DP is upset with me about a joke

[Kloa]

DP told me something a few years ago that we laughed about together at the time when he told me. It was something very silly his ex had said about him to her friends, which they repeated to him. When I say silly, it was quite ridiculous and no legitimate reflection on DP’s character but it did annoy him at the time. Enough that he remembered it. An example is something like ‘you never bought me any chocolate ice cream when you knew I liked it and I’m going to hold it against you”.

I made this into a bit of a joke over the years and gave him some gentle ribbing about the topic, however the joke has never been on my DP as a person. The joke is obscure and meant to be light hearted and is about the particular topic/object.

I don’t bring it up very often, but DP and I have a very banter type relationship with some relatives and I (sober) let them in on this joke. He laughed it off at the time but held onto it all day and then was upset with me just before bed. He said he has asked me to stop doing it and I seem to enjoy taking the piss out of him.

I immediately sincerely apologised to him. I didn’t try to defend myself or anything as I do feel bad upsetting him (but I don’t remember him asking me not to repeat this before, so it did take me by surprise). After apologising he still seemed upset so I left him alone but now I don’t know if I was meant to do something more? Now there is a weird atmosphere between us and I don’t know how to unweird it. I don’t want to make it worse so I didn’t try to hug him as he didn’t appear to be very happy and was stressed. He doesn’t ever do things like this he is not a sulker or moody

I’ve been a dick and maybe he has told me to stop and I didn’t listen so I would like to put it right. What does an apology look like for you? I can’t sleep now

That's the core of the issue then.

Meanwhile, as you say, you've had some excellent 'how to say a proper apology' advice here.

But it might help to weave in at some point an acknowledgement of the Royston Vasey side of the family.

Chin up

You've hurt him, you have apologised, and you seem to think that should be the end of it. But it's another person you've hurt, you can't apologise and make him react the way you want.

Give him time and space to process it, it's about him, not you.

I feel for you OP because I think you realise you really let yourself down and you are mortified you behaved as you did, not fully realising that it is his sensitive spot.

Even though he may have laughed previously it still obviously stings at a fairly deep level.

He shared something intimate with you and you used that against him.

Of course he laughed with you, what else could he reasonably do?

But you exposed and ridiculed his weak spot.

You have wounded him.
You have made him feel unsafe, when he once felt safe with you.

I don't think you got it before, but i hope the above explains it.

Make it crystal clear you NOW get it.
You are so sorry.
You would NEVER deliberately do anything to hurt, humiliate or expose him.
Tell him how much you care about him.

Hopefully that will smooth it over and you can move forward.

Don't leave him stew alnight.
Talk to him now if you can.

@lunar1 well I don’t think it helps that now other people might bring it up in the same manner. I might talk to one of the relatives and be honest that I ought to have not said it. I don’t think they enjoy hurting anyone’s feelings either, we have just become far too bitchy when we socialise and it makes DP uncomfortable. We can socialise less with them but I need to look at my own behaviour not blame anyone else

Is his ex his kids' mum?

Yes. His family don’t like to her and don’t speak to her. I do speak to her very casually and it’s all fine on the surface but I can see now how it’s got really mean and some of us are just encouraging each other to keep it going like it some common ground or something. We do snipe about her but it’s all silly shit. I’m not blaming his family I think we are all in the wrong in different ways and I am going along with it and it’s made me into someone I don’t like and my DP rightly so thinks I’m a prick

Jesus, I didn't realise this woman who you've been taking the piss out of for years was actually his kid's mum?

Good job you're going to let it go now because if the kids ever overheard/found out, they'd be rightfully upset and see you both in a different light I think.

Ok well that was a drip feed

It also may possibly feel like an invasion of privacy to him even if that was inadvertent on your part.

A person’s ex is not really for their new partner to comment on either to them or others, even if they have mentioned or criticised the ex themselves. Or, it is at least a tricky line to tread.

It is late and you should try to stop worrying. You really do sound sorry and he will surely know you mean it.

Good luck.

Op unfortunately yes you got it wrong as you've acknowledged but the tricky thing with apologies is that you can give them, but you've absolutely no control over when someone decides to actually forgive you for it and when they are able to move on from it even if they've accepted your apology. You're now stuck in the uncomfortable stage in between and I think all you can do is suck it up for now, take the learning you've found in it and try to do better in future. A good apology is also a promise to do better so you just need to do that over time. You can't rush it or 'fix' it even though that's the knee jerk reaction. You need to sit with it, understand what you did , why you did it and why it bothered him, talk to him about it and then prove yourself. To me anything else is just a sticky plaster.

This is all very sad. You've finally realised your ghastly relatives have roped you into an awful game of bashing the mother of your DP's children, and him to some extent, and you now have to face up to this.

You can only be honest with your DP, and take concrete steps to stop this ever happening again.

But I think it'll be hard to stop, now you've let the bad spirits out of the box.

@Kloa I think all you can do is say you have reflected and realise he hasn’t been joining in and it’s gone too far and become mean (and you have no axe to grind with the mother of his kids) and you are genuinely mortified at yourself and wholeheartedly apologise.

The way the ‘joke’ was said was never with a name of a person involved, it was like a code. I don’t think the kids could work it out because it is very stupid and obscure. It isn’t stupid to DP as it represents a lot more than that.

Most of the commentary happens when the children are not present, apart from DP’s parents who just say shit out loud in front of anyone and that does get repeated back so I have been careful.

Not the solution to be sneaky, I should not be joining in denigrating another woman it’s horrible and not saying private stuff my DP told me to others

Not the solution to be sneaky, I should not be joining in denigrating another woman it’s horrible and not saying private stuff my DP told me to others

This is the way forward. The thing is , it's not something you can fix in a day or with words. By all means tell him what you've realised (about him and yourself)and the plan moving forward, but the main thing will be actually doing it. That's how you fix this.

The OP is a grown woman who can make her own decisions, she hasn't been 'roped into' anything.

At least she's held her hands up and admitted this and isn't blaming others.

I don't think you need to make op feel any worse. She's said all that! Stop being arsey

I’ve joined in no one made me it’s all got too toxic. I’ve tried to stop having negative thoughts about her and being more objective but I have an echo chamber around me who feel the same way so that’s not helping.

Going to put some distance in with the relatives and think of some strategies to stop doing it.

This has been really helpful thanks to everyone who has contributed much appreciated

DP is a good guy and he deserves positivity in his life.

Banter. Also known as taking the piss out of someone. Stop that.

You say it was years ago @Kloa Are we talking 5 or 15? Are the kids young? It’s probably not good for them to know you find stuff their mum did to their dad a laughing matter.

I think you’ve apologised enough but it may take awhile to settle down again.

I think he has a role in this which is that he shouldn't have been making jokes about their past relationship to you.

However, you've accepted you shouldn't have carried on what he said and repeated it and seem to be taking this as an opportunity to reflect on maturity and civility which is great.

I don't know what his ex has done but sometimes there's a big element of enjoying not being the target of derision and worse and that's why people join in. It's nice to feel you're not the baddie. This may be what's happening with the family rather than it being as simple as she is awful (I'm sure she's got many faults).

Take a step back from all that. Reopen the discussion if you wish to see how to leave ex-jokes in the past etc but don't prostrate yourself, he should have managed things better too.

It you want to crack jokes then make sure they are good ones.

Look in the mirror when you call somebody horrible. You're trolling and being vicious. There is no need to insult the OP.
Perhaps you just don't have the intelligence to offer any valid feedback, so you snipe instead.

That's a typical MN troll. They're always faux outraged and judgy about things that aren't even that serious. It seems like it's a hobby to some people to pretend they are superior and free of faults. How tiresome that is.

You all use a code to slag off his ex so his kids don’t work it out?

I bet they know full well what’s going on.

It sounds like you have taken on board his feelings which is a good thing and fair play to you you haven't dismissed it. Someone else could easily say 'oh it's just a joke lighten up'. So definitely give you some credit for that and for your self reflection on the matter. However, as someone who has been on the receiving end of this type of banter - for example some of my relatives go on about things I did 20 years ago and think it's funny to bring it up in front of others - I find really irritating. I'm not like this so I often wonder what the purpose is. It's just something to ask yourself why you kept bringing it up because I think it's not to do with having a laugh but subconsciously it is to put the other person down. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I am trying to help but wondering if there's an insecurity there. A lot of people who find this type of piss take banter are usually insecure about something. Maybe something to think about.