mentioned joy kill and that’s exactly what springs to my mind too.
Unless he is a whole heap of fun the rest of the time?
I wonder if you are compelled to spend lots of time together because he doesn’t have many friends here? If I were you I would be looking quite carefully at how he builds and supports his own friendship group. You don’t need to be stuck with someone who sucks the joy out of your life when he is with you and even when you are thinking about him and about the future.
Keep pushing ahead with your dreams! He may well not be one of them.

@Labille you only have his word for it that he can drive!! you only have his word for it that he is good at diy! you may have witnessed him doing a little cooking!! actually, I hate going to ikea with anyone else!! rather go on my own and spend £350 on crap that I didnt need instead of the 6 ikea mugs which I did need!!!

It isn't really relevant, but he might have really high anxiety rather than being a dickhead. I dated someone like that, simple things like making tiny changes to a recipe would really genuinely stress him out. I adore him but I can't date him, which I think is fair. It's not really relevant why he is the way he is, you need to decide if it works for you or not. And it's fine if not.

Does he have a golden cock? Because if not just throw him back as he brings absolutely nothing to the table and sounds like a right Walter Mitty.

A diy expert but won’t even put up a few pictures? Lol!

This was a reply @Pinkbonbon
I messed up attaching the message..

Not really.
Is that a professional diagnosis?
Might be his attachment style maybe.
Certainly a red flag...........😂🙄

I just think he's talked the talk in an attempt to sell himself. Yet he doesn't have any of those skills. Hence his avoidance.

He sounds like a total dose.
Why bother?

10 months - god. He sounds hard work. Throw him back.

Low level Walter Mitty...

Attachment styles are pseudoscience. Like online personality tests really.
Also often used to justify assholery.

Personality disorders are very real things.

He would need an actual meeting with a professional for a diagnosis.

However if you look at the dsm for narcissism, he only has to make 2 out of (I believe its) 9 points to fit the criteria for npd.
It's rarely diagnosed as narcissists don't think there's anything wrong with them so never seek diagnosis. But anyone can read the list and go 'ah...he ticks four of those boxes...maybe I better run just incase'. Op could look at the points herself maybe, see if any fit.

Normal people don't make a habbit of telling lies about things they don't need to. I could understand small white lies to make them look better early on in in dating...but this guy seems to be taking it further.

We have to be careful of excusing abnormal behaviour, thinking 'there's probably a misunderstanding/it's not a huge deal'. If people regularly behave contrary to social norms...it's usually because there's something abnormal about them. And in this case...it seems like a bad kind of abnormal.

He doesn’t seem anxious but yes the cooking thing stressed him out so much that ruined the whole evening.
We were suppose to have a fun dinner date celebrating something and it was boring and awkward. The dish turned out good but the process yo getting there was tainted by his bad mood. Once he realised I had never cooked that before he didn’t even let me help and we were supposed to cook together.

Exactly.

Instead of saying ‘I never had a chance to drive in the UK and I don’t feel comfortable doing so atm’ he said that the whole population don’t drive properly. This is bonkers.

Also I just remembered something:
The other day I was at his house and I talked about a dish that I created using mince beef that turned out good and was easy and quick.
When was time to go home he gave me to packs of organic mince meat for me to take home.
I said thank you and all that but also asked why he suddenly decide to give me that meat. His answer:
”because there is no space in the fridge”

C’mon. Didn’t the meat come FROM his fridge?

Why not say he wanted to make me happy or help me or whatever?

The problem is: I get speechless when things like that happen, I never dealt with someone like him

Some Americans I encounter do have a huge collection of new tools, so that bit may well be true!

Over400verdating
"That sound you heard @Labille was the collective slamming shut of vaginas in response to Billy Bullshit the babyman."
😆😆

What she said

@Labille I'm starting to wonder if he is neurodivergent in some way?

To be fair, in dating culture there can be this trend towards not wanting to seem too keen. Hense, saying 'oh I had extra lying around' instead of 'I got them for you'. So that example on its own wouldn't worry me.

But a common trait of certain sorts, including narcissists... is to make you feel like they'd never do anything 'for' you. Like you should be happy for any crumbs from their table. Actions from them can be deliberately to say 'just remember I don't actually care about you/don't get ideas above your station'..

I'm not sure this applies here as it sounds like he did a nice thing. But it might be part of that larger pattern.

You may see things like- building you up, in order to whip the carpet out at the last minute. For example: they buy concert tickets for you both to go to see your fave band. But the day of, they say they don't want to go, with no good reason. 'Just don't feel like it. Why are you making such a fuss?' Etc..

Noticing a trend of needing to make you feel deflated or of hinting that you just aren't that important to them... it's a red flag, regardless of whatevers going on specifically with them.

Thanks

'oh I had extra lying around' would make sense but not having space in the fridge is weird since it came out of the fridge…and it was a few hours after I talked about the dish I cooked so he defnitely did not buy it for me

Maybe he meant he wanted to put something else in the fridge. Eg: knew he was going shopping tomorrow and needed to make room.

Unless...it was never in the fridge in the first place.

It came from out of the fridge.

Ok, how about this one:

He moved houses. His new house has a garden. He loves doing BBQ indoors. The garden had no furniture. We used to do BBQ in his terrace but there was no table so we had to improvise.

As I changed some of my own furniture I had a spare (very cheap) table. I offered to him and asked if he wanted. Sent photos from the Ikea website so also sent the one with the measurements.

He said he did not want it because the table was ‘too short’.

I said ‘how can a table be too short, it is not a kids table, it is a standard size, you can just say you don’t want it, I will offer it free on Olio and will go very fast, not an issue’

He then said that he actually took a tape measure and measured his kitchen table and the table I offered was 2cm shorter so too short.

I just said ‘ok’

But the point is: he would not use the table I offered besides his kitchen table so the 2cm is not an issue. Also we were literally using a bench or a chair to improvise as a table before which is much much shorter than the table I’m offering, so the height of the table is not the real issue.

He could say he doesn’t like the colour, the style, the shape. He could say he doesn’t want it or need it. All good.

But make up some story about the table be 2cm short is just to crazy to me.

I will maybe measure his kitchen table to see if it is true because sounds like utter bollocks.

Hmm...again I dunno op, not really sure what the problem is there. He didn't want the table. It's not a big deal.

Why would you waste time trying to prove him wrong? You think he's a liar, so the trust is gone. So, leave him and have done with it.

Don't make excuses to hang around.

That is actually bizarre as all get out. Ridiculous and baffling thing to lie about.

I would read that generously as having serious problems with communication which has led to him routinely indulging in lies to get out of things. Expect lies in every aspect of life and get comfortable.

This morning, I just remembered something else:

He was explaining to me about a fall that he took
He attempted to store a large and very heavy suitcase on top shelf of a tall wardrobe
But the ladder was ‘weak’ and he fell

I then said to him that I learned very early on that with anything, heavy stuff should be stored at the bottom and lighter stuff at the top. Also he had plenty of space at the bottom of the wardrobe, why store at the top, it was not a good idea.
But instead of just accepting that he was not strong enough to lift the suitcase by himself without losing balance he blamed the ‘weak’ (and actually brand new) ladder that broke in the process.

I remember feeling comtempt for him on that day. That was the 1st time.

BTW, I broke up.

Good call to break up.
He sounds exhausting, and that's being kind.