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Original poster

Cheating partner - end relationship or hope he sees sense?!

69 replies

AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad · 30/12/2024 22:12

Married 15 years 2 children. Partner has been seeing the mum of one of our children’s friends for a few months. I found out by reading phone (naughty I know) he has said it was simply a turned head, I know it is more than that. They speak constantly, message, meet up. However our relationship is strong we parent well together, enjoy each others company and have great sex. Am I crazy to think he’ll come to his senses and end the affair?! I don’t want to loose my marriage. Am I being a mug??

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 30/12/2024 22:15

Is your relationship truly that strong if he is going after another woman? I’m not saying it is your fault by the way, just if my partner was cheating on me the last thing I would be thinking is that my relationship was strong. It’s up to you if you want to end the marriage - I did when my husband cheated as I won’t play second string in my own relationship - only you know where the buck stops for you, some people make it past an affair and some don’t. Usually it requires hard work, contrition and marked change in behaviours on behalf of the person who has committed the betrayal. Also what makes it worse is that it’s the mother of one of your children’s friends - what a mess.

tweedledee12 · 30/12/2024 22:21

Have you confronted him?
Presumably he isn't saying he will end it?

Original poster
AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad · 30/12/2024 22:24

He doesn’t know that I know the extent of the relationship. He believes I think it’s a one turned head moment. He says it’s stopped but I know it hasn’t

OP posts:
Fannyfiggs · 30/12/2024 22:27

So he's still lying to you?

It's obviously up to you if you stay or go, however do you want to be in a marriage of 3 and hope it all goes away?

tweedledee12 · 30/12/2024 22:30

What is a head turn?

I think you've got to put all cards on the table and decide whether his reaction is acceptable to you.

I get that it isn't as easy to leave with two children and tear apart their family - but that is on him.

I don't think you can hope he ends it, if you want to stick at it, I think you demand it is ended immediately. If you allow it to go on, there will be many more I am sure.

Original poster
AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad · 30/12/2024 22:32

Head turn - she caught his attention briefly.

OP posts:
tweedledee12 · 30/12/2024 22:33

AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad · 30/12/2024 22:32

Head turn - she caught his attention briefly.

Does that mean he accepts he has physically acted? Or just looked at another woman

InBedBy10 · 30/12/2024 22:33

Yes, you're a mug.

Original poster
AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad · 30/12/2024 22:34

Claiming he kissed her once. Their messages suggest otherwise

OP posts:
Rooroobear · 30/12/2024 22:35

So you’re hoping he’ll stop the affair now he thinks you know a bit about it but actually he’s not?? Makes sense! Yes you’re being a mug. If he actually had any love or respect for you he wouldn’t have done it in the first place.

username299 · 30/12/2024 22:37

Decide what you can tolerate and what works for you. He's having an affair and probably doesn't do monogamy, does that work for you?

Some women turn a blind eye because of the benefits of marriage. If you continue sleeping with him, I'd get regular STD tests.

DorothyStorm · 30/12/2024 22:39

AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad · 30/12/2024 22:34

Claiming he kissed her once. Their messages suggest otherwise

Why would he end it when he believes he is getting away with it?

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2024 22:41

Jesus op, yes you are being a mug! Develop some self respect (because he clearly has none for you), and dump his cheating arse.

Murmum · 30/12/2024 22:43

My heart breaks for you because I think deep down you just want it all to be ok and have never happened.
I don't know if anyone can ever get past the distrust. Will you ever trust him again?
What made you check his phone to begin with?

I don't know, and I wish I knew the answer to give you.

My dad had an affair when I was small, my brother was only 6months old. My mum found out about it and forgave him. They stayed together for another 20years believe it or not, but I don't think my mum ever really got over it, and unfortunately they did end up divorcing after 37years of marriage.

You deserve better.
I know with 2 kids the easier option is to let it slide.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I really am

SunflowerTed · 30/12/2024 22:47

Your relationship isnt strong if he’s looking elsewhere. Sorry but I’d ask for space and tell him to leave

Endofyear · 30/12/2024 22:57

I think you're deluding yourself that you have a strong relationship - if you did, he wouldn't be lying and sneaking around having it off with another woman. He is prepared to risk his marriage and his children's security for an illicit thrill. He is not a good man.

If you stay, he might well get bored with OW and it might fizzle out but there will be another...and another. Once he's got away with it once, it will feel easier the next time. Eventually he will probably leave you for one of these women.

Don't stay with him. He's a liar and a cheat and you deserve better.

MsDogLady · 30/12/2024 23:00

This lying cheat has no respect or regard for you, @AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad. He is happy to trash you and the children and make you objects of gossip and pity.

He has unilaterally opened up your relationship so he can pursue illicit sex and ego thrills with his child’s friend’s mother … and on discovery he chose to mock you by minimizing and lying about the extent of his ongoing infidelity. You can’t get any lower than this.

Take definitive action now, @AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad. He has proven that his priority is protecting his OW and their relationship. I would be going nuclear and kicking him out. He needs to understand what losing everything feels like, and you need the time and space to investigate your options via a solicitor consultation.

NiftyKoala · 30/12/2024 23:09

Do you really want to win this man????

NiftyKoala · 30/12/2024 23:10

DorothyStorm · 30/12/2024 22:39

Why would he end it when he believes he is getting away with it?

Show quote history

Truer words have never been spoke!

cestlavielife · 30/12/2024 23:13

If you happy to ignore his cheating then carry on.
But one day he will take it further and disappear with one of them. Or they get pregnant etc
So get real. Make a life for yourself

theduchessofspork · 30/12/2024 23:14

I think you are deluding yourself - he is lying to you rather than coming clean, which wouldn’t indicate much regard for your marriage.

The fact he’s shagging a woman in your social circle - the mum of one of your kids friends - rather than keeping it well away from his wife and children, also indicates less regard for you than many philandering partners.

Getting on, co-parenting and being sexually compatible don’t add up to love or commitment, unfortunately.

I know you want to be reassured but in the long run kidding yourself about this will be worse. If you want to try and save it - and fair enough - you’d need to tell him you know he is lying, give him one chance to admit it, and insist on counselling to see if you really are aligned.

If you were to decide to stay and just turn a blind eye (I wouldn’t), then as a minimum he needs to promise not to shag on your territory.

I am sorry this has happened to you, please prioritise taking care of yourself.

sussanna · 30/12/2024 23:14

Give an ultimatum - 6 months he evidences complete no contact with her starting with messaging her in front of you to say that he is no longer interested in any contact with her as he would never do anything that makes his wife uncomfortable and this his priority is and always will be his wife and kids - if he is unable to stay this course then you both have your answer. Its easy to say walk away , but hard to do I know if 15year marriage and 2 kids. Meanwhile during the six months, sleep separately in same house most days with date nights and sex maybe twice a month ? so that you both know how it will feel if you do separate like a trial run under same roof. something like that.
Assume that he wont be able to stay the course and use the 6 months to get ducks in a row.

StrawHatLuffy · 30/12/2024 23:15

Relationships need three things.

Respect - trust - attraction

If he respected you, he wouldn't be sneakily messaging another woman.
If he hadn't broken your trust, you wouldn't be looking on his phone.

This relationship has one foundation left...

Personally, it'd be over.
My.life is finite, why should I give my precious time to someone who doesn't deserve it and does nothing to earn it?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/12/2024 23:16

How do you think he’d react if you cheated on him?

PermanentTemporary · 30/12/2024 23:18

The mum of one of your child's friends??

Yuck. What a lazy, unimaginative git. Cheating is not necessarily the end for me in itself but anything that is likely to spill over into children's lives is just shitty sexual incontinence.

I'd be tempted to stick around just to keep this away from the kids. I'd end up despising him though.