Cheating partner - end relationship or hope he sees sense?!

[AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad]

Married 15 years 2 children. Partner has been seeing the mum of one of our children’s friends for a few months. I found out by reading phone (naughty I know) he has said it was simply a turned head, I know it is more than that. They speak constantly, message, meet up. However our relationship is strong we parent well together, enjoy each others company and have great sex. Am I crazy to think he’ll come to his senses and end the affair?! I don’t want to loose my marriage. Am I being a mug??

Where has your self esteem gone?!

Was he even sorry?
Did he even care how much that hurt you? Has he been checking in on you since? And trying to make it up to you?
Did he seem scared of losing the marriage?

No he won't.

Not without his life literally being pulled from under him.

Why would he when he has gotten away with it for months? Been so selfish to risk so much harm to you never mind his own child.

Honestly I understand wanting to bury your head in the sand but it won't work.

Why are you letting him think you don't know? Are you afraid he will choose her? Pretending you don't won't change the fact he is choosing her. Every day. Every message. Every time they are intimate. He is choosing her.

Get an sti test seeing as you still have a sec like with the pos. please don’t let him have his cake and eat it. How humiliating that’s he’s shagging your child mum and you don’t seem angry about it?
Are you numb with shock or seriously considering this could end well for you?
As @MsDogLady has said, you need to go nuclear on him. This is the only action than men like this understand. He’s treating you like an idiot giving you all these half truths? And for what purpose, to buy him more time to plan an exit with this stupid slag? And also is she married ? Because if she is, it’s time to blow up her life too!

Your world is imploding and you are in denial. I am so sorry you are going through this.

But no. People CAN recover from affairs, but it takes years of work, both parties willing to try, him going no-contact with OW and full transparency. He is still lying and clearly wants to carry on whatever he has going with her. He’s not going to suddenly wake up from his limerence (if that’s what it is and not actually love). Don’t do the pick-me dance.

*sex

This ⬆️

speaking from my experience even when they know you know they will still not verbally admit the full truth of what has happened….. it just gets drip fed to you.

You don’t need to put up with this but I’ve a friend who does exactly that and has done for years and she slaps a smile on her face and plays happy families in public for financial reasons, and to ‘save face’. She’s a shell of who she was ten years ago.

Do what you think will make you happy - not him. You don’t have to decide tonight. You’re in a stronger position as you know info and he has no idea about that. Yet!

He doesn’t need to come to his senses, you do. It never ceases to amaze me the low standards of some women. This is madness, where is your self respect & standards? He’s cheated, he’s lied, he’s broken the trust. You do not have a strong relationship, despite what you’re trying to convince yourself.

They speak constantly, message, meet up.

This is a full emotional and physical affair. He’s full of deception and leading a double life — duping you, stealing your agency/consent, risking your health, and involving your child. His devious selfishness and entitlement are massive. Why would you tolerate such blatant contempt and callous disrespect?

@AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad, as you know that he is sexually involved with you both, you need to get an STD test asap. He can even infect you from their oral sex.

I am utterly mystified as to how you can have sex with a man who is cheating on you, let alone "great" sex. The ick would be off the scale for me

He's a lying loser. Get rid.

However our relationship is strong we parent well together, enjoy each others company and have great sex.

(1) He has abused your trust and is unfaithful, so your relationship is not strong. He has shattered your partnership and family unit via his sneaky lies and adultery.

(2) He is a shit parent. He is defecating all over you and the children and is betraying this particular child with her/his friend’s mother. Others will be aware of and gossiping about their affair.

(3) Enjoying each other’s company? He is not truly present when he is with you. He is constantly thinking of and fantasizing about OW.

(4) As for ‘great sex’, you didn’t sign up to live and have sex with a
non-monogamous man who is heavily investing elsewhere and is making a fool of you in and out of the bedroom.

His cheating is all on him, @AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad. Don’t accept any deflection or blame shifting from him. It was his responsibility to protect his fidelity. He clearly lacks integrity and has weak boundaries, so he decided to chase this illicit adventure with OW. You gave him the opportunity to come clean, but he threw it in your face. He has an agenda to continue cheating and lapping up their mutual validation.

Are you actually going to sit by while he builds deeper intimacy with his girlfriend?

They all down play their involvement. Did his messages suggest he loves her. He could end up as a step dad and your dc with a step mum.
Is ow married @AmIOverthinkingOrJustMad ? You might get an ally to keep her away.
Get some legal advice on your rights. You can sit on this advice until you decide what you want to do.
I've been in love before and was absolutely faithful, it was easy to be. It doesn't appear that your dh feels the same about your marriage as you have described it.

So he's a liar as well as a cheat.

You can try convincing yourself you have a strong marriage, or you can open your eyes and see your husband doesn't love or respect you enough to stay faithful. Would you ever trust him again, even if he finishes things with this woman?

He doesn’t know you know is that right plus you are having sex still.

where is your anger
where has your self esteem went

STI soon as they’ll be shut for a few days but get checked out.

you need to tell him you know find out what he wants and expect him to walk away, watch him become nasty and rewriting history they are good at that or he might want to work on the marriage well if he does everything on the table no matter how much it hurts don’t let him drip feed it because it’ll set you back every time and built resentment and you will resent him.

one step at a time

Get some self-respect & leave him. He's a lying deceitful gaslighting POS. See the light, OP, and dump his arse.

Even if he decides to stop the affair on his own and never finds out that you knew the truth could you be happy with that?

I’m going to be blunt op.

1. people do not text each other with the exact contents of their sex life. Nobody texts ‘Oh my Leroy, I loved having sex with you yesterday lunch time when you were supposed to be working and I was supposed to be looking after Sue’s dog.’ So what you read is the briefest of glimpses. Just because someone doesn’t write explicitly what is going on, does not mean it isn’t going on.
2. You are not the major player here.
3. The ow will most likely dictate how this proceeds. Is the ow in a relationship? If single, her situation will have a major say in how this plays out. By that I mean, does she want a long term partner or just an affair partner? Is she financially secure? Or would being with a partner financially benefit her? What I have seen is this: Single women ( or those in tenuous relationships) are more likely to push for the OM to leave. Same with those who would benefit from the finances of the OM. In the end op, you do have a say in this but remember, your dh will lie and tell you he has only done the bare minimum.

I can't quite understand how you're able to compartmentalise the 2 things. Love/sex/great relationship and he's betraying/lying to you. Are you financially dependent on him?

OP you are deluding yourself to a worrying extent. Your relationship is not strong, it has failed. Your husband is disrespecting you are you're letting him. You need your get out of this relationship.

My parents had an open marriage and have just celebrated 60 years. If you don't mind, crack on.

You know he is still lying to you.

It is the ongoing deceit and lack of respect of affairs that destroy marriages not the physical act of sex.

He’s a lying cheat who is shagging someone so close to hone he’s virtually shitting on his own doorstep.

Ate you comfortable to be taking your kids to school or a party and coming face to face with the women he’s sticking his dick in before he comes home?

This isnt an open marriage. So what your parents had is completely different and completely dismissive of the the OP circumstances.

She didn't say is it OK if I just get on with things appreciate what we have and let him do what he wants on the side.

She said will he end it. Which indicates she doesn't in fact want an open marriage.

You might find the website chumplady.com helpful. And a solicitor.