DP is upset with me about a joke

[Kloa]

DP told me something a few years ago that we laughed about together at the time when he told me. It was something very silly his ex had said about him to her friends, which they repeated to him. When I say silly, it was quite ridiculous and no legitimate reflection on DP’s character but it did annoy him at the time. Enough that he remembered it. An example is something like ‘you never bought me any chocolate ice cream when you knew I liked it and I’m going to hold it against you”.

I made this into a bit of a joke over the years and gave him some gentle ribbing about the topic, however the joke has never been on my DP as a person. The joke is obscure and meant to be light hearted and is about the particular topic/object.

I don’t bring it up very often, but DP and I have a very banter type relationship with some relatives and I (sober) let them in on this joke. He laughed it off at the time but held onto it all day and then was upset with me just before bed. He said he has asked me to stop doing it and I seem to enjoy taking the piss out of him.

I immediately sincerely apologised to him. I didn’t try to defend myself or anything as I do feel bad upsetting him (but I don’t remember him asking me not to repeat this before, so it did take me by surprise). After apologising he still seemed upset so I left him alone but now I don’t know if I was meant to do something more? Now there is a weird atmosphere between us and I don’t know how to unweird it. I don’t want to make it worse so I didn’t try to hug him as he didn’t appear to be very happy and was stressed. He doesn’t ever do things like this he is not a sulker or moody

I’ve been a dick and maybe he has told me to stop and I didn’t listen so I would like to put it right. What does an apology look like for you? I can’t sleep now

So you've realized where you were wrong and are determined to stop this behaviour. That's what you can do to make it up to him; never join in on this stupid game again and never tell anyone else about it. You are on the right track and you're obviously not a bad person, so ignore the nasty trolls. You just got carried away with trash talking which you should never have participated in. That's just being human and flawed like everyone else. The difference between you and a lot of people is that you are taking responsibility for it and changing your ways. Good for you. Tell your family to cut it out, too.

I would basically explain all this, and be really nice to him over the next few days to show you are sorry and want to make it up to him.

You apologised I think it just needs to move on now. Your aware and don't intend to do it again

Banter. One word that should be scrubbed, it simply means taking this piss at someone else's expense.

The fact your partner never joined in says it all.

simply means taking this piss

Taking the piss that should say.

To be fair, you were not even there when his ex made this comment and there’s always two sides to a story. You have absolutely no reason to have ever made this into such a ‘great joke’. Maybe just take this as a clue that it’s time to grow up?

The issue is that an in joke between the two of you doesn’t belong in the wider group. Is this so hard to understand? Originally he let you in on the incident with his ex because it made him feel safe and understood. You took his side in the story and the two of you turned it into a way of detoxing/defanging the memory. By letting other people into it you changed the story in ways he could not control. Rather than a bleak commentary on his ex it became a point of shame for him in the eyes of his family.

You don’t really seem to grasp that intimate jokes, like sex, stay between intimates. You don’t have sex in front of his relatives. Don’t share intimate ideas/stories with them either.

But you’ve apologized so just promise to be more respectful in the future.

some of the comments also changing the narrative so let’s just leave the story of the joke there. Otherwise this just keeps expanding. I’ve explained as best I can. It was a very silly reference to something to make her look/sound bad. TBH she doesn’t need my help to do that.

I’ve lain awake half the night going over why I am doing this. I feel like I am in that movie everything everywhere all at once, and she is the everything and the everywhere. I’ve built up a lot of resentment as she completely dominates all our lives and I need to detach. Our lives revolve around her. It’s very hard as I would expect our lives to revolve around the DC, I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for the situation I found myself in, DP dreads interacting with her so he is avoidant (and this means she ends up getting what she wants then he is frustrated about it and vents to me). She is manipulative, not just in the joke, all the time and I think I have no control in the situation so I’ve started to make light of things to gain back some control.

I apologised to DP when we woke up and said everything I said here that I was a dick and it was not ok, and that I wanted to do better and I tried to explain that he was not meant to be the butt of my jokes, she is, but I can see this is destructive as well and mean, and I would like to stop.

I explained that I feel she is the 3rd person in our relationship and I am the 3rd wheel, he knows this, I’ve told him this before.

I said that I am going to put distance between interacting with her/talking about her so I suggested DP doesn’t use me as a soundboard to complain to about little things. I won’t engage with the family gossip and bitching. I’m here for the big important stuff but we need to put her out of our minds on a day to day level. He is avoidant and she’s a bully but I am becoming one too and I don’t want that.

He was ok with me and we cleared the air.

Now just to work on detaching from her

Very good OP! Great, really thoughtful approach and good outcome!

I’m here for the big important stuff but we need to put her out of our minds on a day to day level. He is avoidant and she’s a bully but I am becoming one too and I don’t want that

Well said.

This all sounds extremely difficult and so much more than about a joke you have gone on about too much.

This predicament is not all your fault, but you have done well to face up to your part in the misused joke so unequivocally. Good luck.I think your husband and his DC are lucky to have someone so honest with them.

I'd be very careful now OP. You made a bad joke that was well within your usual character, your husband threw a massive sulk and you've prostrated yourself and worried all night.

Did it really merit him making you suffer, and you being so grovelling?

This could be a turning point in your relationship if he's learning that all he has to do to get you to heel is look a bit out of sorts. Are you sure that there isn't a possibility that he's getting on better terms with his ex?

@Tumbler2121 he didn’t sulk or have a tantrum. He was hurt and upset and very out of character for him, he hates conflict so it was probably hard for him to speak up about it.

No the terms with his ex are no better in terms of his feelings about her. It is a long story. We are civil. Going over it likely won’t help as it’s how I have been rationalising being a dick about her for so long, convinced myself she deserves it but all it’s doing is hurting us she doesn’t even know about it. She always gets what she wants because she doesn’t pay any mind to who she hurts in the process. I suppose I felt like I was punishing her.

There is a lot of unresolved hurt in DP’s family from years of stress. DP was isolated from his family and friends. DP’s life was turned over and left in ruins by the end. Things are better now and I don’t encourage him to retaliate against her at all, this is all behind her back!

Very wise outcome OP. I would be interested to know what he intends to do moving forwards to improve the wider situation as it feels like this as brought it to a head. I'm glad you acknowledged that you may have made an inappropriate comment but you're not the root cause. I'm hope he's just as reflective and honest as you.

Is it likely that he is concerned that members of his family, whom you describe as having a dark style of banter, will keep bringing this up? Could you ask him if he would like you to explain to them that you are feeling ashamed that you made the joke and that you would be grateful if they could not refer to it again?
It doesn't seem right to approach them without asking his view as it is probably the involvement of others that has made him so uncomfortable. I think that respecting that fact means you can't speak to them unless he is content for you to do so.

I'm sure he knows that you didn't mean to
Hurt him but he is upset about it just now

You've made a mistake, we all do in relationship but perhaps uou will both learn from this

And get that bloody woman out of your lives!

I think he wants me to drop it and if it comes up in conversation again stop encouraging it. If I don’t join in then the subject will be forgotten. And stop adding new fuel to the fire!

I can’t get rid of her I have to learn to live with her around and be more mature about how I deal with it.

I do tend to deal with emotional subjects with humour and sometimes it’s inappropriate. Laugh or you will cry mentality.

I think just give it time and maybe in a few weeks if you still feel a tension, have a chat and clear the air. You've taken full responsibility so no point keep going over old ground. If anyone else brings it up you could say 'I really shouldn't have said that' or swiftly change the subject.

Day 1 but managed to asking no questions and making no comments or responses about his ex today even though he made comments and brought her up as there was a handover and he was frustrated.

I do need to learn how to deal with this isn’t isn’t going anywhere do I just pretend she doesn’t exist 😂

She was very late which is her speciality, so you can see how it can get wearing on you as a family.

Well done! Detaching is exactly what is needed here, and by him as well. He has to stop giving her so much power. Maybe you could suggest he get some counselling to help him figure out how to navigate dealing with a toxic personality. He has to deal with her to some extent because of the kids, he can't just avoid issues that affect them. I would suggest he implement the gray rock technique with her and keep rigid boundaries in place. I assume he has a divorce agreement which spells out his rights re; the kids. If so, he needs to start enforcing the agreement, but in a completely impersonal way, which avoids excessive interaction with her while protecting all of you from her manipulation. The three golden words; "Speak to my lawyer." could be appropriate to use here.
He needs to grow a set and stop kow-towing to her and giving in to her whims. It isn't fair to you that she be permitted to dominate your lives.