Finding MIL tricky since DD was born?

[FlissPots]

DD1 is 6 weeks old and I had a quite traumatic birth so am prepared to be told I’m the unreasonable one here.

My MIL has always been lovely to me and supportive throughout pregnancy, but since DD was born, I’ve found her behaviour quite challenging and sometimes upsetting. It feels a bit overbearing, if i’m honest

the most recent incident has been her taking DD away into other rooms when she holds her, which sets of all of my ‘eek!’ hormones as I just want my baby in the room with me and not taken away while she’s so tiny. MIL seems to know I don’t like this as she laughs and says ‘don’t worry, I’ll bring her back’ when I ask where she’s going. She’s done this repeatedly while we’ve been here (between Xmas and new year). Nobody else takes DD out of the room and MiL will be sat happily for ages without moving before she holds DD.

She’s also done things like hold/cup DD’s head while I’m holding her, stood over me and watched me changing DD’s nappy or putting her in her car seat, which makes me really uncomfortable like I’m doing it wrong (although I’m pretty sure I’m not - I know how to look after my DD).

She’s also not been good at giving DD back when she cries - I’ve had to go and take her off MiL as she just holds on to her, or tries to pass her to another relative rather than give her back to me. I’m also struggling with DD being passed around so many people while we’re here as there are always friends/relatives dropping in and wanting a cuddle, and she just gets passed around. She isn’t a toy!

I don’t understand why MIL is being like this when we’ve always got on so well and she’s been so kind to me. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even ‘see’ me any more, she only sees my baby.

I know I need to be more asserive where DD is concerned, but how do I do this without upsetting MiL? And will either her behaviour or my hormones/overreactions calm down?!

We’re going home on 1st so this is only for the next few days thankfully

Put baby in a sling so no one can hold her?

My sister in law used to do similar things with my first baby taking him into other rooms and not giving back when crying. I told my husband how it made me feel and he was understanding of it and made sure any time SIL done anything like that he was the one to ask her to stop. Sounded better coming from her own brother than me.

You also will relax with time but it's so hard when they are tiny it baffles me that some people don't understand that it's natural for mother to not want baby out of site at that age.

MIL we are so tired atm and just need a break from visitors, will be in touch when recovered.

@FlissPots congratulations on your new baby. It’s lovely that she has got a doting grandma, but agree with you that she’s being insensitive to you, as a new mum. Of course your instinct is to have your baby with you, especially when she’s crying.

if your relationship has been previously good, could you talk to her and say that she might think it sounds daft, but this is all new to you and it’s stressing you out when your baby is taken out of the room or not with you when she’s upset. Blame it on hormones if you need to. If she cares for you, she will stop, because you’ve told her it’s making you uncomfortable.

Or ask your partner to have a quiet word.

And practice just taking her back when she’s crying… just go up to her and say with a smile on your face, ‘thanks MIL, can you pass her back, she wants her mum now’. It would take someone very hard faced not to do so immediately.

Having a baby creates new dynamics in relationships. Think about the dynamic you want and try to assert your boundaries early on. It will be easier down the line if you do. she can’t be mum and you can’t be grandma. You both have your roles to play and your daughter is already really lucky to have both of you in her life to love her.

good luck.

It's common for these issues only to arise now because you're so totally invested in your new baby and are protective of her. It does get easier as your baby needs you less.

Your MIL is probably trying to bond by carving a little space for herself and the baby by moving away from you. By watching you she may be reliving memories of changing nappies and putting in car seats and trying to catch up with what has changed. She's probably also trying to check/prove she can still calm a baby. However, you're the mum and your bond with the baby and peace of mind is top priority. You can indulge her as much as you're comfortable but she has years ahead to forge a relationship.

I found it often better coming from DH to say to his family, "Time to give baby back", "She needs her mum now" etc -- just because people are more forgiving of blood relatives. You can just hold onto baby more as well with a sling or by ignoring cues asking to hold her. (eg "I think she'll need a feed soon so I'll hold onto her till then")

Thank you, your posts are so kind and helpful x

I remember this. The best non-confrontational way I found of getting the baby back is to hold out your arms, look at the baby and say, 'Do you want to come back to Mum?' Discreetly reminds everyone of your place and they can't say no without sounding like a total dickhead. The sling is a great idea too.

At 6 weeks NO-ONE took my baby from me. Hormones are powerful for a reason.

Are you living with your MIL OP?
If you're not then I'd start putting in some boundaries around visitors; when abs how often your willing to let people come by.
Then, as another poster said, wear your baby in a sling when the visitors are there.

@AgreeableDragon no just visiting for Christmas, we only have a couple of days left

She hovers over your every move with the baby? Really annoying and suffocating.

You must be assertive from now on and tell her you want your baby back. Get snippy if you have to.

She seems to think she can do what she likes. She can't. It's your child. And if you don't like her taking the child away anywhere then so be it.

Sick of new mothers having to justify themselves to desperate grannies. They should just back off.

It feels quite intense and overbearing. With the carseat, I ended up giving DD to DH to do it because I could see MiL out of the corner of my eye hovering over us and it felt too intense. With the nappies, it feels so intrusive that I’ve been shutting me and DD in the bathroom because anywhere else, MiL follows us and stares - I want DD to have some privacy.

I really want to be fair to MIL and not to fall out, but I know I need to be assertive which I’m not very good at!

Be assertive now, it’s your baby. if not, she will be trying to get her way for years to come. And no watchers needed when you change a nappy! And don’t ever think you are doing anything wrong, you won’t!

At that age I also didn’t like people passing my DC around or leaving the room. Just be very clear when you want DD back.
congratulations!

My sister had the EXACT same problem with her MIL like every example you've described, plus more. She could have written this post! Honestly in her case the MIL became a different woman once baby was born, she was behaving ridiculously. They had such a good relationship before baby. They left it as sister hates conflict until it absolutely exploded about 8 months in when MIL just crossed a line.

My only advice is nip this in the bud ASAP!! I suggest your OH deals with his mother politely, but firmly. eg. We are not comfortable with A, B and C. We love having you around and bonding with GC, that is so important to us. But, while we figure out our new role as parents we need you to support us to feel comfortable and confident.'
The sooner it's done, the easier it is long term. You don't want to end up with an irreparable relationship like my poor sister.

Congratulations on your precious baby by the way. Everything you're feeling is so normal and natural, so don't feel like it's just new mum hormones and you're certainly not overreacting. You're a Mama with strong protective instincts and don't ever change that xx

I did this. It worked well.

I remember these moments all so well.

Totally agree with nipping this in the bud now.
I didn't and it got worse, with second DC I've been much better and openly saying I need her back now.

Congratulations on your new baby, don't blame everything on hormones as things 9/10 aren't hormone related.

MIL sounds very selfish, it’s your baby, she has had hers, of course you want your baby close to you. Had your partner spoken to his mum? If it’s getting too much could you make an excuse and leave earlier?

She's not doing anything wrong. She's just doing things that you're not comfortable with.

So don't take this as a sign that she's a different person from who you thought she was, or that you're relationship is going to be difficult going forward.

Just talk to her. Let her know that your hormones are giving you a hard time at the moment, and your not comfortable with her taking the baby out of your sight, and when baby cries you want her back in your arms straight away.

This feeling won't last forever, and in a few weeks you won't care about anyone doing the things that she's doing at the moment. And in a few months you'll be only too happy for someone to take over for a bit.
But she's forgotten what your hormones are doing at this point, and since she's a nice person that you normally get on with, a gentle reminder is probably all that's needed

Thank you all for not making me feel like I’m crazy and overreacting!

I think MiL is picking up on me wanting DD back etc because she’s brought her back to DH today saying she ‘can’t do anything right with DD’, even though DD wasn’t actually crying, she was just kind of vocalising if that makes sense? So I think MIL is feeling a bit put out that DD doesn’t respond to her like her own baby? Maybe I’m totally misinterpreting things. I’m just wondering why MiL was previously so great and supportive and why us having our baby has changed things so much.

All of your replies have been so helpful and i’m sorry to those of you who have been in similar situations (or to the PP whose sister went through similar). I really don’t want this to damage the relationship because the family is really close and I don’t want to be the one who ruins it all for everyone, so I think you’re right that I should gently deal with this now before it gets worse.

Maybe I’m totally misinterpreting things. I’m just wondering why MiL was previously so great and supportive and why us having our baby has changed things so much."

She almost certainly still will be great and supportive. But she has to get used to the grandparent role, just as you're having to adjust to motherhood.

If you can just take a minute to try to understand how mind-blowing and emotional becoming a grandparent is (and of course I didn't get it either, when I was a new mum!) and give things time to settle as well as talking to her about your own emotions and feelings, you might well find common ground.

Your thinking the worst at such an early stage.

I've heard so many stories when MIL and DIL got on really well until a grandchild comes a long. Then these strange behaviours come out. I'd say you are not just being hormonal and this will only stop if you put kind but firm boundaries, please don't go away with baby at this time. You don't need to cup dc head while I'm holding , but thank you anyway. It could be she just wants to help or have some her time on her own to bond , however if you continue to allow her to do things you ate uncomfortable with, this will get worse and she might end up doing more stuff. I had a terrible MIL , jealous competitive etc it was horrendous, started off little things and it got worse and worse.
I read somewhere else that you naturally have a protective instinct over your newborn , like in the animal world , if a mother feels her baby is being threatened or taken away she will kill or fight. Could just be your natural instinct to protect. Obviously you know baby won't come to harm but it's very invasive with your newborn

What is it with these useless men silently watching their newly delivered wives getting upset with these issues and not saying a word. Where is he when this is going on?

He should have told her the first time not to take her out of the room, or to give her back straight away. It’s a lot easier for him to tell her to stop hovering over nappy changes than you.

So tell him to deal with it or they’ll be less visits. You shouldn’t have to deal with this as a new mum. He should be advocating for you.

She's not doing anything wrong. She's just doing things that you're not comfortable with

The OP has told her she's not happy with some of this stuff and she's still doing it. That's what she's doing wrong.

Mil is doing something wrong. Absolutely. She's upsetting the op. And getting annoyed when the baby doesn't respond to her like she does her mother. 🙄

And her overbearing hovering the whole time is bizarre. My mil used to do this. Such weird obsessive behaviour. I had to tell her to balance herself and stop stalking me with 8-10 telephone calls every day. Her drip of a son my ex, did nothing.

I had similar OP and when nobody else notices, it's difficult to figure out if you're being unreasonable or not. MIL would squeeze up next to me on the couch when her usual spot was across the room, she'd hang over the back of the couch with her face virtually on my shoulder, over our shoulder when changing nappies, take DS out the room for no reason, would ignore us when we'd say baby needs fed (I was breastfeeding which she disapproved of and would make me uncomfortable so I'd take him away to feed) so wouldn't hand him back even when crying and she couldn't settle him and it escalated to her lifting baby out of my arms without asking. It really upset me. I kept it to myself for months and husband was completely oblivious to it until I told him then he started noticing and would be stronger to say no, give him back now please. I ended up in therapy because I found it too difficult to be around MIL and I just wasn't strong enough to say please stop or baby needs fed. Therapist gave me some good coping techniques including getting up and walking away when she gets too close or reaches out to take baby. You don't need to be rude, you can politely put boundaries in place - "oh baby's quite settled at the moment so I'll hold on to him for now". Once you've had a bit of strength to do it a few times, it gets easier. Now DS is 21 months and he tells her no, pushes her back when her face is hovering over the high chair as he eats and won't go with her or sit on her knee if he doesn't want to so we don't need to intervene as much. Currently pregnant with number two and I'm already panicking that it'll happen again but I need to be stronger for my own sake this time.