Finding MIL tricky since DD was born?

[FlissPots]

DD1 is 6 weeks old and I had a quite traumatic birth so am prepared to be told I’m the unreasonable one here.

My MIL has always been lovely to me and supportive throughout pregnancy, but since DD was born, I’ve found her behaviour quite challenging and sometimes upsetting. It feels a bit overbearing, if i’m honest

the most recent incident has been her taking DD away into other rooms when she holds her, which sets of all of my ‘eek!’ hormones as I just want my baby in the room with me and not taken away while she’s so tiny. MIL seems to know I don’t like this as she laughs and says ‘don’t worry, I’ll bring her back’ when I ask where she’s going. She’s done this repeatedly while we’ve been here (between Xmas and new year). Nobody else takes DD out of the room and MiL will be sat happily for ages without moving before she holds DD.

She’s also done things like hold/cup DD’s head while I’m holding her, stood over me and watched me changing DD’s nappy or putting her in her car seat, which makes me really uncomfortable like I’m doing it wrong (although I’m pretty sure I’m not - I know how to look after my DD).

She’s also not been good at giving DD back when she cries - I’ve had to go and take her off MiL as she just holds on to her, or tries to pass her to another relative rather than give her back to me. I’m also struggling with DD being passed around so many people while we’re here as there are always friends/relatives dropping in and wanting a cuddle, and she just gets passed around. She isn’t a toy!

I don’t understand why MIL is being like this when we’ve always got on so well and she’s been so kind to me. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even ‘see’ me any more, she only sees my baby.

I know I need to be more asserive where DD is concerned, but how do I do this without upsetting MiL? And will either her behaviour or my hormones/overreactions calm down?!

We’re going home on 1st so this is only for the next few days thankfully

So sorry this happened to you too and well done for seeking help with it. It’s so hard, isn’t it? I think nobody has noticed it in my situation either. I tried to ask DH yesterday not to let MiL leave the room with DD or to speak to her if she tried to do it again, and he sort of looked at me like ‘riiiight…’, and when she did it again, he didn’t say anything. I feel so silly bringing it up with him because I feel like I’m being a silly drama queen, but I do wish he’d stand up for me and DD a bit more. It feels a bit like I’m on my own and being unreasonable for feeling how I do about my baby.

I just wanted to add that my MIL is very similar. She always walks into another room with him and demands him as soon as we arrive. He turned one in December so it's not faded over time.

It came to a head with an incident which I won't go into but now I just stand up for us and say no I'm holding him or no he's playing nicely and doesn't need to be held/moved etc. It's almost like she sees herself as the mum and wants to prove herself but I want her to be grandma.

I would say that standing up for yourself each and every time is key. Hopefully it will fade over time but it hasn't for me.

You definitely do not need to hand your baby over to anyone if you don't want to. Just keep her with you. While you are visiting, a sling would be good as it creates a kind of barrier to anyone else. Your Dh should be advocating for you and standing up for you about this with his family, while you enjoy your bubble with new baby. He cannot just stand by while baby gets taken out of the room against your wishes. Can you tell him that?

God all the overbearing grandmothers are coming out of the woodwork at the moment aren't they? I've seen about half a dozen threads to this effect over the past few days!

OP if your relationship is otherwise good just try and calmly assert yourself. Yes your hormones will be playing a part BUT is not being helped by your MIL lack of boundaries.

It sounds like she's overstayed her welcome tbh. How far away does she live?

@FlissPots oh OP I feel for you. I know that 6 weeks feels like ages with a baby but you are actually still so early on in your parenthood and full of (very important) maternal instincts. It is totally natural not to want the baby taken away.

I had this issue with my SIL who is lovely but for some reason she had a total blind spot when my DS was born. It felt like it was all about her and how she and her kids could get time with the baby and she forgot totally about the fact that the baby and my wellbeing was paramount. We were in NICU and she was even arranging visits to the unit for her kids making me wait outside while they visited (because you were only allowed a certain number in at the time).

She was there when we got home from the hospital too and also kept taking the baby away so her kids could have a hold. I felt physically panicked and sick and sat there crying while my baby was taken away. Even 18 months later I still feel the pain of this.

She would probably be horrified if I ever told her this. She really is a very good and kind person. I don't know what it was but things have settled down now DS isn't so young and I'm happier to have bits of time with him being held by others.

I suppose what I'm saying is that good people can be a bit strange around a newborn - your instincts and feelings are totally valid. But it may get better over time. I hope so xxx

Some of these responses are ridiculous

This is mainly your hormones talking. Honestly, none of this will matter in time. It's literally nothing of concern. She's a grandma and wants to get involved. I will never understand the whole 'she's had her turn' thing. Ridiculous

Having said that though, you're clearly unhappy so all you can do is just politely reiterate you'd like her back or whatever. Or ask your husband to speak to her

But honestly, it passes and all will be well. It's good in the long run for children to bond with their family and yes, she's not a toy but you want her to form close bonds with other relations in time so don't get too tied up over this

I hope you’re doing okay OP. Please never doubt yourself or think you’re doing something wrong. Baby is yours and you waited a long time and had to go through labour to meet them, you’re absolutely allowed to want them with you! All I will say is never be afraid to advocate for yourself and your baby and don’t let anyone do anything you’re not comfortable with.

I’ve been in your position and I found once baby arrived, it just turned MIL ‘strange’. I too felt like an incubator that didn’t matter now baby was here.

She wanted to know when I was in labour (declined) and wanted to come over as soon as I’d got home from hospital. She kept trying to kiss him when she gets coldsores and would stand over him asleep in his basket, with her huge phone hanging really close over his head. When she was asked not to do it in case she woke him up or dropped her phone on his head, she stormed out of the house in a huff. When we were filtering visitors to 1 person at a time to minimise overwhelm, she then tagged onto BIL’s visit when she’d already had her’s.

She’d turn up at our house unannounced and then start demanding DH’s shift pattern to schedule in video calls when he worked awful shifts at the time and I had PND. When she realised DH was being fair with everyone but not giving into her every demand, she stopped speaking to him and hasn’t seen DS since he was a baby (now nearly 5). She hasn’t met DD who’s nearly 2, at all. We’ve had 2 family weddings where we’ve all been present and she’s never once attempted to speak to any of us and has tried to encourage her sisters to ignore us.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your baby with you or to not want them passed around when they’re so tiny they don’t know what’s going on.

@FlissPots it's difficult to find a balance between when to speak up or let things go. The rational part of you knows baby won't come to any harm but that doesn't necessarily make you feel better. Like a PP said, I think people have a bit of a blind spot when it comes to new babies and it just results in a complete lack of awareness which can feel disrespectful.

My husband did get better after I eventually spoke to him but honestly, I don't think he sees some things so I've realised I can't always count on him noticing and I need to speak up myself. After you've spoken up once it gets easier each time (although I don't find it easy, I just know I'm capable if that makes sense). Also, knowing that you can speak up when need be makes it easier to let some things go.

When MIL goes to leave the room, instead of asking where she's going or saying don't leave the room, would it work to say something like "oh if you're going to the kitchen, I'll take baby back now thanks" then proactively step towards her to lift her back? That might give you a little more feeling in control. In that scenario, it's difficult to imagine anyone saying no and walking away from you but if the request is met with "that's okay, I don't mind" or "I'll bring her back" maybe just again say, no it's fine I'll take her back and let you do what you need to do then lift her back. You don't need to be confrontational (I think that's often where our minds take us when we're upset) as long as you remain polite and if MIL is otherwise lovely, it shouldn't become a big thing.

I was actually thinking about this earlier, think back to when mine were babies and what advice I'd give in the future, and it was

It's amazing how much a perfectly lovely, supportive MIL will somehow really piss you off when you have a baby - I remember it well and there have been so many threads that are similar. I suspect it's a combination of factors - definitely m grit your teeth, Keep baby close and get through this bit (in terms of MIL being annoying) the really intense irritation/ anger and frustration calms right down. It's all natural

You can do two things. Ignore and suck it up or have a quiet word
Mil - I've noticed you take DD out of the room every time I hand her to you. It's probably hormones and lack of sleep but it's making me really anxious. We're going home in two days, can't you just sit and enjoy her instead of multi tasking?

My mil was a bit weirdly fascinated by nappy changing with DD1 for a few weeks. A) she'd only had boys and B) had never used disposable nappies. She did chill out but I think was hyper sensitive to being able to do it all if asked again. And here is nothing so tiny as a newborn to work up the nerves

New babies need their mothers. They really don't want (or should) be with anyone else for longer than a short period (for mom to shower, have a moment, etc). Baby is crying for mom because she is all baby knows and MIL KNOWS this. Which is why her behavior is very poor. She's breaking mother/baby bond by doing this and someone needs to stop her. Why do some MILs get baby feverish? I don't know. But it mostly hurts the baby.

As a new mom, this is just your first of many issues where you will need to grow a spine and protect your child. You can do it. With MIL, start politely but firmly.

I had the exact same scenario with my MIL. She even called herself "mum" to my baby. DD was bottle fed and she insisted on doing all the feeds, wouldn't give her back for an entire day even tho I asked. Said that the baby preferred being with her (but only ever said things like this when DH was out of the room). Luckily they lived far away so we only saw them a handful of times a year.

MIL had fertility issues and I think her weird behaviour stemmed from that. I asked DH to speak to both her and FIL and the behaviour got mildly better... But they were still obsessive/ott that first year. However as DD has gotten older the visits have stopped and they seem to now have completely no interest in DD.

I find the behaviour quite bizarre tbh because when DD was a baby they were so obsessed with her, used to ask for me and DH to leave so it was just them with her - but as soon as she became older and has a clear preference for me and DH they no longer seem interested...

Anyway, my point is this won't last. Soon your baby will be old enough to show MIL that you are the most important person to them! But for now, ask your DH to have a word with her - it'll come better from family. If he won't you might have to start being firmer and more direct - but it really should come from your DH ideally, it's his DM

My MIL used to do this too and it drove me insane. She’d walk off into other rooms for no reason, do everything she could to avoid giving me my baby back when she cried and she even kept ‘accidentally’ referring to herself as mummy when talking to my baby. With hindsight I know it was hormones raging but all these things really upset me and made me scream inside. It’s normal and they should know better, having been there themselves.

I always got on well with MIL as well so it was unexpected that she’d annoy me so much once baby arrived. It did settle down, after a few months she didn’t seem so intense and I didn’t feel so hormonal and protective so it kind of levelled out. I never said anything, I think it would have caused too much drama. Ironically as mine got older she became less and less interested and has never been up for much babysitting!

Oh my gosh, this happened with my MIL too! Exactly. My little boy is 4 now and when I think back it still makes me feel anxious and angry!

Definitely nip it in the bud now and set your boundaries. Don't worry about being assertive as it's your baby and not theirs. I know it's hard, I felt my husband didn't back me when I asked him to say things for me and you are really vulnerable at that time. I felt my husband was too worried about pleasing his mum with the first grandchild. This went on for a few months and got worse and worse and blew. I still don't think I'm over it when I think about it. I think she saw my baby as her property with being a blood relative and swooped in, not knowing what her role as grandparent would look like. Backed up by SIL. This is my only explanation for her behaviour. Anyway when I got pregnant with baby number two I was ready for her this time but she didn't really come near me. She treats them both differently and shows favouritism. Another thing to bug me with!

This is really normal...Everyone is finding new roles

Given you have a good relationship and she is a nice person I'd try and keep in mind "you can't have enough people to love your child"

I'd make a point of being effusive and thankful or giving praise about things she does nicely and also say things "Hiii X good to see you! She turned her eyes when she heard your voice in the hall!!! She must know your voice - Isnt that nice?"
Varients include smiled/ clapped hands / crawled toward door
(Note: it doesnt need to be 100% true!)

I actually think the sling in a bit PA and wouldnt do it, its an overreaction in this scenario as she isnt a full scale nightmare mil.

I'd try and be generous where it costs nothing (see above) and thrn go with politely assertive- just say what you want.

So say "sit down there with baby and ill make you a tea" (go tonkitchen for 60 secs so she gets alone time and you get baby back so she can drink her tea)

"Its easier if we all stay in the living room" and "Please can you hand me the baby? its the fastest way to stop her crying" also are phrases i used a lot
If she wants to walk out literally say "where are you going?" "That's fine but leave the baby here if you want to stroll on the veranda / rummage through my knicker drawers"

No actually. I wouldn't encourage her by being effusive and ott. This is someone who clearly has or is developing issues with boundaries and I wouldn't enable that one bit.

I felt this way too and I'm convinced it's an evolutionary lizard-brain response, I just hated my MIL holding my baby although I didn't mind my mother doing the same things. I read that great apes will take and kill the babies of other mothers so there is a strong drive not to hand a baby to an unrelated female!

We had a great relationship but I hated everything she did during the newborn phase. You do need to communicate assertively - I'll take the baby now, please keep the baby in this room etc.

The feeling has passed now and I'm very happy to hand over my toddler to her so I get a break.

That makes so much sense, it really feels like an instinctive thing that I just cringe almost when she’s holding DD, in a way that I don’t get at all when FIL holds her, for example.

Our plan for further down the line was for MIL to help with childcare (she’s offered to come to us to do a couple of days a week when I go back to work in the summer), but I can’t bear the thought of handing over DD to her to have her unsupervised.

She says things to DD when she’s holding her like ‘you can stay here snd we’ll send your mummy and daddy home’ and she’s deliberately leaving FIL out, eg. by not tellimg him when she’s meeting us for a walk and just leaving the house without him, so she gets more time with DD than he does. She also gets cold sores which I never noticed until now, although she’s never tried to kiss DD with an active coldsore, but the thought of it makes me so uneasy.

Everything she does with DD just sets my nerves on edge and I can’t wait for this feeling to stop!

I had the exact same scenario with my mil, she was so helpful in the immediate days following the birth that I feel I had to be grateful and couldn’t say anything but my husband should have set boundaries. Unfortunately things didn’t calm down and naively I thought her helping out with childcare once I was back at work would give her an opportunity for special time with her grandchild but it made her more obsessed and blurred the boundaries further.
DH never said anything to her and unfortunately it ended up in an explosive row which has damaged my relationship with DH’s side of the family.

I think this is common. My MIL and SILs were like this. I think they were just utterly obsessed with my babies and took them away from me so they could get quality time with them. I hated it when my babies cried and they'd be rocking them etc. rather than giving them back to me.
I dealt with it by firmly taking my babies whenever I wanted them, (or when I felt the babies needed me) but also letting them have cuddles. There were times when it worked to my advantage, when I enjoyed a break. I also hated the babies being passed around and remember saying "They're not a doll!" But in reality, I don't think the babies minded at all.
As the children got older, I realised it was great for them to be so loved. The more people that loved them, the better. It was also useful for us to have babysitters when needed.
My kids are now teenagers and have a lovely relationship with their grandma and aunties. It's good to see.

I have a great relationship with my MIL but she was so difficult when my oldest was born, it really seemed to bring out the worst in her. She was so overbearing and didn't seem to respect us at all as parents. She even tried to give DH nappy changing advice when DD was well over a year old! In the end we had to reduce visits as it just didn't stop. Now, many years later, she's back to being wonderful.

You need to tell your DH how his mum's behaviour is making you feel. We can tell how upset you are and he needs to realise this too. Tell him that if she continues to behave in this way, you will need to limit the time that you and DD spend with her.

On a separate point I think you would have been so much better only going for a few days at Christmas.

9/10 days away from the comfort of your own home so soon after giving birth is bound to raise tensions.

One of the weirdest things that happens when you have a baby is realising that people are jealous of you and the relationship your baby has to you. Instead of encouraging your baby to have a healthy bum with the mother they want to interrupt and put the focus on them. It’s extremely strange. The only advice I can give you is that you’ll never get this time back so the more you stand up for yourself The more you hold your boundaries the happier you’ll feel overall and you’ll never look back at that time with regret.

Not sure I agree with this. My MIL and SILs weren't jealous of my bond with my babies, but they did love them intensely and wanted lots of cuddles (without me interfering). Yes, you need to have boundaries, and you should absolutely take your baby back when you want them or when they need you. However, I also think you need to be aware that your in-laws are family too and there's no harm in letting them have lots of cuddles at the right time. I encouraged their relationship and it's lovely now my kids are teenagers and very close to my in-laws. My DD is already planning to travel with my SIL when she's 18. They adore each other.