Finding MIL tricky since DD was born?

[FlissPots]

DD1 is 6 weeks old and I had a quite traumatic birth so am prepared to be told I’m the unreasonable one here.

My MIL has always been lovely to me and supportive throughout pregnancy, but since DD was born, I’ve found her behaviour quite challenging and sometimes upsetting. It feels a bit overbearing, if i’m honest

the most recent incident has been her taking DD away into other rooms when she holds her, which sets of all of my ‘eek!’ hormones as I just want my baby in the room with me and not taken away while she’s so tiny. MIL seems to know I don’t like this as she laughs and says ‘don’t worry, I’ll bring her back’ when I ask where she’s going. She’s done this repeatedly while we’ve been here (between Xmas and new year). Nobody else takes DD out of the room and MiL will be sat happily for ages without moving before she holds DD.

She’s also done things like hold/cup DD’s head while I’m holding her, stood over me and watched me changing DD’s nappy or putting her in her car seat, which makes me really uncomfortable like I’m doing it wrong (although I’m pretty sure I’m not - I know how to look after my DD).

She’s also not been good at giving DD back when she cries - I’ve had to go and take her off MiL as she just holds on to her, or tries to pass her to another relative rather than give her back to me. I’m also struggling with DD being passed around so many people while we’re here as there are always friends/relatives dropping in and wanting a cuddle, and she just gets passed around. She isn’t a toy!

I don’t understand why MIL is being like this when we’ve always got on so well and she’s been so kind to me. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even ‘see’ me any more, she only sees my baby.

I know I need to be more asserive where DD is concerned, but how do I do this without upsetting MiL? And will either her behaviour or my hormones/overreactions calm down?!

We’re going home on 1st so this is only for the next few days thankfully

FlissPots

What does your DH think about his mother's behaviour or has he not noticed?.

Pay for childcare rather than use your mother in law for this going forward.

One of the weirdest things that happens when you have a baby is realising that people are jealous of you and the relationship your baby has to you.

Sorry, but I think that's rubbish. I know that 'jealous' is trotted out all the time on Mumsnet, but it's not been my experience at all.

Family members aren't jealous of a mother's relationship with her baby. But they do want to foster their own relationship with their new relative.

For families to be supportive and protective environments, fostering the relationship between a child and its grandparents and it's aunties and uncles is important. And those relationships can run side by side with the parents'.

In these hormone filled early days, yes, it possibly requires some management and understanding of the mother's needs, but calling it jealousy is, imo, ridiculous.

I had the same thought process but it didn't end well either. I was hassled every visit throughout maternity about when I was going back to work then the time came and it was just awful. So many boundaries pushed, not to mention multiple holidays booked without giving us notice then demanding to change days to suit them (I don't think they quite grasped we couldn't just put baby in nursery another day when it suited and that we'd need time off work if there was no cover). In the end, it didn't work out and we've stopped the childcare arrangement which has been beneficial for everyone's relationship. It does mean we need to facilitate their relationship with DS at the weekend but it's far healthier for everyone than what was happening on weekdays when we were working. Like your husband, mine hasn't actually explained and I worry that things will eventually boil over but it's his decision how to manage his parents.

She should definitely give her back when she's crying or at least ask if she needs feeding or do you want MIL to try and settle her.
Everything else I think you need to get over a bit. I know it's hard with your first baby when people watch you do things but it's really just because they're interested in the baby rather than checking up on you.
If you've always got on well with MIL before it would suggest that she's trying to be helpful and just besotted with her new granddaughter rather than trying to be unkind to you.
Having a helpful and interested grandmother will be a very useful thing in the future when you want someone to babysit or just generally be there for your child.

If you didn’t experience that then it’s fine but it’s something I absolutely have experienced and many people I know with young babies have.

Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me. If you didn’t experience it that’s fine! Clearly you’ve never had to deal with manipulative family members. Count yourself lucky instead of being rude online.

I had this with my mum over Christmas. In the end I was just direct with her, appreciating it’s easier with your own parents, and said that I knew it was totally irrational but I really didn’t like it when she leaves the room with the baby. And that if she’s crying I’ll be taking her back.

I let myself ignore the other annoying bits! Apart from the nappy changing bit, I said that wasn’t a spectator sport.

Weird. Because my fil told me specifically that my mil was very jealous of my breastfeeding my ds1 and said nay fine he spent with other relatives.

The jealousy is real and wanting to re-enact parenthood is also real.

Don't be so dismissive of other people's experiences just because it's not your own experiences.

Aaargh. She was jealous of any time he spent with other family members.

I wonder if your MIL had pictured the newborn days with your DD a bit differently than the reality? Maybe she had played it out in her head that you would need lots of support and advice and she saw herself being in that advisory role? I’m not excusing it at all, but wonder if that’s where it’s all coming from? Maybe she saw herself swanning in and taking the baby to give you a break on a regular basis and advising you on breastfeeding and so on. Is she one of those women who are very proud of the way they parented their own children and has quite set ideas about how it’s done? Whatever the reason she really needs to back off and stop trying to muscle in. Family dynamics change a lot when you have children - maybe she has seen herself as the family matriarch, setting the tone and being the one in charge but now that you’re a mum too that’s more your role than hers so she will have to step back and do things your way and she’s finding that hard…

Getting DH onside with this is going to be key I think. He no doubt sees no issue with his own mum taking the baby into another room because he knows she will be safe with his mum so you probably need to spell it out. ‘DH you know how when a dog has puppies or a cat has kittens humans are advised to keep their distance because their natural instinct is to protect their young and keep them close and they will lash out at anyone threatening that? Well that’s a primal instinct and I feel the same about DD. It’s cometwly normal. Your mum is really well meaning and I don’t want to upset her but she’s trampling all over those instincts and I need your help so it doesn’t spoil our relationship. When she makes off with her out of the room please ask her to go back as ‘she needs to be near her mummy’ and when DD cries please go and get her and say ‘she obviously needs her mummy now.’

This is a very helpful thread for all of us MILs too! DIL and I get on like a house on fire and I’d hate to do anything to threaten that. No DGC yet but I’m going to think very hard about how I play it if and when they have them. DIL lost her own mum years ago so I’ll be the only grandma and I want to make a good job of it. I think I’ll be saying from the start how delighted I am and how much I want to be involved but I don’t want to step on any toes and that they must tell me straight away if I do! I said the same to DS when they got married…that I wanted to be a good DM/MIL and that he must tell me if I do anything to upset DIL or overstep and so far so good but I am aware that becoming a mum changes everything and that all the family dynamics need time to adjust. You’re not overthinking it and not being unreasonable. Draw that boundary line early on!