How do I make OLD work for me?

[Oldfailed]

I am a divorced mother of 2 in my mid 40s. Name changed since I post frequently on MN. I work in a fairly high pressure corporate job. After years of living separately from my ex husband, and with the divorce finally done, I registered on Hinge and Bumble, since i haven't managed to meet anyone IRL. I am looking for ideally a long-term relationship, or casual dates (not ONS) and have specified this on my profile

I have been on a few dates with people and, apart from 1 (who I see very infrequently and there is no real progress), I have drawn a blank on people I was interested in and who also wanted a second date. I'm not sure what the competition out there is - perhaps much better looking than me? I feel im quite presentable but a size 14 - so perhaps that is something that is a deal-breaker when they meet me - but then, why even bother with a first date?

I have met about 7 or 8 people in the past 3 months and it's the same everywhere.
I am clear about the fact that I have children, I'm not looking to remarry at all. I don't usually get reasons why not from these men - most will just ghost me, or offer something vague like "we are looking for different things" without any clarity on what it is they are looking for (this is one of the first question I ask when chatting online in any case). I am ruthless about filtering before i meet, and also don't have a lot of time.

I'm at my wits' end and this is really getting me down, battering my already fragile self-confidence. Is there a trick I am missing? From other MN threads it seems like men are falling over each other to date most other women posting on mumsnet. Definitely not the case with me. What would you do short of going off online dating and resigning myself to a lonely and sexless life?

You've divorced at a very bad time. The dating scene has by and large collapsed. Dating apps used to be great but they've acknowledged they've tinkered with the algorithms so you don't actually get to view all profiles anymore + the illusion of options has made people using the apps to sort of design a 100% ideal partner passing up potential good partners in the hunt for perfection that is unlikely to be found - the comment of looking for different things sort of ties into that perfect partner thing.

In short, I'd recommend to get off the apps. Join some local clubs where you can meet new people and broaden your social circle. It may take time but then again going on multiple 1st dates on apps is a waste of time in itself.

Did you fancy every person you met? When I was OLD I didn’t fancy 95% of the people I met up with. A lot of the time the feeling was mutual and we wouldn’t talk again after date 1. Sometimes they were the one to tell me they didn’t want another date, sometimes I said it, sometimes they did want to see me again and I said no. Of the 5% I did fancy, 3% rejected me, 1% we had some more dates/a short fling but nothing came of it and the remaining 1% became my partner (but this is after being on OLD on and off for 10 years!) It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just that OLD is basically scooping up a cross section of the general public indiscriminately in a big net and hoping you click with someone in it. People can present very differently on the app/over messaging to how they are IRL so you really don’t know if there’ll be a spark. It’s not reasonable to think you’ll fancy every person you meet, is it? So also not reasonable to expect them all to fancy you.

@Oldfailed

I'd recommend joining the dating thread on the relationships forum here, as it's been going on for years and is very supportive

I also ended up being really negative about myself with OLD and that you had to have a really thick skin to get through (you said you have fragile self confidence). My turning point here was realising my super stunning, successful two friends who were getting attention, even they were getting ghosted/treated poorly by Mr Average. So it made me realise it wasn't always a looks thing or even a 'me' thing. It's just a melting point of people, nice and not nice.

Also there's tons of choice, so you can be an average bloke who is normal/ok height, they will meet someone. If they are vaguely attractive and have money, that's a no brainer. I chatted to men who were law partners or MDs and they openly admitted this. Whereas a gorgeous, successful woman may struggle purely because there are lots of these. Using that same thread as an example, the men posting all ended up dating, the women still looking.

Personally what I found useful was good filtering (had to have good email rapport) and also video calls beforehand to avoid wasting time. If there was brilliant phone chemistry, I wouldn't need the video call but it definitely helped. Also, if they wanted to meet you/date you, they would make time so at the first sign of delays/excuses, that meant no interest.

Im currently seeing someone I was friends with via OLD. We swapped notes/grumbled together about dating as on paper we weren't suited so was nice to chat to someone freely with no expectations. I thought he was interesting but as we didn't meet in a swiping situation, I didn't see him as a dating option

When we finally met as friends, it turned into more.

I've been OLD on and off for around 5 years. It's awful, but real life isnt any better. If someone has the answer, and no it isn't join a club, please let us single ladies know?!

Latest experience, 3 really good dates. He suggests a night away, day sorted, bails on the day. I called out his behaviour, radio silence. He came across as one of the good guys.

I hated OLD, I was doing it during lockdown when it was still pretty lively met a couple of men. Came off in 2021. I hated what it was doing to me. It felt really shallow. I'd never had a problem chatting to men in real life but it made me question my worth, the amount of time wasters and ones who just wanted something wank to.

The one guy I kept in touch with and saw regularly had the same feelings as me about it (I'd have happily dated him but I took too long realising I wanted him) and agreed real life was better.

Signed up again earlier this year and cancelled almost straight away.

This is OLD dating. You have to date a higher number to get results.

you said you’d meet 7-8 people. But for OLD dating to be successful it should be 50! It’s quick date I.e. coffee or just a drink. It’s a numbers game.

alternatively join clubs and sports to include your social pool.

good luck!

All I can say is - it’s much the same for men. Nearly a year on, OLD and singles groups have netted me a handful of dates but have let me meet two women so different to me that we’d have never met or been introduced otherwise - who I now count among my closest friends. Now going through brief bursts of interest / enthusiasm between long spells of complete disillusion.

Are you saying there are lots and lots of gorgeous successful women and that the average man has his pick of this amazing crop?

And a man who is reasonably attractive and has money does even better?

I am interested in this too, joined eHarmony a couple of days ago and realized it was a total waste of money - only one man has contacted me and he's on the other side of the world! I have pre teens and no family support so getting out to meet people in real life is hard, but I thought I would at least get to chat to people with potential OLD! Instead it's just tumbleweed...

I think you need to be very thick skinned to do OLD. That and have low expectations! The problem is, (as a PP Said). is that everyone seems to believe they're going to come across a perfect person - and as we all know deep down, that person doesn't exist , yet most people still believe it. The issue with OLD is that the next swipe could be better looking, richer, more sociable, taller, whatever it is you're looking for. It's a conveyor belt of people and it works much like gambling - the next hit could be 'the one'. Don't think like that - just enjoy getting to know people without any expecttions, and good people do come along.

For the record, i'm a 47 year old Divorced dad with 50-50 care of my 2 kids. I' ve been on/off OLD for about 5-6 years now - have had a lot of dates, most go nowhere. Some go for a few dates before you realise you're incompatible and a couple of developed into relationships. But above all, i always make sure i enjoy the person's company. After all - if i've got as far as a date, i've learnt they're generally a decent person. Some let yo down, but the majoirty are 'good eggs'.

Eugh, my world is incredibly small and I need to get out and make more friends. Alongside this, I find the world of OLD incredibly daunting so I haven't joined anything yet (post-divorce). I am thinking I might not bother, but try joining something instead. I find OLD to be a bit like ordering something from Amazon, quite honestly. ☹️

I don't fancy all of the people i met off the apps (of course) but it never comes to my saying no - they are always first off the mark to ghost / block / send regrets. It's tough enough finding people I think I would gel with. Even the person who I have seen a few times now is flaky, cancels often at the last minute and I am tempted to stop seeing him entirely.

The numbers game is even tougher in real life - how many men will I randomly come across who will even be looking to date, and then show any interest in me? My life is limited to work and home usually and all the men I know socially are not single.

I had first joined this app called 'elite singles' and that was worse than bumble and hinge. I'm now getting off bumble and have not yet opted for a paid subscription on Hinge.

Get off the apps and take up either rowing, running, or touch rugby.

Following because I’ve just tried OLD and already run out of people, only 2 matches and no dates.

Been single 5 years and in that whole time I’ve probably had 7/8 first dates and only 1 that lead to a second.

Think I’ve resigned myself now to being single for life and I’m ok with that on most levels but it would be nice to meet someone to go on dates with (I would never want to cohabitate again)

On Bumble and Hinge- I do get a lot of swipes. But 95% of these I'm not interested in at first glance / after exchanging messages. Men seem to swipe indiscriminately- not really seeing what I have said I am looking for, on my profile. Many people don't even reply after my first message to them on Bumble (where one has 24 hours to message any match).

I haven't tried video calling as a further filter- this will likely further decrease any first dates I do go on. Bur perhaps less waste of time.

I do think men are less discerning about swiping. I get loads of likes that are outside my age bracket or who live 200 miles away.

And even when I get matches getting a conversation out of most of them is like pulling teeth.

Not much to add to what has already been said, other than it's not due to you being a size 14. Most men won't be bothered about that and I have slim friends have also been unsuccessful on OLD

I know we are perhaps self selecting a sample here since this is mumsnet, but it does make me wonder why things are the way they are. A previous male poster suggests that men have a similar experience (although I need more data points to be convinced of that). I'm not expecting a loaded invest banking MD or partner at a law firm who is going to start taking me on expensive lunches or holidays- far from it! I do need someone who has some level of self awareness and can hold a conversation and likes doing a few activities I find interesting.

The crux may be that men in their 40s might find it easier to date women in their 30s but it seems to be tougher the other way around (unless it is an ONS / very casual thing one is looking for).

It sounds grim and demoralising but no reflection on your attractiveness. People on there apps can be flaky and fussy.
Have you tried selecting an older age group?

No I get men in their 20s and 30s wanting to date me in my 40s
But I don't like age gaps.
The apps are awful OP.. My job has taken me places where many men congregate and that meant a lot of random chats and unexpected number swapping. These were male heavy events like comic con, wartime events, car and bike days etc. Also male heavy hobbies and pubs. Much more natural encounters

It seems generally on OLD most women get likes from men 10/15/20 years older. I’m in my 50’s and my experience (and that of my friends same age) is we’ve had messages from men in their 70’s and they’re the ones who get the most indignant with a polite ‘no thanks’

8 people in 3 months is pretty good going. I was on it for a year and only met 2! You sound like you have high standards too, so to date a man every couple of weeks - you're doing something right!

I'd say persevere, but accept you'll need to play the long game. Join clubs etc, accept every invitation that comes your way, and go to the non-mandatory work events you would usually swerve - meet as many people as you can in 2025. The bigger your network the more potential partners you'll be exposed to (pardon the pun :).

Controversial maybe, but I'd also remove 'casual dating' from your profile. A male friend said that everyone he meets on the app (our age) just wants or are satisfied with 'dinner and bed' - he wants more than that, others might not, but the point is, the app is flooded with that criteria, the superficial elements (looks etc) will rise to the top, and you'll always have masses of competition. And is 'dinner and bed' all you want? Nothing wrong with that btw, but I get the feeling you deserve/want someone special.

My advice is keep it relaxed.
I am alot older than you and have become much more fussy. I'm a size 14 and tall no raging beauty but ok looking.
Be blunt be funny be direct that works. Lately I have met some genuinely lovely guys and a couple of friends. Some will disappear and some will decide I'm.not for them and visa versa. I quite enjoy my time now. I always pay half do a video call first and ask loads of questions. I also make it clear I won't sleep with any of them off the back. There are many that want a quick shag which is fine. But that's not me. So I weed the players out that way
Don't give up

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes it's more that a man who can talk normally and is fairly decent usually gets more dates. Whereas you can be a very attractive woman, successful etc and talk normally/nice and not meet as many people. i think the bar is set low with online dating because there are so few decent men out there on there. That's just my opinion really.

yep - exactly that. depressing isn't it??